This is harder than I thought...

[ComicBookWriter]

I've spent the last 3.5 years with someone who hasn't been diagnosed officially but, per our conversations about her educations as a Mental Health Counselor, my ex-girlfriend alluded to the idea that she might suffer from BPD. I didn't really pay attention to it. Our relationship had stressors like any other relationship; they were mostly financial in nature or they revolved around my health (I was morbidly obese when we met... .I lost the weight and she decided to date me) because I was regaining a lot of previously lost weight.

For the last two years of our life together, she had began to "grow cold" and she had begun emotionally confiding in a "friend" that was I never allowed to meet. I was always told that it was harmless and that she just liked his friendship and it became a major caveat in our day-to-day relationship but, because of her connections to him via her other friends, I was kind of over a barrel.

I met her when she was being diagnosed for clinical depression and she has been taking Lexapro for approximately 5 years now. I always dismissed her mood swings as being something of a flare for dramatics... .but she became more and more resentful as our situation unraveled.

I loved her and I was committed. Her anxiety manifested as an inability to drive a car. So I was constantly driving her everywhere... .to work, to school, where ever. I didn't mind because I was a "late bloomer" as a driver when I was younger... .so I could relate to her anxious nature in the car. I felt needed by this action.

She would constantly tell me that the stresses of her classwork to become a Mental Health Counselor were taxing her and causing to have all sorts of physical impairments (neck aches, migraines) and I believe she was actually slightly addicted to a low-level prescribed barbiturate that she used to dull her migraines.

When we would fight, she would threaten to hit me or to break things... .I always dismissed those sentiments because I was much bigger than her. She would go into our bedroom and slam large books down on the ground repeatedly. It was really intense.

She had very little ability to hold herself accountable for any of her own actions. She was always explaining how everything was because of "_____" or she'd say, "I just don't understand why _____ would do that to me." She was constantly victim of something or someone... .and it slowly all became about me being the sole cause of all of her troubles... .and her "friend" became this "knight in shining armor" for her.

When she was confronted about her "friendship" (because I caught in lies about it a lot)... .she would become almost robotic in nature. I was told that it was because my histrionics would remind her of abuses she received prior to our relationship. That said, I'm a very loving partner and I was raised in the Southeastern US... .I would never lay my hands on woman with violent intent. So I constantly felt like I was doing something wrong and I was "on eggshells" around her because the anxiety of knowing that she had this outside friendship and all the stress that lead to our financial woes (she compulsively spent a lot of our resources on make-up, pedicures, massages) kept me in a state of stress to the point that my health began to fail and weight quickly returned.

Today is her 33rd birthday... .and I live 2 hours away with my parents now... .because I had nowhere else to go when she decided that I needed to leave. Her "friend" moved in a week after I left. I was kicked off of her various forms of social media and I just feel this intense longing for this person who made me feel so needed. I'm having a really hard time moving on... .because I just want to feel valued by her again. I still love her and I'm not mad at her... .I just feel this profound sense of hurt. I've been through break-ups. I have child with another woman and that relationship isn't all that great... .but it pales in comparison to this one in terms of how distraught I feel.

I feel like I just wrote novel... .it was supposed to be an intro. I apologize.

[Raybo48]

Well, from what you've explained she sounds like she has many components of the disorder.

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this and is sounds like you really dedicated yourself to her and her needs.  You didn't mention anything about your needs being met even on a basic level. 

I hope you find the support you need on this site, its been helpful to me even though I've been on here for a short time.