Show our guests what's behind that door...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

... . "A NEW CAR!"

After only 3.5 months of dating, he buys her a 60k dollar car.

And I'm triggered. I haven't felt this way in over a month. And it stings.

I read goldlamont's thread last night about FB, and using it as a tool to breathe through your feelings. I did this and recognized what had caused these emotions in me, at least. So much here so bear with me.

Inadequate. Before we broke up for good her mother told me I wasn't a REAL man Bc I hadn't bought her an SUV and she was driving our son around in a sub compact car. Yeah, couldn't do that one, but I put your daughter through school with a roof over her head, paid the bills, and put food on the table while she got her degree.

This also ties into the belief system that a man provide for his family. I don't know if this is more of a southern thing or what, but I am feeling, once again, I didn't provide enough. And there is a deficiency in me that is the cause. And I obviously place too much value on 60k dollar automobiles.

Doubt. That their relationship is going to be the "Price is Right" while I endured "Lose, Lose, or Lose" for 14 years. Doubt that it out relationship was all my fault and everything I learned the past 3.5 months was for nothing.

Fear. That they are moving in and getting married soon, well, maybe, my son can go to private school, yeah that's the silver lining buddy, another man paying for YOUR son's education. And than after the wedding and moving in together, then my son call him daddy? This is enough to make ANY man sick to his stomach.

Nice... . a good swift kick to the nuts today.

That's the ONLY guarantee we have in life... . it's bound to show up, right?

The last 2 months were a waste. A facade. A false sense of strength. Denial. And whatever other psychobabble bull word we can think of... .

[arn131arn]

... . "A NEW CAR!"

After only 3.5 months of dating, he buys her a 60k dollar car.

And I'm triggered. I haven't felt this way in over a month. And it stings.

I read goldlamont's thread last night about FB, and using it as a tool to breathe through your feelings. I did this and recognized what had caused these emotions in me, at least. So much here so bear with me.

Inadequate. Before we broke up for good her mother told me I wasn't a REAL man Bc I hadn't bought her an SUV and she was driving our son around in a sub compact car. Yeah, couldn't do that one, but I put your daughter through school with a roof over her head, paid the bills, and put food on the table while she got her degree.

This also ties into the belief system that a man provide for his family. I don't know if this is more of a southern thing or what, but I am feeling, once again, I didn't provide enough. And there is a deficiency in me that is the cause. And I obviously place too much value on 60k dollar automobiles.

Doubt. That their relationship is going to be the "Price is Right" while I endured "Lose, Lose, or Lose" for 14 years. Doubt that it out relationship was all my fault and everything I learned the past 3.5 months was for nothing.

Fear. That they are moving in and getting married soon, well, maybe, my son can go to private school, yeah that's the silver lining buddy, another man paying for YOUR son's education. And than after the wedding and moving in together, then my son call him daddy? This is enough to make ANY man sick to his stomach.

Nice... . a good swift kick to the nuts today.

That's the ONLY guarantee we have in life... . it's bound to show up, right?

The last 2 months were a waste. A facade. A false sense of strength. Denial. And whatever other psychobabble bull word we can think of... .

[seeking balance]

Hey Arn,

I know you are working your AA program with your sponsor, so in that vein - your post is tied to your EGO... . AA terms, Easing God Out.

Turn it over buddy - let it go.  That SUV is not about you and getting angry over that is a tiny red flag in your sobriety.

Self worth - yours - not tied to external things.  Have you called your sponsor?

Peace,

SB

[arn131arn]

No, I have not called him. Not ready for an ass chewing right now, and of course it's about ego. I never ever got a thank you, so there's anger there too

[seeking balance]

No, I have not called him. Not ready for an ass chewing right now,

Why ass chewing?

