Why you must let go?

[Depression = 72% of members]

1. For your own health.

My physical ailments have increased so much, and the doctors did not have an idea. None asked me about mental stress. I did not know stress can affect body. Stupid me. Well, I found out that stress can cause a lot of physical ailments.

2. You deserve peace.

They are an addiction for us. The longer we know them, the more we crave them and allow them to recycle us. But imagine a life where you are no longer tip toeing around eggshells. Where you are no longer living in fear of what you might say or do that will result in a rage and splitting black.

3. You and your values are important.

You might have changed your religion, values, given up on family and friends while trying to take care of your pwBPD. But what about you? What about your hobbies, your interests, your goal? In a relationship, each partner should be supportive of each other. Respect each other's values/beliefs/dreams. Does a pwBPD do that for us?

4. It affects your job.

The kind of mistakes I have been making at work makes me ashamed of myself. It is pure brain freeze. It has been going on for too long. I am a graduate student doing research, so unless I go brain dead I won't be "fired". But if I was at a job, I would be fired by now. I would fire myself. I did an experiment on Monday and went over the results with my advisor. The math calculation errors I made to set up the experiment ashamed me. This isn't me. Her thoughts are affecting my performance at work. You cannot let it ruin your career.

These are many of an infinite reasons why you must let go. It doesn't mean hating them. If you are with them, it doesn't mean divorcing them. But let go of the idea that you can fix them and let go of the idea that they complete you and your life revolves around them. Focus on yourself and your life. The right people will come to you when you do that.

[elessar]

1. For your own health.

My physical ailments have increased so much, and the doctors did not have an idea. None asked me about mental stress. I did not know stress can affect body. Stupid me. Well, I found out that stress can cause a lot of physical ailments.

2. You deserve peace.

They are an addiction for us. The longer we know them, the more we crave them and allow them to recycle us. But imagine a life where you are no longer tip toeing around eggshells. Where you are no longer living in fear of what you might say or do that will result in a rage and splitting black.

3. You and your values are important.

You might have changed your religion, values, given up on family and friends while trying to take care of your pwBPD. But what about you? What about your hobbies, your interests, your goal? In a relationship, each partner should be supportive of each other. Respect each other's values/beliefs/dreams. Does a pwBPD do that for us?

4. It affects your job.

The kind of mistakes I have been making at work makes me ashamed of myself. It is pure brain freeze. It has been going on for too long. I am a graduate student doing research, so unless I go brain dead I won't be "fired". But if I was at a job, I would be fired by now. I would fire myself. I did an experiment on Monday and went over the results with my advisor. The math calculation errors I made to set up the experiment ashamed me. This isn't me. Her thoughts are affecting my performance at work. You cannot let it ruin your career.

These are many of an infinite reasons why you must let go. It doesn't mean hating them. If you are with them, it doesn't mean divorcing them. But let go of the idea that you can fix them and let go of the idea that they complete you and your life revolves around them. Focus on yourself and your life. The right people will come to you when you do that.

[thereishope]

I like this very much, and need to think about things like this right now, as I am trying to decide what to do... .

Next question... .

How?

(Not to be dumb, but HOW do you see out from underneath the haze and stop allowing the BPD to keep you in an alternate reality?)  I'm really struggling with understanding what is real and what is what I have come to accept as "good/ok" with my own coping skills... .)

[elessar]

My ex has been living with her family for 30 years in an abusive home. I begged her to leave home and not breathe the "toxic" air. She never did.

Unfortunately, I did not follow my own advice of not breathing HER toxic air. Today is day 50 of "I love you. I want to marry you. Don't you dare think about another girl". Tonight will be day 50 of "I know my decision now (agreeing to marry another guy)." In these 50 days I have breathed fresh air. One has to physically remove themselves from them to start realizing how life is without them. It is hard when you are married to them... .

I have had about 3 years to go through this alternate reality in my head. Once I intellectually accepted it, it stopped bothering me. Sure, I am pissed as hell that after all these years and so much of history, she would drop me and choose someone else in a matter of hours, but I have read too many books, articles, and forums to know that they can do worse things. It is the illness.

