On abandoning the pwBPD vs. being abandoned

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When I first met my xBPDgf I had recently (6-7 months give or take) broken up with my partner whom we were together for about seven years. I was vulnerable and now I can see that I needed love and attention and someone to fill in the gap but didn't realise how much at the time. And then I met this amazing woman and she was like a dream come true for about a month or two. Now in retrospect even at those 2 honeymoon months I did ignore major red flags. I was a bit like Mulder wanting to believe.

At any rate, I saw my ex for 14 months in total with 2 break ups of one month NC each, both initiated by me and 2-3 major fights that resulted not seeing each other for a week or two. We never lived full time together aside holidays or spending weekends. I probably saw her for about 10 months in total for about 1-3 times per week. Now I again broken up with her and NC for 3 weeks. I have slowly started feeling better. I have ups and downs but I can see how I might be in a much better place in a month or two from now.

In this forum I am reading mainly stories of people that have been left by the BPD. That one day the BPD, just woke up and unexpectedly left them for someone else. This was not my experience. Although during the break ups she might have had sex with other guys to get back at me (she was the most vindictive person I met in my life), and she was quite flirtitious with other guys that used to piss me off she didn't leave me and until now she is making some ridiculous attempts to reach me.

When I am reading all these stories, I am wondering what to make of mine. Of her and of me? Sometimes I question myself... .Was I not sensitive enough? Was I not patient enough? Do I have such a big ego? Why didn't I stay longer like a lot of people here? I mean things would constantly happen and with her not apologising or taking any responsibility they would accumulate and I would lose my patience after a few months and break up with her.  I also feel a bit guilty for making her worse nightmares come true i.e. abandoning her particularly since i have promised to her that I wouldn't.  

I really want to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thanks.

[freedom33]

When I first met my xBPDgf I had recently (6-7 months give or take) broken up with my partner whom we were together for about seven years. I was vulnerable and now I can see that I needed love and attention and someone to fill in the gap but didn't realise how much at the time. And then I met this amazing woman and she was like a dream come true for about a month or two. Now in retrospect even at those 2 honeymoon months I did ignore major red flags. I was a bit like Mulder wanting to believe.

At any rate, I saw my ex for 14 months in total with 2 break ups of one month NC each, both initiated by me and 2-3 major fights that resulted not seeing each other for a week or two. We never lived full time together aside holidays or spending weekends. I probably saw her for about 10 months in total for about 1-3 times per week. Now I again broken up with her and NC for 3 weeks. I have slowly started feeling better. I have ups and downs but I can see how I might be in a much better place in a month or two from now.

In this forum I am reading mainly stories of people that have been left by the BPD. That one day the BPD, just woke up and unexpectedly left them for someone else. This was not my experience. Although during the break ups she might have had sex with other guys to get back at me (she was the most vindictive person I met in my life), and she was quite flirtitious with other guys that used to piss me off she didn't leave me and until now she is making some ridiculous attempts to reach me.

When I am reading all these stories, I am wondering what to make of mine. Of her and of me? Sometimes I question myself... .Was I not sensitive enough? Was I not patient enough? Do I have such a big ego? Why didn't I stay longer like a lot of people here? I mean things would constantly happen and with her not apologising or taking any responsibility they would accumulate and I would lose my patience after a few months and break up with her.  I also feel a bit guilty for making her worse nightmares come true i.e. abandoning her particularly since i have promised to her that I wouldn't.  

I really want to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thanks.

[DiamondSW]

My thoughts are that you deserve a medal.

Be careful though.

I ended it with my BPD exgf.  She then found another man in less than a week, got in a hell of a pickle with him and his family (goodness knows what she did, although sex enters my mind... .where perhaps sex b4 marriage was frowned upon in his family), then somehow dragged me back into her life with tears and a sob story (and she needed my help for her to pay the bills).  When she realised that I wasn't going to help her anymore regarding £, and was too ashamed to be honest with me, ... .and recognised that I was sick of her actions and need to grow up... .  she then decided to wreck my life... .  and I mean wreck it.  Public humiliation, phoning up my work clients, it just got worse and worse. 

My advice is beware of games.  Nasty games.  If you 'go back to her' or even show the slightest inclination of it (like I did), she will remember that 'you dumped her' and at some point, will unleash full on revenge and punishment. 

I ended up in hospital, mentally exhausted.

