The most chaotic year of my life.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello Everyone. I have decided I want to share my story with you all for not only my insight, but for many others as well as I am sure we share many experiences.

     It all started after a few months after a breakup with a very long term relationship. I been doing the dating website thing for a while with no success. Then I met HER. She came across as someone who wanted so desperately to be loved. Someone who has been hurt in the past but could never find love. I felt like I had no chance at all but decided to message her anyways. Much to my surprise, she responded.

     We had a good conversation that progressed pretty fast. She seemed so trustworthy of me to share such intimate detail about her life and what happened to her. She shared her story about being molested by her Uncle. It made me feel important that she was able to share that with me and we got very attached quickly. We finally met for our first date. We were both nervous but seemed to hit it off fast. On the 3rd date, we were already holding hands and cuddling and by day 5, we had our first sexual experience. She had a hard time with flashbacks but I comforted her.

     The relationship progressed very quickly. She had extreme self esteem issues that I dealt with on a daily basis. She thought she was fat and unattractive which is entirely untrue. I can honestly say, that every single day that we have been in a relationship, I have told her she was beautiful. I felt like her knight in shining armor. She explained she did not like her living situation there because the Uncle who molested her was living there. I decided to do something bold and asked her to move in with me.

     She was very scared at first but adapted pretty quickly to the changes. She put on the facade that this is what she really wanted but I later found out she would talk behind my back that it wasnt what she wanted. She also made so many claims that her family treated her like crap. So naturally, I did what I could to protect her from that and I never really got along with them. Our first break up came shortly after, about a month of moving in together. Her reasons were cited as, I was keeping her away from her family. All I was doing was protecting her from the invalidating environment she always complained about and I was painted black.

     A week or so passed and we got back together again. Our first recycle. We went on the honey moon stage again and all was sunshine and flowers. I should mention that around approximately during this time, she let me borrow her laptop. Little did I know that her facebook password was saved on the browser.

[jayboy336]

Hello Everyone. I have decided I want to share my story with you all for not only my insight, but for many others as well as I am sure we share many experiences.

     It all started after a few months after a breakup with a very long term relationship. I been doing the dating website thing for a while with no success. Then I met HER. She came across as someone who wanted so desperately to be loved. Someone who has been hurt in the past but could never find love. I felt like I had no chance at all but decided to message her anyways. Much to my surprise, she responded.

     We had a good conversation that progressed pretty fast. She seemed so trustworthy of me to share such intimate detail about her life and what happened to her. She shared her story about being molested by her Uncle. It made me feel important that she was able to share that with me and we got very attached quickly. We finally met for our first date. We were both nervous but seemed to hit it off fast. On the 3rd date, we were already holding hands and cuddling and by day 5, we had our first sexual experience. She had a hard time with flashbacks but I comforted her.

     The relationship progressed very quickly. She had extreme self esteem issues that I dealt with on a daily basis. She thought she was fat and unattractive which is entirely untrue. I can honestly say, that every single day that we have been in a relationship, I have told her she was beautiful. I felt like her knight in shining armor. She explained she did not like her living situation there because the Uncle who molested her was living there. I decided to do something bold and asked her to move in with me.

     She was very scared at first but adapted pretty quickly to the changes. She put on the facade that this is what she really wanted but I later found out she would talk behind my back that it wasnt what she wanted. She also made so many claims that her family treated her like crap. So naturally, I did what I could to protect her from that and I never really got along with them. Our first break up came shortly after, about a month of moving in together. Her reasons were cited as, I was keeping her away from her family. All I was doing was protecting her from the invalidating environment she always complained about and I was painted black.

     A week or so passed and we got back together again. Our first recycle. We went on the honey moon stage again and all was sunshine and flowers. I should mention that around approximately during this time, she let me borrow her laptop. Little did I know that her facebook password was saved on the browser.

[jayboy336]

     So just out of curiosity, I browsed through the messages and saw that she was messaging some dude while we were dating professing her feelings for him. I found it highly inappropriate and it was the first real heartbreak of the relationship. I confronted her about it and she said it was nothing and that she does that to people to get something out of them. I did what I could to rationalize it in my head and found it within myself to forgive her. We carried on with our relationship. Then around my birthday, we got in an argument over something rather minor and she broke up with me abruptly again. I couldnt understand why this relationship was so dysfunctional.

     So like the last time, we got back together and recycled again. I was beginning to wonder if this will become what we are. Just another back and forth couple. We lasted until just before Christmas time and we got in another argument regarding her Mother (who she claims treats her like crap) and she broke up again. This time, I was furious. I couldnt believe she could keep doing this over and over to me. Keep in mind, this is a woman who has been telling me that I am the greatest  thing that has ever happened to her and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I was devastated. During the break up, we shared many nasty phone calls back and forth. She kept saying she wanted to work it out, I kept telling her I cant keep doing this anymore. Then when I finally tell her I want to work it out again, she comes and visits me. We meet in her car, and I am bawling my eyes out, she cries too and tells me that everything will be ok and that we will work it out.

