Struggling with suicide

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My partner of almost 3 yrs was also removing addict whom was relapsing on Xanax. We both were traveling to Sf and she I'm assuming was triggered by this trip as me abandoning her.

I'm a classic codependent whom fell into this dysfunctional relationship  clueless of this until after speaking to her former ex whom was a therapist tell me she was Bpd after her accidental death last month. I'm having a hard time with guilt etc and if anyone here has gone thru something similar it would be great to share with me what has helped you deal with complicated grief.

[CompGrief]

My partner of almost 3 yrs was also removing addict whom was relapsing on Xanax. We both were traveling to Sf and she I'm assuming was triggered by this trip as me abandoning her.

I'm a classic codependent whom fell into this dysfunctional relationship  clueless of this until after speaking to her former ex whom was a therapist tell me she was Bpd after her accidental death last month. I'm having a hard time with guilt etc and if anyone here has gone thru something similar it would be great to share with me what has helped you deal with complicated grief.

[Kwamina]

Hi CompGrief,

I'm very sorry for your loss and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. It's a sad reality of BPD that people with this disorder sometimes try and succeed in taking their own life. The following information might be helpful to you. It's a self-help book for people who have lost someone to sucide: Recovering From Suicide Loss

I hope this information might help you grieve the death of your partner and also help you deal with the guilt you're experiencing. Just know that you are not alone and that we are here for you

[Dog biscuit]

So sorry for your loss Compgrief... .

Are you seeing a therapist or getting some psychological help for dealing with the aftermath of her dead? It must be really tuff.

[CompGrief]

Thanks for your advice on suicide book. I don't even know if it was accidental or intentional overdose. When I read the last few texts she was angry and sad but didn't seem to want to take her on life. It's Hard to know as she was a recovering addict. I'm starting a out patient program for therapy. I hope it helps and addresses the guilt I have and my own codependency issues that I won't ever be involved in this kind of unhealthy relationship again. It felt like a vampire sucking the life at of me. I had some of the best/worst times with this person. Just never want to lose myself like this again.

[Reforming]

Hi CompGrief,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Suicide is so devastating to those who love and are left behind but I can imagine that a relationship with BPD makes it even harder

Many of us here struggle with the lack of closure at the end of our relationship.

BPD is such a devastating disorder.  It causes us so much pain it's easy to forget the misery they feel.

I don't feel qualified or experienced enough to give advice or to help you deal with the pain. But it's great news that you've found a therapist who can help and guide you.

No matter what you feel now we can only be responsible for our own choices. You did the best you could and you could do more

You can find yourself again and find health and happiness.

You're not alone. We're all thinking of you

[Mutt]

I would like to give you my condolences as well CompGrief. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to lose someone to suicide.   I'm sorry for your lose. I'm glad to hear that you're in an outpatient program.

Hang in there.

- Mutt

[CompGrief]

Thank you all for your kind words. I started yesterday and I didn't like the group setting most of which where recovering addicts which hurts me as my partner was. I'm better one on one. I get triggered to much. So far everyone her has been great.I notice that your saying suicide.  I do know she was in a very manic depressive state and was trying to numb her pain. I'd like to think it was accidental. I will know this coming week cause of death. I feel so trapped in this grief and hope I can return to my old self and take from this a lesson about my own issues and let got of this guilt. :'(

[Reforming]

Hi Compgrief

My apologies for misunderstanding your post and jumping to the wrong conclusion.

Whatever the circumstances it's a devastating loss

I hope you're ok. Well done for seeking help.

After what you've been through I'm not surprised that you might feel triggered by group therapy with recovering addicts

Is there any way you can get some one of one therapy.

[Hurricanes]

My ex-fiancé, significant other, best friend has BPD.  He also committed suicide a couple months ago.  Having a hard time trying to understand, move on, and deal with the loss.  Curious more or less if others have experienced same situation.

