I have so many questions I don't even know where to start

[Depression = 72% of members]

I guess a relationship with uBPD makes you question your sanity, I'm constantly going over the many things my ex bf said, and the way he tried to destroy my self esteem.  I keep remembering things and I'm thinking yes, I was crazy! Crazy to put up with him. 

I apologize in advance for my rambling, it's just so good to find people who understand that I just want to get it all out!  I said something to him last Friday that shocked me.  I realised finally that I had lost myself when he said there are things he's not happy about but he wouldn't (or couldn't) tell me.  I begged him to tell me what he doesn't like, I told him I want to be perfect for him so that he will never be upset with me again.

That was my lowest point.  In every interaction up until then I had resisted, I had held on to my identity,  sure I had started to overthink everything, what I wore, where I went, who I talked to etc, because I didn't want to upset him, but I had always told him that I wasn't happy with his controlling ways.  I had always told him no,  I can't change for you, this is the person you fell in love with- why do you want me to change now?

But in the end I succumbed. I tried to maintain my friendships but somehow he pushed my friends away... . I tried to go out and socialize but it wasn't worth the drama so I kept it just for the times we were broken up and I felt sure that I never wanted to get back together.  If he found out I went out he would assume that I had met someone and he would never ever let it go.  However innocent my encounters he would remind me almost daily of how I 'cheated on him with xxxx' long after I had forgotten the guys name he still remembered. He keeps listing all the men he believed I had sex with, to the point where I almost wished I had for all the grief I got anyway. 

The interrogations, the accusations, telling me I was lying when I was telling him the truth.  Telling me he had learnt the ways to tell that someone is lying.  He made me so nervous that I ended up looking like I was lying, because I was so desperate for him to believe the truth and stop accusing me.  He made up things, he told me that I had confessed to him that I had sex with my stepbrother, he pushed me and pushed until I cried and begged him to stop saying something so disgusting.  He seemed to believe his delusions, but perhaps that was his manipulation and him trying to get some kind of confession out of me. 

He goes out clubbing and flirting every weekend, he loves to make me jealous.  If I don't react (I'm not a very jealous person, and I'm trusting) then he will work even harder to make me jealous.  He goes to such extremes that he spent 2 weeks with the automatic lock settings altered on his ph so that he would appear to stay online on whatsapp late at night, even when he was not chatting to anyone- just to make me think he was.  How deflated he must have felt when I confessed I hadn't even noticed because I was asleep at those times.

My main question is about the lying.  How can we save our own sanity and be able to understand what was truth and what was lies.  Many times he would tell me detailed stories of sexual activities he engaged in while we were broken up, all the while I said I don't want to know about it, because it's painful and we were not together anyway.  Months or weeks later he would change his stories slightly, make them worse when he wanted to hurt me more, make them better when he wanted forgiveness, or tell me that the whole story was a lie just to hurt me.  How can I know what was real?  Are they really that sexually impulsive? 

A week after a recent breakup we got back together and I started to get gynecological symptoms.  I asked him to be honest and just tell me before I find out the hard way.  He flew off the handle when he found out I had already made a Drs appointment, smashed my furniture and insisted that it meant I had slept with someone.  I haven't slept with anyone,  it would never be worth the hassle.  I had some intimacy (not sex) after our break up, which he found out about (It was incredibly a stupid to tell him but I had no choice since I was very scared, naked and he had tied me up so he could read my ph messages in peace) I freaked out about what he could do and confessed I had kissed my friends brother.  Big mistake. Huge mistake. I started to cry, in the FOG i guess, and he realised what he was doing, panicked and untied me. I felt so happy that he seemed to forgive me and take me back, but he went insane on me.  The threats against my friends brothers safety, the suicide threats, all of which you guys will completely understand and even expect.   It's so confusing because I believed he was a good person,and that he loved me, but good people don't do that! 

