I made a list...

[drxap]

Recent days have been a little worse, as I have been reminiscing over my past BPD r/s. I have never told anyone in my life how bad things were for me and I hate the feeling of silently suffering. Since I never told anyone, I made a list of unacceptable crap I put up with and I want to share it with all of you. These are the things that came to mind today.

List of Unacceptable Stuff:

-Staying out until 4AM with no call

-Cheating on me, more times than you will admit to

-Visiting your ex when you said you were going to see your dying grandfather

-Falsely telling people that I was crazy and controlling

-Manipulating our therapists

-Pressuring me to get engaged so early and so frequently

-Always talking about yourself/ never caring to hear about anyone else

-Hooking up with your ex at our apartment

-Convincing me I was the abuser

-Accusing me of cheating constantly

-Lying to me over and over

-Convincing me I was losing my mind when I knew you were lying about something

-Stealing my watch without returning your jewelry

-Telling me that I needed to be on medication

-Getting me kicked out of our first house

-Getting me arrested

-Participating in Kink while I was out of town

-Hooking up with your boss

-Pretending to not be on your period

-Taking shifts at work then going out to the bars when we had plans

-Using suicide attempts to control me

-Blaming me for your lack of self worth

-Ruining my relationships with friends

-Spending sprees while we were struggling to pay rent

-Yanking my dog off the stairs

-Physically attacking me

-Being abusive towards your own family

-Frequently going to the ER for minor illnesses

-Screaming at me for not helping fast enough when you spilled things

-Flirting with other guys at the bars while I was with you

-Getting trashed and verbally abusing me

-Pretending to see and talk to ghosts

-Treating me like I was not helping out while asking me to not work as much

-Moving in with me instead of getting your own place

-Creating tension with all roomates

-Getting fired for drinking at work

-Lying about having a degree

-Throwing a fit at our camping trip for not getting enough attention

-Lying about childhood experiences to establish guilt

-Projecting your issues onto me, like being BPD

-Giving yourself a black eye after breaking up and blaming it on me

[living in the past]

 wow drxap, i"m guessing there are more , you are not alone here, i didn"t read all your post so i don"t know if you are still in r/s, but my thought is at least for my friend she is not capable of a normal r/s, like they say its like going to the hardware store to buy milk, best of luck to you.

[Waifed]

My exes list would include at least 3/4 of those items.  If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.  It is just amazing that people like this exist in the world and are among us.  I think that the most difficult thing about this is that they don't care about anyone but themselves and they have no remorse.  At the end of the day, it is all about them.  All of the BS about them not being able to help it is nonsense.  Wrong is wrong and if they chose to behave like they do then let them suffer the consequences.  Heal and be free drxap.

[Popcorn71]

Yeah that's quite a list.  All unacceptable behaviour!

The list for my exBPDh would be pages long but here are some:-

Being physically and verbally abusive to my son for 7 years of our 9 year relationship.

Made negative comments about my body, knowing it made me unhappy

Grabbing my breasts whenever he felt like it, knowing that I did not like this

Spending most of his free time with 'friends' rather than with me

Regularly coming home late with no real explanation of where he had been

Maintaining 'friendships' with several women, including texting late at night, when I told him I wasn't happy about it

Often told me that women were interested in him (when I now think they really weren't), to make me insecure

Purposely buying me chocolate and taking me out for meals, when he knew I was trying to lose weight (sabotaged my efforts every time)

Persuaded me to give up work, making me financially dependent on him

The list could go on and on but you get the idea!

When you look at the list, doesn't it make you wonder why we stayed so long?

[drxap]

Things just seem so obvious now and they really should have been obvious before. I always thought this kind of stuff couldn't happen to me, because I had very strong logical reasoning skills. I could not be conned. But I was wrong.

[nownotsure]

Kind of scary to think I could compile an equally lengthily list of bad behaviors for my uexBPDgf, but my own favorite (red flag) during the first month of dating my ex would be:

Asking me to drive her to pick her car up after a major $$$ repair, and when we get there she realizes she left her purse at home and has no way to pay for it and it's a Friday and the garage closes in 20 minutes. The fool I was pays the bill, all the time unaware she had her drivers licence and spare credit card tucked away in the glove box of her car where it always is.

I can laugh because as far as I know it was only money I lost, but your list makes me realize other's have been less fortunate in their dealings with loved ones with this disorder. You have my sympathy!

[Vatz]

-Cheating

-Physical Abuse (didn't hurt physically... . but it hurt inside and put me in a really bad position of having to restrain her.)

-Verbal Abuse

-Hot/Cold behavior that leaves me confused and at odds with myself.

Just general stuff. Not much fun. As for all the things you listed drx, it sounds pretty horrid and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

[Surnia]

Hi drxap

This is really though what you had to go through!

I think it is good to write all this down, and I agree about the unhealthy silence.

It remember me my past: It was a very important moment when I started to tell my close friends that my marriage was so stressful and sometimes frightening.

