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Author Topic: People who have not been with a Borderline, simply do not understand.  (Read 970 times)
BuildingFromScratch
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #30 on: November 18, 2014, 02:16:36 PM »

Were you able to find another T?  That is awful when your T doesn't validate you, that is their job!  I hope you kept (or keep) shopping for another one as I have had a few and finally was able to find someone who is awesome and totally validates me, like no one else has been able to.  It has meant a world of difference in my recovery.

That's great that you found one like that, I think a lot of times that's hard to find. Well, I saw my new therapist once, so far I really like him, hope it works out.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #31 on: November 18, 2014, 08:14:48 PM »

I really dont tell anyone anything anymore. My friends know and saw me slowly dying inside. Everyone she knows, including the Volleyball parents, im sure have been told that i was the worst BF and that she did all she can, same story told to me about her ex husband. Im not going to fight it. She already looks like an ass by showing up with me one week and the next week with another guy.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #32 on: November 18, 2014, 08:16:46 PM »

Glad to see you embracing your anger building. It was a critical step I struggled a lot with.
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #33 on: November 18, 2014, 09:14:43 PM »

Glad to see you embracing your anger building. It was a critical step I struggled a lot with.

Yeah I'm glad I am too! This is BS!
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Craydar
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« Reply #34 on: November 19, 2014, 09:20:38 AM »

That is exactly what I have experienced. All of it.

Add the cute, demure face playing victim (while we know, eventually what was really going down), and others just doubt that my story has any traction. It is difficult to come out the other side intact.

The cute demure pouty face is their greatest asset. They know how to work it. It's the wolf in sheeps clothing. I felt smitten by the devil.
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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #35 on: November 19, 2014, 12:43:01 PM »

I dealt with the same issues of people thinking I'm crazy when I describe my uBPDxw's actions (Lies, manipulation, abandoning kids, cheating, victimhood, abandoning her Mom, etc, etc, etc). They always come back with the same questions... .… Why would she do this? Why would she do that? Why? Why? Why? I want to scream at the top of my lungs… Because she is BPD! But they wouldn't understand.

In defense of the non/non's  Smiling (click to insert in post) that don't believe me and are invalidating me when I share my stories I just have to look into the mirror and realize I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't experienced it first hand. I fell for all the BPD smoke and mirrors and was a willing victim because I was innocent and had no knowledge of pwBPD or personality disorders. Most of the NON's we talk to have no knowledge either and are as blind as we once were. Thank God for BPD family because the education I'm receiving here will keep me from making the same mistake twice.

I hope everyone on this thread finds a safe person that they can talk to and is validating. It's so important in your healing.

Peace... .MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #36 on: November 19, 2014, 12:47:23 PM »

I dealt with the same issues of people thinking I'm crazy when I describe my uBPDxw's actions (Lies, manipulation, abandoning kids, cheating, victimhood, abandoning her Mom, etc, etc, etc). They always come back with the same questions... .… Why would she do this? Why would she do that? Why? Why? Why? I want to scream at the top of my lungs… Because she is BPD! But they wouldn't understand.

In defense of the non/non's  Smiling (click to insert in post) that don't believe me and are invalidating me when I share my stories I just have to look into the mirror and realize I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't experienced it first hand. I fell for all the BPD smoke and mirrors and was a willing victim because I was innocent and had no knowledge of pwBPD or personality disorders. Most of the NON's we talk to have no knowledge either and are as blind as we once were. Thank God for BPD family because the education I'm receiving here will keep me from making the same mistake twice.

I hope everyone on this thread finds a safe person that they can talk to and is validating. It's so important in your healing.

Peace... .MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)

I don't really blame them. It's just god damned lonely and frustrating being abused and having people not understand. Also, I'm so broken, that I need tons of therapy. And if I can't find a therapists who is understanding and empathizes, my recovery is going to be very difficult. I too am grateful for the education and support BPD Family has given me. If I had money, I'd donate! Maybe some day I will.
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Pingo
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« Reply #37 on: November 19, 2014, 12:57:24 PM »

In defense of the non/non's  Smiling (click to insert in post) that don't believe me and are invalidating me when I share my stories I just have to look into the mirror and realize I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't experienced it first hand.

Yes, won't we be much more empathetic to people with all this education?  I know I look back and remember a friend in an abusive r/s and I couldn't understand why she just didn't get out!  Now I understand.  It's helped me also with my next door neighbour who's grandson is abusive and I've had to call the cops a few times on him... .the cops get so frustrated that she keeps letting him come back and I do too but I also understand.  It's the cycle. 
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Deeno02
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« Reply #38 on: November 19, 2014, 01:12:05 PM »

I dealt with the same issues of people thinking I'm crazy when I describe my uBPDxw's actions (Lies, manipulation, abandoning kids, cheating, victimhood, abandoning her Mom, etc, etc, etc). They always come back with the same questions... .… Why would she do this? Why would she do that? Why? Why? Why? I want to scream at the top of my lungs… Because she is BPD! But they wouldn't understand.

In defense of the non/non's  Smiling (click to insert in post) that don't believe me and are invalidating me when I share my stories I just have to look into the mirror and realize I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't experienced it first hand. I fell for all the BPD smoke and mirrors and was a willing victim because I was innocent and had no knowledge of pwBPD or personality disorders. Most of the NON's we talk to have no knowledge either and are as blind as we once were. Thank God for BPD family because the education I'm receiving here will keep me from making the same mistake twice.

I hope everyone on this thread finds a safe person that they can talk to and is validating. It's so important in your healing.