I'm on day 4 of no contact.  I am ashamed to say that I miss him.  Before we met I was strong, independent, funny, intelligent, caring, social and beautiful (ok that hasn't changed- maybe a few more grey hairs) so how could I tolerate that treatment?  I'm not at all the stereotypical victim so how did this even happen? Some words of encouragement and advice would be greatly appreciated at this point.  I'm so afraid that he could still suck me back in, even more afraid that I might even want him to... .

[wake up]

I guess a relationship with uBPD makes you question your sanity, I'm constantly going over the many things my ex bf said, and the way he tried to destroy my self esteem.  I keep remembering things and I'm thinking yes, I was crazy! Crazy to put up with him. 

I apologize in advance for my rambling, it's just so good to find people who understand that I just want to get it all out!  I said something to him last Friday that shocked me.  I realised finally that I had lost myself when he said there are things he's not happy about but he wouldn't (or couldn't) tell me.  I begged him to tell me what he doesn't like, I told him I want to be perfect for him so that he will never be upset with me again.

That was my lowest point.  In every interaction up until then I had resisted, I had held on to my identity,  sure I had started to overthink everything, what I wore, where I went, who I talked to etc, because I didn't want to upset him, but I had always told him that I wasn't happy with his controlling ways.  I had always told him no,  I can't change for you, this is the person you fell in love with- why do you want me to change now?

But in the end I succumbed. I tried to maintain my friendships but somehow he pushed my friends away... . I tried to go out and socialize but it wasn't worth the drama so I kept it just for the times we were broken up and I felt sure that I never wanted to get back together.  If he found out I went out he would assume that I had met someone and he would never ever let it go.  However innocent my encounters he would remind me almost daily of how I 'cheated on him with xxxx' long after I had forgotten the guys name he still remembered. He keeps listing all the men he believed I had sex with, to the point where I almost wished I had for all the grief I got anyway. 

The interrogations, the accusations, telling me I was lying when I was telling him the truth.  Telling me he had learnt the ways to tell that someone is lying.  He made me so nervous that I ended up looking like I was lying, because I was so desperate for him to believe the truth and stop accusing me.  He made up things, he told me that I had confessed to him that I had sex with my stepbrother, he pushed me and pushed until I cried and begged him to stop saying something so disgusting.  He seemed to believe his delusions, but perhaps that was his manipulation and him trying to get some kind of confession out of me. 

He goes out clubbing and flirting every weekend, he loves to make me jealous.  If I don't react (I'm not a very jealous person, and I'm trusting) then he will work even harder to make me jealous.  He goes to such extremes that he spent 2 weeks with the automatic lock settings altered on his ph so that he would appear to stay online on whatsapp late at night, even when he was not chatting to anyone- just to make me think he was.  How deflated he must have felt when I confessed I hadn't even noticed because I was asleep at those times.

My main question is about the lying.  How can we save our own sanity and be able to understand what was truth and what was lies.  Many times he would tell me detailed stories of sexual activities he engaged in while we were broken up, all the while I said I don't want to know about it, because it's painful and we were not together anyway.  Months or weeks later he would change his stories slightly, make them worse when he wanted to hurt me more, make them better when he wanted forgiveness, or tell me that the whole story was a lie just to hurt me.  How can I know what was real?  Are they really that sexually impulsive? 

A week after a recent breakup we got back together and I started to get gynecological symptoms.  I asked him to be honest and just tell me before I find out the hard way.  He flew off the handle when he found out I had already made a Drs appointment, smashed my furniture and insisted that it meant I had slept with someone.  I haven't slept with anyone,  it would never be worth the hassle.  I had some intimacy (not sex) after our break up, which he found out about (It was incredibly a stupid to tell him but I had no choice since I was very scared, naked and he had tied me up so he could read my ph messages in peace) I freaked out about what he could do and confessed I had kissed my friends brother.  Big mistake. Huge mistake. I started to cry, in the FOG i guess, and he realised what he was doing, panicked and untied me. I felt so happy that he seemed to forgive me and take me back, but he went insane on me.  The threats against my friends brothers safety, the suicide threats, all of which you guys will completely understand and even expect.   It's so confusing because I believed he was a good person,and that he loved me, but good people don't do that! 