[Kwamina]

Hi Hurricanes,

I am very sorry for your loss. It's a very unfortunate aspect of BPD that certain people with this disorder have suicidal tendencies and some of them end up committing suicide. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Some of our members have indeed experienced the loss of a BPD loved one through suicide and others have BPD loved ones who have made suicide attempts. We have some resources here that might help you as you try to deal with this loss and move on with your life:

Recovering from suicide loss

It's a self-help handbook for people who have lost someone through suicide. I hope you'll find this helpful. Take care and feel free to ask any questions you might have and share more of your story if you want to. Losing someone you love like this is very tragic so I wish you the best and just know that you're not completely alone  I think you've made the right decision to seek out support here, in my experience bpdfamily is a very loving community

[Love Is Not Enough]

Hurricanes, I would like to join Kwamina in welcoming you  

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is a terrible feeling when we are unable to help a loved one that is experiencing so much pain. My sister committed suicide by a drug overdose in 94 shortly after Kurt Cobain. It was very traumatic for me as a teenager and it took me a long time to accept what had happened. My father never was able to make peace with it I do not believe. After he passed away I found a picture of her in his office in the top drawer. I could only imagine that he must have looked at everyday when he would think of her. I do not have a diagnosis for my sister, but I firmly believe she was dealing with BPD/NPD. It is a common theme in my family and I have been able to trace it back to my great grandmother.

I am sure you will find many members here that have dealt with suicide, attempts and self-harm. I ended up here because of my BPDso who would also burn and cut herself. Then I figured out that I have been surrounded by mental illness my entire life. I know I deal with issues myself and this site has been instrumental in my recovery. You are among friends here. We are here for you  

What do you feel is holding you back the most right now?

It is a process and it will take time. If you feel comfortable sharing, what would you say your level of depression is? Are you having any suicidal thoughts? Self-care is very important right now. I am really happy you are here looking for answers.

Kwamina is right about this being a loving community. We hope to see you around here more. Love can come out of pain I have found. Please ask any questions you may have and most importantly know that you are not alone  

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Rnurse_2001. I want to join Love Is Not Enough and Kwamina in welcoming you to our community.

I am very sorry you are doing through such a difficult loss. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. Good for you for reaching out for some information and to see if you can find others who know how you feel. Many of our members have been touched by suicide and all the pain surrounding it.

Please keep posting so we can learn more about your situation and be here for support.

[Hurricanes]

I am looking for understanding of the disorder and a support system.  I was in an abusive marriage before I met my friend.  He was able to help pull me out of it and move on.  Unfortunately, He had tried previously (thee times) to commit suicide.  I am no longer in shock.  I cried for days on end.  I am not suicidal and could never do that to my children. He didn't call out to me this time.  He didn't say goodbye.  I so wish for closure but I know that will never come to be.  He was my best friend for 13 years (together for 7).

I will look into the resources.  Thank you so much for your time and insights.

[Julie96]

My husband hung himself just recently when I was away from him.  We have a 10 year old daughter.  We had been together for years (19 years ago) then got married, then divorced but 4 years ago we got back together and he couldn't do enough for us.  Every weekend we spent together these past 4 years was off the charts as far as happiness goes and never any major issues or arguments like all those years before.  We lived separately, as he remained in his location for work after the divorce and I became main carer for my aged parents so I and our daughter had moved an hour and a half away to live closer to my parents.  Everything seemed fine up until a week and a half before.  I found out this one particular day my sister had cancer stage 4 and it was when I told him in tears, I felt some kind of barrier went up.  Next day I focused on the computer looking for uplifting info for my sister so he spent the day with our daughter while I was at his place.  He seemed put out that I was concentrating on my sister.

Sorry, I did post about what happened on another page of this site, but can't bring myself to explain it all again here as it breaks my heart reliving it to type it down, even though I relive it in my head every single day.  I'm sure you can find it if you type in suicide in the search section, so apologies for not reposting it all here.

I've gone to a group meeting once about people left behind by suicide, but that was of no help as no one who died had BPD and some of the suicides had happened many years ago.  Plus I've seen a psychologist about 4 times, but that's mainly to do with my daughter coping as she now hates her Dad, so I occasionally tell her how I'm feeling but the psychologist just relates to someone with BPD like she's only read it in a text book as she quotes common traits I've read endlessly over the years.  

I desperately would really like to hear from anyone at all who's had a partner with BPD who has committed suicide.  Supposedly 10% of BPD's successfully commit suicide, but I've only read (via Google searches) about 4 that were in the press.  