I agree with you. I do not know what is real. Were all those lovely moments fake? Were her words fake? But then I told myself - you have  lived in the past wondering about her for 9-10 years. Look at her actions, not at her words. In these 10 years, she 100% committed to you for a total of ~75 hours. I can now only accept facts, because wondering about hypothesis about what was real is too painful. And the main answer as to How? I have to start loving myself and my life. I am going to be 30. I have lived my life from the time I was 15 based on what can I do so she can be in my life. There is no restart button in life. I have to use my remaining years to live my dreams for my happiness. Memories with her were beautiful and horrible. I still love her. But I want to love myself more than I love her.

[thereishope]

That makes a lot of sense.  I too, am feeling like I'm wasting moments/years, when I have a strong desire and could be doing so much more without this obsession in my life... .Thank you for the perspective "from the other side"... .I think I can understand it to a certain extent because before we were married in Oct of last year, we had a short break up time when a part of me was thankful to be "out from underneath" the part of us I knew was unhealthy at the time... .I had no idea about BPD, but I do know the sun was brighter, and I had more control and peace in my life when we broke up... .Unfortunately, I BELIEVED uBPDh's apologetic/repentant/monumental "I've changed", "All I want is you back!" recycling mumbo-jumbo that came my way (50 % of me believes it was authentic - 50 % of me is like ? wondering was it really... .?)... .and I took him back and now we've been married since last October... .Why did I do it?  One other time since then he split BAD (threw knives across the kitchen) and I left and spent the week with my parents out of state... .I wasn't sure I wanted to come back, but once again, we communicated very well over the phone, he said he'd treat me differently and I returned... .Didn't take long for BPD to rear its ugly head again... .until I became almost just an empty shell and prayed, begging for God to help me "see clearly"... .He led me here to this message board.  ... .The lightbulb turned on and now I know why/how/what we've been dealing with.  Each time BPD splitting happens, I am soo ready to just walk away, except that I'd need a job/apartment/vehicle... .Trying to make that final decision to just stay or go and have peace with it... .

[LettingGo14]

I like this very much, and need to think about things like this right now, as I am trying to decide what to do... .

Next question... .

How?

(Not to be dumb, but HOW do you see out from underneath the haze and stop allowing the BPD to keep you in an alternate reality?)  I'm really struggling with understanding what is real and what is what I have come to accept as "good/ok" with my own coping skills... .)

This is an excellent follow up question, thereishope -- How?   I think we all gather a toolkit of techniques and I believe many members here can share what has worked for them.   In my toolkit:

1. Meditation -- initially, I was skeptical b/c I did not know how to meditate.  However, if you look up "mindfulness based stress reduction" or "MBSR" and people like Jon Kabat-Zinn, you'll find a whole science-based set of data on "how" to meditate and why it works.  Meditation gives us space for healing -- it allows us to feel and process.

2. Therapy --  my old way of solving bad feelings was to "ignore" or "indulge" or otherwise dissociate.   Unfortunately, what I repressed, expressed (in other ways).   Therapy gave me an environment for "holding" bad feelings without judgment and a place to discuss.   Going "through" rather than "around" has become an important lesson for me.

3. Service -- being part of this community has helped me stop taking my suffering so personally.  I realized I was not alone.  And, every time I tried to help another human being, I stopped focusing on my own pain.

What are some techniques others see as helpful?  We are all in this together.

[Pingo]

1. For your own health.

My physical ailments have increased so much, and the doctors did not have an idea. None asked me about mental stress. I did not know stress can affect body. Stupid me. Well, I found out that stress can cause a lot of physical ailments.

2. You deserve peace.

They are an addiction for us. The longer we know them, the more we crave them and allow them to recycle us. But imagine a life where you are no longer tip toeing around eggshells. Where you are no longer living in fear of what you might say or do that will result in a rage and splitting black.

3. You and your values are important.

You might have changed your religion, values, given up on family and friends while trying to take care of your pwBPD. But what about you? What about your hobbies, your interests, your goal? In a relationship, each partner should be supportive of each other. Respect each other's values/beliefs/dreams. Does a pwBPD do that for us?

