Cheating

[peiper]

Im still so crushed that she cheated 6 weeks after we were married/ And now she is bragging it up on Facebook about how great her life is now. I wonder now if she ever did love me.

[Tiepje3]

Remember it is about you, it is not about her, what she did, what she's doing now, what she's going to do. Focus on you!

You do not deserve to be cheated on. You do deserve to be loved, if not by her, then by yourself.

Be kind to yourself. What she did is not your responsibility. Let it go.

I know, it's easier said than done. I'm recovering from being cheated on as well. It hurts like hell, but there's nothing you can do. Just do not doubt yourself. She was the one who cheated. You didn't do anything wrong.

[peiper]

Remember it is about you, it is not about her, what she did, what she's doing now, what she's going to do. Focus on you!

You do not deserve to be cheated on. You do deserve to be loved, if not by her, then by yourself.

Be kind to yourself. What she did is not your responsibility. Let it go.

I know, it's easier said than done. I'm recovering from being cheated on as well. It hurts like hell, but there's nothing you can do. Just do not doubt yourself. She was the one who cheated. You didn't do anything wrong.

Your right, she had me so sucked into thinking I could trust her with my heart and she would never cheat. This really is a punch in the gut.

[Pieter2]

Sorry to hear about that - Terrible to say the least. The fact is that you need to come up with an action plan now. You can't just sit around hoping to feel better. Go excercise, visit friends, go watch some sports or movies or whatever you're into. Just know that it is going to be a tough road, but with the right plan and some action you'll feel better. Remember: It says nothing about who you are, rather it says something about who SHE is. Good luck buddy. I'm rooting for you.

[peiper]

Sorry to hear about that - Terrible to say the least. The fact is that you need to come up with an action plan now. You can't just sit around hoping to feel better. Go excercise, visit friends, go watch some sports or movies or whatever you're into. Just know that it is going to be a tough road, but with the right plan and some action you'll feel better. Remember: It says nothing about who you are, rather it says something about who SHE is. Good luck buddy. I'm rooting for you.

Thank you so much Pieter2

[camuse]

Read some more of pieter's posts. I felt very stupid and angry when I realised I had trusted mine, and she'd cheated anyway.

It's a punch in the gut for sure, but it says nothing about you - only about them.

What kind of person does that? Not someone you want in your life, that's for sure. Screw her. Who want a woman like that?

You will be thinking about this for a while, but that's ok - in the meantime, start looking after number one. Be your own best friend, respect yourself, let her go and do her own dirty thing - she'll cheat again, that's what she does. You don't need that crap in your life - respect yourself, shut her out of your mind and be the great person you are. Respect your body, work out, run ... .respect your mind, do the things you enjoy, be good to yourself. Be a great person, and let great people into your life. Shut out broken deceitful lying cheats, let them go wreck their lives without you.

Sorry this happened to you, but remember - it's all about your response. You can't control someone's actions, only your reaction. And your reaction is, what a scumbag. Screw her, she wrecked something good in her life, and missed out on a great guy. Then go be that great guy

Take care mate.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man,

To echo the others, it is not a reflection of you.  So, don't carry it on you like you did something wrong (because musing about and torturing yourself with questions about if she ever loved you IS, basically, carrying it as though you did something wrong).  My ex did horrible, horrible things to me, but she still maintains (and sometimes tells me) that she loves me and always will.  What does that mean?  I don't know and don't care to spend my time wondering about it.  It doesn't matter.  My new life is what matters.  My children are what matter.  Keeping my head above water and keeping her *out* of it is what matters.

[clydegriffith]

I feel your pain. Hopefully there are no kids involved and that should make breaking away and healing a lot easier.

I walked in on my child's mother with one of my friends only to find out that wasn't the only person she was fooling around with. I don't believe a BPD is capable of loving. They may say it all the time, and they actually mean it when they say it, but it's not real. She used me and had my child to try and escape the mess she made for herself with her ex-husband and children. She just had another baby and is running the same game on another poor soul. 4 kids by 3 guys in 6 years and she has zero shame. It's very humiliating to have that as the mother of my child.

[walksoftly]

Im sorry,

Its very difficult to heal from infidelity. I found out that my ex tried on a few men before she found the "right " one. He's 12 years older than her, going through his third messy divorce with children and is completely broke. So wow! Then she has the nerve to judge me on my relationships so I had to remind her that my relationships occurred after our divorce not before!

I continually tell her I have concerns with my daughter living with two people who lack integrity and my daughter is feeling the same way as she expresses it in her own way. My ex response to my daughter wanting more time with me?... ."Stop manipulating her." 

I cant belive how incredibly selfish these two are... .

