feeling hurt, destroyed, no self esteem, no self respect after my BPD ex

[jflc]

i was able to break up with my ex girlfriend who has BPD. i feel like im wounded for life, im really insecure abt myself, cant stop crying, and am feeling miserable - for what she has done to me.

we dated for more than 1 year, and she was obsessed with me. she mirrored me and that made me fall head first in love with her.

everything was going great until she started acting weird. she would lie, manipulate emotionally, make me feel bad, etc etc... but thats not the worst

she would frequently cheat on me and lie well about it - and since she lied so well, i always believed she didnt... until the point where i read some of her whatsapp msgs and she talked horribly about me to her friends and flirted + had unprotected sex with other guys.

so after i manage to break up with her after so much pain and her not letting me... 2 weeks later she finds herself another guy, gets into a serious relationship with him, and acts as if we never had anything... so she made me emotionally attached, made me suffer, cheated on me, made me believe she loved me and was obsessed with me, and now completely forgets me with someone else, making me feel insecure impotent, as if i was always wrong.

is this normal in BPD people? how could she be so obsessed with me and 10 days later completely forget me? im really confused, really hurt, and needing your help guys... i feel like these wounds wont heal, im feeling as if what we had never meant anything, that i wasnt good enough, and that she jjust manipulated me into thinking she loved me to out of the blue leave me and get serious with some other guy (which i think she was cheating on with while with me)

im desperate and really depressed... any input will be very appreciated 

[jflc]

was my relationship a lie? did she never love me in the first place? im feeling so insecure and so destroyed and as if im not worth ___... bc if she found someone 2 weeks later, it means she doesnt care abt me anymore... how is this possible after 1 intese year?

[SeaShellz]

They just can't be alone. My BPD ex just found someone else after just about one week and "fell in love" with her after a week and a half. And apparently shes already in love with him too according to the facebook posts i saw.   i blocked them both after that... i really hurt myself seeing pictures of them kissing and even laying in bed together. Me and him were together for 4 years.

[jflc]

yes me too... i saw them kissing and laying and saying they love each other...

does this mean she never loved me? does it mean she forgot about me and that what she said she felt was never real?

[Restored2]

Hello jflc,

I can sympathize and relate to where you are coming from.

From what I'm learning, the rules of conduct are completely different for someone with traits of BPD.  They do not think, feel or behave in any kind of normalcy.  Trying to rationalize irrational behaviour is not only futile, but exhausting and crazy making.  I preach to myself here too.

You deserve better than this kind of mistreatment.  

[jflc]

i dont get it... how is it different?

she seemed so into our relationship, into me, the same way i was into her...

did i mean nothing to her all along? is she at least thinking about me or whatever, did she ever love me? do BPDs have a bit of sincerity in their relationships?

[bungenstein]

i dont get it... how is it different?

she seemed so into our relationship, into me, the same way i was into her...

did i mean nothing to her all along? is she at least thinking about me or whatever, did she ever love me? do BPDs have a bit of sincerity in their relationships?

BPD's don't have the ability to love jflc, I'm sorry. They only have the ability to need. They are empty.

[jflc]

wow... so my hopes of her calling me back and wanting me back for all the strong things we had are shattered...

and now i feel so insecure... like i wasnt enough...

how do i heal from this? what should i do to get better?

i still masturbate thinking about her... the sex was wonderful...

should i stop that? what else should i do to feel better?

[bungenstein]

Enough for what? Enough to love? They can't love. Noone can make them love.

The longer you would have stayed with her, the more damage she would have done to you, and the greater the chance she could have wrecked your life.

Don't underestimate how dangerous these people are, take what you've been through very seriously, the PTSD some people experience who have been unfortunate enough to go as far as marrying someone like this, has destroyed them permanently.

You are lucky you have only been with her a year and got away before something like babies really gave you a life sentence, you can heal and grow from this, this forum will provide you will all the information you need, and you'll become a much better person because of it.

