Sucked in again...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

You know that scene in Jurassic Park where the car falls from the tree and the little boy says, "Well... .we're back... .in the car again."

I went back into Oz... .again.  

I made it out of Oz for the 1st time in 2006 with a brief visit in 2007.  This most recent trip has lasted about a year maybe year and a half.  It is not with a romantic partner, but a "friend."  

When I look back at the circumstances during the onset of the interactions, I am not terribly surprised that it happened.  I was not on my game, which is often when it happens.  My severe NPD/BPD grandmother was dying and I was a caregiver, then she passed away and I dealt with a hefty portion of the estate (still am and this was in 2013), I had just finished my MSEd program, thesis and 1st state board exam.  

Funny thing is, my gut knew.  I always had a little twitch... .whenever I ignore my twitchy gut, I pay for it later.  Here is the situation: My "friend" is a therapist and I thought this made her uncomfortable comments and boundary crossings okay because obviously there was something I was doing wrong, something I needed to learn, or I was just too sensitive (sound familiar?)  I am not fully convinced she is NPD/BPD simply because she is an active addict (I found out well into the friendship and clinically you try not to diagnose a PD during the active phases of addiction), extremely codependent and her partner is very BPD.  She may be mirroring and not organically BPD... .but when it comes down to it... .does that even matter?  No, not really, the behaviors are the same and so are the emotional consequences.  She is BPD-like and that is close enough.  It is toxic and I had to leave.    

So... .during the relationship, I knew something was off, but assumed it was me (habit from years before, I guess) and life kept coming at us.  My mother-in-law died less than a year after my grandmother and we dealt with that estate too (still are to some extent) so I never had enough emotional energy to devote to figuring out what, exactly, was wrong.  

Then, this past weekend, it hit me... .hard.  I have been trying to be this "better person" for the sake of my one friendship.  ONE friendship.  Meaning: my husband, my family, all my other friends love me and accept me as I was... .as I am.  This was the only friend who required me to change or be different.  It is kinda like picture pages, which one of these is not like the other?  

So now here I am, accepting that I chose to ignore the red flags, the gut feelings, the boundary crossing, the outright emotional/verbal abuse from time to time... .and accept the fact that I allowed myself to get here.  I allowed it to happen... .again.  I am trying not to beat myself up about it, I have already sent her a message explaining that I cannot continue in the friendship.  I feel better, but bruised.  

It triggered my past history of abuse and BPD/NPD experiences.  It triggered my own recovery (10 years in as of this month and still going) and past addiction issues... .and I allowed it.  

I am a therapist and I missed it.  I fell under the spell of the poppy field and wondered right back into Oz.  (Deep Breaths).  But I have already clicked my heels, and I am home and rediscovering my firm boundaries and re-tuning my ear to my gut and my instincts.

As always, thanks for listening and allowing me to vent and process.  And again, thank you for the support of just being here.  

[aboutabrownie]

You know that scene in Jurassic Park where the car falls from the tree and the little boy says, "Well... .we're back... .in the car again."

I went back into Oz... .again.  

I made it out of Oz for the 1st time in 2006 with a brief visit in 2007.  This most recent trip has lasted about a year maybe year and a half.  It is not with a romantic partner, but a "friend."  

When I look back at the circumstances during the onset of the interactions, I am not terribly surprised that it happened.  I was not on my game, which is often when it happens.  My severe NPD/BPD grandmother was dying and I was a caregiver, then she passed away and I dealt with a hefty portion of the estate (still am and this was in 2013), I had just finished my MSEd program, thesis and 1st state board exam.  

Funny thing is, my gut knew.  I always had a little twitch... .whenever I ignore my twitchy gut, I pay for it later.  Here is the situation: My "friend" is a therapist and I thought this made her uncomfortable comments and boundary crossings okay because obviously there was something I was doing wrong, something I needed to learn, or I was just too sensitive (sound familiar?)  I am not fully convinced she is NPD/BPD simply because she is an active addict (I found out well into the friendship and clinically you try not to diagnose a PD during the active phases of addiction), extremely codependent and her partner is very BPD.  She may be mirroring and not organically BPD... .but when it comes down to it... .does that even matter?  No, not really, the behaviors are the same and so are the emotional consequences.  She is BPD-like and that is close enough.  It is toxic and I had to leave.    

So... .during the relationship, I knew something was off, but assumed it was me (habit from years before, I guess) and life kept coming at us.  My mother-in-law died less than a year after my grandmother and we dealt with that estate too (still are to some extent) so I never had enough emotional energy to devote to figuring out what, exactly, was wrong.  