     Two days later, she calls up and tells me she cant do it anymore and that she has been seeing her ex boyfriend from high school all along. They went to the movies together and shared kisses, hand holding and telling each other "i love you". I was crushed. Absolutely devastated. I couldnt make sense of any of this. I didnt know how a human being could make such abrupt detachments from people with little to no regard of who they hurt. I went on a search for answers.

[jayboy336]

     Thats when I came across this website and a few others. I started to learn what BPD is. During the relationship, she mentioned that when she was 17, she was diagnosed with it but had no idea what it was. What I learned was astounding. It explained all of her behaviors like by the book. Its amazing how many Borderlines seem to follow some sort of pathological behavior. BPD autopilot as they call it. During this time though still, hurting, I kept trying to contact her and talk some sense into her. She told me that she loved this dude all her life and that what we had was nothing. That she was happy. Every now and then, she would tell me she was miserable and unhappy. Keeping me on the sidelines.

     So later on, her THEN boyfriend decided to slice himself up (he has a history of mental issues) and the first thing she did was contact me for comfort. She told me that she made a mistake and that we were meant to be together. Like a gullible love starved person, I gobbled it up and gave it another chance. So yet another recycle.

     This time, things actually went quite well for a while. For about a good 2 months. We had our fights, but resolved them with better conflict resolution (which I learned from this website). I eventually proposed to her and she accepted. She was starting therapy and what not and things were great. One day though, she woke up in a really funny, depressed mood. I knew something was off. I asked her flat out if things were ok and if she thought about leaving me again. Her response was "I dont know". Later, I got a text saying she couldnt be with me anymore. Two days later, I called her begging her not to do this. What she told me next hurt unbelievably bad. She told me "I am sorry Jason, I need to see what else is out there". She hung up the phone. That weekend, she went to a party with a complete stranger, got intoxicated and ended up having intercourse with him. I couldnt believe it.

     I was so hurt and confused. I still had such strong feelings for her. She called me a few days later saying she made a big mistake and that she would get help. She begged for me back. I dont know how I did it but I forgave her, ignored my pain and took her back again.

     The next recycle lasted a good month and then it happened again. We get in a big argument regarding her breaking boundaries. Going out with her friends drinking and what not (which I am not ok with) and she ended it. That very next day, she got in another relationship with someone and had unprotected intercourse a day later. She invited him to spend 4 days at her parents house. A complete stranger. I was furious and hurt. At the time, I did not know this all transpired as a week later, she gave me a call and said she made a mistake. That she "met" someone but didnt do anything. I ended up finding out that things got sexual and what not by looking at her phone. I was so devastated. I kept getting my heart pounded over and over again.

     

[drummerboy]

Welcome to the world of BPD. Ridiculously idealised one minute, discarded into the trash the next. Been there, done that, didn't even get a T shirt!

The message you will no doubt get here will be, forget her (easier said than done) go 100% No Contact, get some therapy to see why you fell for such a load of horseshe&t and get on with your life knowing that there are many mentally healthy people out there that would love your company.

You were with an emotionally immature damaged person who needs years of therapy, whose life is in constant crisis. Who lives in a perpetual hell even when they appear bubbly and happy.

[jayboy336]

     Some way, some how, I ended up keep giving her a chance. Finding unhealthy ways to compartmentalize my pain in order to keep her happy and loved. I was so addicted. This recycle went ok just like the other ones. 3 solid weeks of the honeymoon stage. Then by week 4, it goes south. I caught her lying about a few things and confronted her on it. I enforced boundaries and said this wasnt acceptable if we were to continue the relationship. She left again. She turned so callous and cold so fast. Just like every other time. I kept trying to call her, trying to plead with her. She told me some days that she wanted to work things out. Then the very next day, she would tell me she couldnt do it. That she would just keep hurting me.

    During that time, I found out she went to another ex's house to watch movies. They ended up having sex. She admitted this to me during a phone call. This time, I was angry and lashed out. All the other times this has happened, she expressed so much regret and disgust. Told me she would never do this again and she keeps doing it. I was so frustrated but I was addicted. I was willing to do anything and take anything to work things out. Almost as if i had some responsibility to help her. To save her from her own misery. We decided to work things out once again. There wasnt a day that went by that she told me that she was never leaving again and that we would always work things out. That I was the man of her dreams. Her soulmate. Once again, in week 4, the cycle continued and she left again over an argument. I couldnt believe it and it hurt really bad this time because I was becoming convinced (at the time) that she was never leaving again. That she was pursuing help and therapy and was trying to get on meds. That very same day of leaving, she made a dating website account and went looking for her next victim.

    Once again, like a beaten sad dog, I kept chasing after her. Trying to talk sense into her. Knowing logically, enough is enough and I have to let go. Twice, we agreed to work things out in the span of a week and the very next day, I would get a text saying "Im sorry Jason, I cant do this". Eventually, I gave up. I started implementing no contact. It seemed to have an effect because she eventually tried to come over physically to my apartment (something she never did before) after 3 days of NC. We cried and professed our feelings for each other but I stood my ground this time. I told her I couldnt do this. Two days later, she hopped into some relationship with someone she met on the dating website. They had sex on that same day which hurt unbelievably bad. Then close to the weekend, she went to see him again and apparently he forced himself on her sexually.

