Does the mental exhaustion ever leave?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

So, was thinking a bit about it today.

My xhwBPD contacted me yesterday (back on the Thursday theory, it seems!), wanting me to send him some administrative crap.

I'm not doing it. I'm not his secretary.

But just that one line email is so, SO draining. I feel like grabbing him by the collar, slapping him a few times, and shouting, ":)o it YOURSELF, you whiney, self-centered, incompetent little man-brat! How STUPID are you that you think I'd lift a FINGER for you, after everything you've put me through? I haven't one SHRED of energy to devote to ANY of your requests, so kindly put on your big-girl panties and man the F up, would you?"

But the anger subsides pretty quickly and I'm left feeling drained again. As if to say, "Really? I mean, how long are you going to keep trying to get something, ANYTHING out of me? Did your therapy even give you an inkling that I might be at my wits end with you, and really don't even want to fetch you so much as a tissue if you were to sneeze all over yourself?"

I know his therapy didn't work much (it did for things like his job, and less intimate areas of his life), but he's still a complete control freak and endless, demanding, self-centered soul-sucking parasite in every other area of his life. He still tries to bully, control, manipulate and harass me.

How do you combat the sense of being drained by so little, at this stage of recovery? I try to force myself to ignore it, to "fake it till I make it" by distracting myself. But sometimes it still gets under my skin and makes me feel as though I've just run a mental marathon.

What do you do to keep from feeling drained?

[MommaBear]

Hi all,

So, was thinking a bit about it today.

My xhwBPD contacted me yesterday (back on the Thursday theory, it seems!), wanting me to send him some administrative crap.

I'm not doing it. I'm not his secretary.

But just that one line email is so, SO draining. I feel like grabbing him by the collar, slapping him a few times, and shouting, ":)o it YOURSELF, you whiney, self-centered, incompetent little man-brat! How STUPID are you that you think I'd lift a FINGER for you, after everything you've put me through? I haven't one SHRED of energy to devote to ANY of your requests, so kindly put on your big-girl panties and man the F up, would you?"

But the anger subsides pretty quickly and I'm left feeling drained again. As if to say, "Really? I mean, how long are you going to keep trying to get something, ANYTHING out of me? Did your therapy even give you an inkling that I might be at my wits end with you, and really don't even want to fetch you so much as a tissue if you were to sneeze all over yourself?"

I know his therapy didn't work much (it did for things like his job, and less intimate areas of his life), but he's still a complete control freak and endless, demanding, self-centered soul-sucking parasite in every other area of his life. He still tries to bully, control, manipulate and harass me.

How do you combat the sense of being drained by so little, at this stage of recovery? I try to force myself to ignore it, to "fake it till I make it" by distracting myself. But sometimes it still gets under my skin and makes me feel as though I've just run a mental marathon.

What do you do to keep from feeling drained?

[Artisan]

I don't do anything to not feel drained.

It happens almost every time there is any kind of emotional contact with her. 

There has been a few times we have related recently where I've felt better, I can count twice in the past few months.

It is the primary reason for going mostly NC/ very limited LC (texting only); I was able to observe that anytime I relate to her ... .I feel bad, exhausted, drained, and if it goes too far, very negative and will hide in my room all day.

The only way I've been able to work with the exhaustion is sleep and to honor my need for attention, companionship, compassion ... .and to give those to myself and mostly avoid the dynamics that inevitably arise whenever I communicate with her.

It takes me about three days to feel bright again.

The mental and emotional energy that I have given to her, and give to her when communicating or simply THINKING about her or our past, it all goes away. Any reserve I build when focusing on my life and self-nurturing disappears.

NC is _really really_ essential for this exact reason ; with NC the mental exhaustion DOES GO AWAY! Huzzah! 

[woodsposse]

 

Honestly... .I don't try to stop from feeling drained.  

In my humble opinion - the only way to it is through it.  Lean into it and let it happen.  Yes, you will be drained.  But it is what it is.  

TRUST ME... .it eventually subsides.  

I don't know how far out you are, but even when mine was out and gone and with someone else (and having babies with my replacements) - she still kept popping around (and I let her).  And the arguments were the same... .she just didn't get it.  Until I finally realized that it was me who was allowing it to continue... .then I detached and it has been pretty freaking awesome since then!

[MommaBear]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

NC is not an option since we have a 2y/o. Believe me, if NC were an option, I'd embrace it, happily! I'd enforce it with joy and gusto! I'm pretty far out, been about a year and a half (some recycles in between), but about a year since the last recycle.