Then, this past weekend, it hit me... .hard.  I have been trying to be this "better person" for the sake of my one friendship.  ONE friendship.  Meaning: my husband, my family, all my other friends love me and accept me as I was... .as I am.  This was the only friend who required me to change or be different.  It is kinda like picture pages, which one of these is not like the other?  

So now here I am, accepting that I chose to ignore the red flags, the gut feelings, the boundary crossing, the outright emotional/verbal abuse from time to time... .and accept the fact that I allowed myself to get here.  I allowed it to happen... .again.  I am trying not to beat myself up about it, I have already sent her a message explaining that I cannot continue in the friendship.  I feel better, but bruised.  

It triggered my past history of abuse and BPD/NPD experiences.  It triggered my own recovery (10 years in as of this month and still going) and past addiction issues... .and I allowed it.  

I am a therapist and I missed it.  I fell under the spell of the poppy field and wondered right back into Oz.  (Deep Breaths).  But I have already clicked my heels, and I am home and rediscovering my firm boundaries and re-tuning my ear to my gut and my instincts.

As always, thanks for listening and allowing me to vent and process.  And again, thank you for the support of just being here.  

[doubleAries]

This in itself sounds a lot like the "mirroring" you reference, no?

Have recently had something of a revelation about this type of thing... .

Long story, but in a brief nutshell, my son was basically stolen from me 25 years ago when he was 3, by my lawyer, who gave him (son) to some friends of his (lawyers friends) who were unable to adopt because the woman is a diagnosed BPD and her husband was convicted of murdering his own brother.

Now the more pertinent part--my son (who will be 28 in a couple of months) has come to stay with me for a while, making a Herculean effort to change his life (he had some doozy "training" with this couple of how to be a useless and dangerous member of society). Obviously, this is a very emotionally charged situation for both of us, but it's working out pretty well.

Last week, we had our first blow up. There was lots of yelling and posturing. Fortunately, very little venom that can't be taken back. Then we sat down and worked it out, resolving the issues and discussing the emotions actually behind them. Then we engaged in some shared soul searching. This of course took hours.

I felt "bad" that this happened. I thought I'm not as far along in my own journey of self improvement as I thought I was or this wouldn't have happened. I should know better than this--what kind of an example am I to him, when I keep preaching communication skills and then I myself use a door slam to communicate? I was distressed about the "wasted time" involved, as it was a busy day where things needed to get done and instead the day was "wasted" on a blow up that should never have happened in the first place.

The good news is, it took less than a week to realize something important. Yes, I realize my situation/scenario is quite different than yours, but I think the realization still applies.

The goal is not to NEVER MAKE A MISTAKE. The goal is to immediately own up to the mistakes and do what needs to be done to resolve them appropriately.

My own mother is a Sadistic PD (no longer in the DSM, unfortunately). I haven't had contact with her for over 22 years now. That has certainly removed me from her scorched earth reality, but has not taught me to deal with the world at large any differently. What has helped immensely with that (dealing with the world at large differently) is reading about the Karpman triangle and how to pole vault myself off it.

So it's layers of an onion--I DID do the right thing in the initial problem. I immediately addressed and resolved the communication breakdown. THEN (slower, but need more practice) I recognized the wallowing on the Karpman triangle ("I'm a victim--a victim of son and his yelling, victim of own auto-pilot behaviors, etc" and realized I'm not really going to be able to avoid uncomfortable situations--I'm just going to learn to deal with them differently.

I'm working on changing my reaction when I am triggered (including just owning up to it), rather than blame someone else for triggering me and then banishing them.

Sometimes we fall back into the same old hole because we haven't resolved our part yet. But maybe falling into the hole isn't the problem, but how we crawl back out is. I'm actually a little grateful this time around about falling into the same hole, because it gave me opportunity to see how differently I crawled back out was. And even to notice that many times I have crawled back out in a pretty good way but because of my victim/rescuer perspective, never gave myself credit for it.

Hey, you crawled back out of the hole--that's what it's all about, right? 

[Lucky Jim]

whenever I ignore my twitchy gut, I pay for it later.

Hey aboutabrownie, I'm with you.  I ignored my gut feelings for years while married to my BPDxW and it got me into a lot of trouble.  Now I try to "think from the neck down" and listen to my gut more.  It's all part of being authentic, in my view, after losing myself for a while there in a BPD r/s.

Lucky Jim

[aboutabrownie]

Thank you very much for the support.  It is invaluable. 

It has been uncomfortable (since we work together and our offices are across the hall), I have been cordial (smile and say hello) and I have gotten the cold shoulder and completely ignored... .which is fine and what did I expect?

I am still coming to terms with the experience but the anxiety has dropped since I cut off the "friendship" and I am starting to feel better about it - I know I did the right thing for me and I don't owe anyone explanations. 

Thanks again.