    That morning, she called me up crying saying that she thought she had been raped. I told her I was there for her and that she needed to go to the hospital to get a rape kit and to go to the authorities. I told her to text me back as soon as she did. She never did. So I confronted her about this and she stated that she hasnt gone yet. So I got extremely upset, thinking if she did get raped, that would be the first place she would go but didnt so I thought she lied to me. I decided to block her number and try to move on.

[jayboy336]

     Out of guilt and concern, I unblocked her to see if she was ok. I got no answer. All night. I finally took it upon myself to contact her family. They told me that she attempted to commit suicide and was in ICU at the hospital. I was shocked. I didnt know what to think. Part of me felt responsible. As if she did this for me. Out of guilt. I went to see her the next day at the hospital and she was a mess. I was an emotional mess too because I dont want her to die and still have such strong, intense feelings for her. I told her I loved her and that I would help her get through all of this and that she doesnt have to do this again.

     That evening, she got sent to the psychiatric unit in a town 80 miles away. None of her family came to see her in the 3 days she stayed. Only I did. I felt like if I went above and beyond, she would finally see just how much I love her and that she would never leave me. On the day of her discharge, I took her home and brought her the gifts I tried to bring her earlier (a teddy bear and a journal of me professing my love to her). In this recycle, things were perfect. It was if she was a changed person. She started taking meds. Was scheduled to see a therapist. She seemed to finally give to me what I was giving to her. Like clockwork though, things would change.

     Yesterday, she stated that she was going over to see her family and would be back around 1:00pm. I am big on punctuality and her safety so I told her to do her best to make it on time. She agreed. Around 12:40pm, she called saying she was walking back from an event at her Moms work place and her sandals broke and she walked a few blocks barefoot. I jokingly called her an idiot and expressed my disdain for her safety by her doing that. So I just told her I would see her at home. She never came back. So being extremely concerned, at around 1:40, I called her up. She didnt answer but sent me a text saying that "You dont get to talk to me like that" and I asked her where she was and she said "She made plans". I was furious. She told me throughout this recycle, that she would never do that. She would always tell me where she was and never do things out of spite as that is unhealthy.

     So feeling that boundaries needed to be enforced, I told her that if she couldnt stay committed to her word on working things out, that we need to end it. She was ok with things ending. The very day before, she told me she loved me and couldnt be without me and now she is just walking away again. After all I have done for her. I called her up later and she said that I was being emotionally abusive to her and that she cant do it anymore (which makes absolutely no sense). I was partially numb to this all but it hit me later that evening as I tried to contact her asking her if this is what she really wanted and her simply ignoring me. So this is where I am at now.

     Sure, there are many things that have happened in between. I have had constant battles with her Mother about the abuse she did to her as a child. I have caught my BPD partner in many lies. I exposed many attempts at her trying to manipulate me. So much I could go in to. Basically, I wanted to share my story to let it out there and see if anyone has gone through something similar.

     Basically, I am here because I want to heal. I want this cycle to end. I suspect I most likely have some co-dependency/self-esteem issues as I feel no normal emotionally healthy person would endure the emotional pain I have gone through and to of loved so selflessly. I honestly feel like I gave this woman my whole world and it wasnt good enough. There was NEVER a day where I didnt tell her that she was beautiful and that I loved her. I would kiss her and cuddle with her every night. I would help her through all of her pain and emotional trauma. All to be abruptly left. It has taken such an emotional and physical toll on me. I know I have to put an end to it all. There in lies the battle. Sustaining no contact.

Thank you all for reading my story and look forward to your questions and replies!

[jayboy336]

Welcome to the world of BPD. Ridiculously idealised one minute, discarded into the trash the next. Been there, done that, didn't even get a T shirt!

The message you will no doubt get here will be, forget her (easier said than done) go 100% No Contact, get some therapy to see why you fell for such a load of horseshe&t and get on with your life knowing that there are many mentally healthy people out there that would love your company.

You were with an emotionally immature damaged person who needs years of therapy, whose life is in constant crisis. Who lives in a perpetual hell even when they appear bubbly and happy.

Thank you Bauie. Yeah. The hardest part is to accept it all and to realize that I deserve better. The longest I have gone with NC is 5 days. Im hoping to start it soon once she gets the rest of her belongings from the apartment.

Its unfortunate that they live in such a hell. It really plays on a good persons "hero complex" so to speak. To me, Im just trying to be a nice, kind person but it seems that some Borderlines feed off of that.

[Infern0]

Hey man, what a story.

I'm really sorry you got done in so badly,  this is even worse than what happened to me,  although MANY of the points in there happened to me almost word for word. 

Sustaining NC Is going to be best for you.  You will feel guilty etc but you should not. This person has been so, so cruel to you. You have a loyal and loving heart,  you just can't do anymore here. It's done.  Over.

There are great lessons to learn from all of this. You will find that once you get through all the pain and misery that you have actually gained a lot of knowledge and strength.

Peace to you man,  the worst is over.

[tim_tom]

Very to sorry to read this sad tale.