A year later, I have a loving gf, a new job, a beautiful new home.  What she is doing, god knows... .  not much I imagine.  Telling a new sucker about her sexual abuse and the cruelty of her mother, whilst living off the woman's charity... .at 31.  sad. 

[freedom33]

A year later, I have a loving gf, a new job, a beautiful new home.  What she is doing, god knows... . not much I imagine.  Telling a new sucker about her sexual abuse and the cruelty of her mother, whilst living off the woman's charity... .at 31.  sad.  

Rings a bell. Mine is 37 and still receives money from her parents to pay her rent. On the other hand I wholeheartedly hope to be in a similar position to yours next year. I am definetely not going back. Now that I think of it the reason might be that she took such a heavy toll on my mental, physical and material well being (I had to resign from my job) that I suppose she left me with no other choice. I guess it was a matter of survival - either her or me.

Did you have to leave your job because of her and the smear campaign?

[thereishope]

A year later, I have a loving gf, a new job, a beautiful new home.  What she is doing, god knows... . not much I imagine.  Telling a new sucker about her sexual abuse and the cruelty of her mother, whilst living off the woman's charity... .at 31.  sad.  

Rings a bell. Mine is 37 and still receives money from her parents to pay her rent. On the other hand I wholeheartedly hope to be in a similar position to yours next year. I am definetely not going back. Now that I think of it the reason might be that she took such a heavy toll on my mental, physical and material well being (I had to resign from my job) that I suppose she left me with no other choice. I guess it was a matter of survival - either her or me.

Did you have to leave your job because of her and the smear campaign?

freedom, I want to turn the tables and attempt to encourage you, like you did recently for me in a thread I started... .

Although I am in the midst of my "huge decision making process", and smack-dab in the middle of doubting every possible thing I'm thinking and feeling,... .I still want to tell you to trust your instincts.  If you were feeling as though you really NEEDED TO LEAVE when you did,  that there was SOMETHING NOT RIGHT, that was DRIVING YOU SLOWLY INSANE and SUCKING THE VERY LIFE OUT OF YOU... .It was real.  It was all real.  It's not a mirage.  You can believe it.  You were right, and you can be a little easier on yourself.  (hug)  You are allowed to recognize an unhealthy situation and to now go forward with a better, healthier plan for your life. It's ok. My experience tells me, and I trust it is the same with your experience,... .that somewhere deep inside, you KNOW that if you returned, it would be more insanity, more devaluing, more negativity, anger, strife, dark clouds hovering over your every thought/action/move... .and it would most likely be WORSE than before. 

Just want to encourage you to rest.  Breathe.  Feel the sunshine.  Think of what you'd like to do today, and do it without having to make sure it's ok first... .  It will get better.   

[fromheeltoheal]

I would lose my patience after a few months and break up with her.

My ex didn't leave physically, but she left emotionally and mentally, because she was maintaining several relationships, plus random hook-ups thrown in, and absolutely convinced she could not only get away with it, but didn't see a problem with it.  She'd had lots of deception practice and was reasonably good at it, but it was still obvious in the way she acted.  I put up with it for a couple of months and then bailed, like you.

I also feel a bit guilty for making her worse nightmares come true i.e. abandoning her particularly since i have promised to her that I wouldn't. 

Good area for growth there, like do you find yourself in situations where you put other people's needs ahead of your own?  Did she make any promises to you that she didn't keep?  Sometimes we need to save ourselves, because no one is going to save us, certainly not a borderline, and if we don't have a sense of being in control of our lives and being content with things, we have nothing to give other people.

Ever get angry at her?  Anger fueled my escape, and I learned later that the worst thing that could happen to a borderline is to be abandoned, and so I had unknowingly hurt her in the strongest way possible.  Honestly I did get a little thrill out of that, until I got beyond the anger.

[freedom33]

Thank you thereishope - good advice. Yes certainly things were not right. There were obvious things that weren't right, manipulative games, scenes and blaming etc. but then even when things were not obviously and apparently bad well... .still they weren't right. Sometimes I would feel guilty that I was annoyed with her because it would be quite difficult to pinpoint what was actually bothering me (maybe accumulated resentment - maybe I was not very much in touch with my feelings), what was going on. It was as if on the surface things were fine but under it there was another reality of things. And the whole thing with her started to feel as a continuous act of pretence and betrayal.

