Lack of Understanding Severity of Transgressions

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDx used to do crazy things then act as if nothing happened at all.

She opened up a bunch of credit cards using one of her friend's info and when she had to go on one of her court dates for it she called that friend's mom asking her for a ride home.

When i caught her in bed with one of my friends she called me the next day and asked for help doing laundry. Like nothing happened at all. No big deal.

Is this how all people with BPD are or does it fall under a certain subtype?

[clydegriffith]

My BPDx used to do crazy things then act as if nothing happened at all.

She opened up a bunch of credit cards using one of her friend's info and when she had to go on one of her court dates for it she called that friend's mom asking her for a ride home.

When i caught her in bed with one of my friends she called me the next day and asked for help doing laundry. Like nothing happened at all. No big deal.

Is this how all people with BPD are or does it fall under a certain subtype?

[vortex of confusion]

From what I have read and how I have experienced things, I don't think some of them fully understand the severity of their actions or how those actions might impact others. I think it might have to do with dissociation.

My husband still seems to have a huge disconnect between the fact that he has done some horrible things and how I have been impacted. For the longest time, I thought I was completely crazy for wanting to make such a big deal out of some of the things that he has done. He acts as though I am the one that is crazy or misguided because I can't let some things go.

I am talking about things like him using me as part of his sex addiction. He still does not seem to comprehend why I cannot check back into the relationship and act as though nothing is wrong. What is worse for me is that I feel like he is using his therapy and 12 step program as something to wave in my face to show how great he is and how I should be able to forget everything that he has done to me.

[maxen]

i experienced this wholesale. my stbxw would never, under any circumstances, discuss the content of her actions. only my reactions were the problem. sometimes the fact that i reacted at all was the problem. and i'm talking about some pretty severe abuse.

i'm no professional, so how this fits in with the BPD or cluster B schema i can't comment on. it certainly shows a level of emotional development arrested at a very young point, if you take "maturity" to mean "understanding that other people are people too." it became clear from the things my wife said after she bolted that i had been for her a cardboard cutout, a thing who had a function, but i failed in that function. and as soon as she was gone i was almost a non-factor. the few (three, i think) direct interactions we've had over the last 13 months suggest a person who simply does not comprehend what's she's done.

i was able, though, to use it to detach. what i had known but sidestepped during the marriage was now on view in technicolor: my w simply isn't capable of that level of interpersonality that you need for a happy, adult r/s. there's nothing to go back to. it was very violating at the time to be treated like that, and for the future i must make sure that if i ever find myself in that situation again (which i plan not to!) i respond, er, a little more articulately.

[tim_tom]

From what I have read and how I have experienced things, I don't think some of them fully understand the severity of their actions or how those actions might impact others. I think it might have to do with dissociation.

Maybe, or just being pathologicaly self centered... You don't matter for anything other then what needs of theirs you can meet.

Mine did a fairly terrible thing in regards to my children (short of abuse), my youngest is still messed up from this, and she calls me an ahole cause I wont let her see them. Which is either out of guilt/shame or just manipulation... .i.e. asking knowing I will say no, which allows her to feel like the better person... I think it's the latter personally, if I said sure, when you coming, I'd never hear from her

[Infern0]

I had to explain to mine why her "plan" to commit fraud was not only illogical and absolutely stupid,  but also morally wrong.

I might as well have been talking to a brick wall.  In the end she just forgot about it.

[workinprogress]

They don't understand the severity of their transgressions, but they sure don't forget other people's transgressions against them.

[OutOfEgypt]

My T said the whole "insensitive yet overly sensitive" thing is a hallmark of personality disorders like this.  They are completely insensitive to how their attitudes and behaviors hurt others, but if you so much as fart the wrong way in their direction they will act as though you slaughtered their first-born.

[bungenstein]

My T said the whole "insensitive yet overly sensitive" thing is a hallmark of personality disorders like this.  They are completely insensitive to how their attitudes and behaviors hurt others, but if you so much as fart the wrong way in their direction they will act as though you slaughtered their first-born.

Yep, this is one of the things I could not stand, no one should stand for, f*** these f*****g people, they may be disordered but they are still scum and terrible influence in anyone's life, stay well clear.

[Loveofhislife]

From what I have read and how I have experienced things, I don't think some of them fully understand the severity of their actions or how those actions might impact others. I think it might have to do with dissociation.

Vortex--I'm so sorry, and it does sound familiar. And Clyde, like Vortex, I think there's denial and disassociation going on with your examples. But it's also classic BPD gas lighting.

And while we examine this disorder infinitum on this board, I believe there is a behavioral aspect over which they have some choice and control--otherwise, how is it they can be so well behaved around others and abuse the heck out of us minutes later.

I agree with Inferno--it is total selfishness. No one and nothing matters but them. The more I read on these message boards, learn about BPD, and discover about my ex, I recognize there are traits and schemas, but also there is a component of free will. My exbfBPD, CHOSE to take as much from me as possible and move onto his next victim. I feel certain this has been his pattern for 30 years (at least).