Are you still working with a therapist?

[drxap]

Surnia,

No therapist right now, but I will probably get one as soon as I start a job. The whole BPD breakup had a pretty big impact on my job search initially.

How did you tell your friends and family?

[Surnia]

Surnia,

No therapist right now, but I will probably get one as soon as I start a job.

I think this would be good! 

About telling friends:

It just happened, one day I started to tell one of my friends, not about BPD/NPD, just how difficult my marriage is and how scary some things are for me, not just the normal rs fights ... . and after that it was like: Wow, what a difference for me. It was like: Yes, its me, with all the mess in my rs and a huge relief in the same time. After that it was easier for me generally to speak about it. I never mentioned PDs, I described some of his behaviors and my emotions.

I guess what was important for me that prior, I started to realize: I may have my issues but it was not just my fault and some of the things I went through was beyond boundaries. 

[Clearmind]

Drx that is some list. I did the same.

Any ideas why despite the extensive list you stayed with this person? Lulu clearly were not treated well.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi drxap

Wow, thanks for posting your list

I'm gonna post mine to remind myself of all the crap he did whilst I continue to mope around missing the good stuff more along with the loss of your dreams and hope that you could finally get it right.

Enmeshing himself in my life without my OK

Failing to keep seeking employment for 4 years and only applying when he is single again for 4 months, (after dumping and ignoring me)

Blaming me for everything wrong with his life, and if not me everyone else around us

Playing jealousy games to hurt me

Staying out all night and telling me to call him, but never answering his phone when I did

Always being broke every week and running out of money, (taking me and his parents for granted with his entitlement issues)

Spending money on stupid stuff that he didn't need and then punishing me for it afterwards, (ie, I'm starving and homeless)

Lying to me

Ruining every Christmas, and Valentines Day for 4 years

Never putting his status on Facebook or Hotmail as 'In a relationship', (used the excuse that he hated Facebook but when he wasn't around me, he was on there all the time)

Stalking and threatening any male friends I had on Facebook when I met him, (followed one home convinced we were having an affair)

Calling me horrible names because I had male friends when I met him

Drinking in secret, (and smoking pot) and then running me down if I admitted to having a few quiet drinks now and then.

Trying to kill me several times, (once premeditated)

Smashing my property, and threatening my life

Lying to me so I would lose a new friend I had made (I met this new friend after BP had dumped me and gave me the silent treatment for 4 months)

Then since he is back in my life, expects me to dump that friend as soon as BP is back in my life so lies to make that happen

Stealing my son in laws mail from the letterbox

Trying to sneak into my home when I didn't know he was here and was at work, (left doors unlocked hoping I wouldn't notice)

Damaging my property on several occasions, and having no remorse, only justifications and excuses

Harrassing and humiliating me at my place of work hundreds of times

Lying to people he knew about things he had done, making himself the victim

Getting upset about every little thing, and turning it round to be all about him

Being nasty, critical and demeaning to me in public, and ordering me around like an idiot or a child

Saying horrible things about my body, or looks

Threats to find another woman, (if he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it)

Having double standards to his own jokes and humour or activities or behaviour

Buying a car without telling me, not able to afford it, and then sponging off me way more, whilst still treating me like crap

Threatening his Fathers life several times, and pushing his Father over

The way he talks about everyone in his life, disgusting, demoralising, aggressive and verbally abusive most of the time

Confusing me constantly through not making up his mind about what he wanted

Blaming me for our lack of fun and ability to have holidays or travel

Blaming the fact that I am a Mother, and have responsibilities, (we are both in mid 40's), yet my children are 23 and 20!

Still accusing me of having affairs or a secret life, yet he leaves his phone in his car almost permanently and I never see it. Strangely he wants to make extra money by selling stuff, but never had his phone to answer it, odd.

Stalking through all my personal stuff whilst I am working, but keeping his own stuff private and out of bounds

Threats of violence

Always ill, or complaining about being ill, yet never once went to a doctor for a check up

Admitting he was mentally ill when I met him as a friend, during the relationship, and then denying he had said it.

Expecting me to be his 24 hour therapist for everything

Expecting me to consistently support him financially, but nothing he did was consistent.

Stealing and justifying it on a permanent basis

Flirting and likely cheating as well given his disappearing acts overnight and phone behaviour

Making his contributions exaggerated when in reality they were nothing compared to what I had given him

Worst of all?

Interspersing all this crazy making crap with being wonderful, kind and loving to the point that you would forget everything again and build that foolish hope

How sick and addicted I was/am

I gave him the ultimatum again that he needs to seek help and that he can no longer crash at my house or be in a relationship with me until he does.

That was a week ago, and apart from the hang up calls, he has been back on dating sites again.

So there I have my answer I guess.

Thanks for letting me share

[ogopogodude]

I kinda have summed it all down to just one thing:

BPD's simply take the 'fun' out of life.

You can take your whole list of crap and condense it down to the above statement.

