My BPDex keeps blocking me and unblocking me on social media

[bungenstein]

Any idea why?

I'm not in communication with her, she blocked me, unblocked me, liked some pictures, removed her likes, I liked hers, blocked me again, unblocked me, then blocked me again, can anyone explain whats going on in her head?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I have the same question myself... I actually blocked him though... but we talked after that and that I (discussing in what I thought

was a civil manner) needed to let go. I unblocked him b/c I felt it unnecessary... when I looked at one of our old messages

I saw he had blocked me.

I didn't understand it, because he was the one who broke my heart. I wanted him! He didn't want me! He was the brutal

one and did some horrific things in the relationship!

BPD's and their blocking really confuses me!

[Dutched]

Please stop wondering, at least for now     (others are more experienced in giving good advice about your questions of WHY)

Gain control with that FB thing. Block them. Seems on FB you can’t block one when you are blocked by that other already, so if unblocked… BAM!... .  block and you are in control.

Why, do it for your healing (yes hurts like hell)

In one of my earlier post I wrote:

I blocked her immediately after she left.  Must admit that there was e-mail contact because of matters to be solved and involving my kids.

I am using FB only for staying in contact with family. As you can imagine after a long r/s, exBPDw had some o mine family members as friend too.

In order to protect myself I took several precautions (as hard as it may seems to FB-friends)

General:

= I blocked my visibility, my postings and visibility of my friends for others

= can’t be found by Google, etc.

= blocked all her family members (which were no friends)  just as precaution

= blocked several persons in our community and her social circle, of whom I knew they could have contact with her (also as precaution)

Specific:

I composed and posted a text on my page in which I made very clear:

= that I needed to protect myself therefore my reactions were limited as from now on.

= that I respected their choice to remain in contact with ex (because of all these years)

= would very appreciate it not to post any pictures as from now on with me on it.

Family/friends phoned me telling me to understand and respect my request.

“just” to protect yourself. As of now it is about you    

[bungenstein]

Thanks Dutch,

I'm fine, I'm happy for her, I hold no resentment, and I feel sorry for she has this terrible affliction, I hold no bad feelings.

I'm just wondering what the psychology is behind her blocking and unblocking and blocking and unblocking, when I'm not actually doing anything.

[Confused?]

After being replaced a month ago and split black my exBPDgf did the same thing. The first week she defriended me. Then two weeks in she put single on her status since she was trying to fix herself. Then a week later she added me on Facebook when she tried to get back with me. Then saw her and my replacement together then she blocked me. A couple days ago I went to block her and it said the name didn't exist. Used an alternate spelling of her name and boom there she was. I think the blocking and unblocking might be due to how they are feeling. If she thinks of you she will probably unblock you so she can check up on you. The blocking is to his what she is doing because she knows it's wrong.

[Fool for Love]

I'm just wondering what the psychology is behind her blocking and unblocking and blocking and unblocking, when I'm not actually doing anything.

Here is one for you did anything she do in the relationship make sense ? Next time just block her ... . and be done

[TitaniumPhoebe]

My uBPDxh blocked me and then I realized he unblocked me when he started posting on my friend's page who came with me for protection when I left. My ex was doing childish crap like calling him fat when my friend was posting he had chest pains. He knows my friend and knows he's gay so no jealousy issues but was just being an antagonistic jerk. I screen captured it all and then blocked him myself. I would recommend to block your ex if you are unblocked and dont look back.

[coolioqq]

I think this may be a way to provoke you into responding. Are you LC or NC?

I haven't blocked my dBPDexgf (with whom I broke up) anywhere. I simply do not respond. Of course, this may not be for everyone. It requires a great deal of self-control. But it communicated to her that I am in full self-control and unquestionably set my boundaries. Blocking her would only mean that I cannot resist contacting her otherwise. Now, everyone is different, so if you simply cannot help but contact them without blocking them (it's entirely understandable), then you likely are doing the right think - block her.

If she indeed has BPD then trying to find a rational explanation for her blocking/unblocking is futile. It's probably push/pull or attract/repel tactics in her mind at work... . Or it may be attention seeking... . Or a way to communicate her boundaries... . You know her better than us though.

[willy45]

Block her.

[Trent]

I think this may be a way to provoke you into responding

I agree.  My ex did something similar.  During one of our breakups (about 2 weeks NC), she signed up to the online dating site I was on, added me as a favorite (which sends a notification), and sent me a simple message that said "you need to change your headline" or something similar.  I could just laugh... . I knew this was her way of trying to get back together.  So in response, I texted her and said "can I come over tonight at 7", she responded with a "yes " and we were back together again.  After the last break up, she tried to add me on Linked In within a week, which I ignored.