Fwiw, it's served as a useful reference point for me. I had limited boundaries with mine, was never really able to get upset about something she did without being raged at. I think, in reading your tale, had I established firm boundaries like you attempted to, the relationship would've been even more chaotic. Letting her walk all over me allowed for some semblance of peace.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are much, much better off without her

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  You can see that your girlfriend has treated you like a doormat.  Please ask yourself why you  have put up with it?  I have to ask myself the same thing regarding my exBPDgf.  It seems that this love is an illusion.  I have to admit that I have issues myself - to have endured such disrespect in the first place.  More - to have even got into this relationship because I knew from the first date that something was not right mentally with this lady.  I wish you the best of luck with NC - I strongly suggest you stick with it.

[jayboy336]

Hey man, what a story.

I'm really sorry you got done in so badly,  this is even worse than what happened to me,  although MANY of the points in there happened to me almost word for word. 

Sustaining NC Is going to be best for you.  You will feel guilty etc but you should not. This person has been so, so cruel to you. You have a loyal and loving heart,  you just can't do anymore here. It's done.  Over.

There are great lessons to learn from all of this. You will find that once you get through all the pain and misery that you have actually gained a lot of knowledge and strength.

Peace to you man,  the worst is over.

    Thank you for your kind words. In the logical sense, the worst is really over. Its beginning to make the detachment now. To break away from the false paradigm of what you thought would be the rest of your life. Battling thoughts like "If only I just loved her a little more or done this and that". Even though its day one of the break up cycle, I need it to be done for good. I have spent more than a year of my life trying to love this woman with everything that I have and I dont have anything to show for it.

[jayboy336]

Very to sorry to read this sad tale.

Fwiw, it's served as a useful reference point for me. I had limited boundaries with mine, was never really able to get upset about something she did without being raged at. I think, in reading your tale, had I established firm boundaries like you attempted to, the relationship would've been even more chaotic. Letting her walk all over me allowed for some semblance of peace.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are much, much better off without her

Thanks Tim Tom. I been reading a lot of your posts too and feeling your struggle as well. We can heal together buddy

[jayboy336]

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  You can see that your girlfriend has treated you like a doormat.  Please ask yourself why you  have put up with it?  I have to ask myself the same thing regarding my exBPDgf.  It seems that this love is an illusion.  I have to admit that I have issues myself - to have endured such disrespect in the first place.  More - to have even got into this relationship because I knew from the first date that something was not right mentally with this lady.  I wish you the best of luck with NC - I strongly suggest you stick with it.

Hello there. Yeah through all these recycles, I feel like a used piece of meat. Exploited for money and emotions. I spent so much of my time, money and energy trying to make this woman happy. Sacrificing much of my own happiness, thinking it would someday be worth it. Like a tension cable that is getting too tight, I finally snapped.

     Its hard to accept that the love we had for each other was an illusion. The biggest problem is that all of my feelings were real; even if hers were not. Part of me thinks she has done all this as a matter of survival. That using and feeding off peoples emotions is a way to survive and that they can never love. I have a lot of self reflecting to do to find the answer as well of why I stayed so long and endured so much pain. All for nothing it seems.

[tim_tom]

Hello there. Yeah through all these recycles, I feel like a used piece of meat. Exploited for money and emotions. I spent so much of my time, money and energy trying to make this woman happy. Sacrificing much of my own happiness, thinking it would someday be worth it. Like a tension cable that is getting too tight, I finally snapped.

    Its hard to accept that the love we had for each other was an illusion. The biggest problem is that all of my feelings were real; even if hers were not. Part of me thinks she has done all this as a matter of survival. That using and feeding off peoples emotions is a way to survive and that they can never love. I have a lot of self reflecting to do to find the answer as well of why I stayed so long and endured so much pain. All for nothing it seems.

Her's were real... Just fleeting because they are governed by inherent emotional immaturity. She's not capable of loving the way a normal person does.

I try and think to myself, she gave all that her disordered mind would allow.

Holding a grudge/hating her, just keeps her in your head space. Where we really need to get to is indifference, and I don't think hate is the path there. Acceptance followed by forgiveness gets you to indifference. I feel it sometimes, and sometimes I don't, when I do feel it... it's like a weight is lifted off my body. Weeks ago, when I was in hate mode, I never felt indifference, not once.

[camuse]

An awful story  So sorry. You are on the right road now but it will take time and probably change you forever, ultimately for the better. What a horrific experience.

It's so sad, these people we are so close to, end up having to be cut out of our lives forever because they are so toxic to us and just abuse our good nature.

But that's what some people do, and you will learn from this and look out for yourself much better from now on.

NC is the only way out of this, 100% NC forever. Detach from her, work on yourself, think about why you let yourself be abused and how you are going to make sure that never happens again.

[camuse]

Battling thoughts like "If only I just loved her a little more or done this and that". Even though its day one of the break up cycle, I need it to be done for good. I have spent more than a year of my life trying to love this woman with everything that I have and I dont have anything to show for it.

Yes this thought kept me awake for a while, but you need to accept that there was NOTHING you could have done. You were fighting an unwinnable battle, nothing would ever had led to a different ending. Maybe a different route, but the ending is always the same because the disorder always wins. ALWAYS. It is tragic, but it is what it is.