[seeking balance]

Things just seem so obvious now and they really should have been obvious before. I always thought this kind of stuff couldn't happen to me, because I had very strong logical reasoning skills. I could not be conned. But I was wrong.

When I made my list, I was shocked and embarrassed and people that know me honestly could not believe that the "logical, rational" person that I portray would end up in that situation... . I understand completely the total shock when you see what you become in all this.

Emotions are why we stayed - not logic - and I don't mean love.  Digging into our own emotional makeup is the way to break through and not repeat a pattern again.

Hang in there,

SB

[Fool for Love]

Well , my BPDexgf was never physically abusive but she was mentally abusive ... She would say mean things like cuss me but the quilt trips where very intense ...

Lies about everything

Lied about people to make her the victim

Cheated once that I knew but I think more

Accused me of "looking " for other women

Accused me of secretly meeting my ex wife

Mad when I went to friends "said she was scared I would fin someone else "

Helped her financially with never appreciating it

Always had some "guy friends" but threw a fit if it was turned around

Always a crises

I didn't do enough and If I did it still wasn't

I always felt like I had to prove my love

Man the list could go on ...

It's funny that a lot of things we would argue about was stuff she would tell me

That she was worried that I would do ... As it turns out she was the one doing the things that she worried I would ... Just amazing ...

[Fool for Love]

I meant to say she wouldn't say mean things or cuss me but the guilt trips where bad

[rollercoaster24]

Oh, I forgot to add

Tried to alienate me from everyone I was close to in my life, (family, my own children, and friends)

Succeeded in making my life so difficult, that I gave up my friends just to avoid accusations, and all I had was my job, home, him, and almost lost my family too, (daughter and son in law want to move out)

And still, the accusations and now what?

Tried to make me lose my job many times

Threatened to ruin me in the community

Told lies to the Police about me and my family, to cover up what he had done himself and why he was at the station in the first place, (tried to assault my family, and copped a punch himself)

Constantly sat around devaluing everything that was being done for him, and denying he had any help from anyone

Left a whole pile of his crap for me to clean up and dispose of, whilst complaining that nobody gave him any storage and he had to throw his stuff out.

At his parents? A whole shed full of his stuff, including a motorbike which he is now trying to sell I hear.

The only thing BP had to put in storage? His project car that he brought on me (without asking me first)

At my place, a whole heap of car parts, an old bike he never fixed, plus a heavy scrubbing machine he found and never finished, which I told him I didn't want or need in the first place, (when he tried to say he got it for me)

At my office space? (place of business) - A large 2 door commercial fridge, that needs repairing but is repairable. BP lied to me to get use of storage space and then once it was in there, said he didn't actually know if his brothers friend wanted it, (truth was he knew the guy didn't want it at all)

I kept reminding him that shortly I was losing that space to a future new tenant, so he would have to dispose of the fridge elsewhere, (he ignored me)

Threatening to destroy my name in business by phoning the company that hires me as a contractor

Putting me down for watching movies and having a large TV or listening to loud music, (whilst he does all the time)

Complaining he is starving whilst you repeatedly offer and pay for his food and keep

Thinks nothing of having 3 showers per day, and then complaining that he is dirty all the time and doesn't have clean clothes

Not once, by the way, has he done his own washing since he has come back into my life, I've done it for him, along with cooking and cleaning and the rest

Made hurtful and inappropriate comments about other women in front of me, or about himself and other women

yet, would start WW3 if I acted like him

Complained about his chain smoking habit and lack of exercise, yet if you asked him to join you for a walk he was 'too tired', or 'starving permanently with no energy.

Amazingly he always had plenty of energy for the things he wanted to do, like swimming on his own, or working on cars, or going for runs whilst not with me

Telling me it was all about money to me, whilst he lived off me for 4 years permanently

Lying to Unemployment Agencies about why he wasn't able to look for work or was homeless

Kept me awake at nights, and then complained about always being tired

Hated me going to therapy and caused trouble when I did

Complained constantly about my job, yet never sought employment himself to jointly assist in changing our lives

Sorry, the list goes on

[LA4610]

WOW! i don't even know what to say... . i agree with Turkish... . it is amazing ppl like this even exist. i had no clue until i meet my ex.

god bless you my friend. we all know you have been through hell.