With regards to ignoring contact attempts, I know I'm not as strong as coolioqq is, considering my history with my ex.  I had to block her phone calls & texts.  I don't want to get sucked back in again.  Now I'm one month and 3 days NC... . every day it seems to get a little easier... . woot!

[bungenstein]

I think this may be a way to provoke you into responding. Are you LC or NC?

I haven't blocked my dBPDexgf (with whom I broke up) anywhere. I simply do not respond. Of course, this may not be for everyone. It requires a great deal of self-control. But it communicated to her that I am in full self-control and unquestionably set my boundaries. Blocking her would only mean that I cannot resist contacting her otherwise. Now, everyone is different, so if you simply cannot help but contact them without blocking them (it's entirely understandable), then you likely are doing the right think - block her.

If she indeed has BPD then trying to find a rational explanation for her blocking/unblocking is futile. It's probably push/pull or attract/repel tactics in her mind at work... . Or it may be attention seeking... . Or a way to communicate her boundaries... . You know her better than us though.

Exactly, I don't want to block her because i don't want to get sucked into behaving like her, I never behaved like her the entire relationship, and the only time I lost it briefly for a couple of days and started acting the way she does was after I dumped her and she got a rebound and started shoving it down my throat. That's the only time I lost my cool and wasn't myself and I was ashamed by it, I felt pathetic, but I also felt, wow, this must be how she feels all the time, its horrendous, so I started to empathise more with her.

Also I want to communicate to her that I'm cool and happy for her new relationship, and that I hold no bad feelings. Even though the last communication I've had from her was relentless and cutting abuse, I responded cool and calmly, and did not retaliate, wishing her well. They have been going 3 1/2 months now, only a few days ago she downloading a picture of me onto her phone from my website (I get the stats), she hasn't tried communicating with me for about 2 months, I just don't get all this block unblock, like unlike, behaviour, I'm not doing anything to her, I've been an adult, wished her happiness in her relationship, and showed that there is no hard feelings from me at all.

[Narellan]

My ex deleted me and traded me 3 times in 4 months. More fool me. After our final split 5 weeks ago he left me as a friend and began publicly showing me he was moving on, flirting with numerous people and posting several times a day how great his life is and how's he's never been happier. 2 weeks after the split and NC he posted 2 fairly special intimate photos of us kissing on holidays a few weeks prior. I ignored. A week later he posted a nude if me ( tasteful) , so I was forced to contact him to remove it. I was too scared to block him then in case he got annoyed and posted more of me. After a couple of weeks of him being quiet I decided to deactivate my FB account, at least for the time being. It feels good because I'm not constantly checking what photos he's posting and because he now knows I'm not looking he won't be trying to post stuff to get a reaction from me. So things have quiet ended down. I asked 1 mutual friend to let me know if he posts anything of me. So far so good. I feel like I've taken away his power over me and got out of his sick attention seeking game.

[lipstick]

Hi bungenstein,

I'm sorry you're experiencing the illogical BPD behavior. I can't give you specific answers as to why your ex is behaving this way - I can only share my own experience with the FB weirdness.

I was dumped by my exBPDbf in October of 2012. Two days before my birthday, he moved out while I was at work. Then proceeded to give me the Silent Treatment (ignoring FB msgs, emails, texts, etc... ) from that point forward. I "Unfriended" him immediately on FB as I did not wish to see any future postings from him. I did not block him at that time as I was still wishing for contact, an explanation, anything to show that I mattered. Plus I wanted to still be able to "check up on him" due to my own abandonment issues.

Fast-forward to December of 2013. He begins "Following" me on FB. I was a little shocked - but I chose to ignore him.  After two weeks - then I received a Friend Request from him. Now - this was over a YEAR since he walked out on me. And I get a Friend Request. With no explanation, no "Hello, how are you?". Absolutely NOTHING. So I chose to ignore him again. Well - apparently, that was a big no-no. He blocked me! Like I was the bad guy here. Seriously? What the heck?

So, being the good little co-dependent girl that I am - I sent him an email explaining why I could not accept his Friend Request. Of course, it was ignored. Then I sent him a couple of additional messages thru an alternate FB account of his. He read them and then immediately deactivated that account. Another virtual slap in the face for me. Nice, huh?