[arn131arn]

He doesn't care about my feelings. He cares about my actions. I've gotten drunk on every feeling under the sun. My actions are what keeps me sober today. So, if I called him to tell him about how my little feelings are hurt the conversation would go something like:

"It's Arn. Not doing so great. He bought her a car for her birthday blah, blah, blah and I feel blah blah blah"

"Ok. Great! Who did you help so far today?"

"Well no one."

"Go find someone to help, get outside of your self-centered, egotistical self, and if you don't feel better after you do something for someone else, then call me!"

- click

Get the point?

[Turkish]

I'm sure it stings, Arn. Like you, I fall into that old school Provider category. You did so much, and yet she back stabs you in the end in the worst possible way. Now she's got her fancy car to impress the Jones's. None of this is normal or healthy, Arn. She's BPD/NPD with sociopathic tendencies. He's "feeding" her to keep her calm for now. A partner should not have to do that in a healthy relationship. You fed her for years and in the end it wasn't enough. And it wasn't about the money, either. This is all about her. It always will be.

[pinkparchment]

Arn, you seem like a good guy. My current husband always beats himself up over not providing more material things for me and our family. I've never cared, and no woman worth her salt would either. And think of it this way-he can only afford to buy her that car because he hasn't been supporting her and her/your child for the past 14 years.

And think about what he's in for after the honeymoon period ends. How long is that car going to make her happy before she finds somewhere else to channel her insecurities?

We ALL backslide. I'll feel pretty good for a couple of days and all the sudden, BAM. I'll be broken hearted again. Sometimes there's a trigger, sometimes there is not. I just wake up with that ache. Or I dream about my exBPD and it feels like it just happened again. And I wasn't married to her for 14 years. Like any recovery, it's not always a linear process. It's a constant evolution and takes work.

Don't get down on yourself. Self-worth can only come from one place-yourself. And I'm totally rooting for you.

[arn131arn]

Her birthday was Saturday.  I felt confident.  I wasn't.  I stuffed it.  Deep down into the depths of my sub-conscious. Refused to think about it, acknowledge it.

So, the past 3.5 months have been hard. I have been doing everything I think I can to keep this together.  I have looked at my part, and I understand what I did to cause turmoil in this relationship.  For the 1st time in my life, I see the truth about me, and I don't mind admitting it.  That, my friends, is a first for me.

I was gliding along there for a while.  Life was hard; but good.  I had hope. It is so damn hard at times, sometimes, I have to take it a second at a time.  Again, sometimes good, where I can see the good in the world, in the people around me, in the punk kid barista with the plate lip at the coffee shop.

Then, my world falls apart because of this?

Really?

I guess, I'm a little envious, as well. Here I am holding on to everything piece by piece with all my might.  Trying.  Struggling.  Trudging.  Fighting.

And what is she dealing with?


www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldyx3KHOFXw

[Perfidy]

Arn, it's what your looking at my friend. You got through all of the other crap and you will get through this too. You have a wealth of support. You have everything that you need. It's all the little things that you have gratitude for. You have a roof over your head, clothes to wear, food to eat, a job, your son, your family and friends. To heck with her. What if you had spent sixty grand on a new ride and she left anyway? It would really suck if you had bought that new ride for her and she parked it in some other guys driveway. Be thankful that didn't happen. Focus on you. Have gratitude.

[BeHappyAgain]

Hi Arn

I've read your comments that you are 'left brain' and great at maths... .

I have absolutely nothing in common with you in that respect!  - and I envy you that skill.

However I do think we [and many others here] both have a sense of self esteem that we allow to be  vulnerable to our own critical self talk, and to spurious comparisons.

I've looked into the reasons for this in depth in my own history.

Here's what I found out about the roots of my sense of being 'not good enough'.

The point of this post is to then bat it over the fence to you and say - what is it in your history Arn -

that saddled you also, with shaky self worth?.

Ok here goes...

For all of us, the low self esteem was always there - its just that she woke it from its semi slumber,

its their abandoning us that re-opens wounds we've learned to ignore all our adult life.