[OutOfEgypt]

walksoftly, I realize this is off-topic but I had to comment on what you wrote because it hit so close to home.  I'm realizing quickly that telling my BPD ex about my concerns for our children when in her care really does only one thing:  it paints a target on me and on my children.  It does nothing good, not one thing.  If I dare to share the complaints I hear from my children with her, she essentially punishes them in ridiculous ways or works even harder at invalidating their feelings and perceptions.  Unfortunately, I think it comes down to basically two options... .pursue legal matters if there is a real, provable case of child abuse or neglect, or otherwise keep quiet, be a resource for your children so that they know they can tell you things without it getting back to their mother, and coach them on how to survive and cope in that environment while validating all of their feelings about it.  So, unless you pursue legal means, pressing your ex on her lack of integrity or whatever is only going to press her to attack you more, make things harder for your daughter, and likely work at alienating her from you.

[clydegriffith]

I agree with egypt. You can't criticize or try to reason with the BPD as that will only lead to more attacks on you. Put it this way, regardless of what you say, the BPD is going to do what they want one way or the other, right? You may feel morally inclined to voice your opinon but in the end is it worth what is sure to follow?

[walksoftly]

Thank you for the advice... .

My daughter, who is nine and a half, has stopped her tears on the way to the drop off point. I asked her why she wasnt crying the last time and she responded that she was holding it in and was thinking of the good times.  She constantly tells me she wants more parenting time with me but I tell her its currently a reality we have to deal with. My daughter sais she will ask for more time (to her mom) every day and I respond that she's better ask every other day... in the end, I get emails from my ex stating that I am manipulating her.

If my ex was to validate my daughters feeling she would have to come to terms with her decisions and that would be too painful for her - so she just blames.

I truly overestimate my ex ability to have compassion and empathy for my little one but its just not there.

Thank-you for the posts

[OutOfEgypt]

walkingsoftly, it sucks!  I'm sorry. I'm in a very similar boat with my girls.  My 14 year old cries the first night back almost every time I get them back.  When it is time to go back, they don't want to go.  My youngest wants to be with me all the time.

[walksoftly]

OutofEgypt:

It does and I really feel for her - When her mom dropped her off last time she was engaged in a road rage incident and my daughter was upset. My daughter has mentioned several times that she wishes her mother was more like my new girlfriend.

I cant imagine what its like for her to live with her mother full time and spend time with her mothers new partner who turns out to be a bit of a controller. Hes the new step parent and hes never step parented before so you can imagine how he would see to it that hes the new and improved father so hes going to parent this little girl the right way -  with full endorsement from my ex of course. How long this will last I dont know but she did the same with her other partners.

[peiper]

Im sorry,

Its very difficult to heal from infidelity. I found out that my ex tried on a few men before she found the "right " one. He's 12 years older than her, going through his third messy divorce with children and is completely broke. So wow! Then she has the nerve to judge me on my relationships so I had to remind her that my relationships occurred after our divorce not before!

I continually tell her I have concerns with my daughter living with two people who lack integrity and my daughter is feeling the same way as she expresses it in her own way. My ex response to my daughter wanting more time with me?... ."Stop manipulating her." 

I cant belive how incredibly selfish these two are... .

I hear ya there. Mine is living in a motor home in Frisco with her Airline pilot boyfriend. I never have been able to fathom what two cheats who get together think they are getting. My dad always said once a cheat always a cheat.

[walksoftly]

The problem is that my ex will be infatuated with her new partner and will try to have her own daughter do the same. Basically forcing her to like him. At first everything is great but when the reality of day to day living comes into play then my daughter will wear it- already is I suspect.  The best way to deal with it is to give her tools to overcome any domestic situations that will come up- you see, theres no room for a child to be a child when your mother is BPD- she needs all of the attention. The kids sit back with butterflies in their stomachs(as my daughter describes it) and watch the new father try to calm her down. 

A relationship based on cheating has a very unstable foundation.

Her third marriage

His fourth

Should be interesting

[fred6]

My dad always said once a cheat always a cheat.

That's what my uxBPD always said whenever the topic came up. She also said that she hated cheaters, that she has been cheated on before so she knows how bad it feels, and that she has never and would never cheat on anyone.

Until of course I caught her cheating on me. When she finally admitted it. I reminded her of her words, "once a cheater always a cheater". I asked her if that now applied to her. In a cold remorseless voice, she said "yes" and walked away looking at me like she hated me. Even though she said that she has never cheated on anyone before. She also said that she would never cheat on anyone. I BET I'M NOT THE FIRST! Lying POS skank... .

[peiper]

My dad always said once a cheat always a cheat.

That's what my uxBPD always said whenever the topic came up. She also said that she hated cheaters, that she has been cheated on before so she knows how bad it feels, and that she has never and would never cheat on anyone.

Until of course I caught her cheating on me. When she finally admitted it. I reminded her of her words, "once a cheater always a cheater". I asked her if that now applied to her. In a cold remorseless voice, she said "yes" and walked away looking at me like she hated me. Even though she said that she has never cheated on anyone before. She also said that she would never cheat on anyone. I BET I'M NOT THE FIRST! Lying POS skank... .

Looking back on it now, being she lived 200 miles away, I wonder if she was really divorced when we first got together. Maybe not.