found on dating site... he said awful things to me... hurting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been so depressdd over him... my friens practically begged me to activate an old dating account i had... .well i did and he popped up. hes fine... .already looking for a replacement. i was angry. even though im on there too... for me its reluctant... .and im not trying to replace him. it was my friends idea... .bc iv been crying over this fool so much.

i contacted i wasnt nasty i expressed hurt over him trying to find a replacement so soon. I also told him i was good to him and we failed bc he had BPD.

his response: look whos talking b* dont f*ing contact me you piece of s*.

i cried and cried over that. bc i gave him everything and i was good to him.

i sent him back that he knows im not a poece of s* and that i was good to him and thats how he views me? im painted black... .and he was the one who did me dirty.

to talk to me like that knowing im a goodperson... .that i love him and care for him is just so hard for me to grasp.

struggling.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I have been so depressdd over him... my friens practically begged me to activate an old dating account i had... .well i did and he popped up. hes fine... .already looking for a replacement. i was angry. even though im on there too... for me its reluctant... .and im not trying to replace him. it was my friends idea... .bc iv been crying over this fool so much.

i contacted i wasnt nasty i expressed hurt over him trying to find a replacement so soon. I also told him i was good to him and we failed bc he had BPD.

his response: look whos talking b* dont f*ing contact me you piece of s*.

i cried and cried over that. bc i gave him everything and i was good to him.

i sent him back that he knows im not a poece of s* and that i was good to him and thats how he views me? im painted black... .and he was the one who did me dirty.

to talk to me like that knowing im a goodperson... .that i love him and care for him is just so hard for me to grasp.

struggling.

[Raybo48]

I've been called those exact words before by my BPDx, just not the B**** part because I'm a guy.  That was coming from a girl who said she didn't like swearing and would come down on me if I used the word Christ in a slang way. 

They love to cut you deep when they can to cover their own shame. You busted him and made him feel shame no question.   

[Raybo48]

Also don't let him fool you into thinking he's 'happy' just because he appears that way on a dating site.  You know the real him and none of those people do, but they are about to find out.   These people are never happy for long and all their emotions and behaviors change on a dime.  They love to use social media (dating sites, Facebook, etc) to portray themselves as being happy with no problems what so ever.  False Self.

[fred6]

I have been so depressdd over him... my friens practically begged me to activate an old dating account i had... .well i did and he popped up. hes fine... .already looking for a replacement. i was angry. even though im on there too... for me its reluctant... .and im not trying to replace him. it was my friends idea... .bc iv been crying over this fool so much.

i contacted i wasnt nasty i expressed hurt over him trying to find a replacement so soon. I also told him i was good to him and we failed bc he had BPD.

his response: look whos talking b* dont f*ing contact me you piece of s*.

i cried and cried over that. bc i gave him everything and i was good to him.

i sent him back that he knows im not a poece of s* and that i was good to him and thats how he views me? im painted black... .and he was the one who did me dirty.

to talk to me like that knowing im a goodperson... .that i love him and care for him is just so hard for me to grasp.

struggling.

Stay NC HBR27, you are going to cause yourself more pain. I don't say this to judge you because I'm right where you are. I just want you to start to feel better and you won't if you continue to let him disrespect you the way he does. Don't give him the satisfaction of projecting on you. It will make him feel better in the short term and make you feel like $hit and lengthen your recovery time. He is an adult and he has made the decision that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and there is nothing that you can say or do to change that. I know it's hard, but you can do this

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Well iv been hurting ever since. the sick part is he knows hes BPD. But hes in denial how badly it affects him. its like he wants to prove that he can make a relationship work with someone else. he wants to believe that our relationship just isnt meant to be. but i truly believe that we could work if it werent for the lying and BPD. Its going to be the same for him in every relationship and he doesnt believe it. He blames me. i guess it bothers me so much... bc he used to pretend he understood that but he was probably just placating me. it hurts so much that he hates me for finally standing my ground and setting boundaries with him and nothing more. he even betrayed me and he has the nerve to call ME a pos? been cryin all week over it. i have 100s of emails in my inbox telling me im so beautiful... i went out halloween and attractive dudes approaching me... and here i am... .feeling worthless and missing a false person he presented to me. we shared so many loving moments and it meant nothing to him. i cry as i type this. just so depressed and sad. im holding onto hope with a finger at this point.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship. instead he believes it was just our dynamic... he has a rude awakening coming to him. good luck to him. there is no way in hell i woild take him back after all he has put me through. my best friend and her man have been together 5 years never has he called her names like that in a fight. its cruel and hateful and not the norm of a loving person

[Raybo48]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship. instead he believes it was just our dynamic... he has a rude awakening coming to him. good luck to him. there is no way in hell i woild take him back after all he has put me through. my best friend and her man have been together 5 years never has he called her names like that in a fight. its cruel and hateful and not the norm of a loving person

Getting them to take accountability for their actions let alone their words is nearly impossible.  Never once in the 3 years I was with my ex did she apologize for calling me those names or apologize for her behavior/actions.  Work on you, your self-worth is the most important thing right now.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

The last time he recycled me he acknowledged the hurt he put me through... said he was so sorry. but now i realize it was probably for his own personal gain to recycle me. which hurts so bad. Bc if he really meant those words he would have still acknowledged it on that dating site. but instead he treated me like he never did a thing to me and that i was the crazy one

[Raybo48]

The last time he recycled me he acknowledged the hurt he put me through... said he was so sorry. but now i realize it was probably for his own personal gain to recycle me. which hurts so bad. Bc if he really meant those words he would have still acknowledged it on that dating site. but instead he treated me like he never did a thing to me and that i was the crazy one

This happened all-the-time in my rs.  Call it projecting, denial, call it whatever you want; it's maddening.  The behavior/actions/hurt comes from them and we are called crazy?   Yea we have a part in the relationship which is sometimes dysfunctional for sure, but when they attempt to make you feel like you are the crazy one with words like "pyscho" it's extremely hurtful and confusing.