Here is the thing, that low self esteem is free floating - in other words it will attach itself to

anything - any situation - any scenario will serve.

With you its that this latest herbert has got a few bob [$] under the mattress.

So that's what it [this free floating low self worth] has attached itself too.

So now your beating yourself up about having [relatively] less money.

With me its was my uExBPDgf getting an 'exciting' job in the emergency services

[lots of attention, drama, trauma on tap].

Soon as she got the job [which she would not have without my help] I got dumped.

Que me feeling DEAD for months -

Beating myself up that I wasn't in an 'exciting' job.

Beating myself up that I basically stare at numbers on a screen all day.

Beating myself up for feeling so weak compared to the men she was now working [and the rest] with.

But my T identified some loses I had experienced in childhood that matched this.

I mean we all self assort the people we're attracted to based on childhood stuff right?

Anyway - here's one of [there are others!], the childhood bonding traumas my T said was significant...

My two elder sisters did most of my care giving due to my mothers injured back.

When I reached 5 - they were 15 and 17

Now, [so my T tells me], at the age of 2-5 we are 'in love' with your entire family...

Suddenly my sisters had [quite naturally] boyfriends coming round, taking them out and

horror of horrors to my 5 year old self - replacing me in their affections!

Who was gonna look after me now ?

I hated their boyfriends!   

The 5yr old me felt hopelessly outdone by bigger/richer/smarter/funnier/tougher/more exiting rivals.

My T identified that [on some level] I was still trying to win the childhood battle with my sisters boyfriends.

So when my exUBPD got her new job and dumped me I felt exactly the same [deep down]

as my 5year old self had in the face of earlier 'rivals' - ie UTTERLY worthless and abandoned.

What do 5year old do? They blame themselves !

Fast forward to our adult selves and - our old wounds are not just re-opend by a BPD 'partner' -

they are brought back to life and given a 10,000v Frankenstein style electrical wake up call !

Can you find when it was in your past that you felt pain at being outdone?

Pain at loosing [or the fear of loosing] the affections of someone you love - to a rival?

I allowed myself to be recycled twice since figuring all this out but, even with that the recycles, the knowledge of the mechanics of it all helped speed up my traveling time no end.

Sorry if I went on a bit there...

Peace to you mate 

[Waifed]

You cannot judge yourself based on the well being of others.  There is always going to be someone who has more, no matter how wealthy you are.  You are a good man.  It is clear through your posts.  Al the money in the world cannot change a persons self worth, integrity or character. 

She may be driving a nice car, living in a nice house, etc. but the bottom line is none of these things will prevent her BPD from triggering her and running her life.  You know that.  You have lived it.  You are being way to hard on yourself.  You have been dealt a pretty ___ty hand.  Throw it out, take some new cards and move forward.  That is the ultimate goal.  You ARE a better than she is.  You didn't cheat on her for years.  It is in no way a reflection of you.  It is all on her.  That has been the toughest thing for me to accept but with time I have finally gotten there and you will too. 

Also, this guy can buy your son the moon but you have one thing that this guy will never have.  You are his dad.  You are his world.  Love him and don't ever let any thoughts of inferiority get in the way.  Carry yourself like a man and good things will happen.  Don't ever forget that and don't ever let any material thing lead you to believe otherwise. 

[seeking balance]

Arn,

Your most important thing according to you is your sobriety and your sponsor cares about that also.

"Go find someone to help, get outside of your self-centered, egotistical self, and if you don't feel better after you do something for someone else, then call me!"

- click

Get the point?

This advice has kept  many people sober.  To be honest, coming to a support group with a bunch of enablers (we so called nons) might not be in your best interest to remain sober - you do need some tough love too.

It is fine for the warm fuzzy stuff - but with what you are going through - pure ego based envy... . you might need to get out of your self.

Of course this stings, but it is not in any way about you or your worth - build some self worth from within - kinda what your sponsor is trying to do with him getting you to ACT in a different way.

How about a meeting?  Is there one you can go to?