I know I never made my husband buy the rope to hang himself, however I know for sure that if I had replied or called him in the few days we were apart he would not have killed himself.  I'm not saying he wouldn't have done it at a future time and I'm not asking for anyone to say it's not my fault.  I was unaware the week and a half we weren't together that he was drinking alcohol, he told me he was working over this long weekend but instead he drank.  He'd never drink in the week, he was always at the gym, eating healthy and always on time at work all day long working hard.  I know if I'd have known he'd been drinking I'd have contacted him, but I thought he was at work so I just put him on the sidelines when he asked an important question as I was busy caring for my parents and I just assumed he'd be busy at work.  I didn't know he was waiting for me to reply and felt that I couldn't be bothered to reply so he felt a burden and then sent me a few texts.  I had no idea he was in a bad place mentally until maybe 40 minutes before he killed himself.  I was expecting a reply that was fine, but he was offended and took what I said the wrong way.  I raced to get to him but it was too late, even though I called the police who were just minutes away from his apartment but they were useless and never got there on time.  

Please if anyone's gone through anything similar I'd really appreciate a reply.  Sorry this post is all jumbled, my brain is jumbled though and just getting through each day trying to be strong for our daughter is a challenge every minute.

Julie96

[Julie96]

Sorry when I said to search 'suicide' in the search section of this site, if you just put my member name julie96 the story will come up from the other post

[Blimblam]

I'm so sorry.  I don't even know what to say.  Accept you are not alone. 

[Skip]

Hi Julie,

I know this is a hard question, but what happened 40 minutes before?  It might help to know.

We have more suicide survivors here than you might imagine... .some lost teenage children.  I'm sure they will look in.

Surely the fact that you and the police were in a race to save him has huge impact on your grieving.  If only... .that has to be hard.

And the fact that this was a rebirth of the relationship. The loss is huge.

My understanding of suicide is that it is a confluence of conditions - often impulsive.  The confluence is the prior ideation and coming to some acceptance, the means, and a spike in depressive state - like an event or feeling or loss.  Is it inevitable?  I'm not sure it is.  everything has to come together.  Is it preventable - this is the hard part - with 20/20 hindsight, probably.  But we have to know things we often don't know.  Things that you did not know.  This is so frustrating.

What thoughts go through your mind?

[Julie96]

I have explained it all again here what led up to his death, so you don't have to go back and forth from my other post.  In answer to your question Skip, the 40 minutes before he died I've put an * next to that paragraph.  It was his response that made me see he was in a dark mood.

On the original post on this page I said about that Friday when I found out my sister had cancer stage 4 and when I told him, that is when I had a gut feeling that he put some kind of barrier up, he seemed distant in a way.  Then the next day I was on his computer looking up optimistic info to give her hope.

Then on the Sunday all was great between us, but on the Monday I had to return to care for my parents and he offered to look after our daughter for the day. She didn't want to spend the day with him as he was doing 'boring domestic stuff' not fun and games as he'd usually do at weekends. He got upset and said quietly to me that if she didn't want to spend the day with him maybe he don't want to see her anymore. I innocently said 'Grow up, she's only 10, she's just a child'.


That was the last day I saw G.  I left our daughter with him and went up to care for my parents.  That afternoon I arranged to meet him half way between our places to pick her up. I did text him saying 'I need your support more than ever now, I don't want us to fall out X' as I'd never asked that before, but when I picked our daughter up from him he was in a down mood and clearly my text didn't change his mood for the better. He said I always look after my parents and now I'll be worrying about my sister and at weekends he looks after me but who's there to look after him. He looked like a little hurt boy and I said if he was ill I'd do what ever it took to get him better and that I loved him. When he drove away he said he 'needed some time'.

