When does the pain go away

[antonio1213]

A little over a month of NC/breakup and it seems to be getting harder and harder. I think about her all the time and she just dropped me so quickly, I know she is out having fun and not caring. She use to talk to me every day and miss me like crazy when we couldn't talk but now she doesn't care. She said she "couldn't live without me" and she even didn't go to a college she got accepted into just to be with me, I was her whole world. I miss her a lot but I know its over.

Is it normal for them to be on your mind all the time 1 month post b/u? BEcause she is always on my mind, and I miss the fun we use to have. She had anger problems and all the BPD stuff but she seemed to be repressing that behavior a lot before she split apart from me. She was trying to make an effort and I thought she was getting better.

It is just painful being dropped so quickly. NC was easy for me for the first 2 weeks but each week after that the true reality of the situation is setting in and making me feel terrible.

When does the pain stop?

Is it normal to still be in pain and think about your exBPD partner all the time 1 month post breakup

[hope2727]

So sorry you are experiencing this. It does get better. I am in the end of month 5 and for the first time a few days ago found myself bored rather than sad. It was weird. You will get there. It is a big trauma. A big loss. Keep breathing keep going. Find a therapist if possible. Apply expensive ice cream liberally. Reach out to friends and family wherever possible. And give yourself time. At a month I could still barely crawl out of bed. Meanwhile here is a hug just for you.   

[maxen]

antonio, i'm 16 months since my d-day and i wake up in pain every morning. it's different for every person of course. i appear to be the more-than-averagely emotional sort, and you may be recovered 16 months from now, but one month is no time at all, if you had a r/s with her of any emotional depth, and it sounds like you did. i'm not trying to be scary or mean. but you're going to compound your situation if you're in a hurry or you try to suppress. do you have a counselor with whom you can talk this out?

[Aussie JJ]

antionio1213,

For me the hardest pain was when I had finally decided that I wouldn't go back myself no matter what she did.  I tried everything to convvince her to try again. 

At around the 70~ day mark my solicitor asked me if there was any chance for reconciliation when reading through some of the e-mails.  I replied with, No, I tried and I have made a decision now, I am happy with that and were moving forward with this. 

At about the 110 mark I put $20,000 in the lawyers trust account and broke down in tears, had to take a day off work and just worked through everything that I had done to get there.  For her it was move off to the new BF and forget me.  For me it was leave everything I had planned in life with her to start again.  That is what killed me the most when I made that decision that I would never go back. 

It will get worse as you work through the different aspects and then better some days.  For me the mornings like maxen says are the hardest. 


AJJ. 

[Left broken and confused]

Mornings are awful! I wake up every morning with him as my first thought and a sinking anxious feeling in my chest. I wish it was all just a nightmare. Even though I know I shouldn't I look on fb it is the first thing I do. Today I can see he is having problems with his new gf and as wrong as it is it made me happy

[antonio1213]

Thanks for the hug hope2727 it means a lot! it was warmly received. I hope that one day I won't feel a hole in my chest and I will just feel bored. Hopefully at the 5 month mark too that is amazing. well I am 1/5 of the way there.

Maxen what you said is scary to me. It took me a long time to get over a girl I use to have a crush on, like over a year and we never dated or anything we almost did though. And with my exBPDgf we dated for 2.5 years, it was my first serious relationship, and we both were very deep emotionally. So I am expecting a lengthy recovery, don't know how long to expect but hoping maybe around a year or so. I don't know if that is optimistic, me and her were each others worlds and only relied on each other and her leaving devastated me completely. So one year might be too optimistic. I keep dreaming about her and it drives me crazy! And no I don't have a counselor I can talk this out too. I need one though, I don't even know where find one, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment to pay for one.

Aussie JJ I can see just how painful that must be for you. I couldn't even go back to my job for awhile I was so devastated. I knew since day 1 that there was no chance of us getting back together. The way she talked to me was like she had already devalued me from being her partner to a person she knew. She probably is off with some guy right now, she is very beautiful and had guys hit on her throughout our relationship so I know I won't get closure, and I am not in her mind like she is in mine. Which sucks because she consumes my thoughts and I probably barley am even on her radar.

[maxen]

me and her were each others worlds and only relied on each other and her leaving devastated me completely.

i really sympathize antonio. the wrench can be devastating. my wife and i were flinging emails the morning of the day she announced her deceit. we went from daily contact to nothing, overnight. it's a trauma, so look at your recovery in those terms.

And no I don't have a counselor I can talk this out too. I need one though, I don't even know where find one, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment to pay for one.

1:do you have insurance? investigate whether you're covered for outpatient mental health, you may only have to pay a co-pay (after the deductible is met). also, if you do have insurance you will have access to a list of providers, so you will have a place to start.

2: some therapists will offer a sliding scale.

3: how about close friends, or other confidantes?

4: please keep posting here! we're all here to support each other.

[Aussie JJ]

And no I don't have a counselor I can talk this out too. I need one though, I don't even know where find one, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment to pay for one.

I'll put this out there with my experience.  My P asked me at the start why I was back to once a fortnight instead of once a week when I was still struggling.  I explained I couldn't afford it.  He said, come every week and when you feel you don't need to come every week you can come every fortnight.  I said, I can't afford it.  He said I didn't understand it, pay for once a fortnight but come once a week until I didnt need to, I needed the support more than he needed the money. 