The best thing you can take from this is to learn to recognise the warning signs in future. Life isn't a fairytale, and these kind of intense relationships always turn to dust and cause a lot of misery. You also need to grieve, the loss is real and you will feel it for some time.

[Caredverymuch]

Battling thoughts like "If only I just loved her a little more or done this and that". Even though its day one of the break up cycle, I need it to be done for good. I have spent more than a year of my life trying to love this woman with everything that I have and I dont have anything to show for it.

you need to accept that there was NOTHING you could have done. You were fighting an unwinnable battle, nothing would ever had led to a different ending. Maybe a different route, but the ending is always the same because the disorder always wins. ALWAYS. It is tragic, but it is what it is.

Jayboy,

Your story is so hurtful. I could have written it myself. Minus a few details our stories are identical in regard to the push pulls/recycles/professions of deep love, need, and "this time will be different."

I went through the VERY same. I knew nothing about BPD during the r/s and just got dragged in deeper and deeper and deeper. As we say here, down that rabbit hole.

I felt incredibly responsible for my expBPD.  He found caring in me and then upped the ante every moment thereafter in ways much as yours.  I was beholden to be the only one he ever had who cared for him as I did. His abuse in childhood was entrusted early on to me. In fact, his entire life seemed to be entrusted to me, very early on     Logic gave way to chaos, emotional exhaustion, confusion, heartache, concern, and ultimately a full lose of myself.

He ebbed and flowed between me and his then ex as yours did with other partners. It would be exactly as your situation. Honeymoon, deeper bonding every time, mutual tears, deeper one-ness, then, about 4 weeks in he split me. Just like yours. Dropped me on my head. Overnight. Would ignore me, lie to me, appear that he literally forgot me, overnight, and resume his r/s with this then ex.  

I was not aware nor would I EVER had believed there were others during the r/s but now that I know what I know, I am sure there were.

He would tell me many of the things yours has. How they were bonding, sex, etc, but that it was all just for show. It meant nothing. He was IN LOVE, you see, WITH ME.  The other r/s meant little. He had to do certain things "there" to detach fully so he could get to me.  

He was just having so much trouble making that full commitment to the woman he waited his entire life for.   

He was working on it, each and every time he would recycled me. Sobbing. Bc our time apart only showed him how much he could never be without me.   

He would threaten suicide   , OD'ed a few times and I was the one who spend the entire ordeal worrying and sick with grief for him.

He would cling and pull me so much closer each time he split me white.  I was like you, so confused, so hurt, so full of missing, so very in love with this man, and had NO idea what was going on.  I had lost so much of myself to only being concerned for his well being in every way. 

It shattered my heart to see how easily he could go from the warmth of our one-ness to leaving me with no sign of hurt at all. It was surreal. This emotional mess of a man could become this strong man and just get up and walk away from me.  Then, like yours, as I would be struggling with all the emotions you have, he would reappear, wash, rinse, repeat.

I could say NOTHING during those times to "upset him." Jokingly, like you, I might say something and that would cause him to immediately split me with intense arrogance and spite.  It was ok for him to say, do, feel, act any way he needed to. But me, no. I had to just take whatever was served and give more.

I was ASTONISHED the last time he split me black and ultimately abandoned me. He made it so very clear during that last recycle that so much would never happen again. I mean, abundantly clear, bc I was like you, and pretty much done, not really giving in to take him back.  I was fooled yet again. I gave in yet again. He came back in the most convincing way. Day and night. Honeymoon or all honeymoon. We talked about his past behavior and the hurt it imposed on me to endure. He would beg me to look him "in the eye" and tell him i KNEW he would not do that again.  I had to tell him I believed him.  We just were never going to be apart again.

Another 4 weeks went by. I could feel the difference/ disregulating the day he left for good. I knew it was coming by the unspoken feeling I had with him that day. The way he looked at me. The way he was clearing distancing himself that day.  I went to hug him and he didn't hug back. I looked at him and he told me that he knew I thought I was better than him and that I was going to leave him. I stared at him without saying a word and tears trickled down my face. I asked him why, again, was he saying these things to me.  He couldn't find words. He just stared and said "Im sorry."  Then he left and he never came back.

When I saw him a short time later ( of course I went to find him) I told him I was appalled and that I would not be back coming back again.  He baited me on and off for months and each time was meaner and colder.

Today, well over a year later, he acts like I am a total stranger. As if I do not even exist nor ever did.  He's back with his then ex and I know he tried zealously to gain new supply almost immediately after he split me for good that last day. 

This r/s was the most devastating experience of my life. I wish I could have stayed stronger with my boundaries and NOT let him back in those many times I fell for his manipulations. I lost much to this and I have worked very hard with all the tools here, in T, and NC.  NC is the strongest tool that helps to heal. Protect. And regain your life.

Our ex's are very sick ppl. They will not change bc of or for us.

It was love, don't struggle to try to rethink that.  But, for us, we truly know how to give and receive love. They did the best they can as the disorder is triggered by love and all the rest bcomes the r/s hell.

The gift of this experience has been immense self inventory and recovery to a much stronger sense of self protection and respect.  My boundaries are clean cut now. I know why I was attracted to him and vise versa and why I bcame as codependent as he did.  That was the hidden gift for the heartache and heartbreak and hurt.