Ever get angry at her?  Anger fueled my escape, and I learned later that the worst thing that could happen to a borderline is to be abandoned, and so I had unknowingly hurt her in the strongest way possible.  Honestly I did get a little thrill out of that, until I got beyond the anger.

Yeah I used to get angry with her a lot but I wouldn't show it, the reason being that when I did raise issues at the beginning they were minimised, denied, I was being gaslighted, accused of being unreasonable, crazy etc. So after a while I adjusted my expectations (to zero), closed down and kept most things to myself, until the point of no return which meant leaving. So yes anger is what fuelled my escape too.

[BorisAcusio]

A year later, I have a loving gf, a new job, a beautiful new home.  What she is doing, god knows... . not much I imagine.  Telling a new sucker about her sexual abuse and the cruelty of her mother, whilst living off the woman's charity... .at 31.  sad.  

Rings a bell. Mine is 37 and still receives money from her parents to pay her rent. On the other hand I wholeheartedly hope to be in a similar position to yours next year. I am definetely not going back. Now that I think of it the reason might be that she took such a heavy toll on my mental, physical and material well being (I had to resign from my job) that I suppose she left me with no other choice. I guess it was a matter of survival - either her or me.

Did you have to leave your job because of her and the smear campaign?

DRIVING YOU SLOWLY INSANE and SUCKING THE VERY LIFE OUT OF YOU

While sucking the life out of you, she most likely sucked something else. No sane people should ever put up with this kind of abuse.

[Ihope2]

I think those of us who did the leaving, as opposed to being left, do sit with this extra remorse about having done the "worst possible thing" to our partner with BPD, ie "abandon them to their fate", when we could possibly have been their salvation! 

It is especially significant to us, because we felt totally responsible for their wellbeing and happiness and maybe even their very survival (financial support, health concerns that we were trying to help them cope with, etc).

We lost sight of the fact that it was not all up to us.  We were shouldering this enormous burden of carrying another, whilst being abused and manipulated by that very person.

I do not think it was about our big egos, or our lack of some or other quality that caused us not to be able to help this person.

Life just doesn't work that way, that we have to carry the other person, and be responsible for them while they sit back and rant and rave, invalidate and belittle us and live with this enormous sense of entitlement.  Perhaps the only thing we did "wrong" was to go against the laws of the universe in wanting to rescue the other person and find inner peace and healing on their behalf, without them coming to the realisation that it is up to themself to do this, not us or anybody else!

[thereishope]

This is SUCH A GOOD THREAD... .and very crucial for me to be reading this very moment... .  I am in the middle of acquiring an apartment, vehicle, job... .behind my uBPDh's back and part of me feels incredibly insane and horrible and cruel "doing this to him", although all the things you guys (and myself) have all written are absolutely true as well... .I hate the part of me that is trying to convince my spirit that is trying to resurface to just "sit down, shut up, it's not that bad, you are making a horrible decision, this is horrible to do to him... ."  Ugh... .It hurts really bad, but I really do believe if it was easy to leave, and if I could just flip a switch and be already 6 months "on the other side", I'd want to be there with almost everything in me... .Thank you all for walking through it here... .I really need it right now... . 

Grace and peace.

[BacknthSaddle]

A couple of things to keep in mind here:

1) Most if not all of us are guilty of putting others' needs and desires above our own on a regular basis to differing degrees.  This is how we got enmeshed with our pwBPD in the first place.  I think that many of us who did not initiate the break thought of doing so (or tried to do so) but were not able to precisely because of the fears you are articulating now.  Of course, these relationships are not ultimately sustainable, so if we weren't capable of breaking it off because of these fears, ultimately they ended up doing so. 

2) It is quite typical for pwBPD, in an effort to validate their chronically low senses of self-worth, to sabotage a romantic relationship, particularly one which is so intimate as to be highly triggering or one in which engulfment fears arise.  So, we may often be under the belief that we initiated the break when in fact, in a subconscious way, our ex began initiating it long before. 

The bottom line though is that who initiated the break is irrelevant because these relationships are ultimately unsustainable, at least without considerable emotional pain on the part of both parties.  I think the question to ask yourself here is what it is about you and your feelings about yourself that make you wonder if you were "patient and sensitive enough" with "the most vindictive person I met in my life."  Why be patient at all with such a person?  Something in all of us allowed us to be treated poorly and then to wonder if it wasn't our fault.  Everyone (or in any case many people) here will share with you that they've had the same feelings.  Understanding the causes of these feelings, and then learning to value our own needs, are the first steps toward healing. 

