Enablers

[Bak86]

Did your ex have a lot of enablers around her/him?

Yesterday i got really pissed off at a coworker. My ex was complaining she couldn't gain weight(no wonder, when you don't eat anything or have really bad eating patterns) and the coworker heard this. She told her that sometimes people just have fast metabolism or a fast working thyroid and she felt bad for my ex. The coworker actually knows the full story about her eating problems. Why does she say things to her like that? People like that really piss me off.

[Raybo48]

Yes, me for one.  Many of her guy friends.  Everyone on Facebook mostly because she kept her addiction quiet.  Her mother is the ultimate co-dependent/enabler.  Her now ex-brother-in-law.  Many neighbors and girlfriends.   So yea, just about everyone in her life. 

[Blimblam]

Did your ex have a lot of enablers around her/him?

Yesterday i got really pissed off at a coworker. My ex was complaining she couldn't gain weight(no wonder, when you don't eat anything or have really bad eating patterns) and the coworker heard this. She told her that sometimes people just have fast metabolism or a fast working thyroid and she felt bad for my ex. The coworker actually knows the full story about her eating problems. Why does she say things to her like that? People like that really piss me off.

Lol. I remember things like this would sort of upset me. Because later on let's say if that happened to my ex.  If she complained about not gaining weight to me after barely touching food we just bought she would say the thyroid thing when we both know it's not true. Then if I explained to her she why I am the bad guy.  

Really though it was like the coworker was trying to did a way out of an uncomfortable situation.  


It's not easy letting that stuff not get to you. I would be angry too. It's like a slap in the face because I remember my ex had a laundry list of complaints and she attributed them to glucose intolerance but now I know that was just some stupid excuse belief she adopted because someone made a comment like that coworker. I also remember later in the relationship my ex started adopting new aspects from other people into her persona that were directly antagonistic towards me based on complaints related to the disorder that she blamed me for.

[DangIthurts]

Yes. Mine had loving caring parents, and preached patience... And while I know she was diagnosed with something as a young child which probably lead to these issues, she's not been treated since being young if ever.

but that didn't stop them from writing off outburst, or poor treatment... .Or saying well maybe we just aren't meant to be...

The few "friends" if you could even call them that as they had their own vices and they all would latch onto each other only during crises, all said well you'll find someone better...

I could get treated like crap for a month and if like when I blew a gasket like our final chat, it was all my fault, it all fell on me.


Bottom line LOTS of enablers or people that didn't care to speak the truth.

[vortex of confusion]

Yep, lots of people only seem to see his side of things because they don't see his sex addiction.

I have tried to talk to his mom at different times because I needed to talk to somebody and didn't want to bad mouth him or make anybody think ill of his. The first time I brought up his porn habits with his mother, this is the response I got, "His dad was the same way but I didn't mind. If he was looking at porn, then he wouldn't bug me." 

Another time, I tried to talk to one of our mutual friends and was told, "Oh, he just needs you to take care of him. Quit trying to change him." 

My mom and his mom both have told me, "Oh, he probably has some kind of undiagnosed health problem. You need to be more patient and loving." Everybody that I have tried to talk to about the situation has tried to enable him and pretty much tells me that I am not doing enough. They might say something different if I gave the whole story but I am not willing to do that because it would make me look even worse, like I am trying to go on a smear campaign or paint him black.

And then there was a lady at church he was talking to. I don't have any idea what kind of crap he told her but she invited him to dinner at her house and was all sweet and stuff. I have the lady on FB so I sent her a message and asked her why she was inviting my husband over to her house but not including me and the kids. It sounded to me like he was pouring some kind of sob story on her about how horrible I am.

I notice a lot of enabling is a result of them lying or telling half truths.

[willtimeheal]

Her whole family is a bunch of enablers. For the longest time I was an enabler. Once I started therapy and got stronger and wanted more for myself and my life I stopped enabling and started holding her accountable. She left me... .again. But this time I didn't let her come back.

[seeking balance]

Did your ex have a lot of enablers around her/him?

Yes, this is common in disordered people - if they had healthy people around them... .well... .they wouldn't stick around long or they would be very good at boundaries.

Enablers get value by "saving"; pwBPD love being saved - it is a match made in heaven really.

Peace,

SB

[Pingo]

Well I was the biggest enabler for 4 bloody years!  Outside of me, his family has lost all patience with him.  They are really fed up of his pity party and selfish attitudes.  They are also pretty p*ssed about how he treated me.  His son won't even talk to him anymore.  When I was in the FOG I actually felt sorry for him that his family wasn't more understanding! Boy was I brainwashed, eh?  He has a new set of friends now, they belong to a 'survival' group and he thinks he is king of the group and they all worship him  so not sure if they are enablers yet, give them time!  He has recently been in contact with a couple of ex gf's apparently (women he had nothing nice to say about) bc I guess he's desperate for someone to feel sorry for him!

Did your ex have a lot of enablers around her/him?

Yes, this is common in disordered people - if they had healthy people around them... .well... .they wouldn't stick around long or they would be very good at boundaries.

Enablers get value by "saving"; pwBPD love being saved - it is a match made in heaven really.

Peace,

SB

Yep!  Match made in heaven... .until it's hell! 

[bungenstein]

Yes, this is common in disordered people - if they had healthy people around them... .well... .they wouldn't stick around long or they would be very good at boundaries.

Enablers get value by "saving"; pwBPD love being saved - it is a match made in heaven really.

Peace,

SB

Yep!  Match made in heaven... .until it's hell!  [/quote]
Haha!

