Another contact...

[Depression = 72% of members]

On my 1st posts in here I was positive she was never going to contact me as some of you guys think in you current stage. She transformed herself last time I saw her when she ended the RS with me she wasn't the girl I once knew.

No emotions, no feelings, I got the ''I don't love you anymore''  no nothing I was shocked. Always saying how bad I treated her... Wow, you guys have no idea what a great BF I was but that doesn't matter for them at all.

Now she tries to get in touch with me saying... .Hi----Won't you ever talk to me again?---- I want to see you and talk with you----Things ended very bad---- All the things I said and told you where a lie because I wanted to be alone... .

Wow I have no words to describe this. I will stay NC but you guys have no idea how hard it is... .Sometimes I feel like... .Was I really the bad guy, did I treated her so badly... .? But I think HER starting to manipulate again makes you feel this way. Am I wrong ?

[bunnysc]

On my 1st posts in here I was positive she was never going to contact me as some of you guys think in you current stage. She transformed herself last time I saw her when she ended the RS with me she wasn't the girl I once knew.

No emotions, no feelings, I got the ''I don't love you anymore''  no nothing I was shocked. Always saying how bad I treated her... Wow, you guys have no idea what a great BF I was but that doesn't matter for them at all.

Now she tries to get in touch with me saying... .Hi----Won't you ever talk to me again?---- I want to see you and talk with you----Things ended very bad---- All the things I said and told you where a lie because I wanted to be alone... .

Wow I have no words to describe this. I will stay NC but you guys have no idea how hard it is... .Sometimes I feel like... .Was I really the bad guy, did I treated her so badly... .? But I think HER starting to manipulate again makes you feel this way. Am I wrong ?

[merlin4926]

I've been in the same boat doubting if I've have done the right thing and did I over react etc etc. But it is manipulation. Unfortunately the person with no feelings is part of her (or at least her BPD). Having gone several rounds with my ex believe me 'the old her' won't return for long and you're just in store for more pain if you break nc. Stay strong x

[Recooperating]

This to me is the hardest part with staying NC!

Mine ended this cycle in a rage telling me I was the biggest b___ on earth. Just like you I bend over backwards and then some for this guy. So unfair! But ok, its over then. It isnt easy staying NC when they painted you black and dont contact you, but when they paint you white again and start the pleads and begs... .Damn bring out the stray jacket to keep you from responding! It is soo hard! Untill now I alsways got sucked back in and it always ended in the same chaos, drama and abusive bs.

I am doung everything I can to not be reachable, findable for the pleas... .

Blocked him in every way I can, got of any social media platform I know... .

Sometimes Im even paranoid he'll find me here on these boards!

Hang in there! Stay strong! You can do it!

No one who says these awefull things about you, who disrespects you like that deserves your love and attention! Damn hard... .I know... .

[Bak86]

Posts like these make me scared for the future. So far she hasn't tried a recycle, apart from being friends. 4,5 months out of our relationship now. At this moment i don't think she will ever try to contact me, but who knows... .

[bunnysc]

I've been in the same boat doubting if I've have done the right thing and did I over react etc etc. But it is manipulation. Unfortunately the person with no feelings is part of her (or at least her BPD). Having gone several rounds with my ex believe me 'the old her' won't return for long and you're just in store for more pain if you break nc. Stay strong x

Its the same feeling I have, but its just very hard to accept it. ''The old her'' is what kills me the most cause I know it will never be the same NEVER, maybe for a few days, or even hours but after that it may just be WORSE... I feel like in a black hole at the moment. Braking NC at first may trick your mind and ''Feel the old her again'' and you feel good for a while. But as you say, it will all end in drama and crap again... And to be honest I don't feel strong enough to live that 1 more time.ITS JUST HORRIBLE :'(

This to me is the hardest part with staying NC!

Mine ended this cycle in a rage telling me I was the biggest b___ on earth. Just like you I bend over backwards and then some for this guy. So unfair! But ok, its over then. It isnt easy staying NC when they painted you black and dont contact you, but when they paint you white again and start the pleads and begs... .Damn bring out the stray jacket to keep you from responding! It is soo hard! Untill now I alsways got sucked back in and it always ended in the same chaos, drama and abusive bs.

I am doung everything I can to not be reachable, findable for the pleas... .

Blocked him in every way I can, got of any social media platform I know... .

Sometimes Im even paranoid he'll find me here on these boards!