4. It affects your job.

The kind of mistakes I have been making at work makes me ashamed of myself. It is pure brain freeze. It has been going on for too long. I am a graduate student doing research, so unless I go brain dead I won't be "fired". But if I was at a job, I would be fired by now. I would fire myself. I did an experiment on Monday and went over the results with my advisor. The math calculation errors I made to set up the experiment ashamed me. This isn't me. Her thoughts are affecting my performance at work. You cannot let it ruin your career.

These are many of an infinite reasons why you must let go. It doesn't mean hating them. If you are with them, it doesn't mean divorcing them. But let go of the idea that you can fix them and let go of the idea that they complete you and your life revolves around them. Focus on yourself and your life. The right people will come to you when you do that.

This is all so true.  I had so many health issues throughout my r/s all stemming from the stress I was under but I was in denial that it was what was causing all my stress.  I developed a chronic stomach ache that lasted 2 years!  And also a nervous tic that just wouldn't go away.  It did push me to research how stress can affect health and I started eating better and seeing a naturopath.  But no matter how much money I spent on supplements, hormones & doctors I still could not shake the nervous tic.  It drove me nuts.  2 months out of the r/s and my nervous tic is almost gone!

Speaking of values, I did an exercise recently where I wrote down all my values and underlined which ones were my 'core' values.  Then I thought about my ex's values.  Although we had a few values in common, he had none of my core values.  I don't know why I couldn't see that in the beginning.

I like this very much, and need to think about things like this right now, as I am trying to decide what to do... .

Next question... .

How?

(Not to be dumb, but HOW do you see out from underneath the haze and stop allowing the BPD to keep you in an alternate reality?)  I'm really struggling with understanding what is real and what is what I have come to accept as "good/ok" with my own coping skills... .)

I found that until I got time away from my ex I could not think straight or trust my own feelings.  I doubted everything and felt paralyzed.  Therapy and reading a ton of books really helped me to get clarity.

[elessar]

Speaking of values, I did an exercise recently where I wrote down all my values and underlined which ones were my 'core' values.  Then I thought about my ex's values.  Although we had a few values in common, he had none of my core values.  I don't know why I couldn't see that in the beginning.

I have wondered that a lot. Problem is, she mirrors whoever she has split white. When I knew her in school and college she was extremely religious. But in the last few years she was clear that she was religious because of her parents. They lived in a conservative Muslim group in NYC. She used to joke if they lived in Kansas with no other conservative Muslim families around them, she/they wouldn't be so conservative.

When she recycled me, she was all very secular and open-minded and progressive. When she split me black, she went back to being very controlling and close-minded. So I am not sure if she even has any core values.

[pieceofme]

4. It affects your job.

The kind of mistakes I have been making at work makes me ashamed of myself. It is pure brain freeze.

this has been happening me, too. i feel like i can't think straight, even if i try.

[Ryan9181]

Finding this thread very helpful and therapeutic in intself, thanks for starting it.  

I like this very much, and need to think about things like this right now, as I am trying to decide what to do... .

Next question... .

How?

(Not to be dumb, but HOW do you see out from underneath the haze and stop allowing the BPD to keep you in an alternate reality?)  I'm really struggling with understanding what is real and what is what I have come to accept as "good/ok" with my own coping skills... .)

I found that until I got time away from my ex I could not think straight or trust my own feelings.  I doubted everything and felt paralyzed.  Therapy and reading a ton of books really helped me to get clarity.

It's been only 2 weeks for me, and a long and painful two weeks, with some periods of tranquility and peace.  So much emotions.  I cry every day, and it helps a lot.   I am seeing a therapist, I have a health coach, am journaling every day, I re-joined a meditation group in the city (every other wednesday), I am doing yoga once a week, and am practicing a 20 minute meditation at least once per day, sometimes twice.  I signed up for a 2 week vacation in Peru as well, a spiritual retreat which will require me to detox my body 3 weeks prior to leaving.   This whole process has been brutal, but I'm learning more about myself, and attempting a new way of living.   Most importantly I'm building the support network I need.   And again, I'm learning to allow myself to feel again, even if it's letting pain through me and sobbing like a baby every morning.  

2 months seems like an eternity, but I look forward to having that much more space from this when I get there.