I'm on day 4 of no contact.  I am ashamed to say that I miss him.  Before we met I was strong, independent, funny, intelligent, caring, social and beautiful (ok that hasn't changed- maybe a few more grey hairs) so how could I tolerate that treatment?  I'm not at all the stereotypical victim so how did this even happen? Some words of encouragement and advice would be greatly appreciated at this point.  I'm so afraid that he could still suck me back in, even more afraid that I might even want him to... .

[imstronghere2]

First and foremost, you MUST go completely NO CONTACT with that guy forever.  He's a very serious abuser and it will only get worse.  He has completely jacked up your brain and your emotions. 

You ARE strong, independent, funny intelligent, caring, social and beautiful. 

Only a VERY SICK PERSON would want to damage any of that in you or try to change it in any way.

Read, read and re-read that again and again and again.  Try to find a therapist if you can to help with the issues you have with this guy.  They are master manipulators. 

You've been put through Hell and normal thinking people don't do that to another person.  Reach out to your close friends or family members who you think may understand.  They've probably seen it all along but didn't want to get involved. 

This didn't happen overnight.  He worked long and hard at breaking you down.  That's how they get control and it's all about control.  Very sick and twisted. 

Keep posting to this board.  We've all been through variations of the same thing and we understand what you're going through.

[tiredndown]

I am so very sorry you are going through all of this.

But in the end I succumbed. I tried to maintain my friendships but somehow he pushed my friends away... . I tried to go out and socialize but it wasn't worth the drama so I kept it just for the times we were broken up and I felt sure that I never wanted to get back together.  If he found out I went out he would assume that I had met someone and he would never ever let it go.  However innocent my encounters he would remind me almost daily of how I 'cheated on him with xxxx' long after I had forgotten the guys name he still remembered. He keeps listing all the men he believed I had sex with, to the point where I almost wished I had for all the grief I got anyway. 

The interrogations, the accusations, telling me I was lying when I was telling him the truth.  Telling me he had learnt the ways to tell that someone is lying.  He made me so nervous that I ended up looking like I was lying, because I was so desperate for him to believe the truth and stop accusing me.  He made up things, he told me that I had confessed to him that I had sex with my stepbrother, he pushed me and pushed until I cried and begged him to stop saying something so disgusting.  He seemed to believe his delusions, but perhaps that was his manipulation and him trying to get some kind of confession out of me. 

I could have written exactly this about my wife. She likes to invent arguments out of now where and never admit to them being so off base, she would only escalate and double down. All the while I get blamed for making her like this. She says things like "So deal with the results of your poor decisions!" I am doing that for sure, my poor decision to marry her in the first place.

She can go out with her friends anytime she wants, for the entire weekend if she wants without me asking even a single question, but I get accused of all sorts of things when i want to go out to dinner with a few of the guys I train with. It is truly maddening... .

I echo imstronghere2 This is a very sick individual.

I had some intimacy (not sex) after our break up, which he found out about (It was incredibly a stupid to tell him but I had no choice since I was very scared, naked and he had tied me up so he could read my ph messages in peace) I freaked out about what he could do and confessed I had kissed my friends brother.  Big mistake. Huge mistake. I started to cry, in the FOG i guess, and he realised what he was doing, panicked and untied me.

I wish I was reading this wrong. I would go to the police today and file a report about this. Make no mistake this is domestic violence. This scares me to the core, this will escalate and happen again.

YOU . DO . NOT . DESERVE . THIS !

If you had a daughter, what advice would you give her? Why are you not good enough to take that advice.