[Suspicious1]

When I am reading all these stories, I am wondering what to make of mine. Of her and of me? Sometimes I question myself... .Was I not sensitive enough? Was I not patient enough? Do I have such a big ego? Why didn't I stay longer like a lot of people here? I mean things would constantly happen and with her not apologising or taking any responsibility they would accumulate and I would lose my patience after a few months and break up with her.  I also feel a bit guilty for making her worse nightmares come true i.e. abandoning her particularly since i have promised to her that I wouldn't

Similar to you, I was with my ex for 18 months, with a few splits in the middle of no more than a few weeks. This time I'm the one who walked (three months ago) and I went through all those questions you're asking. I felt terribly guilty, wondering if it was so bad I couldn't stick it out, thinking some company was better than none.

I recently read the "Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD", and when I did the "how much of a caretaker are you" questionnaire, I scored very low. I was in the "not a caretaker" section. And I think, ultimately, that answered all my questions. I'm highly empathic, I like providing emotional support the person I love, but I already know that the minute any caretaking begins to impact negatively on me, I stop doing it. I walk away. That's just my benchmark - help until it becomes detrimental to myself, then stop. I do have quite a high tolerance, but I have too many people in my life who are dependent on me to do otherwise.

Sometimes I think I simply wasn't supportive enough for my ex. I was too argumentative, I didn't appease him quite enough. I've beaten myself up for those things in the past, but ultimately I think his needs were unreasonable, and if anything I actually pandered to him *too much*.

And I think I'm not 'good supply' which is why he's made virtually no attempt to recycle me. Why put all that effort in for so little gain? I'm trying to see the bright side of this.

It sounds to me like you've got good boundaries and however depressing it sometimes feels that the relationship didn't work out, ultimately they will serve you really well.

[Pingo]

A couple of things to keep in mind here:

1) Most if not all of us are guilty of putting others' needs and desires above our own on a regular basis to differing degrees.  This is how we got enmeshed with our pwBPD in the first place.  I think that many of us who did not initiate the break thought of doing so (or tried to do so) but were not able to precisely because of the fears you are articulating now.  Of course, these relationships are not ultimately sustainable, so if we weren't capable of breaking it off because of these fears, ultimately they ended up doing so. 

2) It is quite typical for pwBPD, in an effort to validate their chronically low senses of self-worth, to sabotage a romantic relationship, particularly one which is so intimate as to be highly triggering or one in which engulfment fears arise.  So, we may often be under the belief that we initiated the break when in fact, in a subconscious way, our ex began initiating it long before. 

The bottom line though is that who initiated the break is irrelevant because these relationships are ultimately unsustainable, at least without considerable emotional pain on the part of both parties.  I think the question to ask yourself here is what it is about you and your feelings about yourself that make you wonder if you were "patient and sensitive enough" with "the most vindictive person I met in my life."  Why be patient at all with such a person?  Something in all of us allowed us to be treated poorly and then to wonder if it wasn't our fault.  Everyone (or in any case many people) here will share with you that they've had the same feelings.  Understanding the causes of these feelings, and then learning to value our own needs, are the first steps toward healing. 

This is spot on!  I definitely can relate to the feelings about what I could have done better, different... .if only... .especially when I read books and articles about attachment theory.  I get really sad that he didn't have that stable attachment with his FOO and it makes me feel like I really let him down.  But then I remember I didn't have that stable attachment either and I have done the best I can, I wasn't abusive, I loved him the best I could.  But at some point you have to put your own needs first.  I lost myself in the r/s and I am now starting to really see how much better I am out of it, and the guilt and what if's are starting to lessen.  I know I have a long way to go but I am healing.

[myself]

I don't think they're as scared of abandonment as it's made out. It seems more like they thrive off of it. Pushing others to make it happen, or doing it to them first. Repeatedly. The pain and drama giving meaning to their lives? PwBPD feel internally agitated much if not most of the time. It's what they relate to. Externalizing this is a temporary release, a way for them to feel they belong somewhere. Choosing to continue negative patterns when faced with the chances to change. Abandoning themselves, most of all.

