"I can turn my feelings off" she said

[BlackandBlue]

Is this a common trait to borderlines... .they can turn their feelings off or pretend things don't bother them or even exist?  She said this on more than one occasion. The last time she flat out told me she pretended she didn't love me anymore after the breakup.  I didn't understand it and I still don't.

[blissful_camper]

Is this a common trait to borderlines... .they can turn their feelings off or pretend things don't bother them or even exist?  She said this on more than one occasion. The last time she flat out told me she pretended she didn't love me anymore after the breakup.  I didn't understand it and I still don't.

Yes, I heard this as well.  Perhaps others will offer a more in-depth explanation. 

When a feeling or experience is overwhelming, they flip a switch.  My ex described his "shut downs" in this way.  He felt nothing, and didn't care about anyone.  It's a form of dissociation. 

[myself]

My ex told me she had taken off jewelry I'd given her, erased my number from her phone, ignored my calls, wouldn't allow us to get together, pushed me from her thoughts, while practicing for when she'd really need to. She said, "I pretended I didn't love you anymore, and didn't feel you."

For someone as overly sensitive, it was rare to see her cry. Being in as much pain as she was, she seldom shed a tear. Much of this disorder is hiding your real self. She let it out through anger, denial, and hurting someone else. Which you'd think would make it worse. Which it does.

I saw, felt, and lived through her flipping herself on and off like a switch. It's real. The disorder might be the juice running through the wires (some would say the wires themselves), but I saw her decide to go along with it enough times to know there's choice involved. When she didn't want to face something, especially. Feelings that were manufactured to help bolster her version of the story about why her feelings were switching in the first place. She turned them off enough to leave what we could have had if she hadn't.

[blissful_camper]

My ex told me she had taken off jewelry I'd given her, erased my number from her phone, ignored my calls, wouldn't allow us to get together, pushed me from her thoughts, practicing for when she'd really need to. She said, "I pretended I didn't love you anymore, and didn't feel you."

For someone as overly sensitive, it was rare to see her cry. Being in as much pain as she was, she seldom shed a tear. Much of this disorder is hiding your real self. She let it out through anger, denial, and hurting someone else. Which you'd think would make it worse. Which it does.

I saw, felt, and lived through her flipping herself on and off like a switch. It's real. The disorder might be the juice running through the wires (some would say the wires themselves), but I saw her decide to go along with it enough times to know there's choice involved. When she didn't want to face something, especially. Feelings that were manufactured to help bolster her version of the story about why her feelings were switching in the first place. She turned them off enough to leave what we could have had if she hadn't.

"Feelings that were manufactured to help bolster her version of the story... ."

Yes.  And that inner dialog ( fault finding to reinforce feelings) is ongoing. 

[merlin4926]

My ex BPD said that he couldn't handle the guilt I made him feel so he pushed me to one side, he used drugs and alcohol to distract himself but then said it was like I didn't exist. He did say it got harder to do as time went on and that when he did think of me he felt worse than ever.

After we split he destroyed all the photos of me

Another time talking about relationships he said its like he had a house but no windows or front door

Rare moments of clarity I think v sad

[Bak86]

Yeah that happened with my ex as well. She said she didn't love me, she didn't hate me. She just felt "nothing".

[tim_tom]

mine said she can turn her emotions off when she needs too

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Is this a common trait to borderlines... .they can turn their feelings off or pretend things don't bother them or even exist?  She said this on more than one occasion. The last time she flat out told me she pretended she didn't love me anymore after the breakup.  I didn't understand it and I still don't.

Yes, I heard this as well.  Perhaps others will offer a more in-depth explanation. 

When a feeling or experience is overwhelming, they flip a switch.  My ex described his "shut downs" in this way.  He felt nothing, and didn't care about anyone.  It's a form of dissociation. 

My Ex stated the same.  I asked her one time how can she just act normal? She said she shuts down and has had years of practice doing so.  She also stated she's extremely good at it.