For me - that pretty much did away with any residual feelings that I had for him. It proved I was dealing with a very juvenile mind. I will say - starting on the day he blocked me - I started receiving "Restricted" calls to my cell phone. They would happen on his days off and usually around the time I would be arriving at work. I know a "Restricted" call is when someone is deliberately masking their phone number from caller i.d... This would be something he would do. The calls continued up until the beginning of this month. Now they have stopped. Maybe his wife busted him. Don't know. And - I never answered ANY of them.

As of today - I am still blocked on FB. However, I believe that I am still being "watched". My ex keeps really late hours and I would not be surprised if he reactivates his secondary account during the night to check out my FB page and see what I'm up to. Whatever. Mutual friends have told me that he posts nothing on his own page and hasn't since the December "blocking".  I know he's miserable - but it's not my problem to deal with.

Don't be surprised if your ex continues this behavior. The "push / pull". The majority of them don't do closure. They just put you on the back burner until the "need" for you arises. Take care of YOU !

[Narellan]

Well said lipstick. I took a lot from your post. My ex has deleted my phone number during each push then desperately calls my landline hundreds of times. I know this because I don't answer and then I check on my phone who the last unanswered call was. And it's his number. He rang a mutual friend last time to ask for my number, but couldn't wait an hour for her to reply so he turned up at my door. And that time we talked and ended up back together. I know the game now thanks to this board so I am we'll prepared for when he contacts me again. U haven't deleted his number from my iPhone but changed his contact details to " don't answer this prick" just a reminder if I ever feel weak when he makes his next move. The great thing about being on here is that now I can finally predict his behaviour.

[bungenstein]

I guess because they don't think like a non, they never really get over it, hence lack of closure, but they expect us to think the same, they obviously don't realise the more times goes by the more we heal, so they are setting themselves up for more pain down the line.

That would explain why 3 1/2 months shes doing all this blocking/unblocking stuff, downloading a pic of me to her phone, whilst in a new relationship. Surely if she was happy I wouldn't be on her mind, she's blocked me from seeing her stuff, but she can still see my stuff, but she's the one in a new relationship, not me, shouldn't it be ME blocking her since I am the single one, why is she so threatened by me?

[Tired_of_this12345]

My ex gf was always obsessed with Facebook.   Even though she was older and in her 40's,  she loved FB drama.  One if her first acts when we started dating was to make us facebook official.   I didn't even have a Facebook.  So I made one for her and we were put in a relationship on there. 

A few weeks later,  her ex bf showed up wanting to fight me.  He claimed that she added me as a relationship in response to him adding someone else.  Looking back,  I think that is what she did. 

So I became the mainstay on her FB page.   Tons of pictures and everything involved me.  As soon as we left the honeymoon stage,  she stopped adding pictures of me.   Then later she took me off of the profile pics.   Then she started adding satellite guys as friends.  Soon,  she would restrict me,  unrestrict,  and restrict again.  She would seldom lost anything, except if we were on a break,  she would post all over FB about the great times she was having.   It was all just a twisted game.  At the very end of our relationship,  she informed me that she would never add me as her boyfriend on FB again.   And I found that to be odd.  It was her who wanted that in the first place.

So we broke up,  and instead of dealing with her bs, I just blocked her and deleted all her friends and family.  I just want a clean break.   I don't want to take part in her FB games.   I think simply blocking her is the only way to take away her control.

[lipstick]

bungenstein,

If you ever have the opportunity - go back and read posts from the member "2010". Amazing insight into the misery that is BPD.  Also - there are several posters on here that have truly helped me to gain a better understanding into what makes our BPD exes "tick".  Murbay, FromHeeltoHeal, BPDSpell - just to name a few. When they chime in on your posts - read and learn.

I still struggle with what happened to me  - even now at 19 months out. Due to my own issues. I'm working on those issues. It's not easy. But the difference here is - my ex WON'T be working on his. He knows there is something wrong with him, yet he does zero about it. THAT I have a huge problem with. Continuing to leave destruction in your wake and just ignoring it.

I believe that my ex deals with a great deal of shame over his treatment of me. We've known each other since our teens. I'm now fifty. He is fifty one. I was in a very unhappy marriage when we reconnected two years ago. He is still in a very unhappy marriage. I won't go into details on all of that. Other than to say - he ran out on me to return to that dysfunctional union. His spouse is also BPD. She promised him that she would change and try harder if only he would come home. According to friends - absolutely nothing has changed and my ex is miserable. But it was his choice to go back. And break all of his promises to me in the process.

