BPD Girlfriend just dumped me by text

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Woke up this morning and she texted me asking me not to come to her birthday party tonight. Said we should see each other anymore. Last night she asked if I was coming still. Got the text and that was it. bad week as I buried a friend Monday and now this. I am about had it with life myself after getting this... . . Is texting to end a relationship ever cool? who does that?

[cheaptrick]

Woke up this morning and she texted me asking me not to come to her birthday party tonight. Said we should see each other anymore. Last night she asked if I was coming still. Got the text and that was it. bad week as I buried a friend Monday and now this. I am about had it with life myself after getting this... . . Is texting to end a relationship ever cool? who does that?

[Veronykah]

Short answer? Yes.

I was broken up with via text, via Facebook, on the phone, in person and in a letter.

Mine flipped out recently and broke up with me after I had to put my dog to sleep and lost my job, so you are not alone in being in a bad place. I'm so sorry yours in a jerk like all the rest.

F her and her stupid party.

[dillan6241]

I'm sorry that happened and I do think it's normal as they use texting as a means to avoid the guilt of breaking up with you and causing pain. I was gone for a week and my ex found it the perfect time to break up with me via text and moved all her stuff out and took some of my stuff to move in with her "friend." I was so hurt and so pissed I blocked her out till she had to get some of her stuff ... . I saw her once and she wouldn't even talk to me, just took her stuff and left. I know she's not thinking about me ... . One day she tells me she loves and the very next, she's gone.

Sad ... . True but what can do done, I believe that no matter what I would have done it would've ended the same. She was just looking for an excuse and she found one, my week trip away. I know it may seem counter intuitive for nons but I've been nc for almost four months and not peep from her... . I just want her to forget me honestly, which she has.

I don't think these people can handle the guilt ... . She told me she felt bad, shame you know because she looks bad ... . But there's no authentic guilt ever. No empathy and no normal emotions of any kind for someone she spent four years with. Oh well

[Red Sky]

Yeah, my theory would be that texting is good for pwBPD because it's like a way of avoiding both confrontation and intimacy at once. Eliminates guilt, shame, anger... . I'm very sorry that this happened to you 

[myself]

Proper? No.

Common? Yes.

Texts are also short and shallow.

Used this way as hooks and hammers.

Here and gone, like the feelings they're from.

Who does this? Someone selfish.

[Narellan]

Yes I think it's common with BPD. My ex doesn't text so I got a 3 word phone call. " we're just friends" often it's when you are going through issues or something highly emotional they can't deal with. They run.

I doubt this is the end of your relationship unless she has replaced you. I would count on her contacting you again, so you need to decide where you want things to go from there. Is this the first time she's " dumped" you? If its BPD she will more than likely come back for a recycle. I notice you're on the leaving board. Is that the path you wish to take?

I'm really sorry to hear of your pain. We are here for you 

[Octoberfest]

Proper? No.

Common? Yes.

Texts are also short and shallow.

Used this way as hooks and hammers.

Here and gone, like the feelings they're from.

Who does this? Someone selfish.

I broke up with my BPDex the final time via text... . Granted we were 140 miles apart and I broke up with her because I found out she was cheating on me again... . If I had been smart I would have sat on the information for another day when she was supposed to drive the 2 hours down to see me, and as soon as she got there told her to get back in her car and drive out of my life 

[charred]

Yes its common, no its not right... . and if you deeply broke up about it and not wanting to be apart... . do nothing.

I recycled with my gf at least 7-8 times... often with her dumping me via a phone message or something like that. She then would block my number on her phone, unfriend me on FB, etc. If I chased after her she would accuse me of being a stalker, etc. Eventually I got to the point of thinking "good riddance"... and ignored her and she turned stalker.

Helped to see a T... for me, eventually I ended it and stuck to my guns. For 18 months nothing... and she started texting a week or so ago... ignoring it.

Think of how a 3 yr old would act... and you will be right most the time.

Good luck.

[cheaptrick]

Thanks everybody. I buried a friend Monday and then made it over to give my then girlfriend flowers for her birthday.  She was sad that I may not have been able to make it to her birthday party tonight due to an event that she knew about prior.  I said I would be there for sure. I see her last night and she asked again. I say yes. I then send a text asking her what time the party starts. I get this back.

