Help need encouragement with his moving van here all day...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This #$€ van has been here four times today. All day,  he has to put his Harley in the street, have some friends come by, and I am mortified - what are my neighbors thinking,  and him walking around like the mayor,  ha ha, I'm so happy moving out of here. At one point, I just opened the door and yelled rudely "Here's your mail", threw it on the front porch,  and slammed the door, so the neighbors would get the drift. How can they be so hurtful?  I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and kept telling myself not to cry. He is an emotionless SOB. Does he really feel nothing?

[topknot]

This #$€ van has been here four times today. All day,  he has to put his Harley in the street, have some friends come by, and I am mortified - what are my neighbors thinking,  and him walking around like the mayor,  ha ha, I'm so happy moving out of here. At one point, I just opened the door and yelled rudely "Here's your mail", threw it on the front porch,  and slammed the door, so the neighbors would get the drift. How can they be so hurtful?  I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and kept telling myself not to cry. He is an emotionless SOB. Does he really feel nothing?

[patientandclear]

He would prefer not to feel anything, and I'm sure the show is largely for his own benefit.

You've been around this racetrack before.  You know that eventually he will feel differently than whatever feelings are motivating today's performance and the events of the past month or so.  He will regret, want to restart, he will tell you he's changed and learned so much. Indifference will be replaced by eager helpfulness.  Callousness will be replaced by sincerity.

Is that comforting or not comforting?  I don't know if it even should be comforting, as it makes all of those feeling states seem pretty arbitrary and not much at all about you.

But for what it's worth, this is just a momentary framework he's got on that suits what he needs to move through this particular chapter.

[topknot]

Thank you, patientandclear,  for your usual wisdom. I checked the garage when he left. 95% of the stuff is gone. But wait now, there are wardrobes of clothes,  some framed Michael Jordan jersey, etc. Stuff you wouldn't leave. He texts me, oh, it wouldn't fit in my car.  Be back during the week. But the moving van left the last time not full - why didn't they take it? And he kept putzing around in the driveway like he didn't want to leave. Do they know they create 80  million reasons to not cut the tie?

[patientandclear]

That's pretty classic.  The moving is in part, weirdly, to reconnect with you (hoping to make you feel pain about the loss, feel what you are losing) and then the leaving stuff is to ensure he can do it again, come back, not be finally separated.

About 6 months ago I asked for a change in my r/ship with my ex that ended up causing us to part for good.  He was very angry -- seemingly a combination of feeling I was calling him out on bad behavior, and feeling that I was threatening to withdraw from our uncategorized relationship (he had a girlfriend, I was an emotionally intimate "friend" by then) unless he did make some changes.  Anyway.  Point is, he was really really mad. So mad he basically told me to have a nice life.

But not quite.  Like your ex leaving the Michael Jordan jersey, mine tucked into his farewell note a comment about how maybe we'd get together again sometime in the future.  Like, for dinner.

?

Those things really didn't belong together.

Sure enough, 5 months down the road, he suggested we get together.  Like, for dinner.

Once you crack the code it is so easy to see these patterns of extreme push BUT them leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to come back.  If I'd understood it from the beginning I'd have been able to ignore the push and just wait for him to follow the breakcrumb trail.  Before I figured it out though, there was so much damage that I don't think it can be repaired now.

Sorry you had such a hard day.  

[coleen83]

Im so sorry. I can imagine how hard that would be and the feelings you are experiencing. The more I read this board, the more I see how much I have in common with all of you and I feel less alone. Seems like people with BPD all act very similar. I hope things can quiet down for you and you can regain peace and serenity within the coming months. My thoughts are with you.