Yet I don't think he is able to let me go. His fear of rejection was realized when I ignored him on FB. Thus, in order to maintain a façade of control - he blocked me and ignored my messages. However, if I'm "painted black" and am now the Devil     why the weeks of anonymous phone calls? I believe when he allows himself to think about me - it does bother him. He is in a bitter, loveless union with a spouse that is completely dependent on him. But again - this is his choice. He chooses to stay. Yet also keep tabs on me. Makes no sense. And that is BPD.

Your ex may be dealing with her own shame over what happened. From all that I have read - it seems that we never truly leave their thoughts. How they deal with those thoughts, however - is what keeps us off balance. For myself - I will probably never forget what my ex did to me. But I'm choosing to use it now as a learning tool as to what is broken in me.  She is probably not done with you. I've been told mine certainly isn't done with me.  How will you deal with the next contact from her?   Take care of YOU! 

[bungenstein]

Hi Lipstick, thankyou for the insightful post.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this aswell, but it only makes us stronger people in the long run, I felt the most pain I had ever felt in my life, but now 4 months on I feel more adept, more confident and like I can face anything.

Well to give you a few more details, I indirectly ended the relationship by tricking her out of my house, she knew I had tricked her though, she tried to get back with me for the next month but its like my body had kicked into survival mode, I'd feel very anxious around her and everytime I saw her I couldn't wait to get away, it was like my body had taken over!

After I told her to leave me alone for the last time, that's when she got really abusive, and went on the rebound. She did contact me twice to try and meet up with me to 'talk about things', whilst seeing him, and I refused because it was totally out of order on both of us. She responded to my kind dismissal with more abuse. I then got more abuse when she found out I was using a dating app, (but shes allowed to date, but if I do, I deserve abuse... . )

I deleted her off facebook because she was tagging this new guy nearly everyday in some status, as soon as I deleted her, you guessed it, more abuse. And guess what? The tagging stopped.

Shes still with him, but how does blocking me on Instagram (which means I cannot see her posts, but she can see mine), achieve anything, its logical to think that she would want me to see her posts, so she can shove her rebound down my throat some more... . It was only 2 weeks ago she was liking my pictures on instagram! And now downloading a pic of me onto her phone, and then blocking, unblocking, blocking me again... . all the time l  shave not even tried to communicate with her at all. It seems so random I can't even assign to a BPD trait of I'm painted black, or she wants to hurt me, or she wants my attention, or anything!

If she does try and contact me again I think she already knows what I'm going to say, and its, I will help you into therapy, and that is all.

[coolioqq]

With regards to ignoring contact attempts, I know I'm not as strong as coolioqq is, considering my history with my ex.  I had to block her phone calls & texts.  I don't want to get sucked back in again.  Now I'm one month and 3 days NC... . every day it seems to get a little easier... . woot!

God knows how much it hurt me to remain "strong" and not engage. I still miss her. She has contacted me through every means she knew about, but gave up about some 20 days ago. I think I will never hear from her again. I would be lying to you if I told you it does not make me sad in a way, but that's the way it should be... .

Keep strong there, buddy!

[coolioqq]

Exactly, I don't want to block her because i don't want to get sucked into behaving like her, I never behaved like her the entire relationship, and the only time I lost it briefly for a couple of days and started acting the way she does was after I dumped her and she got a rebound and started shoving it down my throat. That's the only time I lost my cool and wasn't myself and I was ashamed by it, I felt pathetic, but I also felt, wow, this must be how she feels all the time, its horrendous, so I started to empathise more with her.

Also I want to communicate to her that I'm cool and happy for her new relationship, and that I hold no bad feelings. Even though the last communication I've had from her was relentless and cutting abuse, I responded cool and calmly, and did not retaliate, wishing her well. They have been going 3 1/2 months now, only a few days ago she downloading a picture of me onto her phone from my website (I get the stats), she hasn't tried communicating with me for about 2 months, I just don't get all this block unblock, like unlike, behaviour, I'm not doing anything to her, I've been an adult, wished her happiness in her relationship, and showed that there is no hard feelings from me at all.

[/b]

If she indeed has BPD then any emotional activity on her part will be that of a 3-4 year old. Which means that you can't expect adult behavior on her part. What I would do is remain NC. You said you handled it like an adult, and positioned yourself amicably in your last contact with her. I don't think you owe her anything else, so I would just stay NC and not respond to her childish behavior. It is most likely a provocation... .

