Saw her go past today...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Didn't see me, but was at the shops with another guy who look old but loaded... she looked amazing, must have lost 10kg and was glowing.

Almost instant depressed state and near panic attack... .thought I was doing so much better and over it bar the occasional moment when I miss the occasional good times...

Argh!

[Jb101]

Didn't see me, but was at the shops with another guy who look old but loaded... she looked amazing, must have lost 10kg and was glowing.

Almost instant depressed state and near panic attack... .thought I was doing so much better and over it bar the occasional moment when I miss the occasional good times...

Argh!

[Tausk]

Hey Jb:  I'm sorry you feel badly.   That sounds so very hard.  And it's harder when are exes are so beautiful.  

Because when they are beautiful, they are simply so pure, like that of a three year old.  But that's it.  They are three year olds.  It was never real.   And remember, even when we thought things were going well in the interaction, things were never proceeding like we believed.  

Our exes were thinking one thing and we were thinking something else.  

But, it still stabs deep.  What we see is the physical manifestation of our abuser, lover, and meaning in life. But the spirit of the person we knew, is no longer there.   The body is there, but not the abandoned child we wanted to rescue.

But I know it hurts.  It hurts so deep, I could hardly breathe when I saw my ex. But it gets better.  Keep working on yourself, and slowly it will change.  We recover and find our own path and power, free from the Disorder.

 

[Frankcostello]

Jb:

It takes time to get to the point where you can see your ex and it won't phase you.  When I was about 7 months of nc with my exBPDgf I saw her walking from a distance and she saw me as well.  I just kept walking and didn't talk to her at that point because there was no need.  At that point I did want to talk to her and ask her why she had been so manipulative and why she had lied so much, but I didn't see the point in talking to her because I knew I wouldn't get the truth from her so I just kept walking for my own sanity.  I'm now over two years of nc and even if I saw her I wouldn't talk to her, nor do I miss her, I know who she is and what kind of person she is.  That's what has kept me going this whole time because I know what kind of person she is, and it wouldn't phase me if I saw her again nor would I care.  But I know it takes time to get to that point.  Hang in there it'll take you time to get to a point where if you saw her it wouldn't matter because you are doing great without her.

[OutOfEgypt]

Jb,

Sorry, man.  I know how it goes.  She's gotta keep her supply.  It's like fishing... .gotta make sure the lure is shiny and attractive to the fish.  Of course, you know it is a trap, and it is.  I know you are probably feeling that "she looks so good and seems so happy without me and I wish I had her," but you, by experience, know how there is a big, fat, barbed hook sunken in that hunk of flesh.  See what is, not what appears.  What *is* is what is real, not what appears.  They are masters at appearances.  But we know better.  It won't make it not hurt, but part of healing means we live in reality and stop letting them dictate reality.  Her beauty is a lie.

You know what real beauty is?  Real beauty is when you can sit with a woman, admire who they are, and *like* who *you* are when you are with them.  That is beauty.  A woman who can pull that out of a man is beautiful.  A beautiful woman is a woman who wants to bring out the best in you, not jockey for position to constantly control you and the relationship by using her beauty and sex to dominate.

When I think about my ex, I seriously cannot think of anything in her that is like that.  I struggle to think of any genuine character traits that I like -and that is not my resentment or anger talking.  That is plain truth, and it doesn't make me feel good to say it.  Even when I was married to her, I knew I loved her, but I couldn't really think of anything I admired about her at all.  What is there to admire about someone who brings such chaos to bear on people she claims to love, and who always fishes for attention by looking hot and acting "cutesy"?

What you feel is normal.  Been there.  You put your ex on a pedestal, but one that is not deserved.  Time to take her down.

[myself]

When I think of seeing my ex now, it would be like looking at a stranger wearing a costume. A walking talking pile of lies. Someone who abused me.

It makes me wonder if she would really be seeing me. I don't think she did when she was with me, even though she professed to (and I believed her for awhile). She didn't appreciate me for who I am. She warped everything to fit her disordered version of reality. She kept having me prove I was a good person, to the point where I was also trying to prove it to myself. But I knew it all along, just got caught up in the game.