[fred6]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

[Climbmountains91]

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

i do feel he is evil when he paints me black... .bthis is the hardest for me to deal with bc when i ampainted white he is so incredibly sweet and good to me

[fred6]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

my question is... .where does the shame come from? what shame are we triggering? i agree with you one hundred. but what exactly is it?

[fred6]

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

I don't have to break you off a piece. Just pick one up, there are thousands of pieces laying all around courtesy of my ex. But seriously, I'm better but still a wreck. A long way from being strong. I find that when I try to help others and give advice. It actually makes me somewhat stronger because I should be able to follow my own advice. If not, I'm a hypocrite. At least that's my theory. If I'm going to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk. But then again, if my ex came over and took her clothes off I would probably crumble like a stale cracker. Yeah, I'm strong, haha. So much for that

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

I don't have to break you off a piece. Just pick one up, there are thousands of pieces laying all around courtesy of my ex. But seriously, I'm better but still a wreck. A long way from being strong. I find that when I try to help others and give advice. It actually makes me somewhat stronger because I should be able to follow my own advice. If not, I'm a hypocrite. At least that's my theory. If I'm going to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk. But then again, if my ex came over and took her clothes off I would probably crumble like a stale cracker. Yeah, I'm strong, haha. So much for that

one time i did that to my ex... he was being irrational and i disnt want him to break upwith me... he finds me very attractive... so i went in and started takibg my clothes off. epic recycle. he couldnt say no.

we are also dysfunctional too right?

[Climbmountains91]

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

i do feel he is evil when he paints me black... .bthis is the hardest for me to deal with bc when i ampainted white he is so incredibly sweet and good to me  

I know that feeling so well, thats what I'm finding so hard to break out the spell aswell but i need to keep telling ourselves. Its all an act and fair play to them, boy ... .They put on such a good act its so freakin believable. Argh! They could win an Emmy award. Seriously! Im trying to tell myself aswell after that night that even if he paints me white, he is still evil. Like my friend said try and turn that love into hate and focus and work on that. Im trying with it everyday but as we all know its hard.

[fred6]

my question is... .where does the shame come from? what shame are we triggering? i agree with you one hundred. but what exactly is it?

Who knows? Childhood abandonment, neglect, or abuse that they think is their fault while they are developing their personality as a small child. And probably all of the other negative things that they have done since. My ex probably feels shameful for cheating on me, lying to me, and treating me like crap. Then when she has contact with me, it stirs up not only what she did to me, but also all of her childhood wounds too.  

What does a child do when you catch them doing something wrong or don't give them what they want? Lie, blame, make excuses, no eye contact, go mute, avoidance, or get mad/rage. My ex did all of that, just like a 4-5 year old. I could be wrong, but that's my take on it... .

we are also dysfunctional too right?

We all have our issues.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

my question is... .where does the shame come from? what shame are we triggering? i agree with you one hundred. but what exactly is it?

Who knows? Childhood abandonment, neglect, or abuse that they think is their fault while they are developing their personality as a small child. And probably all of the other negative things that they have done since. My ex probably feels shameful for cheating on me, lying to me, and treating me like crap.

What does a child do when you catch them doing something wrong or don't give them what they want? Lie, blame, make excuses, no eye contact, go mute, avoidance, or get mad/rage. My ex did all of that, just like a 4-5 year old. I could be wrong, but that's my take on it... .

we are also dysfunctional too right?

We all have our issues.

that makes complete and total sense. how do they feel after i wonder. i wonder if he is regrettinf treating me like that and knows he acted out. he has shown clarity like that before. so hard tk seperate what is real and fakebwith them. i think things are real and fake for them at the same time which is why we cant grasp their behaviors to well. they are certainly an enigma.

I dont want to be ib a relationship with him. i want acknowledgment of what he did... .and i want him to get help. what i really wanted was him to get help in the relationship.

I'm going to have to concur with Raybo48. These are things that we all want from our ex's. They are also things that we will never get from our ex's.

I want to sit down with my ex and ask questions, get the truth, and get validation of how she made me feel. I want her to get help. I want her to love me the way that I love her. But sadly, none of that is ever going to happen. I have my good days and I have my bad days. But I have somewhat gained a level of acceptance of what I'm dealing with. At times it still hurts like a b|tch. And I'm still mad as hell at her for doing the things that she did. But I know now, that she has to take care of her self the only way that she knows how to. No matter how i feel about it. The only thing I can do is try my best to take care of myself. And the best way forward is NC... .

you sound so strong fred! wow HUGE change from even two weeks ago! break me off a piece!

Found mine on a dating website while we were on "trial separation" so instead of moping about it and over think things as i do i called him, his excuses as they always are were "I'm bored of my old friends, i need new friends, you know how sociel i am". So i did some evil detective work used my mates old account at her consent and he said he was looking for a relationship. He said he knew it was me all along but was playing along with it. YEAH RIGHT! Recently got back into a recycle and "were apparently taking things slow". Went on a night out the other night with him and he chatted up girls, flirting, trying to impress saying he worked at ... .When really his friend works there, infront of his friends face aswell. They are cruel abd evil. They love to sneakily "set fire" to things and then have a evil grin on there face and watch us and the situation burn in it.

Hope your ok (stupid question) cause i was fuming. Stay strong, your better than him.

i do feel he is evil when he paints me black... .bthis is the hardest for me to deal with bc when i ampainted white he is so incredibly sweet and good to me  

I know that feeling so well, thats what I'm finding so hard to break out the spell aswell but i need to keep telling ourselves. Its all an act and fair play to them, boy ... .They put on such a good act its so freakin believable. Argh! They could win an Emmy award. Seriously! Im trying to tell myself aswell after that night that even if he paints me white, he is still evil. Like my friend said try and turn that love into hate and focus and work on that. Im trying with it everyday but as we all know its hard.

