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Author Topic: No Contact to win back ex BPD girlfriend  (Read 3672 times)
blueman54321
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« on: May 09, 2014, 04:12:57 AM »

My dexBPD girlfriend split up with me just over a month ago now. I believe she suffered a massive abandonment trigger and tried to fill the void with online dating which has led to her striking up a relationship with a guy in america (we are uk) online. She plans to visit him and probably start another unstable relationship. She is obviously idealising this guy.

She says there is not a chance for us to get back together, she wont even visit me to see if she has any feelings.

She draws me back in occasionally, like last Sunday when things wern't going well with this guy (he is feeling exhausted from her push/pulling already) she phoned me and sung one of our songs on voicemail. There are a few things like this she has done but still remains adament after that she doesn't want to be with me after 4 and a half years together, of her declaring her love and wanting to marry right up until the end.

I know you are going to say I need to leave this woman, but I don't feel I have the strength. I torment her with long emails because she doesnt want to or is incapable of actually discussing anything, particularly her behaviour over the breakup.

I genuinely love her and want to marry her. I believe she has a wall up and is trying to kill any feelings she had for me, but they come through occasionaly regardless.

Since going back to her home city and living at her mums she has gone into a real big QUEEN BPD. Everything is justified, she has little empathy for the way she has treated me and the promises she has broken and quite often with holds or cuts me off.

On the morning of the breakup when she arrived at her mums she phoned me twice, texted me "i cant take this" which I missed because at that point I was quite fed up with her, she ran off to her mums frequently this past year, we had a bad year and the breakup initiated after we agreed she needed her own place for a bit of space. Obviously to me this was supposed to be a good thing, to help the relationship, but I see now it was the start of a massive triggering process.

In her current queen mode she is another person. She still says that I was the only person she has ever truly loved, and that I was different, but is still persueing other pastures and very mean to me, some days she winds me up just to get an excuse to block me, other days she phones me, i guess when her new BF isn't around to moan about her day.

What I want to know, regardless of if I should or shouldn't get back with her, is how I break her out of this mode and get her to get in touch with her emotions, and to look at the decisions she is making currently. And more importantly, does no contact in regards to letting her feelings come to the surface by giving her space work with BPD individuals? Or will this allow her to forget me quicker, especially as she is engaged in this long distance relationship or her 'new love interest' as she puts it. Her fix to fill her void that she has jumped into, who she has nothing in common with. Would going no contact be beneficial? Or would just being nice to her (while trying to avoid friendzone) be a better way about this?

I hate to play tactics but I have learnt that is the only way with her to get her to realise and or to snap her out of it.

She is playing hard ball this time and I am losing hope, I can't sleep, I barely eat. All I wish for is for her to actually drop out of queen mode, when she does this her thoughts come back to me, and to sort things out with her. Unfortunately her family don't understand she is very seriously ill and enable her to do whatever she wants.

Please help.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2014, 04:17:57 AM »

Forgot to mention her family are no help either because she has made me the enemy.

And no contact with non usualy helps stir up emotions from missing the other person, but my question relates to object constancy with borderline pathology.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2014, 05:24:11 AM »

I am literally going out of my f**ing mind here.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2014, 01:27:18 PM »

Ned some ideas, she's back on the dating website now, I guess the american guy didn't work out like I predicted. She's now fishing for other people more locally, this is probably a worse situation than before, at least he wasn't attainable for a long time.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2014, 01:45:54 PM »

I think she blames me for the failed LDR with that guy, that's why she absolutely hates me at the moment, because I told her how it was going to pan out from the beginning.

What I don't get it why she keeps the communication lines open? If she wants me out of her life so much as she says sometimes, even saying she hates me, why doesn't she block me from everything?

I actually felt relieved when she said 'she hates me' today, I think it was because at least there was some emotion rather than complete apathy. I'm glad I got to her in a way. But it's no comparison to the level she ___ed me up. I guess hate is an emotion, and an emotion is something I can live with, at least I know I meant something.

Anyway, as before, any tips on the communication or no communication at the moment? I'm thinking maybe the 'no contact' rule does apply to BPD's but just with a much shorter time frame, maybe 2 weeks?

Any thoughts, anyone?

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fatherofthree

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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2014, 02:04:20 PM »



Hey, just read what you're going through.  Been there, doing that.  Only I'm married and have 3 children.  I couldn't imagine how I would have felt if my wife had pulled this stuff during the good times (early years).  But she did it in the down times.  Imagine having 3 kids with your ex gf.  Now imagine her divorcing you and taking you to the cleaners, even though you're a great guy and trying to keep the relationship going for the sake of your children, for you, and for her well being.  That is happening to me right now. 

