Struggling big time today

[ANewHorizon]

So today sucks... .  I filed for divorce yesterday and as liberating as it felt I am a pile of mush inside.  My stbxuBPDw has been Splitting for the past month after I moved out.  For those that don't know, I had threats placed on me and the cops had to be involved.  This was the 2nd instance in our 5 year marriage.

Looking back I was a true co-dependent and became stuck in the support/care taker role for so long.  I am happier being away from the clutches but struggling with the splitting now that I am gone.  Everyday stbxuBPDw says we need to talk about D1 so of course I call.  I get stuck in the trap of how she is doing everything to fix this and finally sees what I have been talking about for so many years all the while begging me to come back.  How she needs me and I am tearing apart our family.  I am reading Bill Eddy's book and it's helping me understand but its do damn difficult to accept letting go.  I know I have to do it to be there for D1 but I feel like utter crap. 

She tells me I am a horrible person and I am breaking vows.  I shouldn't have had D1 with her and all her feelings over the past 5 years must have been true as I can so easily give up.  I am sorry but this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I never loved her.  The never love piece doesn't hurt that bad because ever since day 1 I was blamed for the marriage being a complete failure as I didn't put her on a pedestal and treat her like a princess that night.  I am sorry but it was OUR night not just YOURS! Moreover at least 1x every month I have been accussed of cheating, never loving her and always being the one that caused our problems so nothing new now that I left and filed.  I think to myself whats 1 more chance.  However its 1,000,001.  If I have felt miserable for so many times why should I allow myself to feel 1 more second of misery?  It's rational in my head but how can you give up on someone telling you that everything from the past will never happen again.  How do you get over this?

What's worse is to avoid conflict and not butt heads I have to keep my distance and let L handle.  however, she wont let me see D1 more than 4 hours every other night.  We have 800lbs, yes 800lbs of stored breastmilk that I can't touch because I am the one creating all the problems.  As a result D1 cannot spend any overnight's with me.  I have to play ball in the short run and it sucks and is NOT FAIR.  Not only this but I am fighting a huge uphill battle being the one wanting out for everyone's peace while her FIL has cancer.  She now claims she does to.  She claims I have hit her yet I have been smart enough to record our conversations that 100% prove otherwise.  I have done everything I can from doing all the errands, cooking, cleaning, changed plans all because she is too exhausted at the end of the day but can't stop complaining how horrible her life is .  What about me for 5 seconds a week?

If this isn't hell I can't imagine anything worse at this point.

[thereishope]

I'm so sorry you are struggling.  I understand the mind-warpingness of it all, and it really does suck.  I sit here, feeling horrible, in my own situation with uBPDh because he is actually putting in a lot of effort... .BUT I feel like I still want to get away... .It was very bad for a while and that created in me a desire to be free of it that is so strong, now I can't get rid of it even now that he is acting good... .I am soo tired... .

I am happy that you ultimately feel better being free of BPD chaos... .but I will pray for you as you deal with unchaining your soul/spirit/mind/heart/emotions from the leeching power of a BPD s/o... .Stay strong!  I believe real health and peace and strength await you on the other side... .You will get there! 

[Mutt]

I get stuck in the trap of how she is doing everything to fix this and finally sees what I have been talking about for so many years

How she needs me and I am tearing apart our family.

She tells me I am a horrible person and I am breaking vows

Hi ANewHorizon,

I like your username. You're at the cusp of a new horizon, new beginnings and a sort of pain point.

^ FOG ^

You feel cruddy because she is emotionally blackmailing you. She fears abandonment. I'm sorry for the way that she is treating you. It takes time for the FOG to lift, for the head to clear and the heart to catch up to the head. You're going through a lot right now.

What it means to be in the "FOG"

You made a very difficulty decision and it takes courage to do that and bravo. You're doing the right thing for you and your D.

I'm sorry to hear about D1, she's young. I love that age. What does it say on your custody order for visitation rights? Do you have shared custody?

[OutOfEgypt]

It gets better, my friend.  It really does.

[ANewHorizon]

I'm sorry to hear about D1, she's young. I love that age. What does it say on your custody order for visitation rights? Do you have shared custody?

Hi Mutt,

Just filed yesterday so it will take some time before we get any details on custody order.  L going for Guardian in Litam, to help me get more time.  As I mentioned I just want peace for D1 and myself, mainly D1.  As such I have to play ball as everytime I go over there to keep up with the house she corners me and wont stop blaming, pushing guilt, and accept that this is what is.