[blissful_camper]

Badmouthing former partners

Punitive toward others

Slandered people he didn't like

Envious of others

Gossiping

Judging others harshly

Push/Pull

Moody

Pathological liar

Verbally-emotionally abusive

Shut downs

Silent treatment

Sarcasm

Devaluing

Evasive

Inability to communicate peacefully during conflict

Made excuses

Played victim

Takes others for granted

Hides his abusive behavior (behind closed doors)

Self centered

Withholding

Didn't compliment me but was quick to criticize me

Jealous of my friends

Tried to isolate me from family and friends

Abusive toward my dog

I could never do enough to please him

Jealous of my career

Bragged to others about me but never expressed that he was proud of me

When out of town, he wouldn't contact me to check in

Avoided physical and emotional intimacy

He was opaque

Emotionally immature

Triangulation

Criticized the food I made

Raged

Used veiled threats when raging

Dangled carrots

Overstepped my boundaries

No follow through on agreements

Impulsive

Mocked me for caring about him

Mocked me when I cried

Insenstive to the feelings of others

Inability to take responsibility for his behavior

Mean spirited

Disrespectful to women

Played head games

Manipulative

Criticized me for being intelligent

Lied about being in therapy for nearly 6 months

It was like dealing with an out-of-control teen trapped in a 50-something body.  9 months out.  Thanks for starting this thread. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

She broke up with me numerous times showing zero empathy.  Her emotional expression looked like she was telling me that she just finished doing her laundry.  I felt like I didn't exist every time.  Awful.  I will never forget that.  It would almost always catch me off guard, too.  But I started to realize that it would happen shortly after we had a very intimate time together.  And I continued to go back to her over and over.  I have not spoken to her now in almost 2 years.

[heartandwhole]

drxap,

That is some list, and I agree, that is just unacceptable.  I'm so glad you shared that, seeing it in black and white is powerful.  As SB says, this is not rational, this is about our emotional cores. 

Now that you see the unacceptable behavior written out, does it bring back any feelings?

We can feel the hurt and miss our exes, and still make different choices. The feelings don't have to dictate our actions.  We have a choice – finally– we aren't helpless children trying to survive anymore. 

Keep up the good work! 

[Promises]

I wrote my list last night.  wow, its a long one.  Very similar to the lists posted.  Amazing how they seem exactly alike.  I spent a long time making my list to the point my mom thought I was obsessing which I kinda was.  She thinks I ought a be working on acceptance instead.  Not accepting him but accepting things I can't change.  I need to work on moving on and self improvement.  I totally understand the purpose of the list but did it make anyone else just too upset?  it made me waste my night thinking about it but I'm glad I made it so I can pull it out if I'm ever tempted to contact him. I love these boards but I do have the tendacy to obsess so I have to make myself quit reading it and focus on something else more positive.  Anyone else having trouble with obsessive thoughts.  I feel like he is renting out space in my brain without paying rent.

Promises

[State85]

Partial list:

broke ornaments on christmas tree given to me by my parents

broke side door to my house

broke back door to my house

gave me a black eye

beaten on multiple occasions

verbally abused me with names I have never even heard of before

broke sentimental items in my house

caught lieing on multiple occasions

would not let me go to sleep

had to win every argument

blamed me for being late to lots of things, when she would not leave on her own

stopped car in middle of road, got out, leaving me in car running in traffic, then raged at me cause it took me too long to

list goes on

[drxap]

I feel I come a long ways since I started this thread and I feel like making my list really did help me move on. It was very difficult for me to justify how abused I felt, but making the list really helped me truly see the r/s for what it really was:

A very sick person leaching onto a successful, healthy, lonely person.

Thank you everyone for sharing some of your lists, a lot of us put up with some truly horrifying situations.

I used to think I would always care about my BPD exgf, but I just don't anymore. I don't know how she is doing or what she is up to and I just don't care one way or the other, and it feels great. 

[corraline]

I remember when i went to the local abuse centre for women here and told the counselor all of the things that were happening she was shocked and thought it was the worst case of psychological abuse she has ever encountered  I didnt even tell her some of the sexual stuff cause i was embarrassed about it

embarrassed because she was already overwhelmed by what i had said and i started to feel like an idiot for being in it all for so long

also the weird thing was... . when she acknowledged how bad it was i went into doubting my perceptions and i could hear his little tape rolling in my head about how i was always in story and demonizing him

then i had to admit to reality but it felt so traumatic and shocking to my system to accept all of it

i always made excuses myself and swept really yucky stuff under the carpet but the cost of that was incredible anxiety that i lived with every day

i wanted love so bad that i had to be in denial .

[drxap]

My ex played that same card over and over! She always made me feel guilty for "making her out to be the bad guy."

In my head my reply would always say "but you ARE the only one in this relationship who is cheating, lying, and saying nasty things to and about me."

I wanted to share my life someone and I put up with too much to cling to that.

[waver]

I kinda have summed it all down to just one thing:

BPD's simply take the 'fun' out of life.

You can take your whole list of crap and condense it down to the above statement.

I know this is not my board... .

I have my own list too, quite long.

But do you really think their life is just FUN?

[corraline]

My ex when drunk got quite dark and down at times

He though this world was false uncaring selfish and full of wounded people walking around in a trance

He was in conflict with people alot too when they were in devalue stage

He was hypervigilent and "sensing " or " reading " people with his keen radar.

He sometimes was so needy for attention and acting impulsively he made himself look like a fool

No... . i cant imagine life like this is fun

It looked painful and uncomfortable to me

[Aussie0zborn]

All of the above and more, but one that really irked me was smashing my windscreen and not paying for it - $900 and she tried to smash it again a couple of years later but failed.