[Bak86]

Did your ex have a lot of enablers around her/him?

Yes, this is common in disordered people - if they had healthy people around them... .well... .they wouldn't stick around long or they would be very good at boundaries.

Enablers get value by "saving"; pwBPD love being saved - it is a match made in heaven really.

Peace,

SB

That's true. I guess that's why pwBPD break up with you when they have the feeling you can't save them, because you put up healthy boundaries.

[Deeno02]

Yeah, she has a ton... .Poor single non working mother of 5, horribly abandoned by her husband and now her boyfriend, but this new guy will take care of her, by george! He's the one! The last part of the new guy was speculation on my behalf, but thats exactly how I was presented when I started with her during her separation/divorce. She actually enjoys being the Martyr, as I have found. Witnessed it first hand... .

[.cup.car]

Lots of parents of these people are enablers, especially if they're doing well financilly. When the going gets tough, parents resort to seeing the potential in their child rather than seeing their child for what they really are: a person who is mentally ill.

It's a weird mix of blind optimism and damage control.

[DangIthurts]

Lots of parents of these people are enablers, especially if they're doing well financilly. When the going gets tough, parents resort to seeing the potential in their child rather than seeing their child for what they really are: a person who is mentally ill.

It's a weird mix of blind optimism and damage control.

mine were very religious so faith also played huge roll. Like when I got her the dream car on an impulse because I wanted to see her safe and happy "must be gods plan for us to be together forever" Well 2 months and 3 weeks later someone else is more perfect than I.

[CareTaker]

mine were very religious so faith also played huge roll. Like when I got her the dream car on an impulse because I wanted to see her safe and happy "must be gods plan for us to be together forever" Well 2 months and 3 weeks later someone else is more perfect than I.

Forgive me Dangithurts. I actually laughed when I read this. My situation was so similar.

[Ceruleanblue]

Bak86:

I'm so glad you posted that. I just got left by my husband a little over a week ago, and hadn't looked at it that way. He also won't tell me what I feel is a more recent diagnosis from his shrink(originally diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder and told he had traits of a PD). After his most recent visit to the shrink he first said BPD, but then changed his story, said he'd call the doctor back, but he ended up saying he wanted a divorce, left me, and then "forgot to call". Right.

I think you might be right. They think we can save them, or just accept all the crazy things they do, how they hurt us, and when we can't, or try to re establish boundaries, they leave. I also had three grown step daughters(likely PD) who excluded me, and that added to the mix. He chose them, and he chose to be typically SELFISH, and he said he needs to find out what makes him happy. Oh, and that he knows he is an abusive ___hole. He says he knows I didn't deserve how he treated me. He even told his brother than he treated me horribly, and his brother said "just stop", and my husband said "I can't seem to". He needs a victim, at all times. And he needs to be able to play the victim too, and I wasn't buying into that anymore.

I think I got left, like you said, because I couldn't "save him", put up with his abuse with a smile, and I couldn't fix his rotten, crazy grown kids either, so he exited stage left. Hope he breaks a leg.

[Earthbayne]

Yep, and I used to be one of them.

[Craydar]

Did your ex have a lot of enablers around her/him?

Yesterday i got really pissed off at a coworker. My ex was complaining she couldn't gain weight(no wonder, when you don't eat anything or have really bad eating patterns) and the coworker heard this. She told her that sometimes people just have fast metabolism or a fast working thyroid and she felt bad for my ex. The coworker actually knows the full story about her eating problems. Why does she say things to her like that? People like that really piss me off.

Some people just don't think or have the proper filters. My ex is friends with a cognitive behavioral therapist who has no idea about her dysfunction because she hides it so well with her friends. They think it's cute that she's a drama queen. Other friends just party with her, so she can once again hide her true nature

[guy4caligirl]

Maybe it's that HE controlled when he left, instead of me?

This quote makes a lot of sense , when they get to feel that they secretly want to end the R/S they leave and get into the ST mode they like to be the dumper , they feel great and in control that's why they turn heartless ... .The ignoring you mode.

By the way "Modes "for BPDS are a great tool they use to defend or justify their drastic change in behavior just like automatic transmission  .per example, I stole because I was in survival mode ... .

Does that make an sense ?

[DangIthurts]

mine were very religious so faith also played huge roll. Like when I got her the dream car on an impulse because I wanted to see her safe and happy "must be gods plan for us to be together forever" Well 2 months and 3 weeks later someone else is more perfect than I.

Forgive me Dangithurts. I actually laughed when I read this. My situation was so similar.

its ok... .Funny thing is I got it on impulse after a month of not seeing her once probably our worst month ever... .And we'd just barely started seeing each other again and suddenly after that "together forever" little did I know what would await me less than a month later (another fight) and eventually a break up.

[willtimeheal]

Lots of parents of these people are enablers, especially if they're doing well financilly. When the going gets tough, parents resort to seeing the potential in their child rather than seeing their child for what they really are: a person who is mentally ill.

It's a weird mix of blind optimism and damage control.

This seems true. My exes family were all dysfunctional people. They were all a victim and never took responsibility for anything. Whenever something went wrong it was someone else's fault and someone was there  to bail them out.  If you grow up with it i guess you don't know any better. 

[SpringInMyStep]

Did your ex have a lot of enablers around her/him?

Yeah, me, unfortunately. Also, since we've split up, her therapist is the biggest one of all because she refuses to acknowledge the BPD. I think this is dangerous because my ex will never get better and she has someone who she is basically paying to agree with her.