Biding my time.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I think he’s crazy. Really. Lol or maybe I am for still being here. I’m just all sorts of FUBAR…

At the moment I’m so tired. I couldn’t sleep last night. It’s been a long week, a long month. Lots of stuff happening in my professional world and in my personal life. I think my stepdad is dying and my mom’s having a hard time. I think my aunties dying and my brothers having a hard time. My work budget is so far out of whack that I’m literally left with my head spinning…and waiting on the other players to get their stuff done so I can get my stuff done. My wonderful assistant is leaving and so the hiring games begin….and then there’s the rest of the normal day-in-day-out stuff.

I’ve been traveling a lot for work. And for my mom and now for my auntie. I’m tired. I just got back from a long drive yesterday and came home to the deadly silent treatment. ___ it. I’m like whatever. Cuz I just don’t have it in me to give a hoot at the moment. He tries to escalate it by slamming around, making snide comments, peeling out of the yard in his truck…and all I could do is lay in my bed with silent tears streaming down my face.

I don’t know if I can do this. My plan. I think I need to leave sooner than I had intended.

I think he’s messing with my car so it won’t start in the mornings then I have to call him for a ride. Like he makes it so I need him…but is that really accurate? No not really. I could call someone else. But I know he’ll come and I don’t know if anyone else would come or how long it’d take them to get there.

My idea of a plan is to wait until my son’s 18 yrs old. One year. And in this year work towards the real real ending.

I’m having a hard time putting my own self first. My own well-being. I know this needs to end. And there are a lot of things that I consider that make me think I can’t do this…mostly others in my life who seem to depend on me…or who this decision will directly impact.

How do I put myself first?

I just need a little support here, please.

[Danie14]

So, I think he’s crazy. Really. Lol or maybe I am for still being here. I’m just all sorts of FUBAR…

At the moment I’m so tired. I couldn’t sleep last night. It’s been a long week, a long month. Lots of stuff happening in my professional world and in my personal life. I think my stepdad is dying and my mom’s having a hard time. I think my aunties dying and my brothers having a hard time. My work budget is so far out of whack that I’m literally left with my head spinning…and waiting on the other players to get their stuff done so I can get my stuff done. My wonderful assistant is leaving and so the hiring games begin….and then there’s the rest of the normal day-in-day-out stuff.

I’ve been traveling a lot for work. And for my mom and now for my auntie. I’m tired. I just got back from a long drive yesterday and came home to the deadly silent treatment. ___ it. I’m like whatever. Cuz I just don’t have it in me to give a hoot at the moment. He tries to escalate it by slamming around, making snide comments, peeling out of the yard in his truck…and all I could do is lay in my bed with silent tears streaming down my face.

I don’t know if I can do this. My plan. I think I need to leave sooner than I had intended.

I think he’s messing with my car so it won’t start in the mornings then I have to call him for a ride. Like he makes it so I need him…but is that really accurate? No not really. I could call someone else. But I know he’ll come and I don’t know if anyone else would come or how long it’d take them to get there.

My idea of a plan is to wait until my son’s 18 yrs old. One year. And in this year work towards the real real ending.

I’m having a hard time putting my own self first. My own well-being. I know this needs to end. And there are a lot of things that I consider that make me think I can’t do this…mostly others in my life who seem to depend on me…or who this decision will directly impact.

How do I put myself first?

I just need a little support here, please.

[Danie14]

Oh my I'm sorry about the cuss word. If I could edit it out I would! 

[Forestaken]

My idea of a plan is to wait until my son’s 18 yrs old. One year. And in this year work towards the real real ending.

I’m having a hard time putting my own self first. My own well-being. I know this needs to end. And there are a lot of things that I consider that make me think I can’t do this…mostly others in my life who seem to depend on me…or who this decision will directly impact.

How do I put myself first?

I just need a little support here, please.