[BlackandBlue]

My ex told me she had taken off jewelry I'd given her, erased my number from her phone, ignored my calls, wouldn't allow us to get together, pushed me from her thoughts, while practicing for when she'd really need to. She said, "I pretended I didn't love you anymore, and didn't feel you."

For someone as overly sensitive, it was rare to see her cry. Being in as much pain as she was, she seldom shed a tear. Much of this disorder is hiding your real self. She let it out through anger, denial, and hurting someone else. Which you'd think would make it worse. Which it does.

I saw, felt, and lived through her flipping herself on and off like a switch. It's real. The disorder might be the juice running through the wires (some would say the wires themselves), but I saw her decide to go along with it enough times to know there's choice involved. When she didn't want to face something, especially. Feelings that were manufactured to help bolster her version of the story about why her feelings were switching in the first place. She turned them off enough to leave what we could have had if she hadn't.

My ex also hardly ever cried either. If there was something bothering her she would get quiet and just play with her phone to distract herself from her thoughts. It took a lot of coaxing to get her to talk. She said she doesn't like to talk about what's bothering her. She just bottled everything up. This sounds crazy but when she would take a shower it would be super quick! I asked her why she doesn't relax and take longer and she said her thoughts get to her while she's in there. When we would go to bed at night she had to play with her phone until she feel asleep because she would get inside her own head too much. I didn't know what to do to help her. But I'm still baffled by the turning her feelings off thing... .how do you go from saying you love someone one minute to nothing the next? She was so complex  

[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw tells me the same. "If I ever start to feel like I am missing you a lot, I talk myself out of it and go to sleep."

[Agent_of_Chaos]

My ex also hardly ever cried either. If there was something bothering her she would get quiet and just play with her phone to distract herself from her thoughts. It took a lot of coaxing to get her to talk. She said she doesn't like to talk about what's bothering her. She just bottled everything up. This sounds crazy but when she would take a shower it would be super quick! I asked her why she doesn't relax and take longer and she said her thoughts get to her while she's in there. When we would go to bed at night she had to play with her phone until she feel asleep because she would get inside her own head too much. I didn't know what to do to help her. But I'm still baffled by the turning her feelings off thing... .how do you go from saying you love someone one minute to nothing the next? She was so complex  

Ok seriously Black... .I need to quote the whole reply because you just made my heart stop.  It honestly felt like we were dating the same person.  I felt as if I was writing the post tbh.  My ex... did the same... .exact... .thing.  Do you want to hear something crazy?  Like your ex, mine was not a speaker of emotions.  The way I gauged if her mental capacity was starting to falter was: she'd download more games on her phone.  Playing her phone games or social media was her escape.  My ex would always be on her phone before bed.  ALWAYS.  She said it helped her turn her brain off.  As for saying you love someone and the next minute... gone?  I was told I was her world one minute and less than 24 hrs she didn't feel the same.  Ouch.

[tim_tom]

My ex also hardly ever cried either. If there was something bothering her she would get quiet and just play with her phone to distract herself from her thoughts. It took a lot of coaxing to get her to talk. She said she doesn't like to talk about what's bothering her. She just bottled everything up. This sounds crazy but when she would take a shower it would be super quick! I asked her why she doesn't relax and take longer and she said her thoughts get to her while she's in there. When we would go to bed at night she had to play with her phone until she feel asleep because she would get inside her own head too much. I didn't know what to do to help her. But I'm still baffled by the turning her feelings off thing... .how do you go from saying you love someone one minute to nothing the next? She was so complex  

Mine almost never cried, 3 times in almost 2 years. It was always when she was insulted in some way. One time, she was showing me old pictures (prior to me) and I made an insensitive remark... she was a lot heavier at the time and I commented on it, not thinking it would bother her as it was from 4 years ago. But she was hyper sensitive about herself and wigged out.

The other time was something her mother said to her, which she never told me what it was. Serious mommy issues. Hated talking about anything that bothered her.

The last time was the day she left me, i thought she was crying about us. Nope, it was about her feeling like a bad person, talked about leaving her ex bf the same way she left me.