[Split black]

Manipulating

pathological never-ending lying

cheating

Triangulation

using

Paid security and down payment ( 2800) for her new apt, as well as supplementing most months because she never paid rent... . only to find out she never left ex and had multiple exes visit her.

abusive

Used sex as a negotiating tool after a while. ( You only want sex, you wont just help me... crazy!)

Push/pull

actress extraordinaire

flaking

unreliable

alcoholic

coke addict

pill addict

Lost 3 jobs due to some drama or another.

Two false pregnancies that she aborted and wouldn't allow me to share or drive her. ( Now I know even if real might not be mine)

Blackmailed me twice for money, then claiming it was because shes an addicted.

She FB my son, friend-ed him... . and invited him to her apt to paint numerous times ( no sex thank god) because she was lonely. He didnt know I was seeing anyone. Im 50++ he is 24. I had to tell him about her. He never spoke to her again. < im disgusted and embarrassed and ashamed writing this down>

Mean

evil

Takes no responsibility for her actions... . ever.

No empathy what so ever

Said she loved me so many many times only to say she never did and I disgusted her.

I can go on but i want to vomit in my own mouth at these crippling memories.

But when she was "normal" she confessed to many shortcomings... . and gave hidden warnings as to her behavior. Called herself evil, said she was a master manipulator.

3 Weeks not seeing her 5 days of NC after several failures. Im done. Im so done.

[itsnotme567]

I kinda have summed it all down to just one thing:

BPD's simply take the 'fun' out of life.

You can take your whole list of crap and condense it down to the above statement.

I know this is not my board... .

I have my own list too, quite long.

But do you really think their life is just FUN?

No i don't think their life is just fun acting happy may just be a cover for whats going on inside her.

[Stjarna]

Partial list:

Yelled and screamed at me all the way to our wedding in another state because he had forgotten the hotel his mother would be staying at and did not know how to contact her (he was under 21 and needed his mother's signature to get a marriage license).  This is the first time I wanted to bail, but I felt there was no way out and so endured, and I think this is where my walls around myself started their foundation.  I was 17, and pregnant, parents had banned me from my family home.  This was long enough ago that there was not as much social support for young mothers. 

I tried to leave once when my first daughter was 3, and he broke into my mother's house and took her would not tell me where she was and that I would never see her again if I didn't go back.

Broke several items of mine over the years, my Depression glass collection, many of my record albums, various household items including a new microwave (back in the day when they were a major purchase), a television.

Humiliated us in front of neighbors and family by constantly yelling and screaming.

If I made the wrong thing for dinner, something he didn't feel like eating that night, he would dump it out and force me to make something different, many times hurling entire serving dishes full of food across the kitchen, breaking them.

Threats, constant threats.

Yelling, constant yelling, humiliating, degrading, belittling.  Over the silliest things, over nothing.

These, exactly:

Kept me awake at nights, and then complained about always being tired

Hated me going to therapy and caused trouble when I did

Many, many more, so many.  I find it amazing that it took me so long to really detach from him.  I think that process is nearing completion.  Finally.

[drxap]

My BPD exgf never had a problem with me seeing counselors, but that was probably because it never empowered me.

I was in group therapy before I started couples counseling. My group hated what I was going through and I found myself trying to defend her most of the time. Its crazy how I justified things even when everything was so obvious to other people at the time. I was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong in the r/s and nobody could tell me.

Couples counseling was never productive and only gave her ways to control me much more easily than she ever had before.

[itsnotme567]

I tried to get my stbxuBPDw to go to counseling she said no. I asked if she thought it would help if I went by my self she said I could try but i didn't need to since shes been telling me whats wrong with me all along.

[tinkerbell09]

I'm new here... and wow! Your list made the hairs on my neck stand up!

The cheating... the "you're abusing me, I'm only taking up for myself"... the unending drama and chaos. The lying... god, the lying! The feelings of "Am I crazy?... is it in MY head?" The relentless need to have attention from any female that would give it... and then compare me to them, saying they "gave" him more then I did.

The "suicide attempts"... . the trouble with friends.

I'm new here... but like I said... . WOW... . your list could easily be my list.

[ScotisGone74]

Lol-    her telling me that "if you d just marry me I wouldn't be this way".  Or "if you d just get me pregnant I wouldn't act like this".   Sheesh the sick part is she did some 'volunteer work' a couple  hours every month or two so she could appear more normal and would tellme to start an argument that 'I told this fat old lady today at the free clinic what a lardass she is and how she needs to stop eating immediately'. Then she would say "I've been doing volunteer work to help people that's more than you ve ever done".    My response 'I work full time raise my kid and take care of you'.   

In addition there were more 'emergencies' than I can count that always required my immediate attention.    Numerous ghost illnesses or medical problems.    A fake pregnancy.    Constantly running her family and any 'friends' into the ground.    No ability to be happy in her own skin without flirting around with men.       And this all had me worn the heck out after 2.5 years.     Honestly can not begin to imagine any longer than that.     