Peace... .MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)

It took me awhile to admit that at 51, I was in an abusive relationship. Swallowed the pride and did so.
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Craydar
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« Reply #39 on: November 19, 2014, 07:06:53 PM »

I dealt with the same issues of people thinking I'm crazy when I describe my uBPDxw's actions (Lies, manipulation, abandoning kids, cheating, victimhood, abandoning her Mom, etc, etc, etc). They always come back with the same questions... .… Why would she do this? Why would she do that? Why? Why? Why? I want to scream at the top of my lungs… Because she is BPD! But they wouldn't understand.

In defense of the non/non's  Smiling (click to insert in post) that don't believe me and are invalidating me when I share my stories I just have to look into the mirror and realize I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't experienced it first hand. I fell for all the BPD smoke and mirrors and was a willing victim because I was innocent and had no knowledge of pwBPD or personality disorders. Most of the NON's we talk to have no knowledge either and are as blind as we once were. Thank God for BPD family because the education I'm receiving here will keep me from making the same mistake twice.

I hope everyone on this thread finds a safe person that they can talk to and is validating. It's so important in your healing.

Peace... .MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)

It took me awhile to admit that at 51, I was in an abusive relationship. Swallowed the pride and did so.

This is so true. My family and friends said that there is no way she could have done all of those things. My friends just said Dude, she's not that into you, or what did you do to provoke it, or she's playing you. My therapist was ready to write me scripts for Xanax and some Anti-psychotic, when all of a sudden he paused and grabbed his copy of the DSM-V, opened it to a page and had me read a section. Idea Idea BINGO! Idea Idea I felt like I was being Punk'd - Did the author of this book personally know my uxBPDgf? I looked up after reading a section called Borderline Personality Disorder and said,

as he lifted an eyebrow, YEP that's her. He said "just take the Xanax script instead"
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #40 on: November 19, 2014, 08:44:06 PM »

Excerpt
I hope everyone on this thread finds a safe person that they can talk to and is validating. It's so important in your healing.

Exactly.  What we need coming out of these relationships is validation, compassion and empathy, because we were usually getting the opposite in them.  And folks don't need to understand especially, as long as they give us those; it can be a long way back to sanity after being emotionally enmeshed with a mental illness, but the good news is there are plenty of really good, grounded people in the world, and we don't need to do it alone, in fact we weren't meant to, that's how we heal, in relation to others.
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Panda39
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #41 on: November 19, 2014, 08:46:51 PM »

I'm a non dating a non with a uBPDxw.  When I met my SO he was separated (took 2 years for the divorce to be final) and on our first date we broke all the rules of convention and talked about our marriages and why we left. Both of us had been married almost 20 years... .MTV and big hair were the way to go the last time he and I had been on a date!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

He and I were both the leavers in our marriages.  He did not know about BPD at that time and neither did I.  Maybe it was easy for me to believe him because he had already left his marriage but I believed every crazy story he told me.  Maybe I believed because I was in a co-dependent alcoholic marriage and had my own stories to tell.  Maybe it was because this man was so sweet, earnest and honest but whatever it was,  I did believe him and very shortly there after I really began to understand what he was dealing with. I will say it takes some time to  fully catch on I remember asking "why" a lot.  "Why" won't she take your daughter to the dentist?  "Why" is she having your daughter call instead of calling herself?  "Why" does she lie about everything?  "Why" doesn't she have a driver's license and a car?  "Why" doesn't she have a job?  "Why" would someone rent a townhouse to her? I could just go on forever... .

On our first date to impress me my honey made a spur of the moment donation to Planned Parenthood.  That donation which supported a good cause, and showed me that this man could be generous (and liked me) and then we had a third entertaining moment about a month later.  :)uring the separation my SO had to provide his financial information to the ex and on it was the Planned Parenthood donation for $25.  She sees this and calls him asking what it was for?  :)id she need to be tested for something?  The jumping right to (in her mind) "you've infected me with a sexually transmitted disease"  (He hadn't had sex with her in months and hadn't had sex with me yet) was one of the first weird things I personally witnessed.

But in quick succession I saw how she was both alienating the children from him and using them as weapons.  There were ridiculous amounts of phone calls all day everyday... .email wars... .accusations of child abuse... .wanting to get together to discuss things over coffee only to not show up or be abusive... .sabotaging medical and dental care for his daughters... .LIES all the time and lots of drama, she was not rational.  (Now I know my SO's ex was dysregulated and he was in the middle of a huge Extinction Burst)

My honey thought his ex was narcissistic he was on track... .I Googled chronic lying and came across BPD... .BINGO we had a name for her problem.  We started reading and developing new strategies to deal with her and found our way to the BPD Family about 6 months ago.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

My SO's dad was on to the uBPDxw from the get go and his mom was actually told by a friend of hers and co-worker of the uBPDxw that my SO should stay away from her that she was "evil".  So his parents knowing that they weren't going to change my honey's mind about her just watched and supported him. Ultimately his parents were catalysts in his decision to leave his marriage.

I think I understood why he stayed with his uBPDex as long as he had because I had my reasons for staying with my alcoholic husband for as long as I did.  I also really liked this man and now love this man and really wanted to understand and support him.

So maybe the title of this thread should read "Most people who have not been with a Borderline simply don't understand, how can we help our friends and family get it?"

Has anyone offered the "Walking on Egg Shells" book to a close friend or family member to read?  Or "The Borderline Mother" or any other book or article about BPD to someone close read? Sometimes it's just really hard to explain what BPD is, that there is a behavior pattern, that there are DSM criteria... .etc.  So a reference might be helpful for your support network.

I know for me I can be more articulate when I write so maybe write a letter or email to someone.  

Or maybe that friend just isn't good with or comfortable discussing any "relationship stuff" BPD or otherwise.  

But I will say "friends" that reject you because you make a decision they don't like are not your "friends".

Don't give up on us non's either we do care about you!  


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