So basically we have to do what they do? paint them black? now i fet why they do it much easier to get over us if they do that.

i cant think of him as all evil bc i know that is not true. he has helped.me through some very hard times... and i juat cant allow myself to be like him.

but its a catch 22 bc when i think of him realistically i miss him! damn totally lets me understand why tthey paint us black!

[sirensong65]

Dear Hurt:

Do me a favor and remove yourself from the dating site.  The reason we end up in this mess is we have been taught as children to allow people to trample our boundaries. Your friends mean well with their advice but jumping back into the shark invested waters without grieving what transpired and discovering WHO you are and HOW you ended up here is a fools errand.  They are giving you this advice without understanding the dynamics.  A BOD break up is unlike any other break up you will experience.  Jumping back in saddle when the tear stains on your blouse are still wet isn't the answer, in fact... .this could set you up to jump right back into another BPD relationship, same crap, just a different face.

[Raybo48]

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...   So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone. 

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

[Raybo48]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

[Mutt]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

[Raybo48]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

Yes Mutt, you're right.  Unfortunately I not only had the emotional immaturity that they can display, but it was compounded with horrible alcoholism that was out of control most of the time I was associated with her. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Dear Hurt:

Do me a favor and remove yourself from the dating site.  The reason we end up in this mess is we have been taught as children to allow people to trample our boundaries. Your friends mean well with their advice but jumping back into the shark invested waters without grieving what transpired and discovering WHO you are and HOW you ended up here is a fools errand.  They are giving you this advice without understanding the dynamics.  A BOD break up is unlike any other break up you will experience.  Jumping back in saddle when the tear stains on your blouse are still wet isn't the answer, in fact... .this could set you up to jump right back into another BPD relationship, same crap, just a different face.

he is my second BPD relationship. i am so ready to love again. i let him go. it was a short relationship. ill ALWAYS attract borderlines bc im co dependent but this relationship taught me that im so ready and can have a good relationship it was him that wasnt ready.

ibwas single for 3 years after my first BPD relationship. The only reasib i got with this obe was bc we were friends for a long time and he was a great friend. i knew somethibg wasnt right bc i was immediately attracted to him. so i rejected him. then he was really there for me and it started. i realized he was BPD fairly quickly. but sincr i am his first... for some reasob i thought maybe he wouldbt be set in his ways? it was dumb. but im totally ready. i still need a little healibg but im going to have fun in the kean time. i was single a loong time before him. i mostly healibg from the fact we had a great friendship before it was ruined by us becoming a couple.

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...  So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone.  

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...  So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone.  

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

He didnt say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .i think you just went through this as well raybo? right... she was askibg for your help then threatened a restraining order? Basically making it seem like youre some crazy stalker person. its hurts so badly bc its like *snaps fingers in front of eyes* "hiii do you remember who i am? i am a loving person who put up with more than a lot of people would!" im not here to hurt you im still the same person. bc they are capable of deep hatred and purposeful hurt they project that onto us. i would never want to hurt him intentionally EVER. yet thats how he views me now. its like... .no. thats you sir. Not me. ibwould never betray you... call you names... or try to make you feel small. so theres no need to get nasty. its impossible for them to speak with respect i f* swear man.

Yep HBR, sure did go through it.  All within the past 25 days or so.  We'd been in contact out of contact all summer.  I learned some of her 'code' words for talking to other guys and being on dating sites so when she started to tell me over the summer she was "lonely" that was code for I'm on a dating site.  If you look for tells they have them, or at least mine did.  Anyway... .fast forward to three weeks ago, she falls off the wagon (for the 1000th time since I've known her) and she called me out of the blue on a Sunday morning at 5:00am... .Tells me immediately that she thinks about me every day and loves me and wants me to come get her.  Coming to get her means to transplant her from AZ back to the Midwest.  She left a year ago to be with her family because she lost EVERYTHING to drinking... She lived with me for a little bit, but that's another story for another time.   So we talk for an hour on the phone that Sunday and basically tell her I wasn't comfortable with being ignored for most of the summer and then get a call out of the blue and ask me to drop everything, buy a one way plane ticket and drive her back here.  Then I ask her flat out if she's been dating and she admitted she went out with three different guys within the past couple of weeks but "didn't even kiss them".  She's a pathological lair so I knew that as complete bs...  So she got rejected from me and in the same conversation she says "I'm done loving you" and for good measure that night she texts me a picture of some guy from Plenty of Fish that she's about to go out with. If the BPD is one thing they are ALL incredibly immature.  So two weeks roll by and I stupidly text her to see how she's doing and then I get the "I begged you to come and get me and you did nothing so if you bother me anymore I'm going to file a restraining order"... .So she turned me into the crazy one... then this past Sunday she called me drunk AGAIN twice, but I ignored her... Then she texted me, and ignored that... THEN she went on her Facebook that is global and she posted two pictures of me calling me a stalker and she was going to file a restraining order if I didn't leave her alone.  Of course all her FB 'friends' ran to her rescue and encouraged her to call the police and file the report! Then after all that drama I looked a few hours later and the entire post was gone.  

These people will never change if they don't seek help... They are emotional vampires, period.

i read about all that but didnt realize she called u a stalker publically on fb! never caught that! talk about effed up! they is no limit. i wont even lookvat his fb... .since the fight. he is VERY vengeful and justifies doing horrible things when he is in that state. who KNOWS what he has put on there about me. maybe even nudes. he becomes a different person who has no limits when he paints me black. so cruel its shocking... and it is difficult to discern which side is the real him. bc as a good person. i cant imagine doing sh* like that to someone. so its hard ti believe his good side is real... .bc its even harder to accept that BOTH sides are him. i kean how do they co exist? Maybe thats where the shame comes from... when the good person kocks back in its like ooh f** i did that?

the s* they put themselves through alone. Damn. if they would just quit they wouldbt suffer somuch! they are just ridiculous to me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Think of a 3 year old.  A 3 year old can tell you they love you and five minutes later say they hate you, and mean it both times.  That's what arrested development looks like in an adult, and if a 3 year old said hurtful things it wouldn't hurt because, hey, they're 3.  Our mistake was letting it matter, or continuing to let it matter, and letting go of that means letting go of hope, hope that a relationship that meant the world to us at some point still has a chance, when the evidence clearly points to hopeless.  Letting go of that hope hurts.