Check out this article:

www.goodmenproject.com/featured-content/cc-is-it-love-or-love-addiction/

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BlackHoleSun
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« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2014, 06:13:10 PM »

Alright mate! Sorry to hear you're going through tough times. Please hang in there.

The dating site stuff i can relate to. Early in my relationship with my ex GF we had a falling out. I went NC for a few days. During this time she blew my phone up with texts and calls, however she also joined a few dating sites and started adding men from them to her FB account, thinking i wouldn't notice. When we started talking again and got back together, she kept the dating site guys around, even claimed they were "old friends", she clearly wanted to play the field, take her pick, have a stream of attention and a back-up always available. 

Its hard to say what would happen if you went NC. Its likely she'd just step up her search for a new man, due to the fear of being alone/abandoned.

You say that you'd been having problems and that she said "i can't take this". This also sounds familiar. She is probably in massive turmoil due to her ever changing feelings for you. It may be that she just can't cope with those feelings anymore. Its easier for her to let you go and start the cycle again with someone new, someone who doesn't realise she is disordered, someone she can re-invent herself with.

For what its worth, my ex is still calling me all the time, she also does the things you describe, at times it feels like she gets a kick out of it. I'm quickly getting past caring though. I deserve better and so do you!
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blueman54321
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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2014, 07:11:45 PM »

That's what I was afraid of .

I am now blocked and have been made out to be a stalker again due to blocking manipulation.

___ her. She's going to do the whole ___ing thing again to someone else. What a wasted life, miserable life she is going to lead, what a wasted live we could of lived. I was the one who got her diagnosed and attempted to get treatment for her although she walked out because she didn't like it, she was apparently prepared to do it get help but never did really, I think it was just a big excuse for her, in life and with the benefits she received. She now even denies she has BPD and has the cheek to sometimes say I ___ing have it. In her Queen Hermit ___ing b___ mode.

I AM SICK OF CARING FOR THAT ___ING LIEING BITCH. She is always on my ___ing mind. I went out tonight to try to distrate myself. I lasted an hour before walking out of the  place, smoking 5 cigs in a row and started texting her to no answer. I went home, got in my car and drove like a maniac for an hour. I am losing myself. And she doesn't even care, like it never existed, how did I give up so much to this little ___ing b___ of a 3 year old. ___ing devil woman.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2014, 07:18:13 PM »

It is like 5 weeks since the breakup (which she royaly ___ed me over during), she is on her third attempted relationship. I'm a nice guy, I've never hurt anyone and she knew this and she adored me, she loved me more than I loved her for most of the relationship, she wanted marriage and kids that I made her wait for due to her moving way to fast (like 1 month in). 4.5 years and she has no feelings JUST LIKE THAT.

While im completely f**ked up. The thought of her idealising another man due to her ___ing disorder and sending them revealing pics and probably ___ing them as soon as she feels he needs it is doing my ___ing brain in.

I am still deeply torn, I wouldnt be able to f**k anyone else right now, my body and my mind belong to her.

I want to be more like her, I want to detach, I want to see someone else to cure my pain. But I mentally and physically unable to. All the while she can, even though she done the damage, she ___ed it up all up. It's a ___ing nightmare.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2014, 07:21:13 PM »

I have the means to warn this new guy about her lies. Would that be wrong? My motives may be revenge but the outcome would be good. I wish I had that warning.
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Exeter

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« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2014, 09:16:35 PM »

I wish I had that warning to, I had thought that for about a year now, if I had only known what she was really like before I met her I would never have dated this woman.  I would have slept with her maybe, yet I would have walked away or ran.

I thought about warning the next guy to, then I thought, would he listen?  Would I have listened 2.5 years ago?  I guarantee she would have been controlling and would have asked me or demanded that she read the message/email and therefore it would never have been private.  If she had read it, she would tell this guy over and over what a horrible person I was and how horrible I made her feel.  Which is complete junk, she knows she's guilty as sin, she's admitted to it and went on huge crying spells over the months before I left her. 

I'm not a sadist, I just have some hope for her own future that she gets her stuff together someday, therefore I will openly say seeing her remorseful at those times could be seen as hope that she may try to get better, however she is not trying to get better and that is the problem.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2014, 09:31:16 PM »

It is insane how much they instinctively get their claws on you in the initial idealisation. Took me 4 and a half years to come down from that.