Different T's and P's charge different amounts.  Finding a good one is important.  They understand the costs side of it and even if it is once a fortnight, be ther early, e-mail them what you want to discuss.  Make good use of that time that you do have with them. 

[antonio1213]

me and her were each others worlds and only relied on each other and her leaving devastated me completely.

i really sympathize antonio. the wrench can be devastating. my wife and i were flinging emails the morning of the day she announced her deceit. we went from daily contact to nothing, overnight. it's a trauma, so look at your recovery in those terms.

And no I don't have a counselor I can talk this out too. I need one though, I don't even know where find one, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment to pay for one.

1:do you have insurance? investigate whether you're covered for outpatient mental health, you may only have to pay a co-pay (after the deductible is met). also, if you do have insurance you will have access to a list of providers, so you will have a place to start.

2: some therapists will offer a sliding scale.

3: how about close friends, or other confidantes?

4: please keep posting here! we're all here to support each other.

Thanks this website does wonders, love having support. I will look into the therapy and maybe try to find someone to talk to. I really don't have a lot of friends and my family doesn't understand BPD that much. They think it is a normal breakup and I should get over her the same way a normal person would get over a break up. They don't understand what I have been through in with that relationship, it wasn't normal and my codepency and "love" for her stopped me from leaving it.

It really is a trauma. Constant communication to non at all. very hurtful and hopefully the pain will go away.

I felt fine for a couple of days but the last week or so the pain came back stronger than ever and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I think therapy would be best. NC is helping bc I know contact would only make it worse and keep me from healing fully. The hard part is knowing she doesn't want anything to do with me other than keep me as a backup supply, or someone to vent too.

[antonio1213]

And no I don't have a counselor I can talk this out too. I need one though, I don't even know where find one, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment to pay for one.

I'll put this out there with my experience.  My P asked me at the start why I was back to once a fortnight instead of once a week when I was still struggling.  I explained I couldn't afford it.  He said, come every week and when you feel you don't need to come every week you can come every fortnight.  I said, I can't afford it.  He said I didn't understand it, pay for once a fortnight but come once a week until I didnt need to, I needed the support more than he needed the money. 

Different T's and P's charge different amounts.  Finding a good one is important.  They understand the costs side of it and even if it is once a fortnight, be ther early, e-mail them what you want to discuss.  Make good use of that time that you do have with them. 

I will defiantly look into that, thank you. I was seeing a therapist but I didn't like her, she had a big bias and mouth. I need someone neutral to talk to not someone who speaks the way she did

[maxen]

my family doesn't understand BPD that much. They think it is a normal breakup and I should get over her the same way a normal person would get over a break up.

this is not uncommon, which makes this site all the more valuable. please remember, there are people who know. this is real, and different.

i'm sorry about your experience with your T, but that's not uncommon either. don't be discouraged, you can find a good match. one thing to ask is whether a T has experience with personality disorders. many won't though, so don't turn away just on the answer to that one question.

[Aussie JJ]

antonio1213,

I struck gold with my P, he was married in his early years to a pwBPD, has co-parented for 20+ years with her and treats a bucketload of trauma clients. 

BPD = trauma. 

I think having one that is neutral, my P tells me constantly that my exBPD isn't a bad person.  Got me to the point where I express that as well now constantly.  Spent a lot of time helping me understanding that above all else it wasn't personal, paraphrased details of previous clients to help me understand.  Having someone neutral that challenges your assumptions is very good therapeutically to help you work through it all. 


AJJ. 

[SeaShellz]

Why are the mornings so hard? I know this morning was hardest for me because I had a dream about my xBPDbf and woke up with a pounding heart and skinking feeling... .I tried to rush and get dressed to leave the house early because I just couldn't take it! I'm on day 9 NC. I can't wait until this intense pain goes away!

[Pingo]

I'll put this out there with my experience.  My P asked me at the start why I was back to once a fortnight instead of once a week when I was still struggling.  I explained I couldn't afford it.  He said, come every week and when you feel you don't need to come every week you can come every fortnight.  I said, I can't afford it.  He said I didn't understand it, pay for once a fortnight but come once a week until I didnt need to, I needed the support more than he needed the money. 

Wow Aussie JJ, what a great P to do that for you!  I am going into debt as we speak and I told my counsellor that I could only afford every other week (in actuality I can't even afford that) and she suggested I'd get more out of it to come every week and I'd end up probably saving in the end as I'd progress faster and the length of time I'm seeing her would probably be much shorter.  Since it's on my credit card anyhow, doesn't really matter, if I go the same number of times total.  It's stressful to be going into more debt as I was left with a lot of debt from my marriage but I am looking at it as a very important investment.

Antonio, at one month post BU I was just coming out of a state of numbness and I was a mess!  Hang in there!  At month 2 I was so much better than month 1.  And month 3 I was so much better than month 2!  So you get the picture.  I'm 4 1/4 mths out now and he doesn't consume my thoughts anymore.  I spend more time thinking about my own healing, dreams and goals.  Take time everyday to do something for yourself, something you enjoy, even if it's just a 10 minute walk.  Those little things add up to take the focus off her and onto you.