Warning! I waited until my D was 18, now D20, my s2bxw cleaned ou the kids' college fund (the account was in our names so the kids could only use it for college).  If you are supporting your child through college that means nothing to the courts.  My brother got child supprt from his Ex (non-BPD) because his kids were in middle school

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Danie, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  You seem to be putting the needs of others ahead of your own.  I think that generally it's unhealthy to put one's life on the back burner, waiting for some day or event that may never arrive.  What are you waiting for?  Only you can answer that question.  LuckyJim

[DontPanic]

In a nutshell, its hard, especially after being with a person with this disease for a long damn time. give yourself a break (if you are like I was, you probably have a hard time doing that). I also had to realize that my ex didn't think there was a problem, so as long as I fed her disease she was likely never going to change... enabling someone is NOT doing them a kindness, in my ex's case it prolonged her and my suffering. period. I wish I would have done something sooner to put an end to what was going on, if I had, she might still be alive, but her pain became so great that she took her own life...

Perhaps she did it to make me feel guilty (I don't, I did everything in my power to try and help her).

perhaps me trying to help her was the problem and in effect I enabled her. I did all I could to save her I just didn't know that I was enabling her.

My point to you is this...

You know when you get on the airplane and they say to put your oxygen mask on first then help someone else like a child. they tell you this so that you will be conscious and able to help that someone else.

I think this disease is the same thing, I can't help someone else unless I am physically and emotionally stable and while living with someone with BPD... I questioned my own sanity as the distortions of reality were very strong... when I finally got a good lawyer and a good therapist... the first thing I told them both was this "You are going to believe her before you believe me, but I have evidence" the second thing I told was "and if she talks long enough, I am going to believe her too".

I do hope things work out for you.

[Danie14]

I think I'm just afraid.

Yes, I am hardest on myself, always have been that way. I think that this comes from my childhood experiences where I felt like I had to take care of my dad and my brother because I was the only female in the house. Like cooking, cleaning, making sure we had the basic's in the house, etc. I know it wasn't true, my dad was the one who was really taking care of us but I *felt* responsible anyway.

also... . and this is a huge one for me... . I was raped when I was about 16 yrs old. I have always that it was my fault. I know it wasn't but... . well, if I had made better choices I wouldn't have been in that situation. but that was a long time ago and I'm just including it here to give you all an understanding of where I'm at. There are other instances, one when I nearly died (ended up in the hospital for 6 mo's and ended up with life long scars) where I felt that if I had made better choices things wouldn't have gone so wrong.

so my fear... . yes fear... . is about my son, my brother, and yes, even my H. I can't control this. I can't. I know that. But I want to exercise what little control I do have in the hopes that this action I'm taking will have a little negative impact on them as possible. I worry that my H will try suicide and that scares me.

So, tell me again... . how do I put myself first? I don't think anyone can tell me that but it's a question inside my head that I don't think I've ever really gotten.

[DontPanic]

It's hard, I think those that have a significant PD find people by magnetism that wear their hearts on their sleeves.

I grew up with two parents one of which was an alcoholic (my mom go figure... ). growing up with that lead me to certain personality characteristics that make me very susceptible to someone that has a PD.

the folks in ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). define several characteristics that they call the laundry list. I know for me that I have several of these characteristics

www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php

I soo identify with a number of things on that list... like the over developed sense of responsibility, the hero complex that makes me want to save others when in reality they can only save themselves. Guilt when I stand up for myself as I don't want to hurt someone else, the list goes on.

What I found though was when I got into a relationship with another person that had a significant PD (go figure). the most freeing part was when I broke up with her. it was almost like magic because all of a sudden I felt like a whole person again.

Fear is a big part of the disease these people have, but what limited my life was not my ex but my own fears that kept me trapped. when I let go of those fears and made healthy choices for me, those fears went away... and oddly, I'm going out with someone tomorrow that seems to be fairly normal... not sure how that worked out, but I am glad it did.

I do hope some of this helps

[Forestaken]

I know fear

before my D, I was in fear of losing my kids in a court battle, she threaten to falsely accuse me of child molestation (get me out of the house), fear of not having enough money for a lawyer, not being able to pay pay and pay, where would I live, what would people think?

When I faced my fear, I found I was stronger than it.  It totally sucks, there were days I couldn't sleep.  I kept a journal of the verbal and physical abuse.  When I have my doubts - I read it and my doubts dissolve.  I struggle with the fact on how I allowed it and marvel on how I conquered it.

I lived on these boards (at work) as my s2bx didn't allow therapy.

