Is this confirmation?

[Invictus69]

Last week I had the first day of a court case against someone who had abused his position of trust and stole money from me.My ex BPDbff has been with me since this started nearly 3 yrs ago. She knows how vile this person was and not only how he made me sicker but that I would be totally alone and terrified on that court date.

She of course had promised she'd be there with me all the way .That's one of the reasons, I found the courage to take this person on as I believed she'd be there with me.

When last week happened, I really thought, not just hoped, that she would just send a text saying good luck.

Im heartbroken all over again.

I could never do this to her, if the situation was reversed.Or to anyone!

What I'm asking is, is this a sign or confirmation that she never cared? I  can't possibly think what could  run in her mind to justify not sending a message. I don't know what to tell myself or how to deal with such profound hurt.

[almosthadme]

It's hard to say if they never cared and you may never know.It's probably  the worst part of these relationships.Most of us are left with questions that will never be answered.You have to find the inner strength to move on and realize that this person has a severe mental illness that will likley never be cured.

[growing_wings]

What I'm asking is, is this a sign or confirmation that she never cared? I  can't possibly think what could  run in her mind to justify not sending a message. I don't know what to tell myself or how to deal with such profound hurt.

hi Invictus,

it hurts a lot when we expect something from a person with BPD, especially if is support on a very challenging situation. I expected a lot from the BPD person in my life, i was also very dissapointed and very sad when she never called nor supported  when i really needed her to be by my side.

I cant answer your question if she never cared. All i can say, is that pwBPD cant seem to show the stability a person wtihout the disorder would have, a pwBPD can change their mind quickly, going from one extreme to the other one, so at times they can be supportive ,and at times they just can't. Dont take it personal.

from what i read, this was a challenging situation for you, and you had to face it alone. how did it go? did you really needed her text for you to go ahead? surely receive her text would have been a great comfort to you, but,  necessary for you to go ahead?

I had to learn not to put too much hope on expecting support from my ex... but to stand on my own ground and own it. (was and is a challenge still, is not easy...   but at least i can rely on myself)

[mybonnie]

Signs that we care about our loved ones who are afflicted with BPD are forgiveness and not holding them to the expectations we would normally expect to have in a healthy relationship.  I have a bedridden husband who would love more than anything to be up and sharing life with me.  I've had to face doing a lot of brave things alone and it scared me greatly in the beginning.  Over time I have gained in confidence and strength and notice I'm better able to face the tasks I never thought I would accomplish without him at my side.  I see my uBPD daughter in much the same light.  She is not well and I'm certain there is a part of her who would love to have a reliable relationship with me. She literally cannot.  I don't hold it against her as it just piles on her buried guilt and makes things worse.  Between my broken relationship with my daughter and my having to go it alone due to my husband's illness, I have reached a place where I do not feel alone anymore.  They are mere humans in their own struggles for life and wellness.  For me, I have made a companion with my belief that our Creator has a plan for all of us.  In my case this has helped immensely. I don't want to fall into the same blame behaviors that my daughter holds against me.  While I would LOVE to see all this pain and suffering melt into love, trust and wellness... . there have been some gifts from both the physical and mental illnesses in my family. I have emerged with more peace, understanding, compassion and forgiveness.  I focus on gratitude as much as I can remember to.  

I for one am proud of YOU for facing your court date.  I can well imagine the uncertainty and fear and aloneness.  I'm sorry that your friend's illness prevented her from being there.  Take things a day at a time.  Or even a minute at a time.  

Here's something I'm grateful for.  I'm grateful that your friend got you as far as she did in this court case.  You say that your belief in her being there is a big part of what helped you find your courage.  So she DID serve you in that way.  It was probably the best she could do... . and it gave you strength you needed.  Now let your new strength and others (like your bpdfamily) help, too.  I believe with all my heart you'll get through these difficult times.  I hope you can forgive her... . for your benefit as much as hers.

[growing_wings]

Here's something I'm grateful for.  I'm grateful that your friend got you as far as she did in this court case.  You say that your belief in her being there is a big part of what helped you find your courage.  So she DID serve you in that way.  It was probably the best she could do... . and it gave you strength you needed.  Now let your new strength and others (like your bpdfamily) help, too.  I believe with all my heart you'll get through these difficult times.  I hope you can forgive her... . for your benefit as much as hers.

good words! i agree with my bonnie on above!