[Artisan]

You have found a good place to find answers, to express, and remember who you are.

I honor you for your courage, strength and wisdom to step out.

And I recognize you for your devotion, caring, loyalty, faithfulness and integrity.

While people will give you much advice (like going NC) ... . listen to your intuition even more-so ... .

Which is why you are here and left.

Keep honoring, loving and respecting yourself !

[wake up]

Thanks guys.  I know I was right to leave. And reading your comments gives me strength.  left probably 20 times in 18 months... . But he always sucks me back in because I feel sorry for him and part of it is the guilt he made me feel. 

I see a theme of double standards in all our relationships with the BPD partners- do as I say not as I do... . They are completely unaccountable for their actions yet will never let you do the same.  I had planned a holiday over Easter to Sri Lanka with my children.  He panicked, believing I would cheat on him.  He went crazy and insisted I didn't go.  Threatened me that he would go stay with some girl he had met.  In the end I decided it's not worth it so I asked my father to come with me, for a 2 day holiday in a neighboring country instead.  Because one night we were camping on an island I couldn't message him,  to him that meant I had cheated.  He seemed completely delusional about normal things. 

Because I live in a Muslim country I can't actually involve the police because if they knew of the relationship I would be in jail.  Because he has never actually hit me or hurt me physically I have little to tell them also.  He only threatened to do so, and all while in his rages.  I've told my closest friend and she knows there is something because her mother had a relationship with a similar guy who ended up committing suicide and leaving a recording telling everyone that it was her fault (after years of abuse and stalking).  But even my friend found it hard to believe because everyone sees him as a nice guy.  Other friends he has pushed away, one of my best male friends actually said to me 'I've had enough of ___ from that guy' so I don't know what he has said to him but it was enough for him to stay away from me. 

A couple of days ago one of my good friends (a Muslim male) talked to me about wife beating and Islam and how it is seen as the worst and lowest thing, I had not told him about my experiences but it made me wonder if he was trying to tell me something... .

At first I would tell myself that the things my bf did were because he is arab, or young, because his father abused his mother and he had a pretty sad childhood.  I have always told him that I think he will become a wifebeater and he refused to listen.  He had a very nurturing side and went to gym at the age of 16 so that he could defend his mother.  He become very muscly and it worked, the fathers physical abuse stopped, but sadly my ex could be nurturing and protective one day and angry and tormenting the next. 

He used to have some kind of break down whenever we broke up (even if he completely caused it) and would go into depression for days, skip university, drink and smoke weed.  I helped him several times, took him to a psychologist and got him a doctors report that helped him stay in uni when he almost failed due to low attendance.  In the end though, he blamed me for making him fail.  I even used to tutor him and encourage him to study. 

All I know is that my husband continually thanks me for my support and guidance through his career in our 8 year marriage.  He says that without me he could never have reached the level he is at now.  It was so hard not to accept what my ex bf told me, he really made me feel that his failures were because of me.  Only by comparing the 2 relationships was I able to see my own goodness to be honest.

I broke NC today but only to send my ex some information on BPD.  I hope I can move on now, knowing that I've done my best for him and if he wants help he can get it.

I had spoken to a therapist about him 6 months ago but he never went to see her.  I realise now when looking back to my conversation with her that she knew what I was dealing with.  She told me I have to break it off and offer no hope for reconciliation. 

I wish I could talk to my husband about everything, but in the end going back to my bf meant I had an affair.  I thought it was over for good and I moved back in with my husband and tried to work on the marriage... . But god these wounds take so long too heal.  One brief reconciliation with the bf left me pregnant and I had to tell my husband everything.  He gave me his full support but when I miscarried I told my ex bf... . Perhaps through relief that I had escaped him, or so I thought, since he had told me he will 'make' me miscarry if I ever found out I was pregnant and didn't marry him.  He told several people (all female) that I had lied about the pregnancy to get him back (even though I didn't want him back at the time).  Afterwards he accused me several times of lying about the pregnancy (now I realise he was trying to act like the victim) and when I showed him proof he never mentioned it again.  He also never apologized for the accusations.