I hope you can utilize all the support here to work through. It is horrific, what they do.  It indeed is a serious disorder.

Give it back. Work on you. Get off the ride. And be gentle in your healing.

You could not have changed a thing. And you won't change a thing for the better if you go back for more.

Sending 

[camuse]

Battling thoughts like "If only I just loved her a little more or done this and that". Even though its day one of the break up cycle, I need it to be done for good. I have spent more than a year of my life trying to love this woman with everything that I have and I dont have anything to show for it.

you need to accept that there was NOTHING you could have done. You were fighting an unwinnable battle, nothing would ever had led to a different ending. Maybe a different route, but the ending is always the same because the disorder always wins. ALWAYS. It is tragic, but it is what it is.

Jayboy,

Your story is so hurtful. I could have written it myself. Minus a few details our stories are identical in regard to the push pulls/recycles/professions of deep love, need, and "this time will be different."

I went through the VERY same. I knew nothing about BPD during the r/s and just got dragged in deeper and deeper and deeper. As we say here, down that rabbit hole.

I felt incredibly responsible for my expBPD.  He found caring in me and then upped the ante every moment thereafter in ways much as yours.  I was beholden to be the only one he ever had who cared for him as I did. His abuse in childhood was entrusted early on to me. In fact, his entire life seemed to be entrusted to me, very early on     Logic gave way to chaos, emotional exhaustion, confusion, heartache, concern, and ultimately a full lose of myself.

He ebbed and flowed between me and his then ex as yours did with other partners. It would be exactly as your situation. Honeymoon, deeper bonding every time, mutual tears, deeper one-ness, then, about 4 weeks in he split me. Just like yours. Dropped me on my head. Overnight. Would ignore me, lie to me, appear that he literally forgot me, overnight, and resume his r/s with this then ex.  

I was not aware nor would I EVER had believed there were others during the r/s but now that I know what I know, I am sure there were.

He would tell me many of the things yours has. How they were bonding, sex, etc, but that it was all just for show. It meant nothing. He was IN LOVE, you see, WITH ME.  The other r/s meant little. He had to do certain things "there" to detach fully so he could get to me.  

He was just having so much trouble making that full commitment to the woman he waited his entire life for.   

He was working on it, each and every time he would recycled me. Sobbing. Bc our time apart only showed him how much he could never be without me.   

He would threaten suicide   , OD'ed a few times and I was the one who spend the entire ordeal worrying and sick with grief for him.

He would cling and pull me so much closer each time he split me white.  I was like you, so confused, so hurt, so full of missing, so very in love with this man, and had NO idea what was going on.  I had lost so much of myself to only being concerned for his well being in every way. 

It shattered my heart to see how easily he could go from the warmth of our one-ness to leaving me with no sign of hurt at all. It was surreal. This emotional mess of a man could become this strong man and just get up and walk away from me.  Then, like yours, as I would be struggling with all the emotions you have, he would reappear, wash, rinse, repeat.

I could say NOTHING during those times to "upset him." Jokingly, like you, I might say something and that would cause him to immediately split me with intense arrogance and spite.  It was ok for him to say, do, feel, act any way he needed to. But me, no. I had to just take whatever was served and give more.

I was ASTONISHED the last time he split me black and ultimately abandoned me. He made it so very clear during that last recycle that so much would never happen again. I mean, abundantly clear, bc I was like you, and pretty much done, not really giving in to take him back.  I was fooled yet again. I gave in yet again. He came back in the most convincing way. Day and night. Honeymoon or all honeymoon. We talked about his past behavior and the hurt it imposed on me to endure. He would beg me to look him "in the eye" and tell him i KNEW he would not do that again.  I had to tell him I believed him.  We just were never going to be apart again.

Another 4 weeks went by. I could feel the difference/ disregulating the day he left for good. I knew it was coming by the unspoken feeling I had with him that day. The way he looked at me. The way he was clearing distancing himself that day.  I went to hug him and he didn't hug back. I looked at him and he told me that he knew I thought I was better than him and that I was going to leave him. I stared at him without saying a word and tears trickled down my face. I asked him why, again, was he saying these things to me.  He couldn't find words. He just stared and said "Im sorry."  Then he left and he never came back.

When I saw him a short time later ( of course I went to find him) I told him I was appalled and that I would not be back coming back again.  He baited me on and off for months and each time was meaner and colder.

Today, well over a year later, he acts like I am a total stranger. As if I do not even exist nor ever did.  He's back with his then ex and I know he tried zealously to gain new supply almost immediately after he split me for good that last day. 

This r/s was the most devastating experience of my life. I wish I could have stayed stronger with my boundaries and NOT let him back in those many times I fell for his manipulations. I lost much to this and I have worked very hard with all the tools here, in T, and NC.  NC is the strongest tool that helps to heal. Protect. And regain your life.

Our ex's are very sick ppl. They will not change bc of or for us.

It was love, don't struggle to try to rethink that.  But, for us, we truly know how to give and receive love. They did the best they can as the disorder is triggered by love and all the rest bcomes the r/s hell.