[lipstick]

bungenstein,

Okay - so here are my thoughts on your ex. This is only my opinion - so take it for what it's worth. By you "tricking" her out of your house, perhaps you triggered her abandonment fears. It seems that fear, shame and anger are a BPD's primary emotions. She was desperately trying to avoid that abandonment.

The instagram thing sounds like a control issue. By blocking you on this - perhaps she's trying to goad you into contacting HER. In her mind - she may believe that it will make you desperate to know what she's doing / posting / sharing and that it will drive you to reach out to her.  

I'm impressed that you are doing so well at 4 months out.  I was still a hot mess at that point after I was discarded. Also - it sounds like you have a good boundary in place. This is important. If I had not found this site - I'm not sure what my reaction would have been when my ex tried to do the FB "Friend Request".  After reading everyone's experiences on here - it was a no-brainer. Ignore !  

I don't think my ex is going to contact me again. I could be wrong - but it's been five months now since I was blocked. Yes - he was calling me for weeks and leaving no message - but I had the nerve to not answer. He chooses to stay in a miserable, abusive situation. And has remained in it for twenty five years. He made a bunch of promises to me and kept none of them. I ignored the red flags. Lesson learned.

I hope you continue to keep your boundaries and heal. Don't let her back into your head, heart or home ! Her issues are not your problem. Take care.  L.

[myself]

Feeling out of control, a person may try to control whatever they can.

Black/White thinking can be like a switch that's being flipped.

You're in, you're out. You're blocked, you're not.

It's like seeing sparks from exposed wires.

[rougeetnoir]

It's a pretty low risk way to try to engage you, no?

It's a low risk way for us to engage them. It's a low risk way to engage period.

The ex wants to know you still care-- anger, frustration, anything-- means you still care. 

[coolioqq]

The ex wants to know you still care-- anger, frustration, anything-- means you still care. 

Exactly. They don't want to feel abandoned. Nothing else matters.

[2010]

can anyone explain whats going on in her head?

can anyone explain whats going on in my head?

After I told her to leave me alone for the last time, I deleted her off facebook

Seems reasonable. The relationship is over. She is with someone else now. Why change your mind and allow her an all access pass?

I'm fine, I'm happy for her, I hold no resentment, and I feel sorry for she has this terrible affliction, I hold no bad feelings.

You hold no bad and you want to communicate this to her by allowing her access?



tricking her out of my house, my body had kicked into survival mode, I'd feel very anxious around her and everytime I saw her I couldn't wait to get away,

Sounds like there may be some bad feelings from this.

I'm just wondering what the psychology is behind her blocking and unblocking and blocking and unblocking, when I'm not actually doing anything.[/b]

I'm just wondering what the psychology is, when I'm compulsively watching and looking for hidden messages.

I don't want to block her because i don't want to get sucked into behaving like her,

I don't want to block her because our entire relationship was a drama and I’m not ready to end it. I don't want to set boundary lines that cannot be crossed and I feel sorry that I have this terrible obsession and yearning and yet I pretend to hold no bad feelings. I want to keep the door open. I want to be seen as good.



I never behaved like her the entire relationship, she found out I was using a dating app, (but shes allowed to date, but if I do, I deserve abuse... . )

Sounds like you tried some retaliation? Would it be acceptable to say that you two had no trust at all with each other?

Also I want to communicate to her that I'm cool and happy for her new relationship, and that I hold no bad feelings.

The door is open and I hold no bad.



Even though the last communication I've had from her was relentless and cutting abuse, I responded cool and calmly, and did not retaliate, wishing her well.

I said goodbye but I still check on her every day.

They have been going 3 1/2 months now, only a few days ago she downloading a picture of me onto her phone from my website (I get the stats), she hasn't tried communicating with me for about 2 months, I just don't get all this block unblock, like unlike, behaviour, I'm not doing anything to her,

I’m not doing anything but keeping stats. Watching, waiting.

I've been an adult, wished her happiness in her relationship, and showed that there is no hard feelings from me at all.

Even though I “tricked” her out of the house I communicate an open door policy. I see no reason to put a boundary (barrier) in place to prevent her return. My door is always open even though she makes me anxious and every time I see her I can’t wait to get away.

I guess because they don't think like a non, they never really get over it, hence lack of closure, but they expect us to think the same, they obviously don't realise the more times goes by the more we heal, so they are setting themselves up for more pain down the line.

