I think I'm ready

[crookedeuphoria]

“Even when we had our differences I always had complete faith in our love of each other. It felt like it would never end.”

I don’t know when it changed. I don’t remember when I stopped having faith in him. I just know that one day I had it and the next it was gone. I think it was maybe because I was SO angry now myself, I was SO hurt and I kept expecting him to help me, make me feel better, SHOW me that this had all been real and mutual and that he CARED that I was so hurt. I kept waiting for that, needing it, give me what I gave you goddammit! But it never came. It kept being about him, and how now I was hurting him. There was never any responsibility despite the words he would say. There was never any CARE. He just wanted me to be better (through no effort on his part) so that I could keep making him feel better.

I repeatedly said to him, at the end “yeah, walk away from the mess YOU made” and he would walk away. He would come back but only so that I would again make him feel better. It was never about me. It was NEVER about me. Yeah, I was the coolest, hottest, funniest, etc etc but only as it related to HIM. Never, ever when I needed him, never when I was the mess. Because how could I give him what he needed when I was being so selfish trying to figure out what it was I needed? When I was such a mess, I couldn’t be there for him and in turn, he couldn’t be there for me, because that me, the messy me, was not who he loved.

[cosmonaut]

That's a very hard realization to come to grips with - that maybe our pwBPD don't really love us in the way that we always hoped they did and the way we loved them.   It can be very traumatizing to find just how shallow their love can really be.   I'm sorry that you have had to endure this awful experience.  I know it's hell on earth.  It sounds like you've done some deep reflecting on your relationship, however, and are unearthing some deep truths.  That's something to be very proud for accomplishing!   

[crookedeuphoria]

I just don't have a choice anymore. It's me or him. I can't stop crying and I am so sad and I miss him so much but I know I have to pick me. I have no choice.

[cosmonaut]

Oh, CE!     I'm so sorry you are feeling such pain.   :'(  The emotion can be overwhelming at times, can't it?  I miss my ex, too.  Terribly.  It hurts so much.  :'(  I  also don't have any choice except to accept things as they are.  I too once had faith that the love I shared with my ex would be able to overcome anything.  That all of her innumerable issues could be conquered with love.  In the end, love wasn't enough at all.  She left me for no reason she could explain.  She just left.  After several months with no contact, I reached out.  She responded only to say never to contact her ever again.  I was gutted.  How could someone who said that they would love me forever, that I was the man of their dreams, that I was their soulmate do something like that?  How is that even possible?  The truth is that love to her is a very different reality than it is to the rest of us.  BPD is a devastating disorder.  It sows sorrow and suffering everywhere it goes.  I'm so sorry to hear that it has wounded you too.   :'(

If it helps you know you are not alone, you aren't alone.  We're here if you want to talk about anything. 

[BadKitty]

I am feeling your pain right now. I am crying with you. I am in the same situation. I just got through listening to how much of a horrible, selfish, mental person I am, when it's not me, it's him! I was told I never loved him, I never cared about him. I was told he has never loved me either. I was compared to all of his ex's and I am the worst one of all. He has never had such a difficult relationship. I have done everything to help him and care for him and I get told to just leave and get out of his life and never come back. I feel your hurt. I am hurt too. I am so hurt right now I don't know how to deal with it. I am so sorry you are hurting. I think I am ready too. I think this is the end.

[crookedeuphoria]

Oh BadKitty, yes! He told me I preyed on him, manipulated him, that I am angry and bitter, etc, etc. And I am so tired of defending myself against the onslaught of viciousness. Then he says how much he loves me, how I am his dream come true, his best friend, again etc etc. And he has no clue why I am so upset.

We have been together for two years. These things started almost immediately but I excused all of it, thinking it would get better. I never want to hear the words "just give me one more chance" ever again. I gave him one more chance a hundred chances ago. We have recycled a hundred times. Walking away is my ONLY option because it will NEVER get better. Today is day 4 of no contact. He was texting two days ago but has stopped now. I can only hope that I'm strong enough not to reach out to him or not answer if he reaches out to me. This crazy cycle that has become my life has to stop. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. And the guilt, god the guilt, I feel. Why do I feel guilty? All I did was love him.

[going places]

I 'thought' I was ready last year.

Filed, started purging the house, put stuff in storage, put the house up for sale... .

And then wham.

Sign comes out of the yard, divorce papers torn up... .

AND RIGHT BACK in the fire I jumped.

I wasn't ready.

I was SO hard on myself... . for being so weak, for being so needy, for being so lame.

It was a long hard winter.

Now, I am ready.

I have NO delusions of grandeur. There is NO love for him anymore, it's just 'financial security'.

There is NO hope. There is NO let's try again. There is no anger, rage, or vengeance. There is nothing.