[myself]

Arn, the last few months have not been a waste. You know you've made a lot of progress and have learned many helpful things about yourself. You're still detaching, still learning how to deal with this. Since you've been facing yourself, you've seen your part in the r/s, and you also saw hers. Unless you know otherwise, it could be she's been playing games with him, and the car is his way of trying to win this round. Could be they are doing well together. Either way, that's their business, isn't it? You're right, this is about your fears and doubts. Fear that you weren't good enough. Obligated to do more (in the past). Guilt that you didn't. What can you do about it now? Work through your feelings (which are not little, btw, they're as important as you feel). Do not take it out on yourself or those around you. Keep moving forward, being proud of how far you've already come. Keep the focus on you, your son, and sobriety.

[expos]

... . "A NEW CAR!"

After only 3.5 months of dating, he buys her a 60k dollar car.

What a sucker.   This guy is going to pay dearly for that, my friend.  From here on out the bar has been raised.  She will look to obtain more things of high value and it will a constant pursuit of that will never be won.   So, in no time he'll be spending inordinate amounts of money on a BPD woman who'll emotionally beat him to the floor.  Do you really want to be in that position? 

Do you really member the person you were married to?  Look man, she isn't going to change.  She never will.  Think about all of your relatives who you have know throughout the years.  How much have they really changed?  My whiny cousin is still whiny today and she's 34 years old! 

If she appears to have changed, it's only temporary.  Read all the stories here and realize that these people can't hold it together long enough to make it a good relationship with their partners.  You lived it, saw the movie, got the t-shirt.  You know exactly how it all played out.  Why go through this all again? 

I have learned over time, that money is such a non factor.  In fact, I was my happiest when I was making minimum wage as a college student scrubbing pans in a restaurant and living in a $400 apartment above a Hallmark Store.  I drove a 1991 VW Jetta that would break down every 5 months on me.  But every day was really good and I was so happy.

Jump to 10 years later - I'm making good money, my BPD wife has huge diamonds on her fingers, and I'm living in an awesome brand new house, a new car, in a beautiful neighborhood.  But I'm married to a depressed, spoiled BPD woman who is beating me down emotionally, withholding intimacy, and making my life a living hell.   To the outside world, we probably looked pretty good, but behind those doors it was a sh!tstorm.   That right there is your answer!  I gave her everything and it never was good enough.

That whole time, I was wishing I was scrubbing pans and eating Snickers Bars for dinner instead of eating homemade Mancotti with this psychopath.

Those material things are a mask.  It's all phony and BS. 

So, you think the other dude is a better provider?  No, he's not.  He's a guy who's making a terrible investment but doesn't know it yet.  All the material crap is going to go down the drain eventually. 

Focus on being a kickazz person for yourself, love your son, and don't worry about your lousy ex-wife who's only good at driving people crazy and ruining lives. 

[GaGrl]

Arn, you seem like a good guy. My current husband always beats himself up over not providing more material things for me and our family. I've never cared, and no woman worth her salt would either. And think of it this way-he can only afford to buy her that car because he hasn't been supporting her and her/your child for the past 14 years.

Yes, I completely agree.  Believe me, Arn, I'm as Southern as a woman can be, and I don't buy into the "husband provides" mentality, nor do most of my friends and relatives.  You're buying into a very stale construct there.  She is simply disordered, disordered, disordered (and ungrateful).  The gift of supporting someone during the journey of a formal education has INCALCULABLE worth.  You should always carry that with pride.  That she does not realize its value does not diminish the worth of it.