So probably not a good idea to check out those dating sites anymore, yes Hurt?  it can feel like steps backwards in our detachment when we get that kind of communication, but so be it, what did you learn?  How can you use this moving forward?

[Raybo48]

I hadn't looked on her Facebook prior to that for a few weeks... I was dedicated to NC, but I knew after I blew off her calls and text she might do something. I contemplated and then I looked about an hour later.  By then there were nearly 30 posts about ME, and two pictures up of ME. One of us together that she cropped out to be only me and one of a profile pic of me she apparently had copied a long time ago from my FB.  It was insane to watch people try and convince her to have me arrested, reported, etc. Even an ex boyfriend chimed in who was notorious for feeding her alcohol when they dated... My anxiety was off the charts, but I never let her know I saw it, never gave her the satisfaction.  

I don't know what anyone else on here would say based on their experiences, but I can tell you from my own they have absolutely no limits. What I described is not the first time she did something to expose me, or hurt me.  There is little if any contemplation (especially when they are raging) on what they do to the ones they "love"... She used to tell me "you hurt the ones you love the most". It probably was the most truthful thing she ever said to me actually.  I believe they are all inherently 'good', but the disorder they have can mask all the good  to where they can be very dangerous and very unhealthy people to be around.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Think of a 3 year old.  A 3 year old can tell you they love you and five minutes later say they hate you, and mean it both times.  That's what arrested development looks like in an adult, and if a 3 year old said hurtful things it wouldn't hurt because, hey, they're 3.  Our mistake was letting it matter, or continuing to let it matter, and letting go of that means letting go of hope, hope that a relationship that meant the world to us at some point still has a chance, when the evidence clearly points to hopeless.  Letting go of that hope hurts.

So probably not a good idea to check out those dating sites anymore, yes Hurt?  it can feel like steps backwards in our detachment when we get that kind of communication, but so be it, what did you learn?  How can you use this moving forward?

i typed a long message and my phone got rid of it! im ok with getting myself out there.

i see no harm in it i know myself well and im capable of being a good partner to someone. at first i was reticient... .but his message just pushed me further to it.

I hadn't looked on her Facebook prior to that for a few weeks... I was dedicated to NC, but I knew after I blew off her calls and text she might do something. I contemplated and then I looked about an hour later.  By then there were nearly 30 posts about ME, and two pictures up of ME. One of us together that she cropped out to be only me and one of a profile pic of me she apparently had copied a long time ago from my FB.  It was insane to watch people try and convince her to have me arrested, reported, etc. Even an ex boyfriend chimed in who was notorious for feeding her alcohol when they dated... My anxiety was off the charts, but I never let her know I saw it, never gave her the satisfaction.   

I don't know what anyone else on here would say based on their experiences, but I can tell you from my own they have absolutely no limits. What I described is not the first time she did something to expose me, or hurt me.  There is little if any contemplation (especially when they are raging) on what they do to the ones they "love"... She used to tell me "you hurt the ones you love the most". It probably was the most truthful thing she ever said to me actually.  I believe they are all inherently 'good', but the disorder they have can mask all the good  to where they can be very dangerous and very unhealthy people to be around.

i typed a long message to u too and its gone! ill try again. one time there was a misunderstanding he thought i had said a lie about him (it was trivial but none the less not even true) its on my first post if u want to find it back in feb. i begged pleaded told him it wasnt true... but he didnt care exposed a huge secret in a sadistic way (put me in danger) it was a mistake i had made and told him when we were friends. it was traumatizing! over something i hadnt even done and was small anyway even if i had done it!

Next day... .this m*f* messages me! "maybe i went a little too far" ( no formal apology) ... .? you think? when i rejected him he got angry and threatened to throw my s* away. wow. great remorse there.

i STILL eventually took him back and he would joke about it! never showed true remorse. hes an a*h*

ugh no more. he was so lucky to have me. his loss

[Raybo48]

And that's the attitude you need, Self-worth.   I'm trying to repair mine as I write this, but it's exactly what they cleverly tear down piece by piece because in my opinion they have zero self worth of their own.  She used to call me "vain", and "arrogant".  I've been at the same job 25 years and drive a 17 year old jeep (albeit in excellent condition).  I'm not those things, but what I was was confident.  Yea maybe hugely co-dependent for trying to fix her, but certainly not vain.


The disorder can be very complicated to explain, but my take is they basically want what you have, but once they are given it they reject it because they have no idea what to do with it because they are emotionally arrested and have the mind of a 3 year old, literally.   Don't let him steal your joy, don't let him erode your self-worth.  Let yourself feel the pain, and learn from it and realize you took part in the relationship too so work on you so you are not drawn to BPD again.   Work on being emotionally balanced... If you accomplish that you wont even be attracted to them.

[Skip]

He didn't say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like I'm just some stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

You know that contacting him on a dating sight and accusing him of trying to find a replacement too soon is stalking, right?  He can file charges.

I'm not judging you - but its important for you see this and stop.  This part is not about him.

As I read your threads there are two consistent messages - one that speaks to what a despicable guy he is and one that you want him back.

I know you are in a lot of pain here.  But it doesn't help us to paint him black and want him at the same time.  This is a cognitive dissonance and there is a lot of associated mental stress or discomfort.

Skip

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He didn't say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like I'm just some stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

You know that contacting him on a dating sight and accusing him of trying to find a replacement too soon is stalking, right?  He can file charges.

I'm not judging you - but its important for you see this and stop.  This part is not about him.

As I read your threads there are two consistent messages - one that speaks to what a despicable guy he is and one that you want him back.

I know you are in a lot of pain here.  But it doesn't help us to paint him black and want him at the same time.  This is a cognitive dissonance and there is a lot of associated mental stress or discomfort.

