Just received a letter from my uBPDexgf, would like your thoughts

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, my story is posted up, the first two parts anyway, if you're interested in some detail from our r/s.

The long and short is I've been NC with my uBPDexgf for just inside 2 weeks.  We did not have an official "this is over" or NC conversation though the NC was precipitated by phone call from her over the timing of my returning a phone call that led to accusations, disrespectul tone, talking over, escalation, etc,. which had been a recurring, circular argument.

In fairness to her, I responded to that conversation with a later call by sternly telling her (demanding really) that "This behavior needs to stop... . etc, etc.". I must have sounded like her father and I realize I didn't handle it very well.  I got off the phone by saying (in a huff), "If you want to continue this conversation please call me when you're calm" though I was surely anything but calm myself.

Anyway, her note to me was so cordial, logical and measured that I'm fairly sure it was screened through her therapist first!  Missing was the over-the-top praise and adulation that colored nearly all of her previous correspondence. It was actually quite adult! I suppose that's irrelevant but seemed worth noting.  It also contained a photo I had given her just a couple weeks before that she decided to return to me because she knew it was (her words) "very special" to me. (Special because it was an original from my childhood).  I can post the letter if helpful (it's brief).

So my question is (I start with a T Wednesday) what are your thoughts on responding to the note?  From this early position in NC (and though very painful, I know the r/s can not work) I'm confused on how to address it.

Insights would be much appreciated!

[Sunny Side]

Hi all, my story is posted up, the first two parts anyway, if you're interested in some detail from our r/s.

The long and short is I've been NC with my uBPDexgf for just inside 2 weeks.  We did not have an official "this is over" or NC conversation though the NC was precipitated by phone call from her over the timing of my returning a phone call that led to accusations, disrespectul tone, talking over, escalation, etc,. which had been a recurring, circular argument.

In fairness to her, I responded to that conversation with a later call by sternly telling her (demanding really) that "This behavior needs to stop... . etc, etc.". I must have sounded like her father and I realize I didn't handle it very well.  I got off the phone by saying (in a huff), "If you want to continue this conversation please call me when you're calm" though I was surely anything but calm myself.

Anyway, her note to me was so cordial, logical and measured that I'm fairly sure it was screened through her therapist first!  Missing was the over-the-top praise and adulation that colored nearly all of her previous correspondence. It was actually quite adult! I suppose that's irrelevant but seemed worth noting.  It also contained a photo I had given her just a couple weeks before that she decided to return to me because she knew it was (her words) "very special" to me. (Special because it was an original from my childhood).  I can post the letter if helpful (it's brief).

So my question is (I start with a T Wednesday) what are your thoughts on responding to the note?  From this early position in NC (and though very painful, I know the r/s can not work) I'm confused on how to address it.

Insights would be much appreciated!

[mapys]

In my opinion, if you have decided, then continue with NC.

I made a mistake and answered to her letter - that was mistake because tho I logically know everything and I do understand what is happening, emotionally I wasn't ready and she convinced me to "try for the second time" - basically attempt of recycle. So I know that for me NC is best (at least in the beginning). Also my mistake was that I was very eager to read, what she has written - should have just deleted without reading. Self control

[seeking balance]

NC is a tool to help you detach, nothing more and nothing less.  It is not a punishment to them, it is so we can clear our heads.

Her note sounds genuine - is it really the end of the world to say thank you?  What she said and did was kind and what a lot of people do in a breakup for closure.

Now, that might stir her to send another letter or try and push your buttons or boundaries - at that point, you can refrain from adding to the fire.

Honestly, how do you feel right now?  What do you need for YOU?

[Sunny Side]

NC is a tool to help you detach, nothing more and nothing less.  It is not a punishment to them, it is so we can clear our heads.

Her note sounds genuine - is it really the end of the world to say thank you?  What she said and did was kind and what a lot of people do in a breakup for closure.

Now, that might stir her to send another letter or try and push your buttons or boundaries - at that point, you can refrain from adding to the fire.

Honestly, how do you feel right now?  What do you need for YOU?

Thanks, seeking balance for the reply.  Here is the body of the letter.

"I wanted to get your picture back to you.  I know it is very special.

Also I really want you to know that I believe in you!  I am so proud of the work we have done together and I am especially proud of you getting into therapy.  I have always admired you for your intelligence and your desire to keep searching and obtaining more knowledge.  I have no doubt that you will look deep inside yourself and do the "work" necessary so you can have the life you want and deserve.  Like you always say, "Keep Fighting".  I am going to do the same.  You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, and you will always have a special place in my heart. 

All my Love,

D"

My first thought is that I would like to reply just to say "Thanks" and acknowledge her letter and offer some form of closure (I know, that ridiculous word).  Beyond that I don't know what else I'm prepared to say.  I'd like to emphasize to her that seeking good health for myself is my primary goal now, and offer some encouragement that she wants to do the same for her.  I think what's confusing for me is there's a whole host of additional thoughts and emotions -- anger, hurt, sadness, confusion (was the person I "loved" even real?), betrayal, etc. -- that lurk right beneath the surface of forgiveness yet I know it would be futile, confusing and regressive to express to her.