He sent an e.mail two days later saying he was fine and not to worry about him and he'd be more supportive as we were everything to him. I thought then everything was fine again.  I was shaken up at that time about my sister's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer and I was confused about my feelings for G as it was unfair that he was asking 'who's there to look after me' when he was aware that I was looking after my parents, our daughter and looking out for my sister.  I am not the kind who will just lash out words in anger, I was always aware that he was emotionally unstable so unless I had something productive to say to him to help I'd not say just anything as he would have taken it so personally.  So that's why when he e.mailed me a couple of days later telling me we were everything to him and he loved us and not to worry - I didn't respond.  I was happy that he'd said what he did, but didn't think I needed to say "yep that's Ok then' as I was still kind of confused as he hadn't had a down mood for almost all the time we'd got back together.  I knew expressing my feelings over the phone wouldn't help and thought that I'd just talk to him about how I felt when we were away on vacation a week later when the time was right.  Besides we were never a couple who needed to call or message each other every day.

Then the day before he committed suicide he sent me a message saying how much he loved me and he 'step one' he's going to give up drinking and did I have any ideas for step two.  I was rushing out the house at that time and quickly replied that I'd get back to him later when I had time to send a proper message.  However I got so busy with looking after my family and then babysitting until late that I didn't have time to think about what good advice I should give him and also it was too late to send him a message as he'd get up for work at 4am so I knew he'd be sleeping.  Next morning I sent a message saying glad he's given up drinking and I'd think about step two when I had time to myself.  I then asked if he wanted me to come along on vacation a few days later with him, his Mother and our daughter (as he had said that last time I'd seen him that he ‘needed some time’) looking back at it now I knew he wanted me to come along, I guess I was just looking for reassurance that he wanted me to come along.  I said the three of them could go if he wanted and I would be fine with that, as I wanted him to feel free to do what he wanted. 

It was half hour after I sent this message that he went out and bought the rope to hang himself (as I found the receipt on his kitchen table when I went to clean up his apartment). 

*He only replied 2 hours and 20 minutes later (after buying alcohol as well) - at this time I was still completely unaware he was in a bad mood as the last two messages I'd received were 'I'm fine, I love you' kind of messages.  But this one I then received said "it sounds like you just want me to take our daughter of your hands for a week and she wouldn't like that"  This completely threw me as I replied quite frankly to him for a change as I never said outright what I meant, I'd always be careful.  I said that he was turning it all around and I thought he said he'd be more supportive and it's not 'taking our daughter off of my hands' it's called 'being a parent'.  I then said I still thought I was going on vacation with them until that last message of his.  I put that as I wanted him to see that I was still hoping and believing everything was going to be fine and we'd still go away on vacation together.  This is when he replied with a few curse words 'all my messages have been about how I love you, don't worry, you keep doing what you're doing and everything else will work itself out.  I asked what he meant and that's when he replied "goodbye that's what it means!"  He then sent a Goodbye e.mail almost the next minute to me (which means he must have typed it out previously as it would have taken more than one minute to type what he did) and then I called the police.

In fact only this past half hour have I finally received the Coroner’s final report in the mail.  It said the police couldn’t get in and had called the fire department who came there but they only gained access into his apartment 20 minutes after I telephoned the police, they said they tried to speak to him through the door but his voice was indistinguishable.    They said when they broke in the door they tried to rescucitate him for 8 minutes until the ambulance arrived but it was too late. 

Just the thought of him still being alive when they cut him down makes it all the more painful to imagine.  I had this hope if nothing else that his death would have been as quick as possible but now I imagine him rushing to do what he did so that they wouldn’t stop him and all the chaos it would have been in his already tormented mind. 

I don't know whether it was the initial fear of my sister not surviving that made him fall into that black mood on that Friday, or me being busy looking out for her, or our daughter innocently not wanting to spend the day with him.   I do know that if I'd have called that last week he'd be here, but I was too busy looking after others as always. 

His final e.mail to me said 'I can't live this life anymore.  I envy the love you have for your family but don't let it be to the detriment of those who love you the most" He said he was a loser and sorry he was letting us down but we were both better off without him. 

It was hard enough before, but now knowing I added even more chaos to his final moments upsets me even more. 

You ask what thoughts are going through my mind, well all of the above and even though I would never take my own life to be honest I just don't want to be here in this world now.  Every optimistic thought I've felt and what everyone loves me for has gone.  My Mother died just weeks after G killed himself due to the carer's who took over from me for a couple of weeks overlooked a bed sore which got infected.  She died on my birthday.  So I know she'd still be here if G was as I looked after my Mother for 10 years.  I know I have to keep on for my daughter's sake.  But I'm just being honest with you, that's why I'm so desperate to find other's who've had anything similar happen to them. 