"I think it would be best if you didn't come to the party. For both of our best interests, I don't think we should see each other".  I them tell her that this was disrespectful and she said she couldn't tell me until we meet and why she sent it. I find that there is no man and that she said she just can't be in a relationship with me now and wants out.  This is a women who told me last week that she loves me deeply and I am the best man she has ever been with. Then this.  She said something happened in the last 24 hours and she has to now tell me in person.she said it's not another man and I was great to her. She said her past and her fears and insecurities makes her undatable. I am at a liss. I think I better get out while I can and if she calls me and wants to meet should in stay NC and not give her the benefit of my listening given how she did this and discarded me and right before her party.  Should I stay clear and stay NC? Thanks. Having lost a friend to suicide and then dumped the same week is nearly unbearable. The irony is my friend who was a beautiful woman hung herself over a failed relationship.  Sad and so emotional I wonder is she felt this same way before hanging herself and wishes she had gone to this board for help. I feel so sad but known it won't last but didn't need treated like this at this time. Thank you all. Love.

[Narellan]

I think you are on the right track Harvej. No contact is the best way to heal. Your friends suicide must be devastatating to you. I am so sad for you. Big hugs  

You can't rely on someone with BPD to support you emotionally. Maybe your BPD gf has been triggered by this suicide. She has shown she can't be there for you when you need her.

Keep posting on the boards at this time and know we are all here for you.

Often people with BPD can't stand not being the centre of attention so she may also be dealing with feelings of jealousy that you are grieving your other friend. It's so complicating the way they process their emotions. Do you have other friends at this time to talk to?

Peace  

[cheaptrick]

No I don't have any available at this time.

I have lots of friends but they are on vacation and I do not want to disrupt them. I thank you for your help. So she sent a text wanting to talk live in person.  So it's best to stay no contact and just blown her off? A part of me doesn't want to give her any justification or hear her excuse for such bad treatment. So please let me know what the best course of action is since she texted me wanting to talk.  I really could use a pep talk as to what to do. Allow her a forum or stay no contact and let her bake and me heal . Thank you for being an AMBASSADOR. You may be saving a life here. Thank you.

[Narellan]

It's so hard for you to make a decision this big at the moment. You are really going through a rough time. Be kind to tourself and put yourself first at the moment. I would say no contact for the time being. I don't think you need any drama or criticism or any negative stuff. You need peace. And time to grieve.

Put the BPD gf on the back burner. She's cut you off for now, you don't need to know her reasons. At this time you really needed her and she turned away. She can't help you at the moment, anything further from her will send you into a deeper depression. You don't have to make any decision about your future with her now. That can wait.

I will say she wants contact to justify her decision which will mean insult and pain to you. So yes for now, don't respond to anything. No contact means social media, phone calls/ texts or answering the door to her. Look after yourself for now.

Big hugs to you  

[Veronykah]

I'm going to also agree with the vote for NC. If she is BPD she is not contacting you with anything that is going to make you feel better especially after how she has already acted.

Would someone who really loves you do that to you after your friend died? Would it be about THEM at all? I think you already know the answer.

I let me uBPDexbf back in my life as my dog was dying a few weeks ago, it felt so good to have him there and he was doing all the right things and it took him a total of I think 4 days before he started a fight with me. Then a week and a half after putting my dog of 10 years to sleep he went ballistic with ZERO compassion for what I was dealing with (also lost my job of 6 years) and broke up with me. This was last week. All I really got was "I'm sorry you lost your best friend, your dog but what about MEEEEEE and what you did to me!" Seriously. And what I "did" was nothing.

Stay away from her right now especially. Trust me. You don't need to get involved in her drama. You need to grieve your friend and she will just put the focus on her and it's not what you need right now.

I'm sorry about your friend and hope being here is of some help to you. It sucks to be alone and have to deal with all of this. Just know that all of us here DO understand, if that helps. 

[Infared]

Quoting Dillian:

"I don't think these people can handle the guilt ... . She told me she felt bad, shame you know... . because she looks bad ... . But there's no authentic guilt ever. No empathy and no normal emotions of any kind for someone she spent four years with. Oh well"

I experienced exactly the same thing... . Mine never even told me she felt bad.  Just left the F'ing week before Christmas? Said that there was no one. Of course there was someone. . It was like she was just changing her socks or something after living with me for years. God it just devastated me.