I did it anyway. I sent the message. To be honest, I think he is a smart guy as he has tried to run a few times already and she dug her claws deeper. He has noticed that she is draining him even with 3000 miles. He may not even be the love interest now, I thought it ended but something I saw on Facebook made me think he still might be in, even though her profile is on the dating website again. Doesn't matter to me anyway. If he ran already then he has nothing to worry about and can be happy he dodged a bullet, if he reads it as is still tangled in I think it will reaffirm his fears regardless. She may win him back. But at least she will be ___ing furious. F**king b___.

And yeah, I'm probably the crazy ex, I probably was from day 1. They play it out like they're the victim, even though her family has seen this ___ before, they still don't have the brains to realise it could be ___ing her that's mental. They know she has BPD but have they ever looked into it? Nope, they don't understand how toxic it is, but they're are part of the source of the problem, her mum and dad were just one of the reasons she has this, so perhaps they look away to avoid having to feel any blame or guilt.

I'm the crazy ex, I think she even believes this, because having the emotional sense of a 3 year old she probably doesn't understand the consequences of her birthday, or give a flying ___, despite the 4 years saying otherwise, the lie, the smoke and mirrors, you couldn't make it up. She does know deep down that she is a b___ though, any attempt to get near the subject results in uproar, child like rage and tantrum and then quickly turns into passive agression, mutism and cut off. Which is a pattern throughout our relationship and I'm sure it is with other borderlines. No ability to come to any conclusions or to compromise. Fear of uprisal because of fear os emotional abuse, passive aggression or even physical abuse, either to herself or to you. Walking on egg shells is an understatement.

I'm not sure they ever really do own up to guilt, I think they say it when they are seeking an emotion from you, like a protective parent thing. "I'm in the wrong, I admit guilt, please don't shout at me, I'm don't know any better". A facade to induce sympathy. I bet if you ask them about it 2 weeks later they will have something different to say.

Full of rage today. I hope she carries out her passive aggressive threat to come and stab me with a knife. Give me a reason, I dare you, ___ing b**ch.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2014, 09:33:54 PM »

And yeah, her family are idiots and ___ing irresponsible. They have seen this trend in her behaviour since she was a child. It took me, in her upper mid twenties, to do something about it. Yet they look the other way, and let her ___ up people, ___ up their lives, ___ up their health. They are pricks.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2014, 09:56:44 PM »

I feel like I'm one step away from a mental asylum at the moment, to spend the rest of my life there. While she carries on like not a thing has happened. After the nearly 5 years we spent together and everything is dandy.

But then I remember that's a facade, she is miserable deep down, she doesn't know what she wants or needs and she will inevitable end up spiralling in and out of abusive relationships, which nearly killed her in the past , she will never be happy. She will go on like this forever, with ever increasing amounts of F**ckup. She is a 'non' ironically, in the real sense of the word, she has no self. And I remember that all her relationships will be based on a lie.

I refuse to let her send me to that place. I won't let her do it to me. I will fight and become a better person, a damaged person, but a better, person. I have been left with nothing, isolated from my friends, and 4 years of my life wasted. Her behaviour has meant that I cannot hold onto memories of those 4 years, what a waste.

I genuinely do feel that I was different for her. She told me this, even when with this new guy, she told me it when he wanted me to never speak to her again,, she told me it througout our years, even up until the last moment, and the hundreds of marriage proprosals and trying to convince me. I knew something was wrong. I'm not sure if I could of fixed her now. She never fought for us and her disorder ruled the day in the end. But I was her 'rock' and I don't think she ever felt the way she did about me with anyone else, or will ever. We were ironically, a match made in heaven, I find myself wondering now if that's because maybe I have some narcissistic traits.

"In the beginning they mirror us, and it is wonderful. In the end we mirror them, and it is horrid."

I miss the person I knew, I would take that person back in a microsecond if fate allowed, but I think it's the real deal this time. Had an exact same performance like this 2 years ago, but I managed to get her back in a couple of weeks. This time it's different. She is being enabled and reinforced too well. And she is majorly triggered and plunging forward. Your right, I don't think she would consider going back to the mess she caused now.

And I think that's her fundamental driving force. She tried to hide it all from me in the beginning of the breakup, I think to use me as a backup while she marauds around QUEENING while I'm shell shocked by her ___ing psychotic behaviour, I'm smarter than her, I found out. And now going back to that mess would be a Queen BPD's worst nightmare, accepting responsibility? F**k no. Going back on her decisions? F**k no. Ain't gonna happen. And that's all down to her 'enablers'. She is literally, a different person, a cold, whiny little b___ of a kid. One that has no idea the games she is playing. And she will get hurt, I know she will, she always did.