I guess because I don’t think like her, I will never really get over it, hence lack of closure, but I expect her to think the same, I obviously don't realize the more time goes by the more she’ll move on, so I am setting myself up for more pain down the line as I keep the door always open to her and continue my obsessive watching and waiting while she is involved with someone else. In fact, it is keeping me on pins and needles as I wait.

That would explain why 3 1/2 months she's doing all this blocking/unblocking stuff, downloading a pic of me to her phone, whilst in a new relationship. Surely if she was happy I wouldn't be on her mind, she's blocked me from seeing her stuff, but she can still see my stuff, but she's the one in a new relationship, not me, shouldn't it be ME blocking her since I am the single one, why is she so threatened by me?

That would explain why for 3 1/2 months I’m still interpreting these secret messages whilst she is in a new relationship. Surely if I was happy she wouldn't be constantly on my mind, she's blocked me from seeing her stuff, but I made sure she can still see my stuff, but she's the one in a new relationship, not me, shouldn't it be ME blocking her since I am the single one, why am I so threatened by her?

Bungenstein, perhaps you have post traumatic stress. Perhaps you need something from her. Based on most of your reasoning, you like the appearance of being “good.” You claim to have no bad feelings, yet you have retaliated against her with a dating app, “tricked” her out of your home (?) and implied that your body was in survival mode. Yet, somehow your brain did not follow this flee to survival and instead now wants to appear above everything with no bad feelings while keeping your life an open book to her. How is that even appropriate?

You are hoping for something reciprocal. Any idea what it is and why?

[GuiltHaunted]

I don't think this behavior has anything to do with BPD in itself.

As a non, I have now blocked and unblocked my ex several times too (she dumped me). I have been changing my mind several times about what I want her to see. I the months after the breakup, I posted all sorts of thing I would hope would have impressed her. Career, fitness, pictures of me doing things etc. Later on she initiated NC, and I blocked her, because I wanted to deny her seeing what I was up to, as long as she didn't want contact.

Later on I have unblocked her, hoping to hear from her. Then didn't want to hope on something that perhaps never would happen, hence blocked her again. Then unblocked her etc.

So, it probably has to do with how she is feeling. This should only be interesting you if you hope to reconnect with her?

[bungenstein]

After I told her to leave me alone for the last time, I deleted her off facebook

Seems reasonable. The relationship is over. She is with someone else now. Why change your mind and allow her an all access pass?

Because I don't want to hold grudges, I'm friends with a lot of people she knows, I don't want her to have any reason to talk crap about me to them, blocking her makes me feel resentful whereas unblocking alleviates that feeling.

I'm fine, I'm happy for her, I hold no resentment, and I feel sorry for she has this terrible affliction, I hold no bad feelings.

You hold no bad and you want to communicate this to her by allowing her access?

Yes it shows I hold no resentment.

I'm just wondering what the psychology is behind her blocking and unblocking and blocking and unblocking, when I'm not actually doing anything.[/b]

I'm just wondering what the psychology is, when I'm compulsively watching and looking for hidden messages.

I am not compulsively looking, I get notifications on my phone when she readds, likes, etc, downloads a pic of me, at the end of the day, I just don't want her to hate me.



I don't want to block her because i don't want to get sucked into behaving like her,

I don't want to block her because our entire relationship was a drama and I’m not ready to end it. I don't want to set boundary lines that cannot be crossed and I feel sorry that I have this terrible obsession and yearning and yet I pretend to hold no bad feelings. I want to keep the door open. I want to be seen as good.



The door is not open, I hated the drama, I accepted that I could not have a relationship with this girl, I was desperately unhappy, I am prepared to help her get into therapy, with the help of her family, if she were to contact me, that is all.

I never behaved like her the entire relationship, she found out I was using a dating app, (but shes allowed to date, but if I do, I deserve abuse... . )

Its not retaliation, I wanted to date because I thought it would be good for me, I don't even know how she found out I was on it.

Even though the last communication I've had from her was relentless and cutting abuse, I responded cool and calmly, and did not retaliate, wishing her well. [/b]

I said goodbye but I still check on her every day.

Again, notifications.

They have been going 3 1/2 months now, only a few days ago she downloading a picture of me onto her phone from my website (I get the stats), she hasn't tried communicating with me for about 2 months, I just don't get all this block unblock, like unlike, behaviour, I'm not doing anything to her,

I’m not doing anything but keeping stats. Watching, waiting.

Why do you make out I am literally doing nothing with my life but looking at stats or notifications, it doesn't take long to acknowledge something on your phone and think WHY?