Tell me again what was soon appealing about these people?

[Tolou]

Good Way to vent!

Knocked on my door- when I opened threw a bottle in my face (she took half the bottle and overdosed) because I said we should see eachother a little less, I was about to start school (mind you we saw eachother at work every day!)

multiple attmepts and threats of suicide, all wouldn't have happened IF I really loved her.

borrowed money for to repair her home, a few weeks later goes on a shopping spree at Macy's, never retuned a dime.

Paitned me black at work, I was a horror, mean ass- and she was the victim -What the heck, couldnt have tried to be any more understanding.

Called me so much after I tried to go NC, changed my number.

Lied about having CANCER-What the heck who does that?

said I said things that she said, while swearign I said them?

threw tantrums, walked into ongoing traffic because I asked to leave my home after she came unwelcomed and unwanted, I could add some more stuff... .

WOW... . what did I get myself into with that one?

[Surnia]

WOW... . what did I get myself into with that one?

Good question! 

Another view on it could be: What exactly brought you clarity or awareness about your own values?

For example in my case: I don't want to be with someone with drug problems. 

[itsnotme567]

I course I've been accepting some behavior i should not of like the lying. I knew she lied from the start but believed her when she told me she would never lie to me. The way she lies to her son and daughter its no wonder she thinks everything i tell her is a lie.

[Tolou]

Surnia... .

True, for me Ijust didn't want to be w/.someone who I didn't feel I could trust.  Sure I can take of someone when they need me to, but I have my needs to.

[Phoenix.Rising]

For example in my case: I don't want to be with someone with drug problems. 

I don't want to be with someone who is an active alcoholic.

[losingconfidence]

I like this thread.

Here's mine for my ex. Her diagnoses was BPD but I sometimes wonder if she was a narcissist or maybe antisocial.

- Cyber-stalked me for at least four months before befriending me online in order to memorize my likes and

  dislikes so she could present herself as my long-lost soul mate.

- Impersonated a grieving mother's missing daughter for the sake of gaining that woman's trust and sympathy so

  she could spy on that woman for her abusive mother and control her.

- Refused to show me a picture while we were online-dating while requesting one from me.

- Told me she was in a seriously abusive situation then would just disappear for several days because she didn't

  feel like talking or was busy without even a text to let me know she wasn't dead.

- Put everyone else before me.

- Lied about significant experiences of trauma in her past.

- Ripped me apart for not being Christian and having trouble with religion.

- Insisted on talking about "spirituality" and then would get angry with me any time I said "well I don't really

  believe X because Y" because supposedly I was "refuting" her beliefs which was unacceptable.

- Was friends with a girl who abused others.

- Was friends with and enabled a lot of abusive and mean-spirited people who were doing cruel and horrible

  things to others.

- Peed all over my floor.

- Peed in my bed.

- Had some kind of a urinary disorder she refused to go to a doctor for, then judged me when I didn't run to the

  doctor every time I ran a low fever.

- Would actively try to drive other people to suicide.

- Accused ME of being borderline when I told her that her behavior was triggering memories of my BPD mother.

- Judged me for not going NC with my parents while staying in contact with both her parents after telling me

  they both sexually molested her.

- Went on these moral holier-than-thou rants about how she forgave everyone who ever abused her.

- Kept going on about how she was farther along in her healing than I was.

- Self-harmed to manipulate others.

- Used self-injury as an excuse to drop out of high school and then would be livid when people refused to see

  her once a week therapy as EQUAL to a high school education in terms of time-commitment.

- Actively encouraged me to commit social security fraud.

- Collected disability checks claiming she was "too mentally ill" to work (bs) and insisted that calling their office

  ONCE PER MONTH was as stressful and difficult for her as a full-time job was for a normal person.

- Decided she would never work until she "felt like it" because the government and I should take care of her.

- Referred to the house that I put a lot of effort into finding for us that she approved of initially as a "hit hole."

- Continually used disgusting language like "kiss my white ass."

- Wrote out these terrifying manifestos of how various people deserved to die slow, torturous deaths.

- Never washed her hands after using the bathroom.

- Told me I didn't deserve to be alive.

- Told me I was depressed and would probably kill myself.

- Enabled and helped someone who actually, seriously wanted to kill me.

- Falsely told numerous people I abused and/or raped her.

- Raped me.

- Raped my headmates (I have DID).

- Bruised me and physically abused me.

- Emotionally abused me.

- Made me submit to these multiple hour long lectures about what a horrible person I was where I had to just

  numbly agree with her or she wouldn't let me leave.

- Essentially held me captive in my own home.

- Was CONSTANTLY panicking and refusing to do anything to control her panic attacks.

- Was constantly either refusing to take her medication or popping pills and blaming me for it.

- Accused numerous innocent people of raping her while defending people who actually were rapists.

- Would tell people lies about me to prevent them from befriending me.