[fred6]

A year later, I have a loving gf, a new job, a beautiful new home.  What she is doing, god knows... . not much I imagine.  Telling a new sucker about her sexual abuse and the cruelty of her mother, whilst living off the woman's charity... .at 31.  sad.  

Rings a bell. Mine is 37 and still receives money from her parents to pay her rent. On the other hand I wholeheartedly hope to be in a similar position to yours next year. I am definetely not going back. Now that I think of it the reason might be that she took such a heavy toll on my mental, physical and material well being (I had to resign from my job) that I suppose she left me with no other choice. I guess it was a matter of survival - either her or me.

Did you have to leave your job because of her and the smear campaign?

Rings a bell for me also. Mine is 40 and when I came along she didn't cook or clean. Her house was filthy and a wreck. She ate out or didn't eat at all. She fed her daughter instant mac and cheese or cereal for dinner much of the time. Many times a week she would eat at her parents house down the street. I came along and helped her somewhat clean out her house. I cooked dinner most of the week, but we still ate at her parents 1-2 times a week "because she wanted to". She never made her bed, but after I came around she started making her bed in the mornings. Her parents used to buy her stuff she needed and give her money. When I came around, I started doing that with no complaints from her. I was good to her and I did add value to her life. However, after the cheating and split, she slowly started refusing the things that I helped her with and went back to her "old" self. I haven't even moved out yet and the house is a wreck, the bills are past due, and she back to skipping dinner or eating at her parents house and getting money and stuff from them. She does however still make her bed a couple days a week. Once I leave, she'll be back to being a fully grown middle age 15 year old. So sad to watch, especially for her daughter. 

[fred6]

I don't think they're as scared of abandonment as it's made out. It seems more like they thrive off of it. Pushing others to make it happen, or doing it to them first. Repeatedly. The pain and drama giving meaning to their lives? PwBPD feel internally agitated much if not most of the time. It's what they relate to. Externalizing this is a temporary release, a way for them to feel they belong somewhere. Choosing to continue negative patterns when faced with the chances to change. Abandoning themselves, most of all.

Again, I think this is correct. My exBPD always brags about, "being all up in people's business". Always about some type of drama or talking about everyone behind their back while smiling in their face. I'm the type that only has a few good friends. My exBPD knows everyone, but she doesn't have any "good" friends. Hell, she talks about most of them behind their back. But she's high functioning and has most of them fooled.

[thereishope]

I don't think they're as scared of abandonment as it's made out. It seems more like they thrive off of it. Pushing others to make it happen, or doing it to them first. Repeatedly. The pain and drama giving meaning to their lives? PwBPD feel internally agitated much if not most of the time. It's what they relate to. Externalizing this is a temporary release, a way for them to feel they belong somewhere. Choosing to continue negative patterns when faced with the chances to change. Abandoning themselves, most of all.

Again, I think this is correct. My exBPD always brags about, "being all up in people's business". Always about some type of drama or talking about everyone behind their back while smiling in their face. I'm the type that only has a few good friends. My exBPD knows everyone, but she doesn't have any "good" friends. Hell, she talks about most of them behind their back. But she's high functioning and has most of them fooled.

Wow... .this rings a bell... .I too, have veryyy few close friends... .as a matter of fact, uBPDh made sure the last one was pretty much eliminated from my life when we got married and moved out of state... .Not knowing about BPD, I didn't recognize what was happening (isolation), but now I do.  He, on the other hand "KNOWS EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER", and talks up a storm, very very successfully getting people to "like" him somehow, so that they are ALL pretty much eating out of his hand and bending over backwards to do what he wants (which is pretty much demanded, and NEVER requested/asked for).  What is this "skill" they have with people (I don't think I'd really call it a skill... .maybe a curse) that sucks people into the dark vortex of their being... .I guess in reality none get really close enough to FEEL THE WRATH OF THE BPD... .although he DEFINITELY bad talks EVERYONE... .whoever happens to "screw him over" in the moment... .Of course, I thought I was above his black projections... .little did I know I would become one of his PRIMARY TARGETS of ALL his rage/anger/negativity/criticism/control... .Oh the joys of BPD... .

[fred6]

I don't think they're as scared of abandonment as it's made out. It seems more like they thrive off of it. Pushing others to make it happen, or doing it to them first. Repeatedly. The pain and drama giving meaning to their lives? PwBPD feel internally agitated much if not most of the time. It's what they relate to. Externalizing this is a temporary release, a way for them to feel they belong somewhere. Choosing to continue negative patterns when faced with the chances to change. Abandoning themselves, most of all.

