DV: does it always happen again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

if it happens once does it always happen again?

have you guys ever heard of it being a big wake up call for the guy (im talking guy-on-girl violence here) and he's like i never thought i'd do that, something has to change here

or does it just show that they're very psychologically troubled;

OR does it get easier for them after the first time they do it

 i hate this so much  :'(

[191919179384613]

if it happens once does it always happen again?

have you guys ever heard of it being a big wake up call for the guy (im talking guy-on-girl violence here) and he's like i never thought i'd do that, something has to change here

or does it just show that they're very psychologically troubled;

OR does it get easier for them after the first time they do it

 i hate this so much  :'(

[Want2know]

Good question.

With domestic violence, there is a pattern, looking at it as a cycle of violence.  Tension builds over something, the person explodes, and then usually apologizes, which for some women is enough to keep them in the relationship.

Sometimes that 'explosion' phase includes physical abuse, and sometimes verbal abuse.

So, if this cycle does not get addressed, most likely it will occur again.

I can tell you from my experience, there were warning signs that lead up to the physical abuse incident that made me want to get out of my relationship (and was when I found this site).  After the one time incident, there were similar experiences - being pushed on the floor, threatening to push me down the stairs, or the look in his eye that if I didn't walk away something more might happen.  I did finally get out, but only had the one time serious physical abuse encounter with my ex (he head butted me, which left a scar on my face and had 2 black eyes from the head trauma).

Had I stayed in that relationship, it is likely something would have happened again, as he was not seeking professional help, nor was he doing any self-exploration regarding his overall behavior.

Regarding it being a wake up call - the next day after the major incident, he was mortified, apologized, and I thought it might be a wake up call.  I stayed with him for about another 4 months after that, until I realized that I was not safe with him, and felt like it could happen again, as I continued to see those warning signs.

I see you had an experience when he was drunk.  Mine was drunk, too.  That does not excuse the incident that it won't happen again, especially if he continues drinking.  Did you notice any warning signs, even when he wasn't drinking?

[halfnelson]

Yes, it's never just a one-off. My first boyfriend DID stop hitting me when I finally said I would leave, but I still was very much under control.

It wasn't until 2 years after we'd broken up, and I finally met someone and fell in love again, that he decided to rape me. I should never have stayed friends with him, but unfortunately, all of our friends were mutual, and nobody had known that he was abusive in our relationship.

I was never safe from him. If someone is violent, get out while you can, and never look back.

[maxsterling]

this is good information, thanks. 

I've been punched during one incident, and had things thrown at me a few times (stuffed animals or pillows).  Most of that was a few months ago.  I've seen her violence since, but that violence was directed towards inanimate objects or herself.  But I have noticed that now when she gets upset, my immediate fear is that it will escalate to violence against me, or that it will escalate to suicide threats.  I want to give her a chance because she has made progress, but reading this reminds me that my fears are legitimate. 

[Want2know]

I wanted to add that there are a few workshops on the topic of Domestic Violence - one for men and one for women.  Here are those links:

For women - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

For men - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

We also have a safety protocol if you are in a domestic violence environment/situation.  It is important to understand how to keep yourself safe.  Please take a look:  https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

This can also be accessed through the red Emergency button at the bottom of each thread.

[191919179384613]

thanks for all your responses guys.

I see you had an experience when he was drunk.  Mine was drunk, too.  That does not excuse the incident that it won't happen again, especially if he continues drinking.  Did you notice any warning signs, even when he wasn't drinking?

no, when he was sober he was an angel. the attack was completely out of the blue and basically unprovoked. i think that's why I'm having so much trouble coming to terms with it. because, it wasn't slow BPD torture like some of the people have unfortunately experienced here. his BPD was manageable and our relationship was great and then he went and did this. it's just that there's 2 of him. when he's drunk he's a different person. if that person could leave forever i would consider giving him another chance. but i just feel that violence is too much. it was terrifying. knowing how strong he was compared to me, my life was in his hands. the betrayal makes me feel sick.

and here's another tricky question. if we don't reunite, how can i be sure that he won't do it to future girlfriends. is it out of my hands now? i don't want any more people to get hurt.