There are two types of relationships with borderlines. One is with a loving person, groomed, made to believe, and then discarded, despite thinking it was real. And two, where the BPD is abused, seeking validation, they are played, played to give up their bodies and eventually discarded, and that is inevitably what eats them all up from the inside. That is certainly what mine feels like, she is ashamed of her promiscuity periods, and yet she is walking right into one right now I suspect. Round and round the record goes, where will it lead to, nobody really knows... but not to a happy life.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2014, 10:06:24 PM »

A life full of rejection. Sadness and sorrow. Sadly all borne from her own inner turmoil, and her desperate attempts to avoid being rejected and abandoned. It's cruel tragic existence, not without it's own sense of irony.

A neither is the fact that I still love her with all my heart.
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Exeter

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« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2014, 10:17:55 PM »

I looked my ex in the eyes a few months before I broke up with her and told her this:

"I will not let you destroy me!"

and I meant it!

Seriously, stop analyzing her for a second and analyze yourself blueman, if she is really this bad, why on earth would you want to be with her? 

Many woman out there can do better for you then even she can on all levels, don't let some idealized concept of love even if it was real attached with intimacy fool you into a relationship of chaos. 

It's in your decision what to do, and you are talking to a guy who was cheated on the first time in this relationship 23 days after our son was born.  23 days man... . is that even humane?

Had I not stayed and persevered through her pain I would not have custody of my son, yet I did, I conquered her is the way I see it. 

Don't let her rent space in your head, its ok to get help here yet you need to step away and do something you might not even feel like, like a walk around the block.  After you start doing things like this more and more and go No Contact unless you have already you will start to heal. 

You are in the leaving section yet seem like you are fighting to stay, conflicted emotions I know yet take a moment to address your wants and your needs.  Maybe even post them here, what are your wants, what are your needs out of a relationship in general or a woman you are looking for; if you do that while NOT thinking about her and then compare after, is she really that person personality wise/even look wise?

Just some ideas.
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Exeter

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« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2014, 10:20:59 PM »

- Don't know how to edit my posts on this board yet, it seems you are in the undecided section, I thought this thread was in the leaving.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #17 on: May 09, 2014, 11:45:10 PM »

I fluctuate between leaving and staying minute by minute. It's been one month and 3 days and I am still not out of this initial period.

The no contact has been thrust upon, like she is doing me a favour, yeah right, she is doing herself a favour because she didn't want to be reminded of her f**cking lies anymore, so she can get on idealising whoever the f**ck is next on her list, after 2 rejection in the first week after our breakout, to this more latest one I suspect. So this means she is on her third subject, she doesn't have any friends, but a few boys who follow her round over the years on Facebook, her backups, probably one of those, or some other random guy who doesn't know what he's in for from plenty of fish.

Unfortunately I feel destroyed, I am nothing now, that is truely how I feel about myself, not worthy of anything, I will never be loved again. At the very least it feels like it will take years to heal from this.

I want to find someone to love again, to heal the pain, I can see the attraction, but that is not right, that is her game, If I can get through this this and come out the other side with some self respect, some love for myself and ability to be loved again, then I can, but it feels hopeless right now. I have no self esteem. This is what they do to us.

What your BPD did to you was horrendous, but at least you got something beautiful out of it. You have your child. She wanted this from me, she even manipulated me once into trying. I was jaded all along and refused her from the beginning because I knew something was up with her and my heart didn't trust her to what she was saying. It was right all along, I should of listened to it but I fell HARD for this woman. I still regard her as my one and only true love. In the end I wanted that from her, I wanted to have children, it's ironic the last few months of our relationship I felt more and more trusting to her and opened up the possibility, yet right at the moment of my turn around, she spirals out of control and becomes someone else, triggered, crazy, runs away, just when I was about to give my all to her. She has great timing. What a wound she inflicted. It almost feels on purpose it's too good. And around my birthday too.

I would like to step away, I try to all the time, I do weight training, I go for drives, it doesn't help much, some days my motivation is zero. I ruminate too much, she doesn't deserve 1 second of my time, yet I give all my time to thinking about her. Part of the problem is she isolated me, turned a lot of my friends off by her behaviour, and most of the rest through jealousy. And I'm not stuck in a town where I don't know anyone.

I have nothing to do without her, pretty sad typing that out. But yes, I currently have no life.