I know this is an extremely long message, but I don't need to go into detail about it any more on here so I can take relief in that.

X

[tired-of-it-all]

Julie,

You did not cause this. His mental health is not your responsibility. You are a compassionate, loving person. That is why you are suffering such grief from this issue.

It is perfectly reasonable and normal for you to need some time to deal with your sister's illness. You were grieving that issue when your husband made the decision to take his own life. You were doing the best you could do with a tough situation (your sister). You had every right to be in the mental state you were in. He decided to take his own life. You cannot be there every moment for him. That is impossible. It is also no way for you to have to live.

My BPDWife has threatened suicide many times. It runs in her family. I accepted a long time ago that I cannot control this. So far she has not followed thru.

Take care of your daughter. Understand grief and go through its stages. Live your life knowing you have done the B st you can under the circumstances. You deserve happiness.

[Julie96]

tired of it all - thank you.  I am glad I put it all down in detail because otherwise I'd be thinking 'but I never explained this or that and they don't know the full story' but it's all in my post, nothing left out.  I will take in what you say.  I hope your wife never carries out her threat.

julie96

[Skip]

Dealing with the death of a mother and SO in a short time is huge.  Each of these events is monumental on its own.  And both were art of your support system - so you didn't have one to help you deal with the loss of the other.  And then add on the circumstances. Wow.

We can only take so much trauma before we overload.  You may be flooded right now.  This is likely driving most of the emotion.

On the issue of feeling responsible... .try to accept the reality for what it is.  If you distort it in any direction, you will struggle with it forever and given all the stress you are under, distortion is easy.

It is true that if you had done things differently or if the firetruck driver didn't finish his baloney sandwich before hopping into the truck, things might have been different.  We can instant replay life and see many things we could have done differently, should have done differently. It's real. Life is complex that way. And we often have incredible insight looking back.

In my case, there were at least 3 signs as big as a public bus that suicide was coming.  Professionals were involved.  Law enforcement.  We talked about it as a family.  Looking forward we were blind - we didn't have the experience to see it and make the right calls. Heck, there was a readily accessible deadly weapon. Looking backward, it was very clear how it all rolled out. If one of interceded at one point or another it may have made a difference.  It also may not have.  We just don't really know.  This is how I hold it and I accept it.  I have some remorse, guilt... .I think the right amount.  It's OK.

Have you had a meds evaluation?

[Moselle]

Julie96,

Sorry to hear this has happened, thank you for sharing your story.

I wish you all the best as you wade through this incredibly difficult time.

Best Regards,

Moselle

PS My BPD/NPD wife has threatened suicide many times too. I never know if it is real. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope I recognise the warning signs.

[Julie96]

Skip, the day after it happened my sisters took me to the doctor's as I hadn't slept plus I had to tell our daughter, the doctor was in tears too as she'd been there helping me with all my visits regarding my parents over the years.  My Mother was blind, had dementia, couldn't walk etc. plus my Dad's over 90 and needs most things done for him.  So when she found out about my partner she was in shock too as she wasn't aware he had BPD as I was always so busy with my parents, plus just 2 weeks before it happened she suggested I see a counsellor regarding the stress caring for my parents was putting me under as it was all getting so difficult after 10 year of caring for my them plus the relationship with our daughter was strained because of it.  The doctor booked for us both to see another psychologist together as our daughter was resistant to G moving in as the whole dynamics had changed in her life with us all back together.  G wanted to move in, but I said that we needed to make sure our daughter was settled with the idea first and that way it won't cause any upset between us all so we'd have a better chance of being a 'happy family' all living together. G seemed fine with this and said he felt like he'd been let off of in a way as he said he could help me with my parents and Elizabeth and so I didn't have to do it all on my own. I wanted to do it right this time with no major arguments and the foundations strong.  The doctor had got me an appointment for our daughter and I to actually see a psychologist for the Monday after G killed himself.  It was booked and it was just days away. 