[Rifka]

This was exactly the reason why I broke up with him each time before our recycles. He would do things that were so hurtful, mentally abusive and literally ripped my heart apart and then act like I was crazy to be hurt or want to discuss what happened and why!

We would argue because he was mad that when the sun rose the next day that things were not erased in my mind! Sometimes he would do things that hurt so deeply that I would just look at him and ask him, what the hell is wrong with you that you don't understand what the effects if your actions have caused? I had not heard of BPD until after we broke up. ( Now I know!)

He never forgot if I happened to even say something that he felt was wrong, he used that over and over. For example I would tell him that he behaved like a child at times! I didn't know that I was on to something, but it pissed him off!

He continually tried to push my buttons and then behaved like he had done nothing wrong and he had an extensive excuse for what he did.

The grand manipulator and master liar and academy award winner goes to my ex!

Each trauma to my soul and heart was followed by begging, pleading and promises that it was not what I believed to be true, I was his soulmate, he never found somebody who loved him like me, we will fix it, (the sorrys, buts) never a true sorry!

Our whole relationship was bull___ drama followed by throwing me a bone each time he thought that he would lose me and had finally pushed me over the edge.

I believe he was totally aware of what he did and was just constantly testing me to see how much crap I would actually put up with.

Just like a child tests their parents growing up, he truly did this more and more as the relationship got more tangled and intense.

He was totally in control and very high functioning of how he chose to behave from minute to minute.

We could be in the car for an hour of silent treatment and then walk into a club where he would have his big happy smile, saying hi to all of my friends then expect me to just be happy because we were there, then walk out the door to go home where he reverted completely to the silent treatment and nastiness for the hour ride home again.

I stopped bringing him out with me towards the end of our relationship because he would try to manipulate everything good time into a chaotic event that spins you around and leaves you dizzy and on the floor!

The more I remember things so clearly, the happier I am that I left all of this drama behind me when I finally ended the r/s for good!

I can't believe all of the bs that I allowed him to bring into the peaceful life I have and had before him!

I believe he knew everything he did and got off on mentally and emotionally abusing all the women in his life! I know he did the same to ll his exes because I spoke to them. He was also the same with his parents, pushing buttons, mind games and then behaving sweet and childish and loving to suck us all back in over and over for the recycles!

Head games! Great song! It was my relationship! Drummer boy read me the words to easy lover by Phil Collins, while skyping the other day and that's another perfect song to describe our experiences with these relationships!

I was not crazy but started to doubt myself and eventually believe that at some points I  crossed over and entered crazy land with my exbf.

We let them into our hearts, minds, and souls because we believe all the lies that they throw to us about everything we want to hear.

Once we believe them, they have type of hypnotic state of power over us. n/c was my only path of freedom from crazy land and fairy tail land.

N/C was the final gift that I gave myself to escape this tornado relationship with him!

N/c is for us, not them!

Rifka

[clydegriffith]

From what I have read and how I have experienced things, I don't think some of them fully understand the severity of their actions or how those actions might impact others. I think it might have to do with dissociation.

Vortex--I'm so sorry, and it does sound familiar. And Clyde, like Vortex, I think there's denial and disassociation going on with your examples. But it's also classic BPD gas lighting.

And while we examine this disorder infinitum on this board, I believe there is a behavioral aspect over which they have some choice and control--otherwise, how is it they can be so well behaved around others and abuse the heck out of us minutes later.

I agree with Inferno--it is total selfishness. No one and nothing matters but them. The more I read on these message boards, learn about BPD, and discover about my ex, I recognize there are traits and schemas, but also there is a component of free will. My exbfBPD, CHOSE to take as much from me as possible and move onto his next victim. I feel certain this has been his pattern for 30 years (at least).

This x 1,000,000. Looking back on everything, sometimes i try not to hate her as much by telling myself she's mentally ill, she can't control herself but she actually did control herself.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Mine told a huge secret i divulged to him

Before we were together as supposed best friends.

it was traumatizing and so hurtful.

he would laugh about it and joke about it after i took him back.

he said i should put up with it when i was appauled bc thats the way

he handles pain... .by laughing about it...

hmmm somehow youre the one in pain over it?

[Boss302]

My BPDx used to do crazy things then act as if nothing happened at all.

She opened up a bunch of credit cards using one of her friend's info and when she had to go on one of her court dates for it she called that friend's mom asking her for a ride home.

When i caught her in bed with one of my friends she called me the next day and asked for help doing laundry. Like nothing happened at all. No big deal.

Is this how all people with BPD are or does it fall under a certain subtype?

My BPDxw definitely displays this kind of behavior. These folks don't have normal boundaries like non-disordered people do.

[Boss302]

My T said the whole "insensitive yet overly sensitive" thing is a hallmark of personality disorders like this.  They are completely insensitive to how their attitudes and behaviors hurt others, but if you so much as fart the wrong way in their direction they will act as though you slaughtered their first-born.

Yep, this is one of the things I could not stand, no one should stand for, f*** these f*****g people, they may be disordered but they are still scum and terrible influence in anyone's life, stay well clear.

Well, if I'd known this in March 1992... .