- Lied about who she was, pretending to be someone I loved and lost a long time ago.

- Stole my book.

- Hid her tracks so I had zero validation for many things.

- Convinced my best friend that I was the problem for a long while.

- Put pubic hair in my mouth in my sleep so I woke up choking on bits of it then claimed evil magic caused it.

- Insisted that my friend was possessed by a malevolent demon and that I had to exorcise said friend.

- Demanded that I submit to an exorcism and verbally abused me for not "helping" her exorcise me.

- Pretended NOT to be looking for sex so I would be with her, then raped me.

- Never washed her hands after using the bathroom.

- Would touch shared serving spoons with hands she NEVER washed, ever.

- Blamed my OCD when I didn't want to eat from bags of candy/chips that she had eaten from when she NEVER

  WASHED HER HANDS, ever.

- Left garbage everywhere. Everywhere.

- Continually wasted money by opening sodas and drinking two sips and just leaving mostly full cans everywhere.

- Lied about how much she could financially contribute to our living situation.

- Lied about her religious beliefs.

- Lied about loving me.

- Lied about being okay with who I was.

- Lied about having a high school diploma.

- Lied about having completed a few college courses.

- Told me she had murdered people and didn't love me because I was too weak to kill someone myself.

- Expected me to tell her how beautiful and breathtaking she was despite taking no care of her appearance.

- Would make up these random dances and insist that I believe she used to be an accomplished ballerina even

  though I know ballet well enough to know it was all made-up.

- Faked speaking multiple languages she doesn't actually speak.

- Invited her mother to our house FOR A WEEK without my permission.

- Froze me out emotionally without giving me a reason.

- Made me cook all her meals.

- Was controlling about food and made it difficult for me to eat anything.

- Judged me for having a job when I ought to just become a welfare cheat so I could spend more time with her.

- Tried to force our other roommate to provide for all of us.

- Was such a liar.

- Was IN THERAPY but STILL THIS BAD.

- Used therapy techniques to get even better at manipulating others.

- Manipulates survivors of sexual trauma who are vulnerable into being her friends and lovers.

- Probably cheated on me a lot.

- Would bring up my rapist while we were spending time together that was supposed to be romantic, asking me

  to compare her to my rapist in terms of who was prettier.

- Encouraged me not to fight back when I was in danger.

- Alienated me from my best friend.

- Tried to convince my friend and me that every aspect of our personalities was wrong and that we were

  brainwashed/lied to and knew nothing about ourselves and that she was the only person we could trust.

- Turned everyone against each other then got mad when people relied on her too much.

- Continued to say cruel things about me on the internet for MONTHS after we broke up and probably still would

   if she ever had reason to believe I'd see it.

- Blamed me for my abuse.

- Kept insisting that her trauma was worse than everyone else's.

Yeah I'll stop there for now.

[dansure]

- Lied to me about previous relationships. Told me I am her first boyfriend, had kissing pictures with another guy on her phone.

- Flirted with someone else why staying with me at my exchange destination.

- Refused to be in a relationship on Facebook

- Constantly passiv-aggressive / released her stress on me

- Insulted me and left me on the street during a trip to another city

- Broke up with me over every minor fight and started flirting with other guys in our break up periods

- Withdrew affection and sex

- Yelled at me on the street and left me again standing there

- Spilled shampoo and food over my carpet when she came home with take away food and I already ate

- Criticized me for everything. I ate too loud in her opinion for example

- Told me constantly how she doesn't have anyone in her life except for her mum

- Never genuinely apologized for anything

[Split black]

She broke up with me numerous times showing zero empathy.  Her emotional expression looked like she was telling me that she just finished doing her laundry.  I felt like I didn't exist every time.  Awful.  I will never forget that.  It would almost always catch me off guard, too.  But I started to realize that it would happen shortly after we had a very intimate time together.  And I continued to go back to her over and over.  I have not spoken to her now in almost 2 years.

Did she try to contact you during this time. Was NC your idea?  I want to vomit in my own mouth at the thought of mine with other men. And I want to bash my head into a wall at the thought of this behavior that I accepted. ugh.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Did she try to contact you during this time. Was NC your idea?  I want to vomit in my own mouth at the thought of mine with other men. And I want to bash my head into a wall at the thought of this behavior that I accepted. ugh.

Split black,

During the past 2 years?  She has not tried to contact me that I am aware of.  The last time we spoke on the phone I requested that she not contact me, and I told her that I needed some space.  We had both made similar requests previously.  She ended the relationship several times only to come back, and I ended the relationship a couple of times.  This last time really ended it, and I have since found out that she is married again.  I was really not that surprised.  I pretty much expected it. 

It does not bother me much now to think of her with someone else.  I have let go of a LOT of the hurt and I've accepted that we are not good for each other.  I understand the feeling you express, and I'm sorry you are hurting.  All I can say is that it does slowly get better.  But you have to be willing to do some work on yourself.  Hang in there.   