Skip

skip sorry bout ya but no he couldnt. iv gone through the restraining order process and he could not file for that. secondly i was NOT stalkibg him it was a coincidence. yes me getting angry and messafibg was uncalled for but really pales ib comparison to whar he put me through. you are totally being judgemental. i blocked him afterwards. and havent looked at his profile. i also cant rwmember the last tine i even looked at his fb. weeks ago. i am FAR from stalking him. it triggered me and i said my peace. im allowed a mistake without being acused of being a stalker.

Lol there is nothibg to stop. i didnt even know he was ob the datibg site he popped up in MY visitor feed. not the other way around.

again dobt ever even look at his stuff. dont call him. I uadny even contacted him for well over 30 days. so no offense but you havent a clue what youre talking about.

And that's the attitude you need, Self-worth.   I'm trying to repair mine as I write this, but it's exactly what they cleverly tear down piece by piece because in my opinion they have zero self worth of their own.  She used to call me "vain", and "arrogant".  I've been at the same job 25 years and drive a 17 year old jeep (albeit in excellent condition).  I'm not those things, but what I was was confident.  Yea maybe hugely co-dependent for trying to fix her, but certainly not vain.


The disorder can be very complicated to explain, but my take is they basically want what you have, but once they are given it they reject it because they have no idea what to do with it because they are emotionally arrested and have the mind of a 3 year old, literally.   Don't let him steal your joy, don't let him erode your self-worth.  Let yourself feel the pain, and learn from it and realize you took part in the relationship too so work on you so you are not drawn to BPD again.   Work on being emotionally balanced... If you accomplish that you wont even be attracted to them.

I totally agree. a huge problen of mine is my self worth. When he called me a POS i helieved it for a couple days. then just realized he was projecting.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He didn't say i was crazy blatantly, but it was the obvious zeitgeist of the message. "dont f*ing contact me" like I'm just some stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

You know that contacting him on a dating sight and accusing him of trying to find a replacement too soon is stalking, right?  He can file charges.

I'm not judging you - but its important for you see this and stop.  This part is not about him.

As I read your threads there are two consistent messages - one that speaks to what a despicable guy he is and one that you want him back.

I know you are in a lot of pain here.  But it doesn't help us to paint him black and want him at the same time.  This is a cognitive dissonance and there is a lot of associated mental stress or discomfort.

Skip

i am sorry i did not.know you were a psychologist? if you read ALL my posts ibtalk about disagreeing with painting them all black. i struggle the SAME as everyone else with missing him. but NO i do not want him back. my confusion and struggles are no different than anyone elses he is certainly not painted black in my mind. he had dobe a lotbof cruel and hateful things but as my posts state he has also dobe a lotbof loving things. i see him as both good and bad. he has two sides to him. i dont see him as all black. and if i wanted him back i could have him back. it is not difficult to recycle with him. and i know hin very well im working my ass off to move on bc it is what is best for me.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Also i certainlu Do NOT think he is despicable. i state facts about things he has done which are despicable for anyone to do. but i do not hate him in fact i care a great deal about him. but my empathy for him has gotten me no where and i need to toughen up and focus on the anger. and stop ignoring the fact he has done cruel things to me asbi have done in the past which has kept me goin back. You have an opinion and ibrespect that. but doesnt make it necessarily true.

[caughtnreleased]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

Yes Mutt, you're right.  Unfortunately I not only had the emotional immaturity that they can display, but it was compounded with horrible alcoholism that was out of control most of the time I was associated with her. 

Yeah... .after our recycle which lasted four months, mine was more diplomatic but essentially said the same thing: there was never anything between us, and there never would be, when was I gonna get it through my head, oh and sorry if he let me believe anything different, but now he was letting me know... .  it's like gaslighting... .it does make you feel like you could have been a crazy obsessed stalker and the guy never existed, or you had a relationship with him in your head.  I also told him that breaking up with someone via text was pretty damn cowardly, and he came back again that there was nothing wrong with that, it was all in my head... .all in my head... .all in my head! woa... .crazy maker! Luckily, I had a good response, and I stand by it! haha  SUCKER!  

Hurtbeyondrepair... .it seems like yes, he did project. You shamed him. He's ashamed he's been caught on the hunt.  He might also be a bit pissed that you're also on the hunt! think about that  

Here's the thing I wonder... .how do we fall for people who can act like this! I don't believe what he says for a second, its like he fears that I would dismiss him, so he has to do it first... .but it's the most pathetic thing someone I have been romantically very interested in has EVER said to me... .and I wonder... .where is the disconnect... .I liked him alot! but he says pathetic things like this that make me lose any and all respect for him... .sad.

[Raybo48]

HBR, have you considered the fact that you may be co-dependent?  From what you have described it sounds like you certainly could be.  I know I am and that's why I have been able to look past all he horrible things my BPDx has done to me and still find myself wanting to rescue her, miss her, and forgive her.  

We all must take a responsible part in the rs we had and realize although they are dysfunctional and have a disorder you need to realize that you were drawn to an emotionally dysfunctional individual.  You have to own that and work on healing yourself so you don't continue to look for and be drawn to that disorder over and over again.

I've owned my part in my messed up relationship and I have a long way to go before I can heal and unlearn what has been so comfortable to me my whole life.  The fixer, the accommodator, the one who puts his own feelings aside for the sake of others.  Just admitting it sounds messed up.

I think the member who tried earlier to convince you to forgo the dating site was trying to convey to you to work on yourself and become emotionally balanced before you went into another relationship.  We all want you to be in the best place possible before you dedicate yourself to someone, that's all.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

"dont f*ing contact me" like im just sone stalker who wont leave him alone... .