Just makes me feel awful.  It's funny as I thought the flog had lifted enabling me to push forward with L.  What I didn't realize is I am still gasping for air with remnants of the FOG still in my lungs and soul.

[grover11]

I know exactly how you feel.

I have been gone 5 months now and at times I feel like things are getting better, I have started to embrace the freedom of being in my apartment and have been really enjoying my life at times.

But... .Every 2-3 weeks I start to get texts from my xwife that cover everything from anger, threats, begging, and real sorrow. I believe she is hurting and confused about my leaving (i forgot to mention we have not seen or spoken to each other since I left). I don't really feel guilty anymore but I do feel very sad that she is hurting and confused.

It seems to set me back a little and I have to refocus on why I left and how much better my future looks being away from her.

I keep hearing it does get better and I'm sure it will. I just fall back on trying to keep my mind busy and not to think too much about what she is going through, it seems almost cruel to me to do that but I guess it's what I need to do in the long run.

[Mutt]

Hi ANewHorizon,

Your struggling with FOG because you have to go over there and she corners you. I have 3 young kids with my ex, I understand how difficult custody and access can be. How is your communication with her? Do you talk to her on the phone, text, email and how often?

Her blaming, pushing guilt is because she is triggered by her fear of abandonment and she doesn't like to feel bad, she needs to feel good. She's trying to project those out of place feelings on you. I've been doing this for some time with my ex and I'm indifferent to the behaviors. This is a goal that you can set for yourself later.

Have you talked to the members over on the legal board?

[ANewHorizon]

How is your communication with her? Do you talk to her on the phone, text, email and how often?

Communication is not escalating but constant.  If she isn't calling she is texting 4x as much.  Saying things like she will do whatever it takes.  She is sorry. This has to work. I need you.  If you do this your a horrible person,  You never loved me. Blah Blah Blah.  I limit as much contact as possible but she always says its about D1. 

As it involves my daughter I reach out only to find that it has to do with us in order to make it better for D1.  As example, yesterday she said we need to see a child psychologist.  The reason was for them to guide us on whats best.  of course a child psychologist is going to say a child does best in a dual household.  However, that same therapist would say it on the basis of a happy home.  This manipulation and trickery is so old and frustrating.

Have you talked to the members over on the legal board?

I have posted there as well.  First this place is phenomonal and I am so happy I found a support system so thank you everyone!  As for the advice it was similar to what L said.  Right now the short term sucks but the Long term is the focus.  No contact is the key as hard as it is and seeing T once a week is crucial to help work through this. 

[Mutt]

Hi ANewHorizon,

I understand. My youngest is 3, so it's been a little while for the needs of a baby. They need a lot of attention. What sorts of things for a 1 year old are important?

My kids are 3,6,8 and I set a boundary with my ex that she calls only for emergencies for the kids and to email me for anything else. E-mail can be tracked and can help you later in court. Courts are about facts and presenting facts. My ex dissociates (lies) and changes what she said often, this way I can clearly keep track what both parties said and I don't indulge in trying to defend myself or to perpetuate conflict. She dissociates because she's not feeling good at home with her bf. In your case, your ex feels abandoned. A very scary thing for a pwBPD. I respond what needs responding to - the kids. Everything else is secondary but I understand when you are still partially in the FOG - it's tough.

I have limited contact as well. I have kids so I can't go "no contact" Any sort of interactions are parenting. She has asked me on a couple of occassions to go to a function with her and the kids. I don't because I thought it was out of bounds. I keep my distance. Spend this time to heal, take care of yourself and work with your T.

It sounds like you are doing the right things, keep at it and as OutofEgypt said. It gets better.

I can't control what goes on at my ex's house. I can control the environment in my home. I think of my home as a sort of emotional safety net for the kids. An emotionally stable place.

I'm glad that you have found us  

What helps me is posting threads on the co-parenting board. Co-parenting with a PD is extremely difficult and it's good to get feedback and experiences from people that understand. I parallel parent. It's to stop the bleeding. I parent my way in my home with no interference from ex and minimal communication in between for the kids. It works for me for now. With a 1 year old, I'm not sure if you can do that but I would strongly suggest getting practical parenting tips with a baby from the co-parenting board. I hope that helps.