How do you shove away the GUILT?

[Hope0807]

I did not find out about "BPD" or his drug addiction until after being "painted black".  WOW!  My whole world was literally laid out in front of me and defined AFTER the fact.  With that said, while I was there, I gave my BPD hell! 

Although totally broken at this moment, when he found me and to the best of my ability throughout our marriage, I was an incredibly independent, strong, confident, capable, genuinely kind & compassionate, resourceful, structured, determined, organized, great friend, loyal, ambitious and a very FUNCTIONAL grown up.  He simply, was not.  Most all tasks large and small, if attempted at all were incomplete and never, ever done consistently.  I tried to "not sweat the small stuff", "pick my battles wisely" - it really was so far beyond all that and I couldn't ever really explain the level of insanity to anyone on the outside of our four walls.  His effort in life's tasks paled in comparison to his negative attitude, rages, and overall emotional roller coaster of a personality.  I couldn't keep up with any of it.  It all made me insane and from his perspective I seemed to never be happy with anything he did.  I was really mean to him to be honest.  There seemed to never be enough time between the last intensely negative rage and him wanting some affection.  There was no time to warm up to him again before something erratic happened and I was shaking my head in the ashes.

I want to believe my perpetual feelings of DISGUST and CONFUSION with him everything about the way he went about life were my own gutt instincts SCREAMING at me to RUN…but I stayed…and gave him the best part of my 30s.  I am filled to the brim with dark sadness.  Part of me wonders if I was kinder and more patient, would his BPD have not flared?  Research tells me that it was only a matter of time and my suspicious instincts throughout the duration kept me at least alert and better prepared for this fallout.  I'm questioning my perceptions daily.  He carries on like I never existed.  SO SO SO bizarre and incredibly painful.

What do you tell yourself to push away the guilt and feelings of missing that person that has dismissed us with such cruelty?

[seeking balance]

What do you tell yourself to push away the guilt and feelings of missing that person that has dismissed us with such cruelty?

Is it guilt (I did something bad) or shame (I am flawed) that you are feeling about this?

Once you determine, why do you think you are feeling it and what would you tell a friend in your same shoes?