what are your thoughts

[willtimeheal]

I don't even know if this is the right board. My relationship with my BPD has been rocky from the start. Been together almost six years with many many break ups. This time I thought we had a chance. I have been in therapy for a while with a great therapist. She started therapy three months ago with a great therapist. She comes from an abusive alcoholic family. She herself is an alcoholic and can be verbally and emotionally abusive. Difference is I don't take the abuse anymore. I call her on it and walk away. I am so different now then I was before. I used to be so scared of the mood swings and I would do whatever to please her. Now I realize its about me too and my happiness.

We got back from vacation yesterday. She was brutal one day with the verbal abuse. I told her she was being abusive and she was mean. Well today I get a text telling from her saying we at  better off apart and that I act crazy at times and I will never change and I take drugs and a whole laundry list of stuff. As I read it I realized she was probably drinking, she is an alcoholic and hasn't drank as part of her therapy. So she probably crashed last night and I got the rant and was called all the things she hates about herself.

I am not sure  of the post. I guess I just want reassurance that this is projection. That this is how she sees herself... .alcoholic worthless unable to change. I know she blames me for her unhappiness but she was unhappy long before I met her. I am.just tired of the verbal abuse and the blaming. I know she is struggling but why is it necessary to hurt me in the process?

[antjs]

I don't even know if this is the right board. My relationship with my BPD has been rocky from the start. Been together almost six years with many many break ups. This time I thought we had a chance. I have been in therapy for a while with a great therapist. She started therapy three months ago with a great therapist. She comes from an abusive alcoholic family. She herself is an alcoholic and can be verbally and emotionally abusive. Difference is I don't take the abuse anymore. I call her on it and walk away. I am so different now then I was before. I used to be so scared of the mood swings and I would do whatever to please her. Now I realize its about me too and my happiness.

We got back from vacation yesterday. She was brutal one day with the verbal abuse. I told her she was being abusive and she was mean. Well today I get a text telling from her saying we at  better off apart and that I act crazy at times and I will never change and I take drugs and a whole laundry list of stuff. As I read it I realized she was probably drinking, she is an alcoholic and hasn't drank as part of her therapy. So she probably crashed last night and I got the rant and was called all the things she hates about herself.

I am not sure  of the post. I guess I just want reassurance that this is projection. That this is how she sees herself... .alcoholic worthless unable to change. I know she blames me for her unhappiness but she was unhappy long before I met her. I am.just tired of the verbal abuse and the blaming. I know she is struggling but why is it necessary to hurt me in the process?

she is projecting on you. no she does not see herself as alcoholic... .etc her disorder uses projection to deny the presence of these characteristics in her and to blame others instead of taking accountability for her behavior. why to hurt you ? because in her distorted thinking you are abusive now. borderlines do not have sense of self. they have to attach to someone to feel whole (ie you in this case). yet they later hate the attachments for "controlling" them and made them make something they did not want. its a complex process. try to read posts by a member here called 2010. you will understand the disorder well and you will begin to depersonalize what is happening to you and help you to detach.

[willtimeheal]

One thing bothers me a lot. She always asks me if a past bf (we are both women) has text me or if I have spoken to him in a while. Last week I took her kids for a walk and when I got back she said did you have fun talking to so and so. I haven't talked to him in ages. Last summer her and I broke up... .actually she started dating someone behind my back and then dropped it on me that she was was leaving me for him. Then she left him and got engaged to a man she hardly knew cuz he had money and thought she was beautiful. She told me she married him but never really did and finally after months of lying to me the truth that she wasn't married came out. It's so crazy. Anyways I always felt in my gut that something wasn't right that summer and I have felt that feeling again and now recently with all the have you talked to so and so garbage.

I am not crazy. I am a good talented and caring person. And I am now wondering with her masters antics if I even love her. Because honestly right now I can't stand her. She twists everything to fit her version and tries to make me seem crazy. She manipulates and uses. I feel sorry for her.