[corraline]

I don't know for sure if my ex had BPD.

altho as i have mentioned before he wanted to tell me something about him self and was afraid i would go into fear myself and chose not to say anything more.

the following are a few of the things i experienced. keep in mind my ex had a professional back ground in counseling and was in his early 60's  with alot of tools to try to self regulate and on the other hand hide.

Cheating, admitted to always cheating on previous women.

He was constantly on dating sites.

He was  needy for attention especially around attractive women. (admitted this too)

He had impulsive behaviors and acted them out by humiliating me in public or making a public display of attention in grocery stores or banks.

He was inappropriate around children with his language

He felt the world was dangerous and often tried to show me this (watch out for the vampires)

Most people he was in relationship with were either initially the greatest and usually ended up the worst if things did not go well for him

He was in conflict with people often

Had a hard time letting go if there was conflict and would always try to re connect later with them

Tried to show me that i was naive and that other people in my life were not good for me and i should stay away from them. (even my teenage daughter)

Felt that most women were not to be trusted and that i was the "rare" one

Had core wound issues from his mother. Idealized his father.

He broke up with me continually and always worked his way back in with the same tactics

He would be very sensitive to any slight and would go away for days to "take care of himself" (withdraw, silent treatment)

Said he had issues with feeling engulfed or abandoned

He would rage at me calling me alot of abusive things.

He would build me up telling me i was the one he loved the most , trusted the most, everything the most. etc.

Cold , selfish at times

Warm, loving at times

Very controlling

Extremely arrogant

His words rarely matched his actions

Projected alot

He had a history of this kind of drama in his previous relationships (a close friend who knew him for the last 25 years finally told me)


Compulsive lying even about the silliest things

Alcohol abuse

Projecting

Manipulating

Cruelty

Sexually inappropriate and derogatory behavior

I know this is the short list and this is my experience but... .

Anyone care to share if they think i might be on track about BPD?

[Sunny Side]

Anyone care to share if they think i might be on track about BPD?

corraline, my uBPDexgf had many of those traits you listed and many that she did not (at least presenting to me).  It's hard, I think being still so close to the r/s (almost 2 weeks out for me after 14 mos), to have a firm grip on what was real vs. not real, you vs. them, etc.  And I had to ask myself many times what my reasons were for wanting to pin a d/x on her.  That said, I'm 99.9% positive she was/is, though I can't say where she lies on the spectrum.  Many things at the extreme dysregulated end that I have read about I just did not experience with her.  You might ask yourself how many of you BPD's behaviors presented themselves consistently over a period of time during your r/s, as well as what your he may have shared with you about his childhood and r/s experiences in his adulthood.

I do know that early on (1-3 mos) I felt bombarded by so many bizarre behaviors that I just didn't know where to start.  Early on she drank often when she was dysregulated so at first I thought she was an alcoholic (as is her mother).  Then I thought perhaps bipolar, then histrionic.  What finally made sense with BPD was that her behaviors were so specifically in line with all the BPD criteria and with what she shared with me about her FOO experiences and intimate r/s's. 

[corraline]

sunnyside

thanks for your response.  most of the issues i posted were throughout the whole time we were together. Some things got worse near the end. His behavior became bizarre and out of control when mixed with alcohol .   The rage, the splitting and the alcohol issue became more apparent.  I started to feel very unsafe, altho i did not feel emotionally safe throughout.

[AwakenedOne]

Many unacceptable behaviors, but I'll just talk about this one ->

Regarding my career path and income of that career it wasn't good enough for her.

She complained to me that I needed to be the CEO of a large corporation "because most men in the world try to be that". I was told I needed to start pursuing this (I guess she wanted a lot of money). That was some Fantasy Land thinking. I ignored her, should of just left though.

[Vatz]

Yeah I'll stop there for now.

There's more? That's absolutely frightening. Also I noticed some components of antisocial personality disorder, scary stuff.

[day2day]

Blissful, your list is all too familiar. It's almost as though they've been cloned.

[Split black]

Did she try to contact you during this time. Was NC your idea?  I want to vomit in my own mouth at the thought of mine with other men. And I want to bash my head into a wall at the thought of this behavior that I accepted. ugh.

Split black,

  All I can say is that it does slowly get better.  But you have to be willing to do some work on yourself.  Hang in there.   

Thanks man... . Ive been reduced to therapy. Ive been going... . trying to get a grip. This does suck though. Who needs to ever have to feel this way? Im not sure who Im more angry at... . her or myself for allowing her to dig those hooks into me for a year. So stupid.  Im invisible to her... . Ive been hurt before, and Ive left relationships as well... . but being emotionally violated on such a hateful level... . for NO SANE REASON. Is what it is. 

[shatteredheart]

... . Ive been hurt before, and Ive left relationships as well... . but being emotionally violated on such a hateful level... . for NO SANE REASON. Is what it is. 

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! 100% The level of cruelty, and hurtfulness was off the chain... .

It's unbelievable really!