I cant see beyond the dream that I wanted and that we had for many moments between the ups and downs. The kids are with him tonight. I wish I could go there and cry and hug him and make it all ok again. Maybe I dont want to detach, thats why I moved to a house 300 m away!
I think it's okay to grieve for the "dream" and the "moments" and wanting "to make it ok."
We are so hard on ourselves. We wonder, why can't we let go? Why can't we move on? Are we codependent? Are we enmeshed? Are we enablers? Are we broken? Can't we just get mad and move on? Et cetera.
Maybe, as a starting point, we are human beings who want to love, and who long for connection. That doesn't mean we have to stay stuck with a dream/fantasy of our former partners forever. But, it means we can accept that it's painful because we have hearts that want to love.
I wanted to "rid" myself of pain. I wanted to move on. I wanted it now. But it didn't happen. No matter how many times I wrote a "list" of all the crappy things that happened in my relationship.
Healing did not start until I repeated to myself, over and over, that the "answer" -- whatever it might be -- in INSIDE of me. That's where I started searching. It's not what happened, it's how I process it. And that answer is inside of me.
We're here for you, CMJO.