Harvej... . I would say block her in anyway that you can... so you do not receive any more texts from her. Do whatever you need to do to take care of and love YOU. I talked to mine a very few times after and she was someone that I did not know... . someone that I never met... . it was soo upsetting. She was cold, condescending and smug when we did talk.  She will occasionally (we are talking years of total NC now... all by my efforts) try to "ambush" me in a store parking lot and I just get away and never engage or talk to her.  What could there possibly be to say?  I would say to you to not talk to her at all... . I will end up being bad for YOU. It always was for me. The person that I had known and loved had just vanished? The person looked like her talked like her, but she was someone else. Totally.  How do you EVER wrap your head around that?

If yours is BPD just don't engage in any way. It will be hard on you. My heart goes out to you.

"Think of how a 3 yr old would act... and you will be right most the time."

Charred has it just about right.  At least that is what I experienced.

[Blimblam]

mine texted me she was going to dump me like she was texting her friends before she came over to do it in person I think she may have even sent it as a ___ing group message to a few of her friends.  Even as she did it it was like she wasn't even mad at me.  The connection was still there.  It was so confusing I didn't think it was over. And in so many ways it wasn't it just her way of feeling free of any kind of guilt for doing whatever she wanted as she strung me along.  By keeping in touch with her I experienced a living hell.

[Infared]

Yeah... . mine ran off and was with someone else... . but in the end it was "me" that truly ended the relationship by total NC?  Really bizarre and incredibly painful experience. Wish I did not know something like this is even possible.  Just wish I didn't know that people are like this.

Rough stuff.

[heartandwhole]

No I don't have any available at this time.

I have lots of friends but they are on vacation and I do not want to disrupt them. I thank you for your help. So she sent a text wanting to talk live in person.  So it's best to stay no contact and just blown her off? A part of me doesn't want to give her any justification or hear her excuse for such bad treatment. So please let me know what the best course of action is since she texted me wanting to talk.  I really could use a pep talk as to what to do. Allow her a forum or stay no contact and let her bake and me heal . Thank you for being an AMBASSADOR. You may be saving a life here. Thank you.

harvej,

I'm am so sorry to hear about your friend's suicide, and then this sudden breakup, that is so very painful.    Goodness, you need some support right now.  Please reach out to your friends, I'm sure they would want to know how you are.  Can you talk to your family, and/or a T?

I agree that right now, your well being and healing is priority #1.  You can briefly and politely tell your ex that you need some time now to deal with your loss.  Make this time about you, harvej, and your needs. 

Are you getting enough sleep and eating well?  The little things right now help a lot.

Keep posting and let us know how you are faring.

[cheaptrick]

Thank you Heart. I have not slept much and my eating is sparse. But  am getting used to what happened and I am very alarmed by how it was done and the apparent lack of any decency or empathy displayed. NOW she send mea text stating that she wants to meet and talk and so she can explain why she did what she did via text vs in person. She said her phone was bugged and she didn't want to have a conversation breaking it off due to somebody listening in on her talk with me. I am a telecom expert and know this is impossible on a cell phone. What I think is that I embarrassed her for using text and being so callus and she is embarrassed now. So HEART and others? Do I meet with her to listen to her reasons? She said she wants to be friends but not interested in a relationship at this time. I am ok with that, but who does this 12 hours after telling me she loves me and inviting me to her party? Another odd behavior is that she would start draining tears so often over nothing I would ask what is wrong and she said she didn't know, but tears would flow. I am thinking she is very damaged. I have left her alone and have not heard back from her, but do expect her to reach out to "clear the air". Should I just stay NC and blow her off? I fear her excuse will either make me laugh or upset me as it all feel so phony and unreal from somebody that spent every single day and night together and texting sweet nothing every single day to a 100% devaluation in less than 24 hours. I really don't think she is seeing anybody else, but fear she might be that type that scuttle relationships out of fear and insecurities as she alluded to often. She always tried to warn me she would get outrageously jealous and was insecure, and she is right. So do BPD do this type of thing often? Should I remain NC and disappear for ever immediately?

