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Author Topic: How to untangle being devalued and idealized all at the same time?  (Read 380 times)
vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: November 02, 2014, 04:20:04 PM »

As I have been reading and participating here, I have uncovered another layer of confusion for me. I have noticed that I go back and forth between how I feel about things. And, it seems like my description of things is inconsistent as well. In one thread, I am talking about good things and in another thread, I am saying something else entirely. I don't remember which thread or conversation it was but it hit me that part of the confusion stems from feeling like he has idealized me and painted me white while at the same time devaluing me. I have been trying to figure out how that works or why I feel that way.

I think it stems from him pouring on the nice words and telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He says that I am a saint and all kinds of other very complimentary things. The truth is that I am not a saint. I can be a real b**ch at times. It is difficult for me to be in a relationship where everything is so skewed. It would be so helpful if he could say something like, "I don't like it when you [fill in the blank]" He can't say that. All he can say is that I do everything right and he has no complaints.

Once I get past his words, his actions tell a very different story. He can be passive aggressive. If I ask him to do something for me or the kids, he will get grumpy. Last night, we asked him to come hang out with us rather than play on the computer. Instead of hanging out with us, he fell asleep. I feel devalued because he seems to prefer the company of anybody but me. I feel devalued because he will act like he is afraid of me and like I am some kind of monster. I feel devalued when he gets more excited by other women than he does me.

Anyway, I am still trying to untangle the confusion.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2014, 11:26:51 AM »

I can also relate to how you are feeling. One thing i've taken from my nightmare of an ordeal is that it's not healthy, reasonable or logical to be seen as perfect by another person because in actuality nobody is perfect. Given human nature, it's difficult for a person to not want to believe all the wonderful things being said about you. That all lasts until the trigger moment and then you may as well be satan.
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Pingo
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2014, 11:30:09 AM »

Vortex, I understand what you mean, I was devalued and idealised at the same time or so it seemed.  Take for example the last months we were together after we had split once and recycled.  He was so adoring, affectionate, telling me how much he loved me, trying to do things I'd like such as bring me coffee in the morning, housework, etc.  But at the very same time he was invading my privacy behind my back, reading my journal and private fb messages with my daughter, smothering me with way too much attention, checking up on me, covertly trying to manipulate me in many ways (see the gaslighting thread), etc.  So which is real?  What is the act?  I now realise that the 'good' behaviour was in many ways just a manipulative tactic to 'keep me happy' and trusting while underneath he was consumed with paranoia.  It was very, very confusing to live with.
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vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2014, 08:26:25 PM »

Vortex, I understand what you mean, I was devalued and idealised at the same time or so it seemed.  Take for example the last months we were together after we had split once and recycled.  He was so adoring, affectionate, telling me how much he loved me, trying to do things I'd like such as bring me coffee in the morning, housework, etc.  But at the very same time he was invading my privacy behind my back, reading my journal and private fb messages with my daughter, smothering me with way too much attention, checking up on me, covertly trying to manipulate me in many ways (see the gaslighting thread), etc.  So which is real?  What is the act?  I now realise that the 'good' behaviour was in many ways just a manipulative tactic to 'keep me happy' and trusting while underneath he was consumed with paranoia.  It was very, very confusing to live with.

Thanks Pingo!

It is odd how there are so many nice things that he has done over the years that never felt quite right to me. I always chalked it up to me just not knowing how to receive or being ungrateful. I was grateful for what he did but there was something just not quite right. The nicer he was to me, the more I praised him and talked him up to other people. The nice he was, the more I would take care of him. Maybe I sound crazy. I know I feel crazy but he would be nice by doing things that I didn't really want. I hope that makes sense. It is odd because when I stopped posting on social media and bragging about him, he quit doing those things, which confirmed a lot of my suspicions. Underneath all of the nice, there was this angry, insecure, anxious, little kid. What really made me wake up was when our daughter did something and had the police at our house at the age of 11. Since then, I have been hammering pretty hard on trying to find ways to change things and make them better for our kids. I am amazed at how far up my butt my head was. I was so focused on trying to see the positive and be upbeat, blah, blah, blah, that I missed so much crap.
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