So the day after G committed suicide, the doctor gave me valium to relax and some pills to help me sleep.  I took the sleeping pills for two nights and only took Valium once but it didn't help at all.  So I've taken nothing since.  I need to be able to function as I still need to look after our daughter and Dad. 

I agree that not having G there when my Mother died was awful as I needed him so much.   I still do.

[Harri]

Julie, I can't really imagine the pain and hurt you must be feeling.  I am so sorry.  I do understand the almost compulsive urge to try to second guess the past and think 'if only'.  When I do it, it is so I feel I had a some control over a situation.  The fact is tho, what happened happened. 

I am concerned about you.  It sounds like it is hard for you to put yourself first, or even near to the top of the 'to take care of list'.  I know you need and want to take care of your dad and your daughter.  Are there people who can help take some of the responsibility off your shoulders right now?  Also, if the valium did not work, you can ask your doctor if there is something else you can take that will not make it more difficult to function.

I am glad you shared your story as it is important to do so.  It is also good that you are reaching out to people.

Just breathe Julie.  You will come through this.

[Julie96]

Skip,

I did answer your questions but haven't heard back from you, also I haven't yet heard from others who may have had a similar experience.  Have I got it in the right section because I check three times a day looking for any such replies as I put everything I had in that post explaining and it was extremely difficult telling the whole story. 

[Ihope2]

Dear Julie

I do not have a similar experience, but I would like to wish you strength and hope to keep going through this dark night of the soul and come out the other side with some kind of peace in your heart.

I think people with BPD partners / family members / friends struggle deeply with the issue of suicide, it is a terrible hallmark of those suffering from BPD that they are at great risk of committing suicide and we who have been in relationships with pwBPD probably fear this very thing more than everything else we have to contend with.

I cannot even begin to fathom how one is supposed to cope with the aftermath of suicide of a loved one, let alone coupled with another death in the family.

I hope in time you can find some peace.

Ihope2

[Julie96]

'Tired of it all' - Thanks for what you said, you make it clearer when you say I had enough to cope with with my sister's diagnosis of Cancer.  That is what was consuming my mind that last week and a half of Gary's life.  He had sent me an e.mail the week before he committed suicide saying he was sorry and he'd try to be more supportive as he knew I had enough to deal with at that time with my sister and my parents. He said he loved me and all this positive stuff, then he said he was working all weekend (when he actually wasn't, he stayed home and drank) he never drank in the weekdays as he was punctual and had a great work ethic and would be at work on time, never late, worked hard, but this was Easter weekend and over here they have Monday off as well as it's a public holiday.  So I just thought he was taking on extra work as he'd get paid more. 

I would have replied but I didn't as I was still mixed up a bit as even though he'd apologised about being off with me about my sister being ill and me not being there to look after him, I was disappointed that he would even feel that way to begin with when I was under enough stress, I was spread too thin and even though I know he said sorry I just needed to get my head around it and not just say "that's Ok, everything's alright then now you've said sorry' as I did that all the time when we were together for years before and just sweep it under the carpet, but this time I just wanted to be true to my self and be 'ok' with it before I replied.  I didn't hold a grudge, I was just focusing on my sister and my parents until I would see him again.  So I never sent back a reassuring 'Ok, all is great' reply as my mind was on my sister and parents. 

I just assumed he was Ok and that's what mattered at that point, he realised he was being unfair, he apologised and was working on being more supportive.  So I left it at that. 

So thank you for pointing out that I had my reasons to be preoccupied. 

I hope your wife slowly gets through this.  I used to think things were my fault years ago when G would argue with me and blame me until when we divorced I was a shell of the person I used to be.  He'd have a nugget of truth in things he'd criticise me for and so I'd analyse it thinking that maybe he's right.   Then these past 4 years we were back together I'd never done that as he was so lovely to me and our daughter.  Now he's dead though his last e.mail to me plays over and over in my head and now I'm analysing what he said and feel to blame deep down for what he did.  I know it's not logical that I am the cause of it all, but after so many years with him with BPD it's a habit that doesn't go away.  Maybe I upset him when I did this, or that etc., you know what I mean?