Anyway, it's not complex. They've learned to compartmentalize over the years and have built up strong defenses in order to survive. She thinks it makes her strong, but I think it's sad. Being able to "turn off" feelings isn't human.

[ziniztar]

That sounds a lot like mine. It's the reason why he is stuck in therapy.

I wonder: what if I keep calling? Wondering how he is doing?

I know that he was REALLY utterly disturbed when one of his best friends blocked contact for a while.

He was mad back then for abandoning him, but then when she tried to get into contact again he said: "I really don't get what is happening right now. When people stop with me they stop forever. I don't get what is happening at all. There is so much going on in my head right now."

I even witnessed him being insecure about her text messages, discussing them with me, and switching to his old thinking patterns within a few minutes. "She is only going to meet me to explain why I did everything wrong in the first place. She doesn't want to catch up. She wants to hurt me."

I was able to talk him out of it and that was a good experience for him.

I wonder what will happen if I will continuously keep checking in with him. I really do care about what he is doing. I really do care about his well being, it maybe even one of the reasons why I left. I know that I can't give him the calmness that he needs to focus on himself. He even mentioned "There is so much going on right now that I can't even start to begin to process it. And then you're there, asking for attention and time. If only we could stop for a year and start after again."

I know I have bonded to people in the past for a very, very long time. Didn't cut things for more than a year after a break up, always hoping things could get better. I know I made a choice to leave him now because it's for the best, for the both of us right now. I just hope he's going to use that time in a good way... .

[Hawk Ridge]

So... .what happens when they recycle?

[Agent_of_Chaos]

So... .what happens when they recycle?

The regenerate the cycle.  They enter the honey moon phase... .life is good.  Life is happy!  They escaped!  Onto bigger and better things. I love them!  This is the one.  Then:

We are spending too much time together.  They want too much.  I never have time for myself.  They are lying!  Why are they asking me so many questions!  This feels too familiar.  I have to get away.  That guy/girl is attractive.  I'm leaving you!

And repeat.

[vortex of confusion]

Mine has never said this directly but he only seems to feel one emotion and that is anger. And his anger is usually directed at things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. He seems like an emotionally void person. He can cry at the end of sappy movies but he sure as heck doesn't seem to bothered about stuff that would bother pretty much anybody else.

The whole turning feelings off is a coping mechanism. I know that I have had to do it in order to survive being married to him for 16.5 years. Any show of emotion on my part is likely to set him off or cause him to devalue me in very subtle ways. I didn't even realize that is what he was doing for the longest time. So, I have had to find other ways of dealing with my emotions because he sure as heck is not going to be emotionally available to me.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Mine has never said this directly but he only seems to feel one emotion and that is anger. And his anger is usually directed at things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. He seems like an emotionally void person. He can cry at the end of sappy movies but he sure as heck doesn't seem to bothered about stuff that would bother pretty much anybody else.

I have something that delicately relates to this:

When it comes to animals... .my uBPDx is a giant mush mellon.  When it comes to people... .not so much.  What your thoughts?

[fred6]

Is this a common trait to borderlines... .they can turn their feelings off or pretend things don't bother them or even exist?  She said this on more than one occasion. The last time she flat out told me she pretended she didn't love me anymore after the breakup.  I didn't understand it and I still don't.

Yes, I heard this as well.  Perhaps others will offer a more in-depth explanation.  

When a feeling or experience is overwhelming, they flip a switch.  My ex described his "shut downs" in this way.  He felt nothing, and didn't care about anyone.  It's a form of dissociation.  

From my extensive reading of 2010's posts, I'm only on page 24 of 80, haha. Anyhow, the flipping of the switch seems like the detached protector mode. An excerpt from a post. The whole post is https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0, it's reply #7. It's very enlightening.

Borderlines can be avoidant and passive aggressive and will do everything in their power to hide their strong emotions until they implode.  They swing wildly from abandoned child to angry child until they deflate into detached protector- who is basically a mute that doesn’t speak- or worse, speaks in word salad when confronted.

[vortex of confusion]

I have something that delicately relates to this:

When it comes to animals... .my uBPDx is a giant mush mellon.  When it comes to people... .not so much.  What your thoughts?