Again, I think this is correct. My exBPD always brags about, "being all up in people's business". Always about some type of drama or talking about everyone behind their back while smiling in their face. I'm the type that only has a few good friends. My exBPD knows everyone, but she doesn't have any "good" friends. Hell, she talks about most of them behind their back. But she's high functioning and has most of them fooled.

Wow... .this rings a bell... .I too, have veryyy few close friends... .as a matter of fact, uBPDh made sure the last one was pretty much eliminated from my life when we got married and moved out of state... .Not knowing about BPD, I didn't recognize what was happening (isolation), but now I do.  He, on the other hand "KNOWS EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER", and talks up a storm, very very successfully getting people to "like" him somehow, so that they are ALL pretty much eating out of his hand and bending over backwards to do what he wants (which is pretty much demanded, and NEVER requested/asked for).  What is this "skill" they have with people (I don't think I'd really call it a skill... .maybe a curse) that sucks people into the dark vortex of their being... .I guess in reality none get really close enough to FEEL THE WRATH OF THE BPD... .although he DEFINITELY bad talks EVERYONE... .whoever happens to "screw him over" in the moment... .Of course, I thought I was above his black projections... .little did I know I would become one of his PRIMARY TARGETS of ALL his rage/anger/negativity/criticism/control... .Oh the joys of BPD... .

Again, I don't think this is a skill per se, I think that is a survival or defense mechanism of some sort. These people don't bond or let people get too close to them emotionally. Therefore they compensate by having a lot of people at their disposal to replace the lost intimacy and closeness that they lack in their personal relationships.

For instance, my exBPD is kind of a social butterfly. Everyone thinks she is a cool chick, and she is to some extent. However, if you get too close to her, like me, she will run to someone else. She always bragged that most guys didn't last 4 months with her. It made me feel good to know that I was doing better than them in a relationship with her, I was thinking they were all jerks. However, in retrospect, who was the common denominator in all of those failed short term(probably only sexual)relationships?

A few years before me, she had a child with a married man and had to get a DNA test because she didn't know who the father was, due to sleeping with someone else at the same time. She told me that she didn't want relationships with either of them. A friend of hers recently told me that she really didn't have any "relationships" prior to me, just "guy friends". When we first got together, she never requested that I wear a condom, even though I did for a few months. After about a year and a half with me she started cutting way back on sex with me. Her reason, "I was raped by a prior boyfriend, sex means nothing to me. I could go the rest of my life without sex and it wouldn't bother me". Now she has cheated on me and split from me.

Even though she said that "sex means nothing to her". The information in the previous paragraph doesn't add up to "sex means nothing to me". My conclusion is that she got too close to me and made up that excuse to withdraw physically and emotionally from me over the past year. These people want to feel intimacy and closeness like the rest of us, but they can't. The closest some of them can get is promiscuous unprotected sex(risky self destructed behavior)with people that they don't have to emotionally bond with, ie the married guy or my replacement. I won't call her a whore even though I want to, because she is mentally ill.

Anyhow, that's why I think some of them have lots of "superficial" friends. It's a greater pool of people to pick from when it comes to "getting what they want". Even female friends have husbands and boyfriends to add to the pool of people to pick from. Anyhow, that's what I think, but what do I know,

[freedom33]

The closest some of them can get is promiscuous unprotected sex(risky self destructed behavior)with people that they don't have to emotionally bond with, ie the married guy or my replacement. I won't call her a whore even though I want to, because she is mentally ill.

When I first met mine I told her I was not looking for a relationship as at the time I had relatively recently broken up with my ex (before my xBP). Anyway she said 'what is it me and all the threesomes?' I asked her what she meant by that? She said that she 'always ended up being with or attracted to guys that had recently broken up with their girlfriends (or possible dissatisfied married men - this last bit is my speculation)'. That was a huge   I disregarded at the time. She insisted flirting with me and we ended up having sex after a month and off to the honeymo/prelude to hell I went... .

At any rate, now I think of three explanations for her taste / record with people out of recent rs:

1) Such people are emotionally unavailable and this is safe for them i.e. what fred just said

2) They are vulnerable, more needy, dependent/depressed i.e. easy prey in short and more likely to believe in the dream come true and disregard red flags

3) Such appetite comes from her power drive i.e. wanting to steal another woman's man

I think I fall under 2.