Hang in there! Stay strong! You can do it!

No one who says these awefull things about you, who disrespects you like that deserves your love and attention! Damn hard... .I know... .

Empathy

Totally right, the feeling of being painted black is horrible, and now being painted white it just so crazy I have no words to describe how terrible it is... .When they paint you white its when you feel yourself guilty and start thinking again about everything, in my case I start blaming myself or if I was the crazy one goshh... I guess this is the result of ''manipulation''

[pieceofme]

Now she tries to get in touch with me saying... .Hi----Won't you ever talk to me again?---- I want to see you and talk with you----Things ended very bad---- All the things I said and told you where a lie because I wanted to be alone... .

i heard the EXACT same. in my case, "i wanted to be alone" ALWAYS meant there was someone else    the lies never stop.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines don't have the ability to connect with people the way you and I define connect; that's because they never successfully detached from their primary caregiver, usually their mother.  It takes a successful detachment and the development that follows to form our own 'self', at which point we go out in the world and form relationships with other 'selves.'  What a borderline is looking for is someone to 'complete' them, by assimilating the parts of you she finds attractive, the good in you to balance the bad she sees in herself.  Problem is it doesn't work, she gets too close and feels engulfed, feels like she's losing whatever self she has, so she pushes away.  And then feels abandoned, the perpetual dance, too close feel engulfed, too far away feel abandoned, so she tries to pull you back.  Standard borderline, apply as needed, and also connect with what a hell on earth it must be if you're wired like that.

Yes we do know how hard it is, each of us has been there.  We go into these relationships thinking we're with someone who can meet us on a 'normal' level, not knowing they have a personality disorder, and then get caught up in the way it manifests in the beginning, with the idealization, the mirroring, the dream-come-true.  It's also a measure of how healthy and mature we are ourselves, how much we put up with, how long we stay, and we need to be careful how much of the responsibility we assign to ourselves as we detach; some of it was us, some wasn't, if we're honest, and it's helpful to own our part and nothing else.  Take care of you!

[bunnysc]

Thanks for the words  . I am being strong so they won't dance with me. I have to take care of myself which is the hardest part.

I don't know why I get this feeling, but the thing is that I feel I am harming her for not answering or leaving her in the ''unknown''... .( I know its the correct thing to do to protect myself) I feel horrible and very bad in the inside for staying NC and acting this way.

Its the same feeling I get when I wanted to leave her in the first months of the RS. Something I was never able to do because I felt I was going to harm her really bad (And I actually liked her and cared about her even tho a lot of   's where in the air)

But why the heck do I feel bad for doing all this, when apparently she was or still is doing a crazy life dating random guys or doing stu*&ip things late at night etc... Cause she can't be alone by herself, she's always having a plan for going out... .

 

[fromheeltoheal]

But why the heck do I feel bad for doing all this

The answers to that question are fertile field for growth, but one thought is because in the beginning we felt very differently about our exes, would have done anything for them, were open-heartedly trying to build as healthy a relationship as we were capable.  And then surprise!  The disorder showed up, and our exes went from a dream come true to a nightmare, someone we were immensely attracted to, to someone with a mental illness, and we were forced to abandon ship to save ourselves.  But those original feelings remain, making it all very difficult, even though we know intellectually it's the right thing to do.

[bunnysc]

But why the heck do I feel bad for doing all this

The answers to that question are fertile field for growth, but one thought is because in the beginning we felt very differently about our exes, would have done anything for them, were open-heartedly trying to build as healthy a relationship as we were capable.  And then surprise!  The disorder showed up, and our exes went from a dream come true to a nightmare, someone we were immensely attracted to, to someone with a mental illness, and we were forced to abandon ship to save ourselves.  But those original feelings remain, making it all very difficult, even though we know intellectually it's the right thing to do.

That's^^ the most terrifying, just even thinking about it... How they don't even realize inside the damage they can do... .Even worse just trashing you like an old kleenex as a member said. I don't have the heart to do that to  someone. Crap even if I met a new girl I will constantly be thinking about her  ... .But they just attach to whatever gets in their way first, SO SAD

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't have the heart to do that to  someone.

But you might if you were in constant pain and need driven; BPD is about getting needs met, full time.  Very painful when we realize that, but much more fruitful to look at why we fell for what we fell for, how we contributed to the dysfunction, and what we can learn on the other side of in; using the pain as motivation can be very fruitful.