Animals tend to be loyal and focus on their owners. The person is usually in control in interactions with animals. Plus, with animals, there is no need to talk and there are no right/wrong answers. It is usually all about the person. A dog that loves his owner greets them when they come home, licks their face, and pretty much showers the owner with attention. Even with cats, many of them will sit on your lap and rub up against you and give you all kinds of attention. The human/animal interaction does not really require much.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I have something that delicately relates to this:

When it comes to animals... .my uBPDx is a giant mush mellon.  When it comes to people... .not so much.  What your thoughts?

Animals tend to be loyal and focus on their owners. The person is usually in control in interactions with animals. Plus, with animals, there is no need to talk and there are no right/wrong answers. It is usually all about the person. A dog that loves his owner greets them when they come home, licks their face, and pretty much showers the owner with attention. Even with cats, many of them will sit on your lap and rub up against you and give you all kinds of attention. The human/animal interaction does not really require much.

Makes sense.  Thank you :-)

[fred6]

My ex told me she had taken off jewelry I'd given her, erased my number from her phone, ignored my calls, wouldn't allow us to get together, pushed me from her thoughts, while practicing for when she'd really need to. She said, "I pretended I didn't love you anymore, and didn't feel you."

For someone as overly sensitive, it was rare to see her cry. Being in as much pain as she was, she seldom shed a tear. Much of this disorder is hiding your real self. She let it out through anger, denial, and hurting someone else. Which you'd think would make it worse. Which it does.

I saw, felt, and lived through her flipping herself on and off like a switch. It's real. The disorder might be the juice running through the wires (some would say the wires themselves), but I saw her decide to go along with it enough times to know there's choice involved. When she didn't want to face something, especially. Feelings that were manufactured to help bolster her version of the story about why her feelings were switching in the first place. She turned them off enough to leave what we could have had if she hadn't.

My ex also hardly ever cried either. If there was something bothering her she would get quiet and just play with her phone to distract herself from her thoughts. It took a lot of coaxing to get her to talk. She said she doesn't like to talk about what's bothering her. She just bottled everything up. This sounds crazy but when she would take a shower it would be super quick! I asked her why she doesn't relax and take longer and she said her thoughts get to her while she's in there. When we would go to bed at night she had to play with her phone until she feel asleep because she would get inside her own head too much. I didn't know what to do to help her. But I'm still baffled by the turning her feelings off thing... .how do you go from saying you love someone one minute to nothing the next? She was so complex  

Mine rarely cried also. Only four Three two times in 3 years. One time at a funeral(I don't count that one). Twice when her son got arrested on separate occasions. And once when she was breaking up with me and I told her that I would just disappear forever and that she didn't have to worry about me anymore, I was already crying like a b|tch when I told her this. Her reply was that she didn't want me to disappear and wanted to be friends and still have something to do with me. I guess that she forgot that she said that, because last week she said, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". So I guess that I won't count that last cry either since it seems to be manufactured and mixed with lies and self pity. So yea, she's cried twice in 3 years. Once for each time her 17 yo son got arrested for very minor infractions(i.e. open container of beer). A sad black hole of a scared child in a 41 year sluts body. That about covers it... .

[clydegriffith]

Interesting comments on the crying. The BPDx was very good at pretending to cry. She would shed tears and tears and beg and cry if i threatend to leave her, all which seemed genunie, and she would have someone in our bed the next day. She would cry for the cops too when she made false police reports.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Interesting comments on the crying. The BPDx was very good at pretending to cry. She would shed tears and tears and beg and cry if i threatend to leave her, all which seemed genunie, and she would have someone in our bed the next day. She would cry for the cops too when she made false police reports.

My uBPDx actually said that she could make herself cry at the drop of hat.  I should have known better when there were buckets of tears during one of only major fights.  Remember the movie alice in wonderland?  She would've put alice to shame.

[christoff522]

Is this a common trait to borderlines... .they can turn their feelings off or pretend things don't bother them or even exist?  She said this on more than one occasion. The last time she flat out told me she pretended she didn't love me anymore after the breakup.  I didn't understand it and I still don't.