[Danie14]

as sad as it sounds I am also very afraid of the reaction that's coming. I'm afraid of all the unknowns from him, from my H, when this is all happening.

Sometimes it really does feel as if he hates me now. What's going to happen when he's really-really REALLY angry with me for leaving him? I know him so well I know what he's capable of... . and I am afraid.

It's not about the money, the status, the security in stuff... . I'm not afraid to be alone, I like myself well enough, I don't really care what the neighbors think... . when it's all said and done it really is abut my own bones.

and then the guilt sets in... . I think that I *should* have left him years ago and I would have if it was only me... . but we have kids and... . and... . and I stayed anyway. So what have my children learned? but then again I made a choice to stay with him. I chose to do this because... . or for... . my kids. Of course I'll never ever let them know that as that's too much on their shoulders... .

So did I trade their well-being for my own? I don't know. maybe... .

[DontPanic]

Fear is sometimes at the crux of all we do. sometimes its fear of abandonment, sometimes its fear of another person, sometimes its fear of the unknown. My mind  always told me the right thing to do, my fear kept me trapped in an unhealthy world. I'd like to say that I always listen to my mind, I dont, but I do recognize when I am listening to fear and acknowledge it and think about it before moving forward. I also listen to others, because once I was enmeshed in the FOG, I found that I needed some guidance from others to help me see the reality of the situation. Once I was armed with all this information, it still wasnt easy to walk away, but it was healthy.

People are sometimes violent and crazy, this is a fact. But there are things one can do to protect oneself from violent and crazy.

[Danie14]

It's hateful. This fear that I have... .

The thing is that it's been a long, long time since he hit me. We've both quit drinking and that's made things a lot more bearable and really he's not getting into those alcohol fueled rages anymore. 

I find myself wondering if I'm hanging onto the past? That horrible past we have shared. I wonder if... . somehow I'm using that past to justify my wanting to leave him now. But if it's in the past how can I hold it against him now? Does that make sense? Like I  should have left the first time he hit me, the first time he choked me, the first time he called me names... . you know? but I didn't leave then so maybe that was like me saying it was ok for him to do that... . and if it was ok then and it's stopped now why is it ok for me to leave based on that? I'm not even sure that I'm making any sort of sense here with this line of thinking... .

and maybe I'm just bargaining? denying?

Things are not great now but they are dramatically better than they have been in the past. However, if I am real with myself... . all the feelings are still there, just more covert and more under the surface... . maybe I've numbed myself to them.

[DontPanic]

Danie,

I'm a recovering alcoholic, I managed to never strike my ex even though she did some pretty terrible things. trust me, I wanted to. Like I said the most freeing moment I have had was not when that ex OD'd but when I made the choice to step out of an unhealthy relationship with someone else who was clearly insane on way too many levels.

People will often show you who they are... believe them when they show you, be suspicious when they tell you one thing and show you another.

One of the things I heard early on in my recovery was that the path to freedom was walking through my fears and pain. I remember also empathising with the phrase... "I might be living in a world of cr@p... but at least its warm". I had to sling a lot of cr@p to get out of the muck I found myself in. If I can anyone can.

I sincerely hope you find some peace, I can empathize with your pain, i've felt it to.

[Danie14]

Thank you, really it means a lot to me to know that I'm not just crazy and as bad as it sounds that there are others who have been there... . and made it thru.

I will find peace. I know I will. I'm working towards that end... . it's a process, this letting go... . accepting... . really and truly accepting with your whole being that THIS is really reality of the situation. That this isn't going to get better... . and trying to understand how to navigate any of this... . so much more but I have no words for it at the moment.

Some of the things I've learned thru this web site are still sinking in. Like this 'mirroring' aspect. I really did think I was losing my mind with this one. He seems to 'take' my stories and recycles them as his own... . to the point where I've said (in the presence of company) "That didn't happen to you it happened to me" weird stuff like that.

I'm become more distant to him (have for a while now) and he's starting to literally follow me around our tiny little house. It's driving me batty... . and one other thing that really concerns me is that he's strait out told me he's obsessed with me, then tried to play it off as a joke when I was dead set against the idea... . I told him that's creepy.

Thanks again for talking with me.