I know she isn't good for me, I know I don't want her (I detached from her a lot over the past year, slowly ignoring her, I think it was a subconscious attempt to bore her to death so she would leave), she was terrible to live with, hard work in every respect, and constantly pushing her self destruct button, irresponsible with money, whinging, i could go on and on but I'll just a lot of the time being around her was like a cloud of depression. I looked forward to her going to her Mum's for a week so get some space, I was happy at those moments, alone.

She isn't what I need, or want, she is attractive, classically beautiful, she has sex appeal, but she's no supermodel, she had plenty of physical flaws, but you grow to love physical flaws. I find her very beautiful, although I remember when I first saw her I didn't think this way so I guess this is love. I find myself comparing other women to her, I don't find any women attractive that don't have similarities with her. I am love sick to the core, I never knew I could be this way, I'm usually quite flippant.

I want her because I love her, and my heart is still winning the battle with my mind.

Personality wise she has adorable traits, but I would say she is alarmingly childish, and on reflection she is very immature, perhaps that's what I liked about her, a kind of childlish enthusiasm for things. She is spontaneous and excitable and was always doing something new, she could never actually stick to anything, she had no consistant interests, and would throw everything away after half a try. She fixated on her looks and hair, quite insecure about some things. I guess even in the good times she had a lot of bad personality traits on reflection now that I'm think about it, (the bad times were something else entirely), she was definitely, fun to be around in the good times, and there was always some type of drama going on. I miss that drama, many times it caused me a lot of stress and worry but I somehow miss the excitement of it, like a drug.

To be honest I could do better looks wise, I found her beautiful, and she is beautiful, she had a beautiful face in my eyes, especially when she did herself up a bit, but even without the makeup and hair, in the middle of the night when her hair was a frizz, her skin tired and her frown lines showing, she was beautiful to me, her teeth were slightly crooked, and I loved that, I guess, she would bite the skin around her fingers to death in her disassociate periods (BPD symptom) which wasn't nice, I used to tap her hand to bring her out of it and to make her stop, I used to take her fingers and sort her cuticles out because she never did it and her skin would form over them. I loved her beauty and I loved her flaws I guess. I don't know. I don't think I'm that shallow, as long as someone is attractive and keeps well of their appearance I don't mind, I like little flaws in appearance in a way, it's natural. I just want to kiss her again.

Not sure what I'm typing now.

I guess I mean to say she wasn't the hottest girl in the world and had a number of flaws that I loved anyway. She wasn't my 'type' initially but I soon found her very beautiful. She describes herself as a solid 7. I would say that's fair, but I'm not a guy who likes all the fakery these days. She has a terrific arse, really hands down her best feature Smiling (click to insert in post) God I miss that. And I adored her face. I fell in love with that face and it wakes me up at night, I see her face, no colour, just white, flash in my head and I wake up.

I don't know. I think we were perfectly matched, she thought it too. She used to tell me when I rejected her marriage proprosals that I was I cursed because I found 'the one' too early. Perhaps she was right.

Sorry I'm waffling now, I'm not sure what I'm typing or where I'm going with it anymore. I feel kind of void of emotions all of a sudden and it's started raining, sort of calming.

You can't edit your posts here, you can only request them for deletion if there are identifying information.

I knew she wasn't right for me, well she isn't right for anyone, but I knew. She broke trust so many times and let me down, I mean the cracks in her demeanor where evident there from the start, I knew then, she crossed boundaries, she got too attached and wanting things too quickly, her emotional abusive, physical abuse, all creeping out slow, getting worse and worse, until we got a point of some sort of emotional stalemate, underlined by a dark fog of depression, confusion and anxiety.

I knew there was something wrong even when I didn't. I guess it took a long time to materialise and to accept you have fallen in love with someone wrong, it's hard to take that, you want to hold on, to reconfigure it, to fix it, but it takes years to realise that nothing you have ever done has ever helped, after a while, it all comes tumbling down again, and that is why I zoned out, and she had the cheek to blame me for that? she can't see the wood through the trees, everything is so black and white to her, her ability to see what's really going on is stunted, I could never talk to her about anything deep because of this, she wouldn't understand, she would take it wrongly, and feel threatened.

Love is a powerful thing, it is what drives us, and for me at least, it's not something that just goes away at the drop of a hat, but for her, her idea of love, is wrong, and it can.