I don't want to see her, and don't care how she sees me. If she's not being real with herself, how can she see me or anyone else as being real?

[Reforming]

Hi JB,

It's totally understandable that you feel shaken up.

But remember the reality of what it was actually like to live with her

Don't let yourself slip into magical thinking or crazy nostalgia

Consult your list of the darkest moments with her

Remember how she  treated you and remember the end.



Your replacement, is just that, a replacement.

Sooner or later after he's going to end up going through just what you did

And then he'll be replaced...

And the cycle will continue again and again until she can no longer attract replacements

Well done for stepping off the conveyor belt

[Caredverymuch]

Hi JB,

It's totally understandable that you feel shaken up.

But remember the reality of what it was actually like to live with her

Don't let yourself slip into magical thinking or crazy nostalgia

Consult your list of the darkest moments with her

Remember how she  treated you and remember the end.



Your replacement, is just that, a replacement.

Sooner or later after he's going to end up going through just what you did

And then he'll be replaced...

And the cycle will continue again and again until she can no longer attract replacements

Well done for stepping off the conveyor belt

Hi JB.  I am sorry for your experience and know how you feel. It hits like a kick in the stomach, doesn't it?  I saw my ex with the replacement out of the blue too.  This was one facet of BPD i had refused to believe.  That he might have all the other traits but was far too good of person to start a r/s with someone else after all of the pain he displayed to me in " losing me."  After he left me out of the blue, I was grieving so hard. I believed he was too. Knowing the really good man of integrity that he was. 

I passed him on a day my heart was full of grief in missing him. So shortly after he left. I saw that look on his face we all know. The child in delight of the new toy.  He was so preoccupied and had dissociated me in such a short period of time that he walked right by me.  Without noticing me. Truly. I was shocked, beyond shocked... .I can only describe it as being kicked in the stomach. That same feeling all over my body.  I pulled over and literally got sick.

Please dont hurt yourself further believing your ex's " beauty" is so show stopping.  There is no beauty in how these people behave. I used to think mine was the most beautiful man on earth.  Once he took off the mask, I see the only the real man.  I find him to be beyond repulsive and I dont say that lightly or with anger.  I see who he really is and always was. People's beauty on the inside matches their beauty on the outside.  Thats beauty. The rest is smoke and mirrors. Can you embrace this understanding?

You mention the replacement is older too.  I read that often you can tell a borderline by who they are taken with bc you will often see great disparity in age, physical appearance, etc. 

they need " supply".  Thats all it is.  The " person" is irrelevant.

And will be cheated on anyway.

I hope you continue to strengthen in knowing this.

[Jb101]

Thanks guys :-)

Just hurts so bad. And yeah I remember all the bad stuff and shudder. But I also remember when she briefly acknowledged the problem and was willing to do something, and there are times when I nostalgically wish she'd been willing to do something about it etc... .and rightly or wrongly I still miss the good times. Just it's tinged with a great deal of regret that so many things were bad. Like finding an amazing diamond and being happy for a while until you realised it was deeply flawed and you were allergic to it no matter how hard you tried.

Still recovering months on. Might sound stupid but for anybody who remembers the movie Topgun... .and the scene soon after Goose dies where the instructor tells somebody to 'just keep sending him up there'... .I'm a bit like that... .going through the motions, keeping myself doing things... .waiting for myself to suddenly click and feel better... .

So seeing her like that in this condition was just devastating.

[SpringInMyStep]

The same thing happened to me yesterday! I was sitting at the bar located in my building when I looked up and saw her walk by! She just moved out last week but has been dating a LOT, searching for her next victim. I'm sure she was walking home from a date where she probably got some guy to buy her a sandwich by letting him touch her boobs.

Ha. I guess I'm still a little angry?

But oddly enough, she didn't look at hot to me anymore. That felt good. It was very weird seeing her go by and I'd prefer not to see her, but we live in the same area and it's bound to happen, especially if she's dating a lot.

I just have to remind myself that I'm VERY happy without her and she sucked the life out of me for a year of my life that I can never get back. Ever! But every second of every day without her I just breathe huge sighs of relief that I'm free.