Anyway I'm happy to be away from him and all of your comments make a lot of sense to me.  It is scary how we all have similar stories and these people do nearly identical things.  It seems so odd and crazy it's hard to believe there are so many in the world like that.

I've only ever had good relationships before him, every break up was done calmly and by mutual agreement and I have never ever gone back to an ex.  I guess that says it all really.

Sorry for the long reply.  I'm still struggling to navigate this site (and my emotions).  You guys are awesome.  Everything we see here will give us hope and strength that we have done the right thing.

[wake up]

Hi tiredndown- I'm just curious are you still with your partner or is she tormenting from a distance now?

[tiredndown]

Wakeup - Yes, where I live you need to be living separate lives for two years before you can force the divorce. Since we have enough two wonderful children so I can not move out of the home because it will effect custody. You can actually live separate while being in the same home. I have spent many nights at my father's house when she becomes dysregulated. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as I only have a few more months to go.

This weekend she is away for 4 days and I have the kids all to myself

[Red Sky]

You sound exactly like me a year ago... . I had the partner who somehow managed to make me feel jealous even though I'm not a jealous person, who devalued me and did exactly what he wanted whilst leaving me in the lurch. I told myself that he was a bit messed up, had a hard childhood, that it would all get better with time and I was strong and I could deal with it.

Run. You have this way out now. You have made it 4 days NC and that is *awesome*. Accepting you need to leave is probably the biggest hurdle and you have done it. You will probably have days where you want to go back; I did. 'But I love him' isn't the answer once you have realised that the relationship is abusive. Keep on posting, keep strong, and I promise you will feel better.

[wake up]

Wakeup - Yes, where I live you need to be living separate lives for two years before you can force the divorce. Since we have enough two wonderful children so I can not move out of the home because it will effect custody. You can actually live separate while being in the same home. I have spent many nights at my father's house when she becomes dysregulated. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as I only have a few more months to go.

This weekend she is away for 4 days and I have the kids all to myself

That sounds very challenging but it's great that you see her exactly for who she is.  I wonder if my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder (my husband was even warned off from dating me for that reason) and it's taken years of work in my marriage to overcome the issues from being raised by her.  I couldn't take blame well, found it very hard to apologize etc, not because I had anything wrong but just because it was the example shown to me by my mother.  You have a big job on your hands to counteract the damage she will do without meaning to.  My dad was wonderful but he didn't live with us so he wasn't available to talk to much.  Only recently have I been able to share things and finally heard him tell the truth about how hard it was to live with her.  

Oneday your children will complain to you about her and as much as you don't want to criticize her to them, don't let them think everything is their fault.  Anyway I guess the main thing is feeling whole again, I know it took my father years to get over the depression, but he is still guilt tripped into providing for her sometimes (she is a master manipulator).  The fact that you have children means that when your wife is single she will still guilt trip you into helping her... . For many years.

Good luck to you, it takes a lot of strength to  get through.

[wake up]

You sound exactly like me a year ago... . I had the partner who somehow managed to make me feel jealous even though I'm not a jealous person, who devalued me and did exactly what he wanted whilst leaving me in the lurch. I told myself that he was a bit messed up, had a hard childhood, that it would all get better with time and I was strong and I could deal with it.

Run. You have this way out now. You have made it 4 days NC and that is *awesome*. Accepting you need to leave is probably the biggest hurdle and you have done it. You will probably have days where you want to go back; I did. 'But I love him' isn't the answer once you have realised that the relationship is abusive. Keep on posting, keep strong, and I promise you will feel better.

