Feeling really anxious and weak today...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Day 52 NC.

I thought I was doing pretty well for the past few weeks, the ruminations were declining in frequency and duration. I had cut down on packing every day completely full to keep myself from spending too much time in my head. I was starting to get comfortable being alone. I thought I was on a good path.

Then, on Friday I had the idea that I should probably inventory all the crap of hers that's still up in the attic and start figuring out what to do with it. Originally I told her I was just going to throw it all away. Then I considered selling some of her books and other collectible stuff. I'm also thinking the most mature, healthy thing to do would be to drop all the stuff off at her dad's. Anyway, I was going through her boxes and finding tons of old pictures, letters, and other stuff that was bringing up some pretty intense idealization feelings. I was focused on all the good things I missed about the r/s, and so when I slept that night I dreamt of her. I woke up really missing her and wanting to reach out.

I tried to put those feelings aside and focus on being present. I visited here and read a bunch of good stuff that reminded me what would happen if I did try to reengage her (the same thing that has always happened - more pain and suffering for me.) But for the past few days it's been really had keeping myself from ruminating and idealizing the r/s. I was scrolling back through my FB timeline and noticed even though I have her blocked, a comment of hers was showing up on my wall - with a new profile pic. That piqued my interest so I unblocked her and spent the last few hours scouring her mostly locked down account trying to figure out who my replacement was, whether they were still together, just desperately trying to piece together anything about her current situation. I was seconds and inches away from sending a pathetic "I miss you so much" message. My heart was pounding and the adrenaline was rushing - I could feel the addiction to her resurfacing as I contemplated the message. Somehow, I re-blocked her and got my butt over here to get some perspective and accountability.

This sucks. I so lonely and I miss her so much, but she's gone and found someone else. I feel so rejected and insignificant. I just want to feel loved, and I know she isn't capable of giving me that, so why do I keep obsessing over her? I'm disappointed in myself for checking her FB and allowing these thoughts and feelings to cause me to act against my better judgement. I wonder if I'll be able to keep NC up for much longer.  I thought I was past all this.

 

[Yogeek]

Day 52 NC.

I thought I was doing pretty well for the past few weeks, the ruminations were declining in frequency and duration. I had cut down on packing every day completely full to keep myself from spending too much time in my head. I was starting to get comfortable being alone. I thought I was on a good path.

Then, on Friday I had the idea that I should probably inventory all the crap of hers that's still up in the attic and start figuring out what to do with it. Originally I told her I was just going to throw it all away. Then I considered selling some of her books and other collectible stuff. I'm also thinking the most mature, healthy thing to do would be to drop all the stuff off at her dad's. Anyway, I was going through her boxes and finding tons of old pictures, letters, and other stuff that was bringing up some pretty intense idealization feelings. I was focused on all the good things I missed about the r/s, and so when I slept that night I dreamt of her. I woke up really missing her and wanting to reach out.

I tried to put those feelings aside and focus on being present. I visited here and read a bunch of good stuff that reminded me what would happen if I did try to reengage her (the same thing that has always happened - more pain and suffering for me.) But for the past few days it's been really had keeping myself from ruminating and idealizing the r/s. I was scrolling back through my FB timeline and noticed even though I have her blocked, a comment of hers was showing up on my wall - with a new profile pic. That piqued my interest so I unblocked her and spent the last few hours scouring her mostly locked down account trying to figure out who my replacement was, whether they were still together, just desperately trying to piece together anything about her current situation. I was seconds and inches away from sending a pathetic "I miss you so much" message. My heart was pounding and the adrenaline was rushing - I could feel the addiction to her resurfacing as I contemplated the message. Somehow, I re-blocked her and got my butt over here to get some perspective and accountability.

This sucks. I so lonely and I miss her so much, but she's gone and found someone else. I feel so rejected and insignificant. I just want to feel loved, and I know she isn't capable of giving me that, so why do I keep obsessing over her? I'm disappointed in myself for checking her FB and allowing these thoughts and feelings to cause me to act against my better judgement. I wonder if I'll be able to keep NC up for much longer.  I thought I was past all this.

 

[Split black]

Day 52 NC.



This sucks. I so lonely and I miss her so much, but she's gone and found someone else. I feel so rejected and insignificant. I just want to feel loved, and I know she isn't capable of giving me that, so why do I keep obsessing over her? I'm disappointed in myself for checking her FB and allowing these thoughts and feelings to cause me to act against my better judgement. I wonder if I'll be able to keep NC up for much longer.  I thought I was past all this.

