Black vs white vs indifference

[Blimblam]

So my ex actually messaged me I'm sorry!

She deleted me off all social networking.

I wonder if this just means she's indifferent about me. Like beyond black or white thinking just indifferent

[Bak86]

If she were indifferent she wouldn't even think about messaging you.

[Blimblam]

I messaged her. She messaged me back to leave her alone and deleted me off everything said we can't be friends and even messaged "I'm sorry"

[fred6]

I messaged her. She messaged me back to leave her alone and deleted me off everything said we can't be friends and even messaged "I'm sorry"

Probably depends on why you messaged her.

[Blimblam]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

[tim_tom]

you are invoking shame

and are black

[Mutt]

It sounds like you are in the white for now. She sees the world and the people in it in the black and white areas. Difficult for her to see the grey.

Feelings are quicksilver. She's not indifferent. She may have a need or she's testing the waters.

Black, white. You can choose to be indifferent to it Blimblam.

[Blimblam]

All her messages to me have been extremely polite. If I was black I would expect anger.

[Blimblam]

If I was white why would she delete me from everything tell me we can't be friends and and "it doesn't really matter now it's time to move on"

[rickdeckard]

If she were indifferent she wouldn't even think about messaging you.

^^This exactly

Is she saying sorry you cant be friends, sorry for deleting you from everything?

Did you message her first and her response was to delete you and say leave me alone?

What order did this happen in?

[Blimblam]

I messaged her first

[Blimblam]

It's like she's not even angry just doesn't even care

[Bak86]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

[Blimblam]

I mean yes the disorder but is their a point that's beyond black or white just indifference like nothing and permanently just like I never existed?

[Blimblam]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

[rickdeckard]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

Were you reacting to something she said/did?

[Blimblam]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

Were you reacting to something she said/did?

No she didn't reach out I did. 

[Bak86]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

It's a very painful thing to say... .

[Blimblam]

Her response was a very polite. We can't be friends I moved on i love you as a human being I moved on but none of that matters now. Them deleted me from all social network

[tim_tom]

Her response was a very polite. We can't be friends I moved on i love you as a human being I moved on but none of that matters now. Them deleted me from all social network

indifferent doesn't block all social media. You triggered her shame with a message you probably shouldn't of sent. Maybe she was polite because she didn't want you to know you hurt her.

[Blimblam]

I'm just wondering if this means I'm beyond black or white. That she just doesn't care at all.

[Blimblam]

I messages I'm sorry if I hurt you

She messages I didn't hurt her and she is sorry

[Blimblam]

I didn't hurt her. But none of that matters now

[Turkish]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

It's a very painful thing to say... .

I take that message as invalidating to anybody, PD or not. You say don't know why you did, BB. Perhaps you expected a reaction. You got one. In your unpredictability, you got an unpredictable response. How can this be processed? Are you still trying to fix her?

[freedom33]

I'm just wondering if this means I'm beyond black or white. That she just doesn't care at all.

And what would it mean to you if she didn't care Blimblam? How would that feel?

[Blimblam]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

It's a very painful thing to say... .

I take that message as invalidating to anybody, PD or not. You say don't know why you did, BB. Perhaps you expected a reaction. You got one. In your unpredictability, you got an unpredictable response. How can this be processed? Are you still trying to fix her?

I was.

It was a dumb move.

Does that mean I'm black?  Or that she just trully indifferent like I don't exist. That's how it seems. Like beyond black or white

[Blimblam]

I'm just wondering if this means I'm beyond black or white. That she just doesn't care at all.

And what would it mean to you if she didn't care Blimblam? How would that feel?

I'd rather be black than mean nothing.

[freedom33]

I'm just wondering if this means I'm beyond black or white. That she just doesn't care at all.

And what would it mean to you if she didn't care Blimblam? How would that feel?

I'd rather be black than mean nothing.

That's not a feeling. That's a preference.

[Blimblam]

I'm just wondering if this means I'm beyond black or white. That she just doesn't care at all.

And what would it mean to you if she didn't care Blimblam? How would that feel?

I'd rather be black than mean nothing.

That's not a feeling. That's a preference.

The feeling is emptiness.  It's depressing.

[Blimblam]

Do you guys think this means I'm painted black?

[Bak86]

I don't really believe in indifference to be honest.

[Blimblam]

If I mean absolutely nothing it is worst than pain.

[freedom33]

If I mean absolutely nothing it is worst than pain.

It's hard but stay with that pain and feel it fully.

Blimblam - It is not about her. It is about YOU!