Part of me also thinks that her letter is a lie -- many of those words, in fact, are mine from past conversations -- to add to all the other soft lies and broken pledges (though she may not see them as such) that litter the trail of the r/s.  It's that part of me that still suffers thinking this was all one big mirage, so why should I fret about being "civil" when I'm still scraping my heart off the floor for a ghost.

[seeking balance]

I encourage you to read 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

This was a staple in my recovery tool belt. 

My first thought is that I would like to reply just to say "Thanks" and acknowledge her letter and offer some form of closure (I know, that ridiculous word).  Beyond that I don't know what else I'm prepared to say. 

Why can't that be enough for you?

Thank you for the kind words.  Best to you also (or some very short similar version).

I'd like to emphasize to her that seeking good health for myself is my primary goal now, and offer some encouragement that she wants to do the same for her. 

She is not the person who can help you self soothe nor is she the one who should be the holder of your emotional vulnerability now.  You are also not her source of encouragement now - you are her trigger and the kindest thing you can do is be kind to her, but walk away.  You do not currently have the emotional skill set nor are you in an active relationship to be that person for her - right?

I think what's confusing for me is there's a whole host of additional thoughts and emotions -- anger, hurt, sadness, confusion (was the person I "loved" even real?), betrayal, etc. -- that lurk right beneath the surface of forgiveness yet I know it would be futile, confusing and regressive to express to her.

This is what we and your T is for - not her.

Of course you are confused - my goodness, you are barely out of the relationship, let alone the FOG... . it's ok to feel like this - just keep it with your T, trusted friends and the boards for now.

Part of me also thinks that her letter is a lie -- many of those words, in fact, are mine from past conversations -- to add to all the other soft lies and broken pledges (though she may not see them as such) that litter the trail of the r/s.  It's that part of me that still suffers thinking this was all one big mirage, so why should I fret about being "civil" when I'm still scraping my heart off the floor for a ghost.

Again, please do keep 10 False Beliefs article close by - this was a lifeline for me when my own thoughts tried to figure out things - I got all twisted in what was real and why.

Her letter is real for the purpose that she said the things she knew were important to you because you matter to her.  For pwBPD words are tools for communication like us all, but they can also become tools for them to have their needs met.  It is not intended to hurt you, but they really can be damaging when we believe them in the face of actions and against our own better judgement.

So, if you do respond - keep it simple... . Thank you for the kind letter and the picture - best to you too.

Nothing else, no "I will always be here for you" "you were the love of my life" or any other dramatic gesture.  Also, nothing invalidating to her emotional reality - there is no need to push any buttons unnecessarily.

But, you also could do nothing -again - it is really about what you need for you - there is no right or wrong answer to this.

Peace,

SB

[Sunny Side]

I'd like to emphasize to her that seeking good health for myself is my primary goal now, and offer some encouragement that she wants to do the same for her. 

She is not the person who can help you self soothe nor is she the one who should be the holder of your emotional vulnerability now.  You are also not her source of encouragement now - you are her trigger and the kindest thing you can do is be kind to her, but walk away.  You do not currently have the emotional skill set nor are you in an active relationship to be that person for her - right?

SB, thank you for this. 

So, if you do respond - keep it simple... . Thank you for the kind letter and the picture - best to you too.

And this.  So simple but the clarity of that is just beginning to sink in.  I'm still caretaking, aren't I?

Indeed my Jedi toolbelt is rather empty right now.

Going to look up that reference.  Thanks, SB!

[seeking balance]

Indeed my Jedi toolbelt is rather empty right now.

Going to look up that reference.  Thanks, SB!

This forum - articles and workshops have all kinds of nifty tools for that Jedi tool belt of yours - I honestly printed out article 9 and carried it around for months... . every time my mind started to spin - I could read it and one of those darn False Beliefs had gotten ahold of me.

Sunny Side - keep posting and keep processing 

[pinkparchment]

Ok, I have done this, as the sender of the package. It was honestly closure for me. Once was a gift I'd already gotten and a letter telling her all the things I loved about her and wishing her the best. She responded, wanting to get back together, and when I said "Hold on, that was a goodbye letter" she told me how effed up that was of me. To try and leave things on a positive, loving note I guess.

More recently, after she went brutally NC (because I put off seeing her four days after she recieved the letter for fear of being recycled without consent), I sent her back a hat I'd taken/she'd given me. I donated or got rid of all the other reminders, but her twin sister had bought her that hat. I stuck a box of Nerds in there as a reference to an inside joke. No note, no message. No response, which was what I expected and desired.

If she says it's closure, let it be closure. She probably needs to feel like things are ending with you not hating her. She needs to feel like a rational adult ending things, since she probably spent a good deal of your relationship acting irrationally but feeling unable to control it. Just say thanks, ditto. And move on. NC after that.