The gift of this experience has been immense self inventory and recovery to a much stronger sense of self protection and respect.  My boundaries are clean cut now. I know why I was attracted to him and vise versa and why I bcame as codependent as he did.  That was the hidden gift for the heartache and heartbreak and hurt.

I hope you can utilize all the support here to work through. It is horrific, what they do.  It indeed is a serious disorder.

Give it back. Work on you. Get off the ride. And be gentle in your healing.

You could not have changed a thing. And you won't change a thing for the better if you go back for more.

Sending 

Every story is so similar. So awful.

You can understand everything about the disorder, but it never really makes sense because ultimately we just aren't like them. Splitting without empathy is just incomprehensible to me, and why these stories are so devastating. They know not what they do.

But I try to remind myself, if I stroked a tiger and it mauled me, I wouldn't blame the tiger. We sometimes can't accept that these people simply are not like us, don't think like us, are almost a different species, they do what they do and that is just how it is.

So sorry you went through this nightmare

[jayboy336]

Hello there. Yeah through all these recycles, I feel like a used piece of meat. Exploited for money and emotions. I spent so much of my time, money and energy trying to make this woman happy. Sacrificing much of my own happiness, thinking it would someday be worth it. Like a tension cable that is getting too tight, I finally snapped.

    Its hard to accept that the love we had for each other was an illusion. The biggest problem is that all of my feelings were real; even if hers were not. Part of me thinks she has done all this as a matter of survival. That using and feeding off peoples emotions is a way to survive and that they can never love. I have a lot of self reflecting to do to find the answer as well of why I stayed so long and endured so much pain. All for nothing it seems.

Her's were real... Just fleeting because they are governed by inherent emotional immaturity. She's not capable of loving the way a normal person does.

I try and think to myself, she gave all that her disordered mind would allow.

Holding a grudge/hating her, just keeps her in your head space. Where we really need to get to is indifference, and I don't think hate is the path there. Acceptance followed by forgiveness gets you to indifference. I feel it sometimes, and sometimes I don't, when I do feel it... it's like a weight is lifted off my body. Weeks ago, when I was in hate mode, I never felt indifference, not once.

Hey there Tom. I know that forgiveness the answer and the usual phase that I go through is that I become extremely angry due to feelings of betrayal and I lash out, then I start to doubt myself and someone feel responsible for the mess, and then ultimately, I calm down. Having constantly getting hurt over and over every month like clockwork, I have learned that I cannot hate her. Naturally, I am not a hateful person as I can see how it can bitter any soul. So I dont want to hate her. I want the best for her. I just cant deal with the pain this relationship will keep giving if I stay.

[jayboy336]

Battling thoughts like "If only I just loved her a little more or done this and that". Even though its day one of the break up cycle, I need it to be done for good. I have spent more than a year of my life trying to love this woman with everything that I have and I dont have anything to show for it.

Yes this thought kept me awake for a while, but you need to accept that there was NOTHING you could have done. You were fighting an unwinnable battle, nothing would ever had led to a different ending. Maybe a different route, but the ending is always the same because the disorder always wins. ALWAYS. It is tragic, but it is what it is.

The best thing you can take from this is to learn to recognize the warning signs in future. Life isn't a fairytale, and these kind of intense relationships always turn to dust and cause a lot of misery. You also need to grieve, the loss is real and you will feel it for some time.

    Hello there Camuse. Thank you for your kind words. I feel like I will eventually hit a point to where I will realize that there was nothing I could of done. How could someone give so much love to someone and be painted black and dumped so fast? In a matter of hours. To go from being the most important person in that individuals life to someone who means nothing. Just swept under the rug. Its happened over and over so much that with a sense of clarity, I can see that there was nothing I could of done. No matter how much love I show this woman, she will never stop her destructive behavior. Staying in a relationship like this, and/or allowing myself to be recycled again is like standing next to a grenade and waiting for it to explode knowing that it eventually will.

[jayboy336]

Battling thoughts like "If only I just loved her a little more or done this and that". Even though its day one of the break up cycle, I need it to be done for good. I have spent more than a year of my life trying to love this woman with everything that I have and I dont have anything to show for it.

you need to accept that there was NOTHING you could have done. You were fighting an unwinnable battle, nothing would ever had led to a different ending. Maybe a different route, but the ending is always the same because the disorder always wins. ALWAYS. It is tragic, but it is what it is.

Jayboy,

Your story is so hurtful. I could have written it myself. Minus a few details our stories are identical in regard to the push pulls/recycles/professions of deep love, need, and "this time will be different."

I went through the VERY same. I knew nothing about BPD during the r/s and just got dragged in deeper and deeper and deeper. As we say here, down that rabbit hole.

I felt incredibly responsible for my expBPD.  He found caring in me and then upped the ante every moment thereafter in ways much as yours.  I was beholden to be the only one he ever had who cared for him as I did. His abuse in childhood was entrusted early on to me. In fact, his entire life seemed to be entrusted to me, very early on     Logic gave way to chaos, emotional exhaustion, confusion, heartache, concern, and ultimately a full lose of myself.