[lm911]

You should probably just wait and you will see whether you are black or white. I think that for a minutes you were white because she wrote this and after that you again are black. There is no logic, man. Their brain is damaged.

[tim_tom]

Do you guys think this means I'm painted black?

yes. blocking social media = not happy with you

[Blimblam]

If I mean absolutely nothing it is worst than pain.

It's hard but stay with that pain and feel it fully.

Thank you I will when it comes right now I feel hallow like I don't know how to feel

[freedom33]

If I mean absolutely nothing it is worst than pain.

It's hard but stay with that pain and feel it fully.

Thank you I will when it comes right now I feel hallow like I don't know how to feel

Abandoned and lost maybe?

[Blimblam]

I mean I have known quite a few borderlines I attract them and they attract me. Like at a party last weekend this borderline chick made passes at me like 5 times. The thing is this ex was different like pure borderline with no comorbidities quiet waif. No cutting although she has a bunch of tattoos some she even rated herself on her foot on the bone which is Appearantly extremely painful. She never raged outward. She made huge efforts to contain and handle her disorder. I would say she's on the more functional end. She actively chooses not to drink or do any drugs besides weed which she smokes a ton of.  She takes psychadelics now and then.

[Blimblam]

If I mean absolutely nothing it is worst than pain.

It's hard but stay with that pain and feel it fully.

Thank you I will when it comes right now I feel hallow like I don't know how to feel

Abandoned and lost maybe?

Yes

[rickdeckard]

PD's can be very unpredictable. White one minute, black the next for no obvious reason other than their own. We really cant tell what she is thinking or why she might have decided to suddenly feel that way. Part of the disorder, I guess.

[Turkish]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

It's a very painful thing to say... .

I take that message as invalidating to anybody, PD or not. You say don't know why you did, BB. Perhaps you expected a reaction. You got one. In your unpredictability, you got an unpredictable response. How can this be processed? Are you still trying to fix her?

I was.

It was a dumb move.

Does that mean I'm black?  Or that she just trully indifferent like I don't exist. That's how it seems. Like beyond black or white

I can see where you think it was dumb, but I see it as you being focused on her still, rather than inward. You seem like you're expecting these repeated interactions to provide answers, when in reality they seem to be generating more questions. Who knows if you're black/white/gray or the skittles rainbow?  That's trying to predict someone's thoughts, which is hard enough, of someone who you know is unpredictable. Even if predictable, this changes based upon her moods. It's trying to hit a moving target.

Even if you know you are either/or, what does that provide you other than temporary succor? You know it changes, as do we all here.

[fred6]

If I mean absolutely nothing it is worst than pain.

It's hard but stay with that pain and feel it fully.

Thank you I will when it comes right now I feel hallow like I don't know how to feel

Listen dude, I think we've all been painted black to some extent. A few weeks ago I posted some things about cheaters and karma. She immediately un friended me and a couple days later I sent her a friend request begging her not to stop being my best friend. She added me back as a friend, however since I moved out and been watching her mirror her new supply on Facebook. On Sept. 23 all of her posts stopped. She's a facebookaholic. I'm not blocked and I'm still on her friends list. So obviously she put me on some kind of restricted list or filter of something. I'm kind of bummed about it, but there is nothing that I can do about it but take life one day at a time.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that is fast as she blocked you, she could un block you. Or she may never un block you. But guess what, it's her problem. You are the one healing yourself, not her. You can't make people be your friend, BPD or not. The best you can do is let them go on their merry way. I know it's easier said than done because I'm in the same boat with you. I might snap tomorrow and break NC to my ex. This is just a minor misstep in your end goal.

[Blimblam]

She was pure waif. Although she tried hard to contain her issues like she was constantly trying to not create any kind of waves for anyone. She is also the most giving generous person I ever met In my life. That changed though when she realized I was a giving person and we entered the devaluing stages.

[Waifed]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

I did that... .She went to police because I was harassing her. Total silence since one year later. Don't know if I'm black, white or indifferent but I will never contact her to find out. What's the point?

[Blimblam]

She didn't block me she just deleted me from everythinf

[Blimblam]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

I did that... .She went to police because I was harassing her. Total silence since one year later. Don't know if I'm black, white or indifferent but I will never contact her to find out. What's the point?

I care about her enough I want her to keep that part of my soul.

[Blimblam]

I messaged her the relationships she's in will fail untill she decides to get treatment.

Why did you send this message?

I don't know I just did.

It's a very painful thing to say... .

I take that message as invalidating to anybody, PD or not. You say don't know why you did, BB. Perhaps you expected a reaction. You got one. In your unpredictability, you got an unpredictable response. How can this be processed? Are you still trying to fix her?