[Fool for Love]

Hang in there... . all I can say is that the guy my ex started a relationship with when we were split up bought her a car after 2 months knowing her. Now, I wasn't aware that they started a relationship and thought she got herself the car So... when she recycled me and we went out of town I was driving the car ... . that's when he followed us and found out that she was with me... I had no idea who this guy was ... needless to say after 2 months of her "playing" with peoples emotions and talking to both without us knowing... . he took the car back and took a $4000.00 loss even thought when we ended and she moved in with him in 2 weeks after the break up... he still lost $4000.00 so the moral of the story is... we know they don't change... so chances are she might take someone else for a ride in that NEW car... and when he finds out... POOF ... keep your head up... I also seen that guys post on looking at FB to help heal... . that might have worked for him... but not most... stop looking... it will only hurt... you was with her 14 yrs... you situation is different than a lot of peoples.       

[Fool for Love]

And another thing? What guy buys a women a car after a few months of them knowing them? it goes to show they picked "victims" again...

[arn131arn]

And another thing? What guy buys a women a car after a few months of them knowing them? it goes to show they picked "victims" again...

I found out he's been around for a while.  So, either an emotional (FB) affair or sexual... . who knows.

Anyway, today was me being crazy Arn again. NOT grounded at all.  Unmanageable, like when I was drinking.  Except I'm not.  Taught me a lesson that my life is just as unmanageable when I'm not drinking as when I am.  It TRULY is all about my actions.  I haven't been to a meeting in a week (school and 2 jobs is killing me), haven't prayed since Friday, isolated myself from everyone, and tests and a project due today.)

So, I left my project at home.  I had to go all the way back home to get it.  I handed it in 5 minutes before the deadline.  Afterwards, took my test and smoked that son of a bhit. It was an emotional day, ups and downs, but that's the one thing she always thought I would do (fold like a cheap tent), that's the one thing she always envied in me most, that I would never give up. But, you see, I have no idea what those two words mean... .

So, I am sitting in my car in the parking lot of school crying reading these posts... . I mean it really is kind of funny, a grown ass man, crying over some trivial situation.  But the remarkable thing is, I had a place to go and seek advice, friendship, clarity, and love.  Thanks, ya'll... . time to get my ass to a meeting.  I have a phone call to make before I get there. (Thanks SB!) You grounded me today, maybe even saved my ass. So, I owe you one.

HaHa... . sorry for the link, but I'm "in" the 80's cheesewagon today... .

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuZlnzETGKE

,

Arn

... . but a 60 F-IN THOUSAND DOLLAR CAR? I mean, I can't lie, the sex was so friggin... .

[seeking balance]

time to get my ass to a meeting.  I have a phone call to make before I get there. (Thanks SB!) You grounded me today, maybe even saved my ass. So, I owe you one.

Yes, get your ass to a meeting 

We are here, but for you - right here and right now - those meetings really are your lifeline at staying grounded.

I am proud of you Arn - even though it was emotionally hard & crazy, you didn't throw in the towel - you are getting back on track.

Go to a meeting and call your sponsor.

Peace,

SB

[Skip]

Before we broke up for good her mother told me I wasn't a REAL man Bc I hadn't bought her an SUV and she was driving our son around in a sub compact car. Yeah, couldn't do that one, but I put your daughter through school with a roof over her head, paid the bills, and put food on the table while she got her degree.

This also ties into the belief system that a man provide for his family. I don't know if this is more of a southern thing or what, but I am feeling, once again, I didn't provide enough. And there is a deficiency in me that is the cause. And I obviously place too much value on 60k dollar automobiles.

Arn,

Your relationship didn't end over a car or money or even this guy.  You split last August.

This is depression talking. We've all felt it.   The anti-depressants will help.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

Stay grounded. Stay sober. Your son needs you.

Skip

[ScotisGone74]

Sorry to hear of your situation Arm really.      But it doesn't matter what the next Mr.x has truly you would probably feel just as bad if the guy was dirt poor.    Also sounds like this guy may possibly have more money than he does sense.    Bpds have a knack for being able to spend gobs of money rather quickly.   When their relationship begins to sour then she will come up with some other reason to lambaste this guy-after of course she's milked his bank account.    Money, like many other things, comes and goes.     If someone is unhappy and a manipulator having money won't fix that.