I guess I had so much invested into her that I still don't want to let go, and I'm still having trouble from detaching from her, even if she has everlasting harm to me. Even if I wasn't so isolated, I'm pretty sure I would still feel this way. It's only been a month, what's a month in a lifetime. I hate the way she has thrown everything away. I hate the she has treated and I hate her, but I love her, it's a f**ked up way to feel.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2014, 12:04:16 AM »

I don't know what it was with her though, but she would sometimes, out of the blue, come out with something incredibly hurtful for no apparent reason like it was nothing. I guess it was the stunted emotions thing, not really knowing or understanding adult emotions and things that should and shouldn't be said.

She always had a big mouth, and she could sting like a bee with it, without even thinking.

So yeah, she definitely had that side of her that I didn't like.

And she was a bit chavvy, she infatuately watched Jeremy Kyle, (an awful show on british tv). I used to joke that she took her values from there sarcastly, now I think perhaps she did used to watch it to get an understanding of adult relationships, and I'm not kidding, I seriously think she did.

She could be incredibly sweet, charming, and polite when she wanted to, she also had an incredible knack for putting on a facade when needed, like at work, (she worked part time in a local inn). But underneath all that, she is a bit of a chav (google chav if you're not from the UK). And that is shining through now more than ever that she is back in her home town, with her enablers. All chavs. At least I gave her a bit of class. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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blueman54321
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« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2014, 12:18:19 AM »

Thank you, this had helped me, I guess I need to keep reminding myself of why she was so bad for me, she lied to me and treated me so badly. But there reasons why I checked out myself. She has a lot of failings and until or if she gets treatment, she won't change. There will always be a darkness that follows her. I want to help her, to embrace her, but why should I bother after what she has done. The good times were good, but the bad times were overwhelming.
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Exeter

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Relationship status: Single 3 Mos.
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« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2014, 12:40:06 AM »

Your last sentiments kind of sum it up for me as well.

I will compare her with another ex of mine:

exBPD

Good Times - Good

Bad Times - HORRIBLE Inhumane is probably my best explanation.



My 2nd Fiancee NON


Good Times - Wonderful

Bad Times - Not that bad, 3 arguments in 3 years, some quiet time when she felt discouraged, otherwise the bad times were even kind of good and if you don't want to call them good they were tolerable!

Look at that comparison, can you do a similar one with someone else perhaps in your past?  If not, I don't know your age perhaps you have not had that many relationships, maybe you have, I don't know.

I found out 7 days ago I was "replaced" and I'm telling you while not every day is great, and sometimes there are tough anxiety moments, that strong bond that her idealization effect tries to create in me cannot compare to the deep love I felt for my 2nd Fiancee, I always thought she was the one for me, yet when it ended due to her not talking to me only once in a 40 day span - I got closure years later realizing it was really just college she was working on, not cheating, nothing else.  It was long distance so hard for it to have ever materialized into something more frequent, yet I humbled myself afterward and said "Alright God, I thought she was the one, yet I guess I was wrong, Praise God".  Don't know if you're religious, if not that's fine, I just feel its right to praise God in the good times and bad. 

I don't know, I wish you the best and the more you talk it out and list out the traits you didn't like, review them like 15 minutes later and you might start to see... . her control slipping, and you start thinking do I really love this person?  No, wait... . really?  Honestly what is helping me a lot is a few one sentence powerful affirmation statements and continually thinking and this is honestly what I have been thinking the past few days, "I don't know if I even love this person", like at all.  Like I don't want them to die, yet otherwise I think people who can't help themselves or more so don't want to, that's not pity or compassion I am feeling its stupid and kind of pathetic.  Why should I feel sorry either?  I can't help everyone in the world, people out there don't even want to work for example, I can't help all of them, I can't stop everyone in Africa or wherever from dying of Aids, does that make me an unloving person?  No, it means I am Radically Accepting things that I cannot control.

Radical Acceptance is what really made a turning point for me this week to, you should check that out.
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Front runner
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« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2014, 12:39:15 PM »

Hi Blueman,

We're kind of in the same boat. I'm desperate to hear from mine after

3 weeks nc. It's horrendous. I'm livid with how she treated me and long for her at

The same time. It's a ___ing nightmare.

I think the only way to get them to come back is by withdrawing from them totally

I've been getting a few blocked number calls and hang ups. It does my head in because I can't work out if it's her or what she wants to achieve from it.

I've gone nc to try and detach but I think it's the only way to get them back. Particularly if they are seeing other guys which mine definitely is. It validates their decision to have left us.

Only when their supply runs out then they'll get in touch.

Leaves a ___ing nasty taste in the mouth... .