Mine said the same thing to me. I think that I posted this in the Halloween thread last week. But before I moved out, my ex promised that sometimes I could see her daughter and that damn cat that I love. So about a week ago I tried to see if it was OK to see them. She texted me back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". I tried not to take it personal, but of course I did. They don't care about anything but how they FEEL at the time, nothing else matters to them. They do this because we trigger them. When they have contact with us, they feel all of the shame that they feel for themselves and get mad because we stir up all of those negative feelings. I know it's sad for us, but it's even sadder for them.

Jez Fred, to they have a play book?  I can't tell you how many times I've been told those exact nasty words and then I hear from her again within weeks... .nuts!

It's emotional immaturity

Yes Mutt, you're right.  Unfortunately I not only had the emotional immaturity that they can display, but it was compounded with horrible alcoholism that was out of control most of the time I was associated with her. 

Yeah... .after our recycle which lasted four months, mine was more diplomatic but essentially said the same thing: there was never anything between us, and there never would be, when was I gonna get it through my head, oh and sorry if he let me believe anything different, but now he was letting me know... .  it's like gaslighting... .it does make you feel like you could have been a crazy obsessed stalker and the guy never existed, or you had a relationship with him in your head.  I also told him that breaking up with someone via text was pretty damn cowardly, and he came back again that there was nothing wrong with that, it was all in my head... .all in my head... .all in my head! woa... .crazy maker! Luckily, I had a good response, and I stand by it! haha  SUCKER!  

Hurtbeyondrepair... .it seems like yes, he did project. You shamed him. He's ashamed he's been caught on the hunt.  He might also be a bit pissed that you're also on the hunt! think about that  

Here's the thing I wonder... .how do we fall for people who can act like this! I don't believe what he says for a second, its like he fears that I would dismiss him, so he has to do it first... .but it's the most pathetic thing someone I have been romantically very interested in has EVER said to me... .and I wonder... .where is the disconnect... .I liked him alot! but he says pathetic things like this that make me lose any and all respect for him... .sad.

good points! i think i was just hurt bc i know he ll do the same crap with someone else and it bothered me he wouldnt get help in the relationship. i guess it makes me feel worthless which has nothing to do with him. and everything to do with... why ambi letting him determine my self worth? and he is keen and knows that which os why he specifically called me a POS. he knows just what to say that will hurt the most.

i guess by him looking elsewhere it makes me think that he thinks im the problem. bc thats why i think i can date again! im not some helpless victim i wasnt perfect... .but i never abused. never called names. we mostly fought when i set a boundary or if i was catching him in a lie.

the stuff i am willing to put up with blows my mind. the self worth part is my biggest downfall.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

HBR, have you considered the fact that you may be co-dependent?  From what you have described it sounds like you certainly could be.  I know I am and that's why I have been able to look past all he horrible things my BPDx has done to me and still find myself wanting to rescue her, miss her, and forgive her.  

We all must take a responsible part in the rs we had and realize although they are dysfunctional and have a disorder you need to realize that you were drawn to an emotionally dysfunctional individual.  You have to own that and work on healing yourself so you don't continue to look for and be drawn to that disorder over and over again.

I've owned my part in my messed up relationship and I have a long way to go before I can heal and unlearn what has been so comfortable to me my whole life.  The fixer, the accommodator, the one who puts his own feelings aside for the sake of others.  Just admitting it sounds messed up.

I think the member who tried earlier to convince you to forgo the dating site was trying to convey to you to work on yourself and become emotionally balanced before you went into another relationship.  We all want you to be in the best place possible before you dedicate yourself to someone, that's all.

yes i mentioned in one of my posts on here that i am co dependent! iv been in therapy for it for awhile... .im also avoidant. im starting up therapy again reluctantly. But i know it must be done.

and i agree i need to be emotionally balanced in order to get into a relationship. im just having fun for now. not looking for serious.

i want a relationship i really do but my biggest fear is im a lost cause. and its totally depressing.

edit: tbh iv been in therapy for so long and im doing so much better than i was 4 years ago i sometimes feel like this is as good as it gets for me. thats partlywhy i know i am capable of loving again.

i guess im just confused. im afraid if i wait thinking ilm get to thisbplace of complete emotional health that it will never happen for me... and ill end up alone and regretting that i didbt put myself out there while i was young im 28.

[Raybo48]

HBR, have you considered the fact that you may be co-dependent?  From what you have described it sounds like you certainly could be.  I know I am and that's why I have been able to look past all he horrible things my BPDx has done to me and still find myself wanting to rescue her, miss her, and forgive her.  

We all must take a responsible part in the rs we had and realize although they are dysfunctional and have a disorder you need to realize that you were drawn to an emotionally dysfunctional individual.  You have to own that and work on healing yourself so you don't continue to look for and be drawn to that disorder over and over again.

I've owned my part in my messed up relationship and I have a long way to go before I can heal and unlearn what has been so comfortable to me my whole life.  The fixer, the accommodator, the one who puts his own feelings aside for the sake of others.  Just admitting it sounds messed up.

I think the member who tried earlier to convince you to forgo the dating site was trying to convey to you to work on yourself and become emotionally balanced before you went into another relationship.  We all want you to be in the best place possible before you dedicate yourself to someone, that's all.

yes i mentioned in one of my posts on here that i am co dependent! iv been in therapy for it for awhile... .im also avoidant. im starting up therapy again reluctantly. But i know it must be done.

and i agree i need to be emotionally balanced in order to get into a relationship. im just having fun for now. not looking for serious.

i want a relationship i really do but my biggest fear is im a lost cause. and its totally depressing.

edit: tbh iv been in therapy for so long and im doing so much better than i was 4 years ago i sometimes feel like this is as good as it gets for me. thats partlywhy i know i am capable of loving again.

i guess im just confused. im afraid if i wait thinking ilm get to thisbplace of complete emotional health that it will never happen for me... and ill end up alone and regretting that i didbt put myself out there while i was young im 28.

Don't sell yourself short, you are not a lost cause.  You seem to be fully aware what he was/is, but hey you loved him and love gets in a the way of a lot of things right?   