Thank you so much, you are completely right!  I have made many excuses for his behavior in the past but in the end I was making excuses for myself for going back to him against my better judgement, when I knew deep down something was wrong 'but I love him', 'but he's the best in bed I ever had', 'what if I never experience this love ever again?' Etc etc but in the end I was weak to fall for his games and he is mentally sick, and so manipulative I didn't see it coming.  At first I thought it was morbid jealousy but when I came across BPD I knew.  That's when I realised it's not my love making me go back, it's his games.

The hard thing is that I can't avoid all relationships and just quietly heal in my own.  I have to hide all these feelings from my husband (until I'm completely healed, then I will tell him everything and pray for his understanding),and I have to try to be emotionally preset for my children. But honestly I don't care anymore if I never feel intense love and attraction.  Life has so much more to offer me now... . Freedom to be myself and to love myself unconditionally!

Btw how long does it take with NC to truly be over them? Will that even happen?

[tiredndown]

Hi wake up

What is tthe timing between the boyfriend and husband?

[Red Sky]

How long you take to get over it is basically up to you. I personally felt I went through two weeks of utter, total misery and I will urge you to cling on to that NC now because your mood improves in time. In the course of time you will have good days and bad days, anyone here will tell you that, but the net effect is that it gets better and you get better. I'm 10 months NC and whilst the memories are still horrible, I haven't had the urge to go back for a long time, because once I found that I was happy all the time, I found I would do ANYTHING to protect my happiness.

Just because someone is mentally ill doesn't mean you need to take their abuse. I've felt that obligation and guilt and I know it isn't fun. But you can't take care of someone else effectively if you are unable to take care of yourself at the same time.

In the meantime, this site is super helpful for getting your emotions out and processing what's going on.

[wake up]

Hi wake up

What is tthe timing between the boyfriend and husband?

Timing... . Well the boyfriend was a friend before I separated, and I guess seeing that I was vulnerable he targeted me.  We had a lot of shared interests so it was just natural that we would end up involved I guess.  We were together 8 months before I told him that I need to look at my marriage and to decide which step to take without any emotional distractions.  My husband loved me, and I still loved him it was just his work problems, stress, alcohol problem (which he kept hidden) and subsequent neglect of the marriage that caused the break down, perhaps because I was studying medicine I was not there enough to support him as before.  But deep down I knew that something wasn't right with my boyfriend and I needed to give my marriage a last attempt, especially since children are involved.  My boyfriend was accepting of it, we talked a long time before I ended it.  Sadly when it came time to say goodbye he decided to start accusing me of things that he imagined... . Big fight followed, a lot of bad behaviour on his part and terrible things said but I was as kind and understanding as I could be.

I had 2 weeks to try to heal before my husband came back, perhaps not long enough.  I didn't eat or get out of bed for most if that time.  My husband knew that I had ended the relationship to give us another chance but he was also dealing with jealousy, since he could see how distraught I was.

A month later I slipped up, saw the ex, but it was closure for me at the time and my husband was ok about it.  Then another 6 weeks and I slipped up much worse, the ex bf sucked me back in for a couple of days.  I told my husband about it, then we found out about a week later that I was pregnant to the ex bf.  I miscarried thank god, but at the time it was heartbreaking.  I'm very lucky my husband has supported me and forgiven me, but when he told me to go NC and I slipped up again I was too ashamed to even tell him.  Perhaps also too afraid that he would leave me.

It's been going on like that for 9 months.  Every time I'm snappy and depressed he asks me if I've seen him.  I'm very ashamed and very torn between all the emotions, especially since the ex bf had already done a lot of damage to my self esteem etc, but in the end I guess I was just messed up, drained and confused.  I keep trying to patch things up with my husband, we are close as friends but I haven't been able to get over the ex bf. he hasn't let me I guess. 

I should have asked for more time to get over him, too late now though.  I have a loving man in my life and although I can't tell him this, his support is what is getting me through.  Of course he asked me if my ex bf has stalked me, he knows enough to worry about me, but unless I feel very frightened I will try to deal with it privately.