I've Benin ___ing angry today mixed with insane jealousy and longing. The angers good. Lean into it and you'll get some release. The longings the addiction.

Horrible horrible nasty bits of ___ing work!
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Exeter

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« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2014, 12:48:52 PM »

I've gone nc to try and detach but I think it's the only way to get them back. Particularly if they are seeing other guys which mine definitely is. It validates their decision to have left us.

Only when their supply runs out then they'll get in touch.

This is part of the BPD that I do not understand, what makes you so sure that they will come back after NC?

If you go no contact, validating their decision to leave or stop trying, and only when their supply runs out then they'll get in touch... . when is that?  Will they not bounce from one to another to another? 

If it validates their decision and they feel they were right in leaving you, why will they change their mind later?
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Front runner
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« Reply #23 on: May 10, 2014, 01:02:14 PM »

I think it's because they need someone who is not needy yet can give them endless Love. Superman. So when they fancy a change or a bit on the side they can't cope withe shame or guilt if you're begging them to come back whilst they are screwing someone else.

They want control but need their partner to show stoical strength in the face of gut wretchingly puke making behaviour. They need control over us so if they think they are loosing it they might come back. NC will make them feel abandoned and loosing control. But having said that mine for the time being has axed me brutally and might not come back.

I've got to use this time to not want her back either. I can't be in this space one year from now. Wasting our lives. Nothing is going to change
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Front runner
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« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2014, 01:03:39 PM »

Mine always said she needed unconditional Love. ___ing puke making
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Front runner
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« Reply #25 on: May 10, 2014, 01:05:23 PM »

Literally throwing our lives down the Toilet
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Front runner
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« Reply #26 on: May 10, 2014, 01:09:03 PM »

The fact that they can just flick a switch on you and move onto something else is unbearable and good enough reason to get untangled from this web
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woodsposse
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« Reply #27 on: May 10, 2014, 01:11:08 PM »

 

I've read through the majority of the posts and what jumps out at me is the pain and frustration you are in.  This is totally understandable and totally normal.  Maybe now is a great time to de-focus on her (and if NC is a way for them to make their way back to you) - and focus a little more on your own healing.

There is something you want/need and get from these types of relationships (although it is not the best way to get it... . as in, it is very much a roller coaster) - so maybe click some of the links (on the right) and do a little reading on how you can help yourself heal.  (I'm still learning on how to share links or I would hyper link them for you).

What stands out for me is there is a lot of preoccupation with what they are doing... . and that is okay - and it's normal.  But if you ask yourself what you really want and why you want it, maybe you don't want to be in a r/s with anyone who treats you badly (so why focus so hard on someone who continues to do it)?

Is there something you want out of this r/s in particular?
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blueman54321
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« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2014, 03:21:27 PM »

Answering that question is difficult. The answer is definitely yes, otherwise I would of left that b___ in the dust and I wouldn't be such a mess right now.

Whatever that is changes frequently. Today I have felt stronger. I think she has blocked me and her mother has removed me from Facebook. These are signs that Frontrunner mentioned, I have validated her so much by fighting tooth and nail that she feels totally justified in cutting me off, probably forever now, completely. I would never dream of doing this to someone I loved, it's emotional abuse.

I am angry, and I keep phoning her (it rings and eventually goes to answerphone) and left a few messages. The reason being I want her to initiate contact now, so I can show her that I don't care anymore. Unfortunately she holds the power, and to get her to phone me I'll either have to wait and see, or manipulate her.

Her Mum has removed me from FB, this shows I am she has truly vindicated me to her peers.

Her play at the end of this relationship is experienced, calculated, and well versed. She plays the victim, withholds emotionally and physically, she incites anger, and then too all immediate family, and the boys she strings along, I am the bad guy.

It's ___ing stupid how they continually play to her whim, when they have seen this behaviour before, and they know that I'm a good guy, I've done a lot for her, and sheer fact that we were together for 4.5 years and I supported her when they did not should be a ___ing clue that she is controlling and manipulating everyone while she goes about idealising someone else, grooming them, and more than likely opening her f**ing legs to them. Yes, that preoccupies me. Yes she is a different person, and she is ill, but it still hurts like hell when I know that if she was to come and visit me, she would change back into the person I know and her walls would come down.

She knows this too, but she refuses too, because she's in Queen mode now and the Queen does what she wants.

What do I want from this relationship. Right now I would like to stab her in the face. I want her to need me and for me to tell her to f**k off.