I've been an adult, wished her happiness in her relationship, and showed that there is no hard feelings from me at all.

Even though I “tricked” her out of the house I communicate an open door policy. I see no reason to put a boundary (barrier) in place to prevent her return. My door is always open even though she makes me anxious and every time I see her I can’t wait to get away.

She has tried to return 5 times since she left, have I let her back in? No.

Why did I trick her out of my house? Because she would not have ever left, if I had of asked her to leave, I dread to think what would have happened.



Bungenstein, perhaps you have post traumatic stress. Perhaps you need something from her. Based on most of your reasoning, you like the appearance of being “good.” You claim to have no bad feelings, yet you have retaliated against her with a dating app, “tricked” her out of your home (?) and implied that your body was in survival mode. Yet, somehow your brain did not follow this flee to survival and instead now wants to appear above everything with no bad feelings while keeping your life an open book to her. How is that even appropriate?

You are hoping for something reciprocal. Any idea what it is and why?


Again I did not retaliate, I was trying to move on with my own life, I didn't know how she would find out. Yes I made up a story to get her out, the only thing I could do at that point.

My brain did follow the flee for survival, I did the hard part by getting her out, and then refused to be together again, I cared very much about her, witnessed heartbreaking self destructive actions, and felt the full force of this illness and just how terrifying it is, I feel compassion for her despite what she put me through. I feel no reason not to be normal and civil to her, I understand why some people on this board say, run away, no contact, ever again. at But I don't feel that way, shes not the girl for me, I want a healthy relationship, I think I've made that very clear.

I guess it just hurts me that she seems to hate me, all I want is for her not to. We can't be together and I don't want to have to be nurturing and bringing up a child, but I still care for her, and I care how she views me, as I tried so hard to help her, and I've got the closest shes had to getting the help she needs, she was on a waiting list for CBT, unfortunately I couldn't take it anymore before I cut the cord and she never got there.

[bungenstein]

The instagram thing sounds like a control issue. By blocking you on this - perhaps she's trying to goad you into contacting HER. In her mind - she may believe that it will make you desperate to know what she's doing / posting / sharing and that it will drive you to reach out to her.  

Thanks that m

[bungenstein]

Thanks that makes sense, I guess its like a never ending merry go round.

[goldylamont]

bungenstein what i'm reading from this is that you have a deep need to appear as "rising above", to convey that you have good intentions, that you aren't hurt, that you are happy for her and wish her well in her new relationship, that you don't want her to hate you. however you must recognize that none of your 'positive' behaviors will have any type of affect on her. it's not helping her to wish her well in her new r/s. she's not going to act civil just because you believe you are and that this is what you want. you behaving 'civil' is useful only on the surface as a good strategy so that you don't appear to be doing negative things in public. it's a mistake to think this is having any benefit to her though. can you accept that no matter how 'good' you think you are behaving that she will still hate you whenever she feels like it?

there is a question of why your ex is blocking/unblocking which i feel has been answered (to get your attention and/or her shifting emotions). underlying this question seems to be another one -- "why is she doing this when i've been so civil?" at this point do you see that whatever behavior you see as 'positive' should only be done for your own benefit? it's not going to change or make her any better. in fact your standing offer to be there for her if she wants to go to therapy can very well be seen as contemptuous. we can keep spraying Glade all we want but the best way to get rid of the stink is to first flush the toilet 

you are doing well in many regards and seem to have a good amount of detachment going on. however i feel at least some of your 'goodness' may represent the last bit of control over this situation which needs to be released.

[bungenstein]

in fact your standing offer to be there for her if she wants to go to therapy can very well be seen as contemptuous. we can keep spraying Glade all we want but the best way to get rid of the stink is to first flush the toilet 

you are doing well in many regards and seem to have a good amount of detachment going on. however i feel at least some of your 'goodness' may represent the last bit of control over this situation which needs to be released.

,

Do you mean contemptuous by her? Or contemptuous in general?

I do not look down upon her with contempt, I used to, but isn't that part of healing, I do not view her as less, I see her as a great girl with a terrible illness, I now feel for her, I'm sure a lot of people can relate, after a long enough time, you start to feel the illness yourself, it rubs off on you, and I have never experienced such fear and panic in all my life, I've never felt like 'out of my body' before, I've never felt like I couldn't be alone before. I'm 90% over it now but if this is how she feels on a regular basis, whatever pain she has caused me is a drop in the ocean to what I experienced through her.