I was.

It was a dumb move.

Does that mean I'm black?  Or that she just trully indifferent like I don't exist. That's how it seems. Like beyond black or white

I can see where you think it was dumb, but I see it as you being focused on her still, rather than inward. You seem like you're expecting these repeated interactions to provide answers, when in reality they seem to be generating more questions. Who knows if you're black/white/gray or the skittles rainbow?  That's trying to predict someone's thoughts, which is hard enough, of someone who you know is unpredictable. Even if predictable, this changes based upon her moods. It's trying to hit a moving target.

Even if you know you are either/or, what does that provide you other than temporary succor? You know it changes, as do we all here.

Yea I guess it always changes it's just that somehow felt more rejecting than anything

[Waifed]

Do you guys think this means I'm painted black?

She responded so probably not at that moment. Now, who knows. Take care of yourself. It doesn't matter how she feels about you. I know that is hard to believe but it's true. Her feelings for you do not define who you are as a person. You feelings for yourself are what matters the most and they are what you must learn to focus on.

[Blimblam]

Do you guys think this means I'm painted black?

She responded so probably not at that moment. Now, who knows. Take care of yourself. It doesn't matter how she feels about you. I know that is hard to believe but it's true. Her feelings for you do not define who you are as a person. You feelings for yourself are what matters the most and they are what you must learn to focus on.

Waif I don't know I just care

[tim_tom]

Yea I guess it always changes it's just that somehow felt more rejecting than anything

fwiw... you are an addict that just lost access to his supply.

As long as you were tooling around on her FB, you weren't allowing yourself to detach and move on. Today feels like day 1 of BU, and I'm sorry that you are going through this but you have been prolonging your own pain...

I never once searched my ex's name in google. I barely respond to contact, outside of 1 bad day 3 weeks ago, I have no idea if she has a BF (although, i'd guess she does) , i have no idea what is going on her life (to the point that it bothers her, she baits me with nuggets and I ignore it)

I just have no interest in knowing what she is doing. Why? It keeps the attachment in place and that is not healthy for me.

Any hopes of a recycle will not be successful till much, much more distance is created. You need to grow on your own for now, and let go.

[Waifed]

Do you guys think this means I'm painted black?

She responded so probably not at that moment. Now, who knows. Take care of yourself. It doesn't matter how she feels about you. I know that is hard to believe but it's true. Her feelings for you do not define who you are as a person. You feelings for yourself are what matters the most and they are what you must learn to focus on.

Waif I don't know I just care

I know you are hurting right now. Take a deep breath and try to stay focused on the here and now. You'll get through this day and tomorrow will be better. You can do this. You deserve better and you know it.

[irishmarmot]

I agree with Waif.  The BU is a process don't be hard on yourself.   You will eventually detach to the point where thinking about her will not make you feel unhappy anymore.   It is a slow process with little victories and defeats.  But in the end you will be ok.  So keep posting.

[Blimblam]

Thanks guys. Obviously the hooks are in deep and I was well trained to be codependent in this relationship.  Out if some sense of obligation.  I have acted in ways I didn't act in my previous relationship.  

[Blimblam]

Well folks

I realize she is indifferent.

If you want you BPD ex to become indifferent message them how badly they hurt you and demand an apology.  When you finally get an I'm sorry is when they have fully let you go.

[Blimblam]

I realize now that it was my own compulsion to want her to change that causes this. This is my issue she is who she is I have to accept that. She is disordered those are the cards she was Delt the likeliness she will do what it takes to grow from this are slim and yes it's sad but it is what it is. She accepts herself as having the disorder. I wanted her to be someone she is not. I wasn't whole enough to just accept her as disordered and that is my own issue.

[Blimblam]

My issue with accepting where people are at is a reflection of my own issue of accepting where I am at. I just have to accept people for who they are.

[goldylamont]

I realize now that it was my own compulsion to want her to change that causes this. This is my issue she is who she is I have to accept that. She is disordered those are the cards she was Delt the likeliness she will do what it takes to grow from this are slim and yes it's sad but it is what it is. She accepts herself as having the disorder. I wanted her to be someone she is not. I wasn't whole enough to just accept her as disordered and that is my own issue.

... .