[Want2know]

it's just that there's 2 of him. when he's drunk he's a different person.

Can you describe his drinking, and what history he has with it?

and here's another tricky question. if we don't reunite, how can i be sure that he won't do it to future girlfriends. is it out of my hands now? i don't want any more people to get hurt.

You can't guarantee that.  I went through the same thing, even warning one new girlfriend.  She didn't want to hear it, and stayed with him until she figured out he was ill.  Best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

[maxsterling]

this discussion about alcohol/intoxication is good.

I had an ex, likely NPD, who got violent when she drank or smoked Marijuana, or a combination thereof.  She never hit me, but I saw her hit her son.  And her son told her in front of me that she hits him when she drinks, and he doesn't want her to drink.  She didn't believe him, and didn't care.  Mistakenly, I thought the problem was the alcohol/pot and if she would just quit she would be nice and happy.  It took a long time to realize there was low level abuse going on all the time, and high-grade abuse just under the surface when she was sober. 

My current girlfriend has been sober 11 years.  I think sobriety has lessened her violent tendencies, but they are obviously still there.  I didn't know her when she was using, but the scars on her arm and the stories she tells indicate she was more violent back then.

I attend Nar-Anon meetings, and there is a common theme - people coming in thinking that if the person quits the alcohol or drugs, the behavior will change.  I have yet to hear of a story about someone where that was true.  Sobriety is the first step to change.  The violent urges will still be there, and those are not easily addressed.  Addicts drink/use as an attempt to escape those urges, but unfortunately the opposite happens and they wind up doing what they were afraid they would do. 

My feeling is that even though someone's behavior may be worse when drunk, the behavior is still there sober, and eventually it will come out.   

[191919179384613]

it's just that there's 2 of him. when he's drunk he's a different person.

Can you describe his drinking, and what history he has with it?

He has a history of heavy drinking although since we've been together, his drinking has been under control, because there was an incident very early on where he got drunk and said all sorts of strange things to me. "I want to murder you" etc. We talked about it the next day, and for the next six months this ugly side of his personality never showed, and he barely drank at all, and definitely didn't get 'drunk' except maybe once. He only needs to drink a small amount to black out and be unable to remember what happens till i tell him the next day. When he does get drunk, he gets the 'cold, black' eyes that a lot of people have written about here, and he transforms into a horrible monster. He has been arrested countless times while drunk (but not since we've been together). He was showing great progress with control over his drinking until the DV incident, where he was feeling emotional and was drinking to ease the pain. His hate and anger became focused on me and he expressed it physically. Since then we have exchanged one letter each, I told him everything that he did and he responded with remorse and disgust at himself and expressed that he will be tackling his alcohol issues.

I don't know what to do  :'( when he's good he's an absolute pleasure. when he's bad he's dangerous.

thanks for responding guys. it makes me feel so much better talking to people who have experienced the same. I'm sorry we all have had to go through this.  

[Want2know]

I don't know what to do  :'( when he's good he's an absolute pleasure. when he's bad he's dangerous.

thanks for responding guys. it makes me feel so much better talking to people who have experienced the same. I'm sorry we all have had to go through this.  

  Most definitely.

I very much understand your indecision.  I wanted to believe that it would never happen again.  As you mentioned, his drinking may be to deal with stress and the emotions he is experiencing.

I read some information listed on the NIH website regarding alcohol and domestic violence:

One researcher writes, "Probably the largest contributing factor to domestic violence is alcohol. All major theorists point to the excessive use of alcohol as a key element in the dynamics of wife beating. However, it is not clear whether a man is violent because he is drunk or whether he drinks to reduce his inhibitions against his violent behavior"

Since he has a history with drinking, and has recently done this with you, I would be very concerned that this will happen again.