The only shred of compassion I have right now for my BPDx is she's chasing love, and has no idea how to attain it.  She's in love with the idea of love and is desperately seeking a guy to fill that horrible void she has inside.  Its hard having that knowledge  and not feeling compassion for them.  One of the last things she told me  before she said she was "done loving me" was that she doesn't want to be alone and be the "cat lady".  What she doesn't understand is she's destined to be the cat lady unless she works on herself and admits she has a problem.  In all honesty I don't think she ever will.  Not because the statistics say most BPD won't seek help, but because I can sense this is the best she ever will be.  Also, her alcoholism will likely get the best of her someday and her rock bottom will likely be death as even a couple of her sponsors have attested to. 

My point to all this is don't sell yourself short as long as you have compassion, empathy, the ability to love etc.  Go out and have fun if you must, but don't take your eye off the prize... .Self-worth... .With that you'll be better than you ever thought you could be.

[lovethebeach]

Well said Raybo!

I'm currently going through almost the same thing! I miss him terribly, but I also know I gave it 150% and then some. I know how difficult it is, but its important to remember that what you're feeling is normal.

Keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel: a better you!

Afterall, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."



Hang in there! We're all in this together!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He just wrote this to me on cl and signed it with a code only i would know.

No, I don't love you. not anymore. I stopped loving you long ago, before we broke up but I held on to see if we could fix this. we couldn't. YOU broke up with me then you get mad I'm trying to date? f*  you, I have a right to seek happiness, and the reason you found out I was trying to date is because you were on the same dating site. stop being a hypocrite. I hate you as a person, I think you're a f*king ___. stop trying to give me sh!t. there is no love for you anymore, leave me alone

he posted this an hour ago about when i got a message from fb... a confirmation code... which i googled so someone was trying to get into my account.

i havent contacted him but the ONE time through the datibg site. and again telling me to leave him alone when i havent bothered him.

also... .he broje up with ME. i just told him not to come back again. im totally black/dead to him now.

is it really necessary to dig the knife in? i said nothibg even close to that cruelty to him. i plan on ignoring it. he wants me to leave him alone. no problem.

he says he stopped loving me long before the breakup... yet when he recycled me told me he loved me so much.

dont understand him.

struggling

[Startattoo2]

Sorry to hear your struggle.

I'm no expert, and am 2 months out of relationship with ex BPD.

It sounds to me like projection, the part about not loving you before you split, that's the impression he wrongly made up for himself about you. He wrongly thought you didn't love him.

The words love don't seem to mean much to them, it's only because they know you want to hear it, it makes you theirs. I think for me that was all I wanted to hear, and I believed it.

With mine, I was accused of all the things she did to me, this sounds similar to you.

I'd say they seem to know what they did(subconsciously) and then blame you for it all. With mine, I'd have told her the relationship broke down because of virtually everything she blamed me for!

It's a screwed up state to be in.

You'll miss them, you'll crave them, you'll wonder what you could have done differently, the truth is - nothing. Walk away, it's so hard to say, and harder to do, but you must and you must avoid all contact, I still want a text, a message or something, but she can go get out of my life, I'm a good person, and I don't doubt you are too.

Good luck and keep posting.

Anything they say is smoke and Mirrors to deflect the blame off themself. Just like a kid with choc round their face saying they didn't eat the cookies.

The more he blames and calls you, the more you a proven to be a better Person than them.

[fred6]

dont understand him.

struggling  

I don't understand my ex either HBR27. But let me ask you a question. Even if you did understand him, how would it change the situation that you're in right now? Do you think that understanding him would change his behaviors and actions toward you? Trust me, I know it's a $hitty feeling not knowing What the heck happened. I understand HOW a car works, but that doesn't mean that I can fix it. The path is to accept who and what he is. You should try to reframe your focus. I know it's easier said than done and I struggle daily with it. Strength comes from within.

You'll probably have to repeat this to me when I feel weak. That will probably be sooner rather than later

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I feel like he is projecting too. i found out he was seeking childporn at one point before our relationship ended. he hatesme? more like he hates himself. he didbtloveme? more like he feels i didnt love him anymore after discovering just how screwes up he is. I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks. he has distorted the reality of the situation so much it onlyhighlights his disorder. and i feel sorry for him. bc he doesnt have anyone amd i actually reallyloved him. i would never cause him harm and hes too sick to see it. iknow i amloved and i know im a good person bc thelove heing given to me by a dear friend of mine. we have a deep loving friendship on a level iv never had before and im so grateful i have this. im not sure he is capable of experiencing that if he refuses to look at himself. im just going to keep working on meand let this go i dontneed to rage at himand make him feel terriblein order tomove on. He tears himself down enough.

[Raybo48]

I feel like he is projecting too. i found out he was seeking childporn at one point before our relationship ended. he hatesme? more like he hates himself. he didbtloveme? more like he feels i didnt love him anymore after discovering just how screwes up he is. I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks. he has distorted the reality of the situation so much it onlyhighlights his disorder. and i feel sorry for him. bc he doesnt have anyone amd i actually reallyloved him. i would never cause him harm and hes too sick to see it. iknow i amloved and i know im a good person bc thelove heing given to me by a dear friend of mine. we have a deep loving friendship on a level iv never had before and im so grateful i have this. im not sure he is capable of experiencing that if he refuses to look at himself. im just going to keep working on meand let this go i dontneed to rage at himand make him feel terriblein order tomove on. He tears himself down enough.

I have found the more you contact them when they are in this mode the more they will distort reality and the situation will spiral out of control.  That's when they can be their most dangerous and unpredictable.  Just like in the case of my BPDx threatening a restraining order.  Our "relationship" is so damaged at this point that all caution is thrown to the wind by her and I know she is capable of anything.   

Don't worry about what he is capable or not capable anymore, just worry about you.  Work on improving yourself all the time and your self-worth and self-esteem.  We ALL take a swift kick in the ass in that department when it ends with these people.  They do their dead level best to project enough to make us feel like a horrible person, and lets face it some of it sticks.  It's toxic as hell and we have to spend the necessary time peeling off all those layers they threw our way to find ourselves again.