[Narellan]

Hey Harvej   

Do you need to hear reasons/ lies for her behaviour? I think it will cause you pain which you really don't need ATM so if you feel ok about it I would ignore her. Stay NC. What can she possibly say that will justify her actions? She's still taking the line that she doesn't want to be with you, just friends. But even friends don't turn there back on friends in need... .

You don't have to take my advice tho. But this is typical BPD behaviour. If you agree to meet up she's likely to cancel or not show, and if she does show shell be telling you what's wrong with you that she can't be with you, or some such story possibly based on lies.

You won't get closure. Bpd's rarely cut all ties. They want you hanging there for them for when they need you again. My ex ditched me 4 times in 4 months, the final time saying were just friends, then not a word from him for 3 months because he's trying to seduce my best friend.

I went from me being the one he's waited his whole life for, to nothing in it, just friends within a half hour. He's come to my door since ( I suspect to draw me back in) but I wasn't home and I've remained NC. He's probably telling my ex best friend she's the love of his life now.

It nearly killed me. And I'll never give him the opportunity to hurt me again.

If you read other members stories this is a familiar thread. It's what they do.

Cut and run and blame you.

I would really try hard to avoid her and focus on yourself.

Peace and love xx

[cheaptrick]

Thank you Narellan. I see your point. Even if we do meet and discuss why, its only to make herself feel better IF she is capable of remorse. I guess I am more upset that she discarded me after I had such a horrible week for her own selfish reasons. She said she just wanted to be friends now and did this in short order like you were treated. I want to just tell her off, but do you think in a ironic way, NC is a better revenge tactic for these types? I don't want revenge, but wouldn't mind if one byproduct of NC was to make them think how bad they treated us.

[enlighten me]

NOW she send mea text stating that she wants to meet and talk and so she can explain why she did what she did via text vs in person. She said her phone was bugged and she didn't want to have a conversation breaking it off due to somebody listening in on her talk with me.

This is something that I have noticed with my uBPDexgf she doesn't want anything in writing. Whether it is that she is scared to leave any evidence of her wrong doing or the fact that writing it down makes it solid and therefor real.

I think it is the later as words disappear on the wind like smoke and they have used the spoken word all their life to get their way so they are comfortable with it.

[Infared]

"It nearly killed me. And I'll never give him the opportunity to hurt me again.

If you read other members stories this is a familiar thread. It's what they do.

Cut and run and blame you.

I would really try hard to avoid her and focus on yourself."

It REALLY identify with Narellan's quote.   This is EXACTLY what I experienced.  Harvej I would tell you to "watch her actions" to see who she is... do not listen to "any" of her words. Now, this is not easy to do when "you" have been in a caring loving relationship with someone ... . It was soo hard to really take this advice from my T... . I spent 5 years with this person, I trusted them... . when they spoke I always believed that they were genuine.  I HAD to throw that out completely for self preservation. Very, very painful to own that you cannot believe a word the pwBPD says. Really painful... . I needed a lot of time to process this... . and over time I slowly "got on the page" that anything that came out of her mouth was suspect, or self-centered.

We cannot "fix" them or help either. In my experience... .as much as I wish it were not true, we can only take care of ourselves.  The pwBPD doesn't think that there is anything wrong with them... . after all ... . everything was ALL your fault. There is nothing to work with there.

[heartandwhole]

I want to just tell her off, but do you think in a ironic way, NC is a better revenge tactic for these types? I don't want revenge, but wouldn't mind if one byproduct of NC was to make them think how bad they treated us.

Hi harvej,

It's perfectly understandable and normal to feel angry at the way she broke it off, and want to tell her off.  I'd feel the same.  NC is for you, not to elicit any responses or feelings in your partner.  It's a time out from distractions so that you can get your emotional (and physical) bearings again, and start to heal.

If you don't want to see her, I would try to focus as much as you can on what you are feeling and doing, not on her and what she's up to.  If you are concerned that she will badger you for contact, you could simply tell her (or text her) that you need some space right now to recover, and that you won't be responding to any more messages for the moment.

I know it's hard, you have been through so much, and to be blindsided like this just adds to an already difficult situation. 

We're here to support you through this, harvej.