 

You will be fine. You are an addict in withdrawal and its never a linear path. You took a step back, it could be worse. Looking thru your stuff was like an alcoholic sitting in a bar staring at a drink. Your a junkie for her at the moment. Withdrawing from sex and a fantasy that didnt exist is PAINFUL.  Thats ok. But what do you think the result of contacting her will be? I will tell you. YOU will feel like dog ___. You will lose the power you have gained from 50 something days of NC.  Its going to take you at least another 30 maybe 60 days to DE-fog your mind. FIND SOME GRIT and dig in.

Your human. Give yourself a break and feel sorry for the poor chump shes going to cheat and lie to now... . you dont think for one second she doesn't already have someone else lined up behind this other suckers back do you? You are so lucky to be free... . your gonna find a another hottie who isnt as totally insane as this whack job that left. And it wasn't about you. This is what they do. They destroy and wreck lives and smear and lie, cheat, etc etc. Its not about you. Go find the life you had before her and make it even better without her.

[trappedinlove]

Yogeek, I can feel your pain so strongly.

I am in a very similar state right now.

It is so hard and painful to let go and move on.

I miss her very much, every minute of the day, she's present in my thoughts. And I'm so jealous of her current man (although he seems to be a cool guy I admit).

I keep reminding myself that it's her life and her choices.

It's really none of my business who's she with and what she's doing. She's entitled to love and happiness and so do I.

The way she vanished after pull/pushing me for so long, with no closure and zero respect and empathy is extremely painful to me still but its MY pain and I am the only one that can heal it.

She is not the answer, nor is any new r/s I'm gonna have.

[Yogeek]

Thanks SB and TiL. I have to constantly remind myself that she proved to me during our last recycle that she will alway lie to me and she will never be faithful. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is dishonest and unfaithful ever again. All those good memories I had with her that I've been clinging to were well and good, but they came with a cost. I gave up my self-respect and my self-esteem in order to continue being with her. I did things I'm ashamed of and put up with behavior that was intolerable. I don't want to be that person anymore. I won't do that again.

[tango1492]

I am glad to see that I'm not the only one going through this. It's been a little over 100 days NC for me... . but that being said, I've obsessively looked at my uBPDx bf's facebook on a daily basis practically everyday of these last 100 days NC.

It does trigger me, even though his account is pretty locked down as well. I still scour over it for clues... . perhaps waiting for a sign, either that he still loves me or that he's totally over me and has moved on. While I am certain he has a replacement, my question is more whether he actually loves her the way I thought he loved me, or if he's just with her for companionship, etc.


In any case, quitting the addiction of checking his FB is the final piece of the addiction that I am trying to break. Today is day 1 of no FB checking. He's blocked, and I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I get that adrenaline surge too, the anxiety, even literally get cold and shivery sometimes when I think I might make a discovery or find new info about him. Total addiction.

Thanks for your post. At least I know it's not just me. Hang in there.

[Popcorn71]

I am glad to see that I'm not the only one going through this. It's been a little over 100 days NC for me... . but that being said, I've obsessively looked at my uBPDx bf's facebook on a daily basis practically everyday of these last 100 days NC.

It does trigger me, even though his account is pretty locked down as well. I still scour over it for clues... . perhaps waiting for a sign, either that he still loves me or that he's totally over me and has moved on. While I am certain he has a replacement, my question is more whether he actually loves her the way I thought he loved me, or if he's just with her for companionship, etc.

I could have written this!

My ex admitted that he is with the replacement 'because he didn't want to be alone'.  In a way that has made things worse for me because I have a nagging thought that he really wants me but got in too deep with the replacement and everything got out of control.  Although, my logical brain tells me that if he really wanted me he would not have dumped me in the first place!

I guess this is something we all go through and must be part of the healing process.  I hope we can get through it soon.

[1KitKat]

"You are an addict in withdrawal and its never a linear path."

That is perfect.  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Wonderful post.

I, too, am an addict in withdrawal.  And when I go LC, he reaches out for one mundane reason or another.  I sometimes go NC as well, and the result is identical.  If I don't initiate conversation for a few days, he tries to reel me back in.  I have no idea if he's doing it consciously or not.  He doesn't live here, he says he no longer loves me, yet he still does this.  I have to recognize it and deal with each situation when it arises. 

This morning he texted me to say 'call me when you have a chance'.  I texted him back to ask 'what do you need?' (we own a company together so it COULD be that - I always have to ask).  He replied 'nothing'.  So, I could have continued the dialogue, I WANTED to continue that dialogue, but I did not answer.  One situation defused, and I hope I'll act the same way next time.

I think it's kind of like holding out a glass of booze to a recovering alcoholic.  They're either strong enough to pass it up, or they're not.  But know one thing, Yogeek.  One day you will be strong enough to look at all that has happened and draw some conclusions about what you have learned.  This is called the Natural Order of Events. 

I feel your pain, we all do.  We are with you.