My issue with accepting where people are at is a reflection of my own issue of accepting where I am at. I just have to accept people for who they are.

oh Blimblam! I was juuuuuuust about to say something to you and then you just said it yourself. it's good here that you are taking responsibility for your side here.

in all honesty, your ex has been infinitely more communicative and understanding than my experience. but then again i hardly ever initiated my ex... .keeping to these stark 'rules' of tit-for-tat-ness i have would only initiate communication with my ex as much or less than she would take initiative to contact me  . i guess i like it even steven.

i do think your ex is growing more towards indifference. at this point there's been so many highs and lows, other people in the mix... .i think it is inevitable regardless of what you do. but, this wasn't the first message you sent wanting an apology, right? haven't you sent many, many other such messages (or told her in person) how you feel? hearing the same thing repeatedly is the cause for indifference. it's why we tend to always suggest you don't send the message at all, because we know it won't get the apology you wanted... .but it can over time, if sent again and again, actually decrease in power.

all of our r/s came to an end. full stop. mine is no different than yours, just the path we took is different. we could tell you over and over to stop asking for apologies, but in reality i think you need to push your ex so completely into indifference so that you can finally stop trying. maybe this is something you are doing just to prove that it's over to yourself. either way, i still enjoy our conversations.

[Take2]

When you finally get an I'm sorry is when they have fully let you go.

Actually that's not always true.  I've been given that type of I'm sorry multiple times in the past.  I allowed myself to be recycle far too many times and I understand that intense pain from the emptiness inside that it sounds like you're feeling.  It really is the withdrawal from the addiction.  And as goldy said (I think), the reality is that it's our own issue.  It's pretty easy to see that it's my own issues keeping me addicted to someone who has gone from being a great guy to a truly cruel abusive man in the last two years.  

I will tell you that in my situation at least, that type of I'm sorry didn't mean the end.  No matter how many times I was told it was.  It really is only a matter of which way the wind is blowing for my ex.  Or more likely whether or not he was finding an acceptable replacement at any particular time.  

You said it in another thread that I just read, but it's a journey toward healing... . a long, long one for many of us... .  the best thing you can do is what others here have said, let go... .  let go of your panicked feelings, let go of needing to know whether you are black or white or purple, let go of trying to control it.   You will still think about her.  But there is nothing you can do to change her.  Accept that.   Yes.  She very well may be back.  And while that may make the pain inside ease slightly it's actually not helpful for your own long term healing.  

One day at a time... . 

[heartandwhole]

I realize now that it was my own compulsion to want her to change that causes this. This is my issue she is who she is I have to accept that. She is disordered those are the cards she was Delt the likeliness she will do what it takes to grow from this are slim and yes it's sad but it is what it is. She accepts herself as having the disorder. I wanted her to be someone she is not. I wasn't whole enough to just accept her as disordered and that is my own issue.

Hi Blimblam,

It sounds like you are feeling that you have somehow failed in this relationship. That if you had only been able to accept her unconditionally, things would have worked out. It's a wise statement to say that you wanted her to be someone she is not, I think many of us have felt and behaved that way, and that can be painful for both our partners and ourselves. You are taking responsibility for your side of the street, which is very important.

Please remember, though, that your ex's issues and inabilities to create a healthy relationship with you are not your fault. You are not responsible for both sides of the street. And no matter how "perfectly" you might have loved her, that is no guarantee that the relationship would have been good and healthy for you both. We just don't have that much power, Blim. We can't love and understand the disorder away (especially when we don't extend that love and understanding to ourselves at the same time). Our partners are responsible for their mental and emotional health, just as we are.

Be gentle with yourself and try to release the "what ifs." I know it's hard. It's okay to love her—I feel love for pwBPD, too. We can love and feel compassion and understand and accept and still walk away... .

Because we've discovered that it's best for us, because love with a capital "L" always includes ourselves. 

heart

[honeysuckle]

Blimblam,

I am so sorry to see you struggling like this and I feel your pain. You have been a wise voice to me on many of my confused posts and I know you know how to get out of this. It sounds to me like you are currently stuck in this cycle of thinking and I know you will eventually find your way out when you are ready. This is just a rough time in the process. You keep asking the same question over and over. No one wants to feel the person you loved most in the world is indifferent to you. I have felt that way myself. What answer were you looking for? I am so sorry. 

[Blimblam]

Thanks guys.

I'm feeling a lot better now.

The support I recieve here has been invaluable in my healing.

Smeagle may pop up his head again in the future. It ain't pretty but her projections broke down that barier within and now I got to tame that dragon. I can only tame my own. Just like she has to tame her own n

[freedom33]

What a painful process. I am sorry for what you have been through. Yes the barriers have been broken. It is less about taming and more about nurishing and protecting what you found within you. Take care of yourself fron now on buddy and offer that radical unconditioning acceptance to yourself. YOU deserve it!