[Infern0]

I was an abandoner in the end.  Although not fully as I "left the door open" which she promptly slammed shut.  Had to have the final word.

I do feel bad but I had no choice.  She was doing devestating damage to my mind body and soul. I didn't really understand it at the time I just knew I had to get away because every interaction with her was me enduring immense pain and suffering and I simply couldn't allow it to continue.  I would have ended up committed or dead.  And I STILL left the door open.

[rodman8]

I don't think they're as scared of abandonment as it's made out. It seems more like they thrive off of it. Pushing others to make it happen, or doing it to them first. Repeatedly. The pain and drama giving meaning to their lives? PwBPD feel internally agitated much if not most of the time. It's what they relate to. Externalizing this is a temporary release, a way for them to feel they belong somewhere. Choosing to continue negative patterns when faced with the chances to change. Abandoning themselves, most of all.

I believe you nailed this!  I have pondered about this over and over as well.  At the end of the day, it was she who kept abandoning me.  Almost like she gets off on the pain it causes others and the drama that ensues.  Quite sick, quite sick.  There are people that I am sure she has worked hard to keep around, but mostly it is about convenience and manipulation.  She worked hard to keep me around too, but once the relationship ended, she simply recycled the "friendship" (not the romance) with me during bouts of abandonment.  You see, I was 6 hours away from her, so there was not much I could do for her in terms of physical contact.  Therefore, I ceased to be of much use for her other than emotional/intellectual support.  I always felt so insecure about the men that she was seeming to put more effort into than me.  For the first three months I knew her, she put in an incredible amount of energy into me until she decided she was not ready to move 330 miles to be with me.  It was then that she started to recycle the previous BF because he was only within an hour form him, AND his dad loved adored her, and she obviously felt that they had more convenient use for her than I did.  I am convinced of this now.  If the situation would have been reversed, it would have been me that she would have ultimately put more effort into.  Even he was "abandoned" for about 6 months when new supply came her way.  I recently was told through a mutual contact that the previous BF was once again refriended on facebook, so the recycle pattern continues.  Oh btw, she owes me a $3,000.  Of course, she is not going to recycle me when she owes me money.  LOL.

[fred6]

The closest some of them can get is promiscuous unprotected sex(risky self destructed behavior)with people that they don't have to emotionally bond with, ie the married guy or my replacement. I won't call her a whore even though I want to, because she is mentally ill.

When I first met mine I told her I was not looking for a relationship as at the time I had relatively recently broken up with my ex (before my xBP). Anyway she said 'what is it me and all the threesomes?' I asked her what she meant by that? She said that she 'always ended up being with or attracted to guys that had recently broken up with their girlfriends (or possible dissatisfied married men - this last bit is my speculation)'. That was a huge   I disregarded at the time. She insisted flirting with me and we ended up having sex after a month and off to the honeymo/prelude to hell I went... .

At any rate, now I think of three explanations for her taste / record with people out of recent rs:

1) Such people are emotionally unavailable and this is safe for them i.e. what fred just said

2) They are vulnerable, more needy, dependent/depressed i.e. easy prey in short and more likely to believe in the dream come true and disregard red flags

3) Such appetite comes from her power drive i.e. wanting to steal another woman's man

I think I fall under 2.

You know Freedom, I've read plenty about how most pwBPD have a high libido are pretty good in bed. My exBPD never really was all that good in bed. She never really participated, not once performed oral in 3 years, not once initiated sex, and just sort of laid their in a sort of a semi-daze. At times I would look at her face and she looked like she would rather be getting a root canal or something. Now, I don't claim to be a god in bed or anything, but at 42 years old I don't remember any complaints from anyone either. Everyone I've been with has enjoyed themselves as far as I know. I'm sure in the last year or so I wasn't performing for her, I was just "getting mine" as quickly as possible. I know that sounds selfish, but when your partner doesn't participate and claims that "sex means nothing to me", it isn't pleasant anymore and you tend to just get yours and get it over with.

You know, it makes me wonder if she acts like this during sex with the guys before me or my replacement. Kind of hits your ego, but I know that's just my head messing with me. Just confusing how someone who says, "sex means nothing to me" and just lays there, keeps jumping from guy to guy like that. How do they even cheat? Strange indeed... .