This is the whole disorder, escape of feelings. BPDs avoid pain because they feel it so intensely. One psychiatrist says they feel about 5x more intensely than normal folks. Add to that the chronic existential void they possess, they have to repress their feelings. Usually this will reveal itself when they can no longer suppress their pain, or in passive-aggressive behaviour.

Also B&B remember that BPDs say anything to feel good and to avoid negativity...

Now, whether or not they're actually capable of 'turning feelings off' I doubt this. But yes, I've heard the same "turn your feelings off, you don't get hurt" and all this, but it's repression, it's a very very dangerous process for normal people and can lead to all sorts of health issues, mental and physical. For a BPD it's even more catastrophic, perhaps it's even the cause of many of the illnesses our former SO's complained about. I tried to turn my feelings off in youth to avoid fear, pain etc caused by bullies. I ended up with anxiety disorder. No one can escape their feelings, they're there for a reason. A BPD is a human being, they bury, but cannot turn off their feelings.

[Tater tot]

My ex literally said his switch would flip. About people, hobbies, simple as an "on and off".

[ziniztar]

A BPD is a human being, they bury, but cannot turn off their feelings.

Well spoken. I agree.

I witnessed this one time, we were together for a few months. He said he got sad about his ex girlfriend and checked if I was okay with it. I was thinking: yes, any type of emotion you allow is GOOD  . So he did it, for a while, cried a little. It took 5 mintues, maybe 10? Then all of a sudden "voom" it was gone. The look on his face changed, he got neutral, and said: "Wow this really is the borderline working here. Woosh. It's gone."

My dBPDxbf quit therapy two weeks ago because he can't get passed that point. There is no use in learning to feel these things in a safe setting, if you can't allow them in your body. He is really sad and depressed about the fact he is both mentally as physically (!) incapable of controlling that switch and has to quit.

So... I agree. I don't think it's in their control consciously.

[Recooperating]

Big ass huge confession as a non... .I can do that too... .

I was sexually abused from age 4 till 10 by the sitter. My coping skill was to just zone out and not be present. Combine that with parents that didnt show emotion, told me I was a whimp when I cried, told me to suck it up and there you go! My survival was to flip the switch!

But let me tell you its a switch to hide not to not feel. Over the years I've learnt how to cry how to be in touch with my emotions, but I can still apply the trick.

I was in a huge fight once with me exBPD while on mu way to a client for work. I was crying and really hurt. When I got to my appointment I whiped my tears and walked in with a huge smile on my face and nailed the appointment. I walked out and tears came back.

I dont feel comfortable crying in public. Up untill last year when things got really bad in the rs with my ex, my friends had never seen me cry. It was quite a shock to them when I allowed them to see it.

My T says I created this as a coping skill I really needed when I was young. I am and have been working on mindfullness to reconnect to my emotions. I have always had emotions, its not like they are not there, I just choose to surpress and bury them. But at night, when no one was watching, I'd cry when I was hurt.

Its not just a BPD thing, its a coping skill. Or maybe its a BPD thing and a codep thing cause I certainly have codep traits.

I have asked my T if I was BPD, but I am not! I've had good stable rs, have had the same good friends for years, stable employment, no addictions, no self harm or suicidal behavior, no idealizing or devaluing symptoms. I dont lash out in anger, Im compassionate and empathatic. Im there for my friends and family in time of need. So other then this out of contact with emotion and the codep ___... .Im sane 

[Raybo48]

Is this a common trait to borderlines... .they can turn their feelings off or pretend things don't bother them or even exist?  She said this on more than one occasion. The last time she flat out told me she pretended she didn't love me anymore after the breakup.  I didn't understand it and I still don't.

Yep, I've had mine virtually say the same thing, and act the same way.  Or she's given me the excuse when she ignores/devalues me by saying "I needed to try and get over you".    They are very good at flipping a switch and detaching emotionally, pretty sure it comes natural to them and is from core trauma as a child surrounding the abandonment issues they had to deal with.