In an hour, it could be that I just want the person I loved/or love? back. I want to live my life with this person and have my best friend back, my soul mate.

I guess I would like my sanity back, I would like things to return to normal. I invested so much and gave up so much, I thought she was the one, and now I am lost.

I have been needy, I have forced her away and I have now done some pretty vengeful things she doesn't know about yet. I hope when she find out she will call me, so I put down the phone and laugh.

Regardless, because of everything this last month, I'm pretty sure she feels justified enough, and with the object constancy thing, to never speak to me again. I know she will think of me, when her walls fall down, or she is mistreated or runs out of meat. But her past MO has been generally not to get back with her past meltdowns.

I will leave the door open for her, but I hope when the time comes, if it comes, I will out of the other end of the tunnel, and I pick up the phone, tell her to never contact me again and hang up.

She was controlling me all month, at the initial start of the breakup she lied to me constantly, I am sure this was to leave it open for the potential to get back together. She has thought about maybe she is making a mistake on a down turn of her new RS. But I have my ways of finding things out. And now, I don't think that's a possibility for her due to the shame and guilt of what she has done. This is why she has made me the enemy now, cut me off, because I remind her of this. And this gets in the way or her doing whatever the f**k she wants. It reminds her of her lies, and brings her personality disorder to the fray and her bull___. And now she doesn't have a use for me, I am history. I saw on her Facebook today a picture she posted "If the past calls you, don't answer" or something like that. This is her latest game. She had a whole 1 like because noone follows her, she is too narc to have friends, but pretty much sums up how justified she is feeling right now.

I am the past, 4.5 year and 1 month of emotional abuse and lieing, while she marauds around finding other relationships. And now I have no use for her, I am the past, where is the emotion gone? Who is she now? She is hurting me, but she doesn't care, I doubt she even understands.

She may call me in the future, but I think, this will only be when she is properly down and out, and used up. Will I want her then? After all this, after switching from black to white and discarding me like I never existed? I sincerely hope not, if I do then I deserve everything I get, unless of course she promises to get treatment, but even then, if against all odds she does manage to stick to the treatment for years, will she even want me after that? As surely she will be a different person then.

What do I want out of this relationship? What do I want out of this relationship? Could it be I want myself back, It could. I gave her too much and in the process lost myself.

But then, could it be that I just love her, I opened myself up to her 110%. And love is meaningful for us, and doesn't go away easily. I told her I would move the earth for her or die trying, at this point in time I would try, but I wouldn't die trying, so I guess that's progress. Infact today I just see her negative side a lot, a image or her lieing, tantrum face when she doesn't get what she wants. That's who she is now, a child, doing what she wants.

The overwhelming paradox is, if there is any chance of getting her back now, it would be due to detaching, not caring , going from hate to apathy and never wanting to see her again. And then I wouldn't want her back.

I feel this in my gut, and I'm teetering on the edge of this mountain, I can't go down, the way I want to, the easy way, she won't allow it, but I am looking that way still. the other way is a long and arduous uphill climb, frought with danger and uncertainty and I don't want to take yet, but I know I must, otherwise I'll just be stuck in limbo forever.

They indeed do have a magnificent grip on us, and when they take it away, we are left shocked, worthless and lost.

What do I want from her? I would love her to come to a sudden realisation of what she is, what she is doing and that she is making a mistake. Isn't going to happen, is it?
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blueman54321
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« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2014, 03:31:41 PM »

Her online dating profile is down now. This means either it's back on with the american guy. Or he has found someone else local. Which would mean a quick assault into a new relationship, and may be the fundamental precursor for this total lock out that she has instigated.

I wouldn't be surprised. I know it will fail if it is, unless the guy has low self esteem and lets her walk all over him. Then it may go on for some time. Why am I caring?

I suppose because I know she is a love addict, I suppose it's because I still have hope. And I know that when she idealises someone, she wants it to go mega quick. She wanted to get married within one month with me anyway. She pestered and emotionally abused me to try for children. She said I was different, but she's basically 28 now, and even though she says the opposite, I know that if she finds someone willing, she will instigate these things quickly, before he realises who she really is, in order for her to feel normal.

I always used to say that getting married for marriage sake isn't a viable reason, she neverstood the reasons for marriage, she just wanted to get married. Again because of her emotional stuntedness. Same for babies. I would tell her that we wern't financially ready or emotionally ready for babies. She didn't have a clue.

Anyway, she will rush things, and then it will be over, so it is hope, I am still stupidly clinging on, when I should just let her crack on with her f**ked up life and sort mine out.
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