LC is what I'm aiming for, but he cares more about details (the divorce, paperwork, when and how I lied about this, about that, about who, about when, blah blah blah ... .) than our child. I posted this on the co-parenting board, because communication with him is annoying as anything.

I get maybe 10 words about our kid, and 20000000 about the divorce, paperwork, he said/she said nonsense, it never ends.

I try to refuse to partake, but even that is draining and just a huge waste of my time and energy.

I envy those of you who have NC as an option.

Anyway, I'm going to try and combat the exhaustion as best I can. I know it gets easier, I think I just need to develop a better degree of indifference.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi MommaBear, I'm LC too with my BPDxW.  If I give her the opportunity, she slams me every time, so I have to set boundaries.  I don't take calls from her.  When she sends me an email, unless it pertains to our children, I immediately move it to a separate folder marked for later.  Maybe I'll review it later, maybe not.  It's frustrating for her, I know, but she cried wolf so many times that she has lost her credibility.  I don't miss the drama.  LuckyJim

[woodsposse]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

NC is not an option since we have a 2y/o. Believe me, if NC were an option, I'd embrace it, happily! I'd enforce it with joy and gusto! I'm pretty far out, been about a year and a half (some recycles in between), but about a year since the last recycle.

LC is what I'm aiming for, but he cares more about details (the divorce, paperwork, when and how I lied about this, about that, about who, about when, blah blah blah ... .) than our child. I posted this on the co-parenting board, because communication with him is annoying as anything.

I get maybe 10 words about our kid, and 20000000 about the divorce, paperwork, he said/she said nonsense, it never ends.

I try to refuse to partake, but even that is draining and just a huge waste of my time and energy.

I envy those of you who have NC as an option.

Anyway, I'm going to try and combat the exhaustion as best I can. I know it gets easier, I think I just need to develop a better degree of indifference.

Ah, yes, it is a little more challenging when you have young ones involved.  In that case... .oh man... .uhm... .vent here on the board among people who totally get it and understand is probably a great option.   

[MommaBear]

Hi MommaBear, I'm LC too with my BPDxW.  If I give her the opportunity, she slams me every time, so I have to set boundaries.  I don't take calls from her.  When she sends me an email, unless it pertains to our children, I immediately move it to a separate folder marked for later.  Maybe I'll review it later, maybe not.  It's frustrating for her, I know, but she cried wolf so many times that she has lost her credibility.  I don't miss the drama.  LuckyJim

Oh, I know what you mean by crying wolf, and not answering emails!

If it's got nothing to do with the little one, I just can't hack it. Sucks the life out of me. And to an outsider, their requests seems so harmless, don't they? Just a little favor here, just a bit of clarification on this issue, just answer me one question ... .blah blah blah. ... .

Unless I see some dramatic, long term, significant evidence to show that he's undergone therapy, healed, come to terms with his d/o and is willing tto face the damage he's caused like a man, I don't trust a thing he says or does.

[Overbeck]

The mental exhaustion does not leave me. It is killing me as I type these words.

I lived in a hamster's wheel for 7 years, trying everything I could to find the proper way to love my ex. It never occurred to me during the dark days that the answer was to stop.

Now that I am trying to overcome the quiet time, I am ready to pass out.

I think I will be OK. But mentally I just want to sleep for days.

[refusetosuccumb]

I'm 3 months out of 16 yrs.  I'm still very mentally drained.  I wish I could have a few days of uninterrupted sleep.  But with 2 kiddos and a full time job it's just not possible.  I do my best to take what relaxation I can get.

LC is all I can have for now.  I'm looking forward to going NC in a few years when the kiddos are older.  He takes them 2 days a week now in the summer.  The kids and him have had a good time, but I'm anxious for a few days before and drained for a few days after.  My only real relief is Thursday after I pick up the kids until Sunday when I realize I have to interact with him on Monday.  I have the quick drop off and pick up down to a science.

Mine is in the "I'm going to prove to you I'm different so you'll take me back" mode.  Some days I just wished he'd paint me black or get a girlfriend.  I keep telling him we are never reconciling, but until he finds a replacement he's focused on winning me back. 

Good luck, it will get better.  That's what everyone here tells me  

[willy45]

It subsides. I'm feeling on the other side. You will get there. Just don't talk to him.