[vortex of confusion]

Yep, I've had mine virtually say the same thing, and act the same way.  Or she's given me the excuse when she ignores/devalues me by saying "I needed to try and get over you".    They are very good at flipping a switch and detaching emotionally, pretty sure it comes natural to them and is from core trauma as a child surrounding the abandonment issues they had to deal with.

Tonight, I told mine that I am emotionally done with him. And then he has the nerve to ask me, "What's wrong, you look upset?" I was taken aback. Not sure why. I should expect this crap after 16 years. I don't know how he can sit there like everything is okay. It was like I told him that the sky was blue.

[fred6]

Tonight, I told mine that I am emotionally done with him. And then he has the nerve to ask me, "What's wrong, you look upset?" I was taken aback. Not sure why. I should expect this crap after 16 years. I don't know how he can sit there like everything is okay. It was like I told him that the sky was blue.

Did you explain why you were done or did you just say you were done. I only ask because just like we don't understand our ex's words or actions. They also may not understand our words or actions. Even though I didn't know about BPD at the time. Since she would always jump to conclusions or try to read for hidden meanings and get pissed off, I always tried to explain myself to my ex, just so she would understand. It rarely worked. But when I look back, I just wish she tried to make me understand her as much as I tried to make her understand me. It seems neither of us understood each other. I think that's a big issue between nons and BPD, disorderd vs logical thinking.

[vortex of confusion]

Did you explain why you were done or did you just say you were done. I only ask because just like we don't understand our ex's words or actions. They also may not understand our words or actions. Even though I didn't know about BPD at the time. Since she would always jump to conclusions or try to read for hidden meanings and get pissed off, I always tried to explain myself to my ex, just so she would understand. It rarely worked. But when I look back, I just wish she tried to make me understand her as much as I tried to make her understand me. It seems neither of us understood each other. I think that's a big issue between nons and BPD, disorderd vs logical thinking.

In the context of the conversation, I thought it was pretty clear what I meant. He won't commit to the relationship but he likes to ask me where we stand and put it all on me so he doesn't have to think or feel about anything. But, he doesn't listen to what I say half the time anyway so I doubt that he is taking my words seriously. I think the only way that he is going to understand that I am done is if I turn into a mega-beast. Otherwise, he is just going to go on acting like nothing is wrong and I never said a word. Not only does he turn off his feelings but it seems that he has turned off reality as well.

[ziniztar]

In the context of the conversation, I thought it was pretty clear what I meant. He won't commit to the relationship but he likes to ask me where we stand and put it all on me so he doesn't have to think or feel about anything.

... .

I think the only way that he is going to understand that I am done is if I turn into a mega-beast.

Vortex, perhaps you should read the below article. It speaks of how subtle emotional downlplay can work, aimed at making you feel insecure, throwing you off.

www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

I don't think that acting as a beast is a way to go. Then you'll get a reaction yes, but not one you'll like. Or you will like it, but it's still a reaction on your behaviour. Anger is a form of connection and bonding, too. Indifference is what hurts the most. So if you really want to be clear you want to leave and you're done, you say in a calm way: "I'm done with this relationship. I am packing my things." and do it. Be calm and centered, make sure that's your choice. That's when it will hit him.

[Dutched]

Feelings ON - Feelings OFF switch, like this?

I love you – I hate you

I leave you – be there for me

Hold me tight – but don’t touch me

Leave me alone – don’t ignore me

Come close, I need you – keep your distance

Understand my needs  -   you never understand me

I posted this before, written by a pwBPD, the Switch of feelings ON  -  feelings OFF

. 

“we” sincerely love you and “hate” you as you are then perceived not to be trustworthy.

“we” however love you still… and have a deeply hope you reach out, “we” can’t .

The more you reach out, the more “we” feel you care, the more “we” get frightened.

But hate is care, it is not indifference

In order to avoid all that pain, “we” m u s t cut you out, as the pain of losing the one “we” love the most hurts so much more. Remains 1 option, switch emotions of and move on….


Switch emotions of… the core was not completed, so there is no healthy way to process the feelings of losing a loved one, to grieve. Just not to process as we do.