I cannot waste any more of my life on this stupidity, and more so, I cannot spend any more time in this relationship 'role modeling' for my adult children that it's "OK to be abused, or worse, it's OK to abuse people you claim to love".

It's sick, and I am done.

It has taken me from Aug 2011 until now, to get to this point.

At my lowest (unofficially diagnosed with PTSD and depression) I contemplated exiting this world.

That is unacceptable.

I will find a new home for the kids and I, and will be a home that is reigned and ruled by Christ, a place of REAL love, happiness, laughter, joy. A safe place where you can peel off the world and it's ugliness at the door, and come inside and know it's a place where you can relax, and recharge for the next day.

A place where honesty, integrity, and open communication happens.

It's going to be wonderful. Of this, I am sure!

[heartandwhole]

crookedeuphoria,

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now.  I can relate very much to what you have written.  I think a lot of us here gave and gave and gave, hoping for reciprocity from our partners.  That's how relationships work, right?  Many of us have tied "doing" for the other to being loved by him/her.  As long as we are there for our partner 100%, surely, at some point, they will be there for us... .

Well, not necessarily.  And that realization is very painful. 

I have connected this pattern to my family dynamics growing up.  Maybe you can remember something similar in your FOO, crooked?

Be gentle with yourself, these feelings will eventually move and pass.  In the meantime, treat yourself with lots of tenderness.  We're here for you.

[crookedeuphoria]

Thank you heartandwhole. It helps knowing I am not alone.

My FOO was not the best and I have had NC with my mom for almost 12 years. I honestly thought I had come to terms with my life but clearly, somewhere, some stuff still lurks. I am a saver. One of the very first things he said to me when we started our r/s was something about how I "save wounded animals". That has always stuck with me. And it's true. I'm like the statue of liberty,

“Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:

I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

Ugh. I can't even save me.

[BadKitty]

I wish I had the strength that you guys do to move on. I want to so badly because I know it will never change. I just don't think I have the strength. I need to dig deep down and find it. I know when he acts like nothing has ever happened and begins to act loving again, I will cave. How do I find the strength I need to move on? How can you when you love someone so much? How can you love someone who treats you this way?

[crookedeuphoria]

Oh god, BadKitty, I am not strong. I am sitting here, reading here, drinking beer with my phone beside me, being completely non productive even though there are a million things I should be doing. Everytime I get up to leave the room, my phone comes with me. I have this CRAVE and this hollow, empty feeling inside of me and it is taking everything I have not to contact him. I think the only thing stopping me is my fear of his response because I honestly couldn't stand it if he told me he never wanted to talk to me again.

I don't know how we can love someone so much who has treated us in these ways. I don't know. I do love him though, I love him so much and I miss him and I know it is sick, sick, sick.Together we are sick, not just him, me too. Our relationship is twisted and toxic, we are poison to one another. And yet. And yet at the same time, we are the brightest sun and rainbows and unicorns. It is SICK.

[BadKitty]

I am sitting in my car, in a park because even though I want to see him and hug him and kiss him, am afraid of him coming home. I asked him to stay away for the weekend but he said he would be back today. I want to see him yet I am sitting here, terrified of having to see him. It is such a beautiful day here and I too, am doing nothing. You are correct, I AM SICK. This love is sick. ((HUGS))

[crookedeuphoria]

((HUGS)) to you too. "I want to see him yet I am sitting here, terrified of having to see him". Yes. THAT.

[BadKitty]

I just got a text. He is coming home. I am terrified. I need strength. Oh Lord, please help me!

 :'(

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh god, BadKitty, I am not strong. I am sitting here, reading here, drinking beer with my phone beside me, being completely non productive even though there are a million things I should be doing. Everytime I get up to leave the room, my phone comes with me. I have this CRAVE and this hollow, empty feeling inside of me and it is taking everything I have not to contact him. I think the only thing stopping me is my fear of his response because I honestly couldn't stand it if he told me he never wanted to talk to me again.

I don't know how we can love someone so much who has treated us in these ways. I don't know. I do love him though, I love him so much and I miss him and I know it is sick, sick, sick.Together we are sick, not just him, me too. Our relationship is twisted and toxic, we are poison to one another. And yet. And yet at the same time, we are the brightest sun and rainbows and unicorns. It is SICK.

Crooked I am feeling exactly as you are right now.  Exactly.  Down to the only thing that's keeping me from contacting him is my fear he'll tell me he never wants to talk to me again.

[crookedeuphoria]

Baditty, sending you more hugs and STRENGTH and positive thoughts and good vibes.

Emelie, I almost hope he never wants to talk to me again because that would take the choice out of my hands. And when I think that, the panic sets in. Round and round and round we go.