[fromheeltoheal]

I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks.

Someone who is constantly focused on and in fear of abandonment will do whatever they can to try and avoid that abandonment.  A handy way to do that is to capitalize on someone's weaknesses to make us feel worse about ourselves, to be in control in the relationship, so we won't leave.  If we're predisposed to insecurity and then get the crazymaking gaslighting, projection, unstable self, rages, unpredictability, whatever else shows up from someone we're emotionally enmeshed with, it will make us more insecure, so the situation just escalates.  And not only won't we leave, because we don't feel anywhere near good about ourselves, the borderline doesn't need to accept responsibility for anything negative, which keeps the shame at bay.  Ugly situation, nowhere near a healthy relationship, and once we get to that point in a relationship with a borderline, removing them from our lives is the only solution, self preservation.  And it will be perceived as abandonment by a borderline, a self-fulfilling prophesy once again, the tools they were using to try and make us stay drove us away.  The crazy won't end until you stop engaging with him Hurt.

[Pingo]

I feel like he is projecting too. i found out he was seeking childporn at one point before our relationship ended. he hatesme? more like he hates himself. he didbtloveme? more like he feels i didnt love him anymore after discovering just how screwes up he is. I may be insecure about everything... but i know im a good person. he doesnt realize this which is why.thats the one thing he attacks. he has distorted the reality of the situation so much it onlyhighlights his disorder. and i feel sorry for him. bc he doesnt have anyone amd i actually reallyloved him. i would never cause him harm and hes too sick to see it. iknow i amloved and i know im a good person bc thelove heing given to me by a dear friend of mine. we have a deep loving friendship on a level iv never had before and im so grateful i have this. im not sure he is capable of experiencing that if he refuses to look at himself. im just going to keep working on meand let this go i dontneed to rage at himand make him feel terriblein order tomove on. He tears himself down enough.

I experienced something similar.  After we were split for less than 2 mths I found out he had lied to me before and after we split, living with an exgf and also dating someone new.  I was really angry so I emailed him, called him on his lies.  He then turned it around and sent me an email FULL of projection and blame.  He told me that he was 'over' me and sorry that I am clearly not over him (meanwhile we were married and together 4 yrs!), he accused me of playing the 'victim', he told me it was none of my business what he was doing (true) as 'I gave up on him', that I 'wallow in self-pity', that I am probably lying about seeing a T... .it was ridiculous!  But it also helped me to see him for what he is.  Sick and beyond repair.  It helped me to let go of him and any remaining fantasy that we could somehow reconcile.  Use this as a catalyst to move into a more powerful place where you call the shots and have control of you and your own decisions, dreams and hopes.  BTW, you may be hurt but you are NOT beyond repair!

[patientandclear]

i truly believe that we could work if it werent for the lying and BPD.

You know, a hard but ultimately helpful thing I have come to accept is that, but for BPD, my ex would never have been with me in the first place. For many reasons. He wouldn't have been available--he's have stayed with one of the dozens of smart wonderful women he's gotten close to in his adult lifetime. He wouldn't have chosen me. He picked me out because I had qualities that made me a good "mark" for what he, as a person with BPD, thought a r/ship was supposed to be about (me making him feel good and being reliable and trustworthy).

Him without BPD: I'd never even have met him because he wouldn't change jobs everyone years in hopes of finding something that makes him fulfilled and happy.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I don't understand how if he wants me stuck on him... he keeps telling me to leave him alone... ,.

?

Isn't that the opposite of having me stuck on him? If he is attempting to make me insecure... too insecure to move on...

I don't get why calling me names and telling me to f* off will accomplish that in his mind.

[Raybo48]

I don't understand how if he wants me stuck on him... he keeps telling me to leave him alone... ,.

?

Isn't that the opposite of having me stuck on him? If he is attempting to make me insecure... too insecure to move on...

I don't get why calling me names and telling me to f* off will accomplish that in his mind.

Push/pull gymnastics... Come here, go way.  I hate you, I love you...    100% typical in my experiences... Drives you wacky.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't understand how if he wants me stuck on him... he keeps telling me to leave him alone... ,.

?

Isn't that the opposite of having me stuck on him? If he is attempting to make me insecure... too insecure to move on...

I don't get why calling me names and telling me to f* off will accomplish that in his mind.

When you were in a relationship with him he was doing what he thought he had to so you wouldn't leave, always fearing that you would.  But since you left him the rules have changed; to avoid blaming the demise of the relationship on himself, which would result in him melting into a puddle of shame, he needs to blame everything on you and make you the scum of the earth, to feel better about himself.  That may change though: if things aren't going well with a new attachment, and he feels like he's going to be abandoned again, the constant focus, he may turn to you to see if an attachment is still in place, again so he can feel better.  Standard borderline, apply as needed.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thats really selfish and screwed up. especially since he knows ibhave thisbhuge heart and im highly empathetic. he knows it matters to me to be a good person.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thats really selfish and screwed up. especially since he knows ibhave thisbhuge heart and im highly empathetic. he knows it matters to me to be a good person.

I obviously don't know you or your ex and BPD traits exist on a continuum and are often comorbid with other disorders, but for a pure borderline it's always all about him, as it would be with anyone in constant pain.  Borderlines are all about need fulfillment, soothing the emotion of the moment, by using other people, since they feel everything intensely and don't have the ability to self-soothe.  So the attachment gets to be the dumping ground for negative stuff, the source of positive stuff they can assimilate through mirroring, and the assumer of all responsibility and blame.  Rosy world for them if they can get away with it, for a moment at a time anyway, although they are always afraid of abandonment too and the behaviors usually cause abandonment, or they perceive actions as abandonment and preempt it by leaving themselves.  That roller coaster will never stop, and the only thing we can do is get off and get on with our lives.  And as we get on with those lives, use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow; what did you do right in the relationship?  What can you do better?