[vortex of confusion]

So if you really want to be clear you want to leave and you're done, you say in a calm way: "I'm done with this relationship. I am packing my things." and do it. Be calm and centered, make sure that's your choice. That's when it will hit him.

It's not that easy in my situation. We have four kids and 18 years worth of stuff to split up. Everything is shared. All of the shared stuff is going to have to be separated and untangled and I have to make sure that I am able to care for my kids.

I know him well enough to know that it likely won't even hit him then. It is like he is completely devoid of emotions, unless it is anger. And even with his anger, it is like he has a switch that can be flipped.

[ziniztar]

I know, the situation is a lot more complicated than mine... but it helps to know that threatening to leave will not help. It won't help you feel better (because you feel bad for not following through) and it won't help him either.

But even if he hits the switch and it doesn't hurt him by that time. Is that what you want to stay, with?

I know there are a lot of good Lessons here at the Leaving board on custody and financial stuff. I would recommend you to check that, it will help...  

[BlackandBlue]

Lots of good reading here, thanks you all for replying to my post. I've learned so much from these forums.

[ziniztar]

It's not that easy in my situation. We have four kids and 18 years worth of stuff to split up. Everything is shared. All of the shared stuff is going to have to be separated and untangled and I have to make sure that I am able to care for my kids.

On a sidenote: it defnitely isn't easy and it's why I recommended the lessons at Leaving. Then again: this also sounds like fear, for whatever the hell is coming if you really would end it.

Have you ever made a changing decision in your life "on intuition"? Where you knew you had to do it regardless of the consequences or the work it would take to follow through? This is the same. When you hit that point, you'll follow through regardless of the paperwork and hassle afterwards.

I made a decision to move once. I was in Canada for a semester and was subletting a room, for 4 months. But the guy lied about the appartment, it wasn't making me happy (read: I felt miserable, depressed and lonely to the bone), he was creeping around the house when we were taking showers and was controlling. I felt obligated to stay there because I had promised him to pay for 4 months. But when I heard about a room that was opening up in a house with some of my friends, I said "I'm going to do it" no matter what. I know this sounds like a minor and small thing, but I just knew that that was what would make me feel better. It was good for me. I had to talk to the guy about the rent, could get into legal trouble, could get into financial troubles, but I knew I would find a way because I was so motivated because this was good for ME. Once you see that, if you get there, the consequences won't matter. You'll have faith you'll be able to manage whatever will cross your path.

[vortex of confusion]

On a sidenote: it defnitely isn't easy and it's why I recommended the lessons at Leaving. Then again: this also sounds like fear, for whatever the hell is coming if you really would end it.

I have been reading through all of the lessons on all of the different boards. Fear is a very normal reaction. Yes, there is some fear. Most of it has to do with me being very practical and rational.

Have you ever made a changing decision in your life "on intuition"? Where you knew you had to do it regardless of the consequences or the work it would take to follow through? This is the same. When you hit that point, you'll follow through regardless of the paperwork and hassle afterwards.

Yes, I have made quite a few decisions like that in my life. Are you a parent? How long has your longest relationship been? I know what I am doing. I have friends that have been in long relationships with kids involved. They have all advised me to get my affairs in order (mental, financial, etc) so that I can leave. This stuff doesn't happen over night. It would be really nice if I could just pack up and leave. I can't do that. It isn't because of fear. It is a matter of practicality. I have weighed the pros and cons of different paths. Right now, the best path is to detach emotionally and lay the groundwork for leaving.

I have one daughter that has extreme anxiety and another one that can't handle any sort of change in routine. Her dad coming home from work early one time sent her into a panic because she wasn't expecting it. I have to get myself stronger and my kids stronger. I am working on that. I have to make sure that my kids are in a place where I think they can handle it without being sent into a major meltdown. And I need to be prepared to handle the fall out. I know how rough it is going to be. Right now, I am not emotionally strong enough to handle what it will take to leave with the kids.

I can't turn off my feelings and I cannot turn of my ability to be logical and rational.