[antjs]

you should rather feel sorry for yourself and stop focusing on her. you have been giving her your ears after she left you, been with other 2 men. thats enmeshment. establish NC and strong boundaries. thats the right way to do it

[OutOfEgypt]

I am.just tired of the verbal abuse and the blaming. I know she is struggling but why is it necessary to hurt me in the process?

I'm sorry, my friend, for what you are going through.  My T has said it this way (paraphrasing): Borderlines externalize all of their inner conflicts.  They *must* find someone to dump it on and torment, else they will implode.  They *must* sabotage anything good they can ever have -why would someone so "shameful" deserve anything good?  And they keep doing it because it is engrained and unconscious, which is why reasoning with them doesn't really work.  It is their automatic way of relating.  And facing this about themselves is like staring directly into the sun, which is why so few ever get better.

What you do is ultimately up to you, and nobody has the right to judge it. You just have to decide what you want to live with.  While you may improve and be able to "deal with" it better, in some ways, this isn't an ego competition to prove how "strong" we are -not to them, not to others, and not to ourselves.  Who cares if we are "strong" enough"?  The question is... .why would you want to?  The other question is... .are we actually helping the situation or contributing to its dysfunction by staying?  You know her better than any of us what she is like.  Eventually the thrill of knowing you handled a situation "right" will die down, and you'll be left with a person who likely continues to act the way that she does regardless of how you are.  

[willtimeheal]

Thanks Egypt and Antony for your responses.

She continually tells me I haven't changed at all and I probably never will. I know I have changed. I see it and can feel it in myself. I am no longer that scared little girl I once was. I know that frightens her. That I am no longer under her "control" and I do want a better life for myself.

She told me today that she is sick of me telling her what is right and what is wrong. There is nothing wrong with her life and that she is adapted to it. And that it is not so bad. To men that doesn't sound like anyone who has made any changes.

The other kicker was when she called me petty. This actually lead to the whole hernbreakingbup with me. Her mower wouldn't start and I took mine back. So I am petty. I am sorry I just too her and her children on two vacations in the past three weeks. All she ever said on the vacations was "I want, I want... ."  Now I am the petty one.

Maybe I am. But after I have flipped the bill for the last six years for everything yeah I will say I am a little tired of it all and "I want" her to

be more careful financially.  She always has money for smokes and booze. 

[willtimeheal]

 She insulted me all day yesterday and broke up with me but then at night sends me a message that she misses me and for me to come over. what the heck?  I said no. So this morning I go  the rant of what a loser I am and I am a liar. But I am okay with it this time. I saw a very very ugly side of her last week and I knew then I deserved more. So as hard as it is her leaving me again I do know I am lucky and I should walk away. I feel it in my gut and hopefully this time I will have the strength and courage to.trust my gut.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm laughing as I read what you wrote -not because it is funny but because it is so familiar.  Wow.  Been there.  I used to get text-message rants.  Eventually I would just turn my phone off and lay it beside the couch (where I was obviously sleeping that night!).  I'd turn on my phone in the morning, and there would be something like 75 messages.  Later, it would be like nothing ever happened.  She'd be all sweet.  Then she would ask me if I read her messages.  I would laugh and say "No."  That would only set her off again, acting like I must "not care."  

Don't you know that if you really care you will take her abuse and like it? :P  Aren't you lucky?  You get to be her pack-mule for all the blame and insecurity she has.  How endearing :P

[willtimeheal]

Every morning I get a text just telling me I promised thks or that. Or telling me to have a nice day. Today I told her to have a nice day. She replied  told me I always make her feel inadequate and that I always give and then take back and then say she owes me. The owes thing has me a little angry. She does owe me. She owes me quite a bit of money. Money she asked to borrow and now when I asked for it back she throws the "you always say I owe you" line at me. Well you do owe me money. When you borrow something you are expect to give it back. This mentality I cannot deal with. The f upped mind crap they play. Do they know th  definition of borrow?  Lesson learned!