Surely it is not contemptuous to want someone you care about not to live a life feeling this horrendous way. I am talking as a friend, this doesn't have to be about the relationship we had, we can't, but just because we can't, doesn't mean I don't care and I don't want her to feel this pain.

[bungenstein]

bungenstein what i'm reading from this is that you have a deep need to appear as "rising above", to convey that you have good intentions, that you aren't hurt, that you are happy for her and wish her well in her new relationship, that you don't want her to hate you.

Would you not think after learning about the illness that after the anger subsides, providing you can forgive and understand, anyone would feel this way? Aren't they the most healthy and mature feelings to have?

[goldylamont]

in fact your standing offer to be there for her if she wants to go to therapy can very well be seen as contemptuous. we can keep spraying Glade all we want but the best way to get rid of the stink is to first flush the toilet 

you are doing well in many regards and seem to have a good amount of detachment going on. however i feel at least some of your 'goodness' may represent the last bit of control over this situation which needs to be released.

,

Do you mean contemptuous by her? Or contemptuous in general?

I do not look down upon her with contempt, I used to, but isn't that part of healing, I do not view her as less, I see her as a great girl with a terrible illness, I now feel for her, I'm sure a lot of people can relate, after a long enough time, you start to feel the illness yourself, it rubs off on you, and I have never experienced such fear and panic in all my life, I've never felt like 'out of my body' before, I've never felt like I couldn't be alone before. I'm 90% over it now but if this is how she feels on a regular basis, whatever pain she has caused me is a drop in the ocean to what I experienced through her.

Surely it is not contemptuous to want someone you care about not to live a life feeling this horrendous way. I am talking as a friend, this doesn't have to be about the relationship we had, we can't, but just because we can't, doesn't mean I don't care and I don't want her to feel this pain.

apologies if i wasn't clear bungenstein. what i meant was that your goodwill to her may be seen as pompous (by her). you feel like she has a PD. and whether she knows this or not she doesn't see it as a problem while you do.

i think it's healthy/normal for you to feel this way as long as it doesn't draw you back in (and this seems to be the case). what i am pointing out is that if you ever expressed this to her, that likely she would think "what kind of idiot is this guy bungenstein telling me i need therapy, when HE is the one that needs therapy. HE is the crazy and abusive person."

another way to look at it is how would you feel if your ex approached you in a nice, calm way with the best of intentions and said "bungenstein, i want you to know that i care for you, but i think you have a problem. you are an abusive man and you need help. i'm happy now and want you to know that i would support you and work with your parents to repair your damaged personality. i hope that you will seek help for your abusive behaviors." << if she said this to you you'd likely post on here about how nutty this person was to think that you were the issue. and, this is likely how she feels. so, while your intentions may be coming from a good place know that they won't be received as such. hope this clarifies.

[bungenstein]

Ah ok thanks, I know what you mean, the thing, is, its already been done countless times.

I never got to the decision that she BPD until after it ended and I had time to reflect and learn upon it, but we had frequent discussions about that I thought there was something wrong with her.

One day she came home and said, I think I'm Bi Polar, and I said, I think you are too, so we looked up the symptoms, and I thought she wasn't Bi Polar, but she agreed to go to a GP, the GP said she didn't have a mental illness but recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, she was on the waiting list but unfortunately we had broken up before the letter came through the post, by that point she was in full rage mode and had thrown the idea of therapy out the windows.

I spoke to her older sister and told her everything, I told her I suspected she may have a mental illness from everything I described and that if enough of us talk to her maybe we can get her help whilst she's still young. Her sister didn't sound surprised and said they had tried to get her into therapy before but she refused, her sister then drove to see her to try and talk her into it again but got the same rage that I received.

The guy she was dating before me warning me about her, she had opened up to him and told him about all of her problems, all of these problems she tried to hide from me. He openly admitted he knew she was telling him these problems because she wasn't afraid of losing him, but she was afraid of losing me, so she didn't anything and everything she could to hide them. She knows there is something wrong with her.

[goldylamont]

bungenstein what i'm reading from this is that you have a deep need to appear as "rising above", to convey that you have good intentions, that you aren't hurt, that you are happy for her and wish her well in her new relationship, that you don't want her to hate you.

Would you not think after learning about the illness that after the anger subsides, providing you can forgive and understand, anyone would feel this way? Aren't they the most healthy and mature feelings to have?

give me a sec to come back to this one. gotta go do some stuff! good questions though.