[Julie96]

Thanks also Harri and ihope2,

Harri, I am not taking any medication at all.  I actually went to the doctors last week about headaches that I've suffered for years now getting worse, she prescribed me  10mg Endep a day, she said it's been proven to help with headaches, she said it's a low dose anti depressant which when used for that purpose is taken at 50mg a day.  So for two days I took it and I then felt even more depressed than I was before!  I couldn't function at all, felt yuk and found it hard to string a sentence together.  So I'm not taking any more of those or any other pills.  I know it was for my headaches, but I'd rather suffer a 24 hour headache then feel out of control and spacey.  Someone suggested I take anti depressants to deal with G's suicide, but my view on it is I want to deal with every single thought as painful and as heartbreaking as it is and learn to cope with it and not mask the feelings with medication. 

ihope2- G would make lighthearted comments on suicide, but when he was there next to me jokingly saying such things I'd feel uneasy a little but not for a single second did I ever think he'd do it.  I just brushed it off and thought it was his sense of humour and warped feelings about life that was what was behind him saying that stuff and he'd just say it to laugh and see my reaction. We were so similar but so vastly different on our outlook on life and death. But I honestly with all my heart thought he was just making light hearted comments about it once in a while just to see my shocked reaction and then he'd laugh and so would I. 

I never in a million years thought he'd ever commit suicide, I genuinely didn't.  He was just so full of life and loved us so much and had a sense of humour everyone would comment on.  I'd never met anyone as funny as he was in my whole life.  I just thought it was his sense of humour.  Now I see it was a masked cry for help - but when the person you love is alive and physically well beside you jokingly saying something like that, you wouldn't pick up on it as a warning sign when everything else seems to be going well.  It was in my mind as what happens to other people.  I know if before that last week and a half of his life - the entire time before if I'd had to relive my time with G again (not knowing what I know now) I'd still never pick up the warning sign that he would one day kill himself. 

I was going to end this wanting to warn you all to be more aware with your partner/family member with BPD if they say things like G did, but I had no idea this was going to happen ever, it's still absolutely shocking to me that he did what he did.

[tired-of-it-all]

Julie,

I don't mean to be Captain Obvious but what you are going through it grief.  There are stages of grief and we have to go through them.  If we try to skip steps or avoid them, it drags out the process.  I find that it helps my mental pain to remind myself that I am grieving.  That makes it not seem so bad.  I have spent a number of years in the alanon program.  It has helped with my emotional maturity.  I find now when something happens I am able to grieve the situation in less time and then get on with my life.  That may seem harsh to you with what you are feeling but it is where I am emotionally.  It is where I am at this point in my life.

Blaming ourselves is something that we all do when we experience the death of a loved one.  It is all the more worse when someone commits suicide or has a horrible accident.  In reality, we have very little control over other people.  Particularly people with mental illness.

What I am trying to say to you is that I hope you can stop blaming yourself.  You truly had nothing to do with his death.  I hope you can say to yourself, "I am grieving.  This is the state of anger." or "This is the state of unbelief." or wherever you are.  It makes the pain less frightening.  I also makes me remember that these painful feelings are going to pass and that I am going to be okay.

Julie, you are going to be okay.  Try to fill your time with other things.  Try to do some things that are good for you.  Take walks.  Go on vacation.  Read fun books.  Take dancing lessons.  You need these things not just because of your husband but because of the other pressures of your life.  Set aside some time each day or each week for you.  You are no help to the other people in your life if you don't take care of yourself.

I know that I am rambling on and on but we have all been where you are in one form or another and I feel your pain.

I will add you to my prayer list.

[Julie96]

Tired of it all - thanks for taking the time and what you said.  I will try to look at it as just grieving but it's hard to put the 'what if's and if only's aside' right now.  I would like to have time to myself but I am still carer for my 90 year old Dad and today that put a massive strain on me.  He has dementia and it's gotten far worse since my Mum died less than 4 months ago.  My Mum had dementia for years and years.  My Dad's was just memory loss in the beginning but now is far worse.  He keeps forgetting G's dead and talks to me about him all the time and I try to be respectful and answer, but today he just asked 3 times in less than 10 minutes and I raised my voice to explain again and he went off and I couldn't cope.  I know it sounds crazy saying it now when I'm calmer at home but I just wanted to drive my car into a tree while we were both in it just to end the argument and end my pain.  I ended up getting a care company to come look after him the whole day so that I could pick my daughter up from school and just spend the day with her.  Me and my Dad later told each other we love each other, but as I'm his main carer, I get no time to myself as I have to look after him almost every day.  I wish I had time to myself, rather than an hour or two at most at night on the computer. 