He ebbed and flowed between me and his then ex as yours did with other partners. It would be exactly as your situation. Honeymoon, deeper bonding every time, mutual tears, deeper one-ness, then, about 4 weeks in he split me. Just like yours. Dropped me on my head. Overnight. Would ignore me, lie to me, appear that he literally forgot me, overnight, and resume his r/s with this then ex.  

I was not aware nor would I EVER had believed there were others during the r/s but now that I know what I know, I am sure there were.

He would tell me many of the things yours has. How they were bonding, sex, etc, but that it was all just for show. It meant nothing. He was IN LOVE, you see, WITH ME.  The other r/s meant little. He had to do certain things "there" to detach fully so he could get to me.  

He was just having so much trouble making that full commitment to the woman he waited his entire life for.   

He was working on it, each and every time he would recycled me. Sobbing. Bc our time apart only showed him how much he could never be without me.   

He would threaten suicide   , OD'ed a few times and I was the one who spend the entire ordeal worrying and sick with grief for him.

He would cling and pull me so much closer each time he split me white.  I was like you, so confused, so hurt, so full of missing, so very in love with this man, and had NO idea what was going on.  I had lost so much of myself to only being concerned for his well being in every way. 

It shattered my heart to see how easily he could go from the warmth of our one-ness to leaving me with no sign of hurt at all. It was surreal. This emotional mess of a man could become this strong man and just get up and walk away from me.  Then, like yours, as I would be struggling with all the emotions you have, he would reappear, wash, rinse, repeat.

I could say NOTHING during those times to "upset him." Jokingly, like you, I might say something and that would cause him to immediately split me with intense arrogance and spite.  It was ok for him to say, do, feel, act any way he needed to. But me, no. I had to just take whatever was served and give more.

I was ASTONISHED the last time he split me black and ultimately abandoned me. He made it so very clear during that last recycle that so much would never happen again. I mean, abundantly clear, bc I was like you, and pretty much done, not really giving in to take him back.  I was fooled yet again. I gave in yet again. He came back in the most convincing way. Day and night. Honeymoon or all honeymoon. We talked about his past behavior and the hurt it imposed on me to endure. He would beg me to look him "in the eye" and tell him i KNEW he would not do that again.  I had to tell him I believed him.  We just were never going to be apart again.

Another 4 weeks went by. I could feel the difference/ disregulating the day he left for good. I knew it was coming by the unspoken feeling I had with him that day. The way he looked at me. The way he was clearing distancing himself that day.  I went to hug him and he didn't hug back. I looked at him and he told me that he knew I thought I was better than him and that I was going to leave him. I stared at him without saying a word and tears trickled down my face. I asked him why, again, was he saying these things to me.  He couldn't find words. He just stared and said "Im sorry."  Then he left and he never came back.

When I saw him a short time later ( of course I went to find him) I told him I was appalled and that I would not be back coming back again.  He baited me on and off for months and each time was meaner and colder.

Today, well over a year later, he acts like I am a total stranger. As if I do not even exist nor ever did.  He's back with his then ex and I know he tried zealously to gain new supply almost immediately after he split me for good that last day. 

This r/s was the most devastating experience of my life. I wish I could have stayed stronger with my boundaries and NOT let him back in those many times I fell for his manipulations. I lost much to this and I have worked very hard with all the tools here, in T, and NC.  NC is the strongest tool that helps to heal. Protect. And regain your life.

Our ex's are very sick ppl. They will not change bc of or for us.

It was love, don't struggle to try to rethink that.  But, for us, we truly know how to give and receive love. They did the best they can as the disorder is triggered by love and all the rest bcomes the r/s hell.

The gift of this experience has been immense self inventory and recovery to a much stronger sense of self protection and respect.  My boundaries are clean cut now. I know why I was attracted to him and vise versa and why I bcame as codependent as he did.  That was the hidden gift for the heartache and heartbreak and hurt.

I hope you can utilize all the support here to work through. It is horrific, what they do.  It indeed is a serious disorder.

Give it back. Work on you. Get off the ride. And be gentle in your healing.

You could not have changed a thing. And you won't change a thing for the better if you go back for more.

Sending 

Hello there! Wow, I cannot believe how similar our stories are. It makes me think that it is simply some survival mechanism that they do. To lure us back in. Professing change and that things will be better. They can look you straight into the eyes, peering into your soul it seems, and convince you that things will be different. They will show you change. They will convince you that you are in tune with their feelings and that they are being 100 percent honest. My partner told me that she would never lie to me after being exposed so many times for lying and was as honest as she could be but like you said, the disorder always wins. As wonderful as love is, it cannot cure what these individuals have.

     Its a hard thing to cope, having to let go of all of the deep emotional feelings that I have for her. So many plans for the future. Ambitions, vacation trips, goals in life, our hopes and dreams all shattered. Every "I love you with all of my heart" and "I am never leaving you this time. I realize now that I need you" keeps echoing in my head as I fight off the tears. Naturally, feelings of betrayal come into play but I must see that this is a legitimate, destructive emotional disorder and there was nothing I could do. That the worst thing I can do now is keep having contact with her and having her suck me in because she knows exactly which string to pull in order to do so. Thank you for sharing your story