needing input and support.

[mitchell16]

most here know my story I have been around here for awhile. after being split from my exBPDgf since june. I have moved on, starting dating a new lady about 6 weeks ago and it going really good. I had one text from my ex about  2 months ago and havent heard a sound from her since. This past weekend she sends a message telling me how sorry she was and asking for another chance. How she now sees what she did was so wrong and how she has never loved anybody like she loves me. Then the late night phone calls, text messages start. I ignored and didnt respond. But I wont lie it has pulled at my heart strings. I can hear her pain in her words and it makes me feel like im the cause of her pain. It has totally set me back.

I walked away after 3 years of push/pull, lying, and most likely cheating. her getting drunk and raging at me. My sanity and health was at its end. I couldnt sleep anymore, i have serious health issues anyway, which had grown out of control and my medications no longer were working. Now, I sleep good my meds are working once again, and my life seems to be getting back on track and then here she goes again. Not only did she message me, she messaged my friends and family. I am struggling today with NC.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

You need to be careful here.  The likely scenario here is she has just started push/pull with your replacement and needs to triangulate.  It will be a bait and dump job on you and you will lose your existing date.  Things are improving for you - why take a step back into the madness?  Stay where you are.

[maxen]

hi mitchell. you are in a tough spot, and i'm sorry for your stress.

I can hear her pain in her words and it makes me feel like im the cause of her pain.

are you the cause? you have the experience of the relationship to look back on, and the collective information and wisdom available on this site. it's a generous instinct to return a message to her, but she's made it an issue not of just a conversation, or something, but of getting back together. do you want that?

My sanity and health was at its end. I couldnt sleep anymore, i have serious health issues anyway, which had grown out of control and my medications no longer were working. Now, I sleep good my meds are working once again, and my life seems to be getting back on track

[mitchell16]

no im not the cuase. I know i dindt cause her any pain, hurt, I did my best. but after 3 years of what i consider abuse, verbal and mental I finally walked away away and told her not to contact me anymore. I do not wnat back in this misery ever again. But im still hurt for her and I cant figure out why.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mitchell, Suggest you tread carefully here, as MrConfused recommends.  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation and it's easy to get lost in the F-O-G and get sucked back in.  It sounds like your BPDx is turning up the pressure in order to get you back in the toxic soup, which can be dangerous.  You are on a good path, it seems, so try to stay on course.  Lucky Jim

[mitchell16]

thanks lucky jim. Im still maintaining nc. I havent gave in. But i wont lie and say it has put me in a funky state of mind. I thought about trigulation as motive since I havent heard anythig from her in while and i havent tried any contact with her myself.

[maxen]

no im not the cuase.

right.

I know i dindt cause her any pain, hurt, I did my best.

i know you did. we all do the best we can.

But im still hurt for her and I cant figure out why.

people with BPD really are in turmoil. hurting for her is totally understandable. it means you're a decent guy. but getting back in touch could confuse both yourself and her. where are you in your new r/s?

[mitchell16]

my new relationship is turning towwards the serious side and going well. The new lady has been posting alot to a social media about us. the new relationship is what i remmber a normal relationship to be, I had almost forgot what it was like.

[outside9x]

Hi Mitchell,

Your story very much parallels mine, to a tee, except for the health issues, though it was draining, and I was totally exhausted. 

I just posted since I was rather triggered by another post.  The pull still remains, and you always wonder if.

I looked at something else I wrote, and basically like all would say, actions speak louder than words.  Now thinking for you and myself, and knowing, anyone can make a mistake, but... .if they truly loved and cared, even with their BPD it wouldn't escalate to that much punishment we took.  Anyone, who just cared, would say they are sorry in a healthy relationship, and would want to be not only be your love, but your best friend.  They have to be that as well.

The other thing I do, and I am weakened too, but this helps, is I turn the tables.  I say, would I, could I do that to another person?  Even if I didn't love them, could I do even 1/16 of that.  The answer is always a big NO! 

Unless they get and stay in treatment, no matter their intentions, and like you , I too fall for the I love you so so much, and hear them say I been rotten and terrible to you, but it doesn't help, unless they seek help.   It's your call, but think of those things and love yourself.   I know, this is hard. 

[mitchell16]

i was doing very well. enjoying the new relationship, recovered from my fincially problems caused from my BPD relationship, my health has been improving. I have a severe disorder that is triggered by stress and can be very tough to deal with.

nad then her pitful contact this week on how she cant get over me, and thinks we should try again. even though we tried for 3 years with so many recycles I can ot remmeber any more how many. How she will always love me and how she wasnt me to be happy. It really lays a guilt trip on a person.

[mitchell16]

well, ignorng them is still the best way. I stayed NC and I havent heard anything for a few days. so what i have read about them being impulsive seems true. Im relieved but im sure I will need to brace myself for the next round. For those of you who wonder if they will ever contact you again, most likely is what I have found. I used to wonder the same thing but i dont anymore or do i care if she does. The only thing her contact does is bring me misery. It like havining a flash back to something really bad. at first your mind drifts to all the good memories and then the nightmares set in and you remember all the bad which always always is more then the good.

[non_stuck]

In my opinion this has nothing to do with BPD. If you are dating someone exclusively, you shouldn't be in touch with an ex unless you are co-parenting and thus have no choice. If you feel the need to keep a text, conversation, or any other interaction with an ex a secret from the person you are dating, then it is disrespectful to the person you are dating. I've changed my phone # for less.

[mitchell16]

non_stuck, i agree. when im in a relationship i dont keep in touch with my exs. what is BPD is the constant recycles, push/pull. mine would push me away, nit pick me to death, find fault in everything I do. lie to me, possible cheat on me, call me names, and then the push away. then after a certain amount of time she comes back around and then all of a sudden im teh greatest thing in the world. and then the cycle continues. thats what i call BPD.