Thank you though for caring, I appreciate it.

[Ihope2]

Julie96, keep writing here.  This bpdfamily community is the best thing ever.  There is such a collective healing grace here.

Here you needn't feel alone with all your grief, troubles and loss.

[tired-of-it-all]

Julie,

There is nothing more maddening than taking care of someone with dementia.  I don't see how you stand it.  I guess you do what you have to do.

You have friends who support you here on this forum.  Keep in contact.

[Skip]

My ex-fiancé, significant other, best friend has BPD.  He also committed suicide a couple months ago.  Having a hard time trying to understand, move on, and deal with the loss.  Curious more or less if others have experienced same situation.

How are you doing?

[Hurricanes]

Holiday difficult time.  Anniversary was November 23rd for him and November 26th for me.  We celebrated both.   His birthday would have been on Halloween.  Some days easier then others, but one day at a time.  Thank you for reaching out. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hurricanes, I'm so sorry for your loss.  You, too, Julie96.

When I was a senior in college, my Aunt, who was like a second mother to me, committed suicide.  It was a devastating loss and caused a rift in my family that continues to this day.  She was the glue that held us together; without her, we drifted apart.  I'm making efforts to reconnect with family now, years after the tragedy.

Having experienced the reality of suicide firsthand, it was extremely upsetting for me when my BPDxW first began making suicide threats.  I was beside myself.  I called her therapist, I went to the local hospital for help and I reached out to her family.  Yet nothing was particularly effective because, like many w/BPD, my Ex refused to address her issues.  After 12-15 suicide threats, I came to see that they were basically cries for help -- the ultimate manipulation -- from a disordered mind.  You could say that they were the expressions of her turbulent emotional states.  Fortunately she never carried through with her threats, yet there was always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that maybe this time she really meant it.  The stress was enormous.

After 16 years, our marriage failed and we have been divorced for a year and a half.  I still fear that someday she may act on her threats, as I know that a certain percentage of those who suffer from BPD will actually commit suicide.  So it's still a reality for me, as we have children together.

I empathize with all above who have been affected by the terrible effects of suicide, or threats of it.

LuckyJim

[Moselle]

Hurricanes.

Support and strength during the festive season

[Hurricanes]

Thank you for your thoughts and support.  This time of year has such memories and it is harder than I imagined that it would.  I hurt for someone who is in so much pain that they only feel that ending one's life is the answer.  They do not see how that one long term act for a short term problem can affect others that love them and would have done anything for them.  For someone that didn't think he had anyone in his life, had a banquet hall full of people mourning his loss in his memory... . 

[Julie96]

Hey Hurricane,  I didn't mean to kind of hijack your post as when I was getting replies to things I'd written I mistakenly thought it was a post I'd done from a few months ago. 

I totally agree that Christmas time is difficult to go through with what's happened to us both.  Nothing will make it easier, I just long for January again and getting through the next couple of weeks. 

I hope you get through it Ok too. 

Take care of yourself.

[downwhim]

My   goes out to you at this time. This place is where you should be to get the support needed.

[Hurricanes]

Thank you all.  Hard time of year.  Will be glad when the holidays are over.  Wish you all a Merry Christmas and best wishes into the new year.   

[CompGrief]

T

[Skip]

My partner of almost 3 yrs was also removing addict whom was relapsing on Xanax. We both were traveling to Sf and she I'm assuming was triggered by this trip as me abandoning her.

I'm a classic codependent whom fell into this dysfunctional relationship  clueless of this until after speaking to her former ex whom was a therapist tell me she was BPD after her accidental death last month. I'm having a hard time with guilt etc and if anyone here has gone thru something similar it would be great to share with me what has helped you deal with complicated grief.

Hi CompGrief,

We have a small group in this thread working with the loss of a loved every. How is it going? I see its about a year.