How long have you known each other, and how long have you been separated?  :)o you each have your own living spaces?

[191919179384613]

we have known each other from almost two years, been together for six, but when i say together, i mean, joined at the hip, because we were travelling together. it was an unusual  premise for a relationship. the incident occurred almost exactly a month ago, and he was arrested that night (unrelated). He's been in jail since so besides the one letter each we have been NC. Our lives were completely entwined; I have a bunch of his stuff, he has a bunch of mine, we have joint credit cards, etc. I know I will have to see him again at some point. If I could be NC forever of if he was going to stay in jail (he will be released this week), it might be easier for me to just move on, ya know? But knowing I'll have to see him, speak to him about the incident, and not to mention, try to keep things somewhat courteous, because I have some things at stake here.

What was it like for you guys when you first saw your partner again after they physically attacked you? Did the sight of them make you feel sick, or were you surprised at how easy it was for you to forgive them?

I really appreciate all your posts guys. This forum is so important. 

[Want2know]

What was it like for you guys when you first saw your partner again after they physically attacked you? Did the sight of them make you feel sick, or were you surprised at how easy it was for you to forgive them?

Neither... . I lived with my partner.  After the incident, we both blacked out and passed out in bed.  I remember waking up the next morning and he was holding me so tight.  Then I remembered what happened and he asked if I had seen myself in the mirror, which I hadn't.  I went downstairs by myself and looked.  I took a photo of myself in the mirror and still have it to this day.  

Oddly, I was so calm talking to him because it was one of the rare times he'd seemed remorseful over what he did.  We talked about it, I told him it could never happen again, and he needed to stop drinking and get help.  He did stop drinking for a few months, but then it started up again.  He never pursued professional help, either.  That's when I knew we were done.

I want to let you know that even though the drinking was always there, the incident I describe above happened 2 years into our relationship.  The fact that you experienced this within 6 months is very concerning.

Have you spoken to anyone in a domestic abuse shelter, or a counselor?  I understand you have some loose ends with him - they can help you with a plan to exit the relationship and help protect you, if needed.  I would do this now while he is still in jail.  We can help you locate local places that can help you.

[maxsterling]

My DV incident was last summer.  She chased after me and cornered me in the hallways, swinging her fists.  She landed a few punches to my chest before I bear hugged her so that she could no longer swing her arms.  She struggled to free herself, and I told her that she needed to stop or I would call somebody to come over.  She dragged the two of us to the floor, and I escaped to the living room.  A few minutes later, she came out, claimed I choked her, and said that if I called the police she would tell them I choked her and I would go to jail.

I slept on the couch.  The next morning I went outside to work in the yard.  She eventually got up, showered, dressed, and left without saying anything to me.  I then went for a bike ride, texted her to say I had gone for a bike ride.  She said she was going to stay with a friend.  I said "good" and that I did not want to talk to her.  She stayed at a friend's house for a few days with minimal contact.  At one point she messaged me and said she needed to come by and get some things.  I told her to come when I wasn't home.  She never came.  A day or two later she messaged me and I said I was out with friends.  She then said the relationship was not over and that she doesn't want me dating anyone else.  She then said a bunch of stuff about feeling really unstable.  A day or two later I became worried, and asked if she wanted to come over for dinner.  She said she would rather meet someplace else, so we met at a restaurant.  this was the first time I had seen her since the DV incident.  She sat, barely talked, didn't even order any food, and I was quite worried about her.  She said there was a problem with the lights at the house she was staying at.  I agreed to go over there and talk a look at it.  I stayed for a bit and helped her with a few things, and a week or so later she moved back in with me after admitting she has serious issues and will seek help.  She checked herself into a mental hospital a month later.

Hindsight?  I should have called off the relationship and gone NC right then.  I should have said, "move out, and move your things out by the end of the week."  And in hindsight, the initial reason I took her back was that I thought she was planning suicide, and I knew she had nobody else in the city to turn to.