[SeaShellz]

I think that they think they love us while they are with us. I believe this because twice my ex bf said, "if i didnt love you, why would i feel this way? Why would i cut my wrists?" He was probably more low functioning than most BPDs talked about on this site but emotionally they all seem similar. I dont think he even understood his own emotions. He seemed to adore me. Always catering to my needs, telling me he loved me. But something was off... .he didnt care about my goals in life or my feelings about anything other than my love for him and my sexual desire for him.

[Waifed]

wow... so my hopes of her calling me back and wanting me back for all the strong things we had are shattered...

and now i feel so insecure... like i wasnt enough...

how do i heal from this? what should i do to get better?

i still masturbate thinking about her... the sex was wonderful...

should i stop that? what else should i do to feel better?

Sorry that you are having to go through this. You have come to the right place to start healing. The posters on these boards are at different stages of recovery and we are all here to help. You will get through this. Be patient and focus on you, not her. She will not take care of you. Only you can do that. Be kind to yourself and give your mind time to process what you have experienced. Learn all you can from this site and the many articles and books recommended on here.

[bungenstein]

I think that they think they love us while they are with us. I believe this because twice my ex bf said, "if i didnt love you, why would i feel this way? Why would i cut my wrists?" He was probably more low functioning than most BPDs talked about on this site but emotionally they all seem similar. I dont think he even understood his own emotions. He seemed to adore me. Always catering to my needs, telling me he loved me. But something was off... .he didnt care about my goals in life or my feelings about anything other than my love for him and my sexual desire for him.

I've learnt to ignore everything a borderline says, it doesn't matter, watch what they do to you, they try to push you into a position of need, they need you to need them.

[jflc]

what the ___ did i get myself into

[jflc]

seriously this doesnt seem real... i was manipulated something i never dreamed existed... how is this even possible... how was i so easily fooled? and why do i feel like i love her so much? how did she get me to have such strong feelings for her? why do i think she was the person i loved the most in my life?

seriously im so confused right now this seems like a work of fiction or something... everything with her seemed so real...

how can i let go of these feelings? how can i forget her? i really need ur help guys...

[Waifed]

seriously this doesnt seem real... i was manipulated something i never dreamed existed... how is this even possible... how was i so easily fooled? and why do i feel like i love her so much? how did she get me to have such strong feelings for her? why do i think she was the person i loved the most in my life?

seriously im so confused right now this seems like a work of fiction or something... everything with her seemed so real...

how can i let go of these feelings? how can i forget her? i really need ur help guys...

the board is full of people who feel like they were duped and lived a lie. Be easy on yourself. It will get better. You have to just let it all play out in your head.

You will learn from reading that a BPD is good at mirroring people. They know what makes you feel good. She has filled a void inside of you that you have lived with your whole life. She has mirrored the traits in you that are good (too you) and it makes you feel like a complete person when you are with her. It's a mind ___ really.

[Pingo]

seriously this doesnt seem real... i was manipulated something i never dreamed existed... how is this even possible... how was i so easily fooled? and why do i feel like i love her so much? how did she get me to have such strong feelings for her? why do i think she was the person i loved the most in my life?

seriously im so confused right now this seems like a work of fiction or something... everything with her seemed so real...

how can i let go of these feelings? how can i forget her? i really need ur help guys...

jflc, I'm so sorry for what you have been through.  I and everyone on here can hear and feel your pain, we know it well.  Those feelings of being a fool, of the whole thing being a fiction... .I said those exact words.  It is terribly confusing and so hard to deal with.  Be patient with yourself.  It takes time to start to sort it all out.  Just take one day at a time, things will get easier.  We're here for you.   

[jflc]

thanks guys...

i can barely eat, barely sleep, im feeling so traumatized... i dont trust anyone, and cant imagine myself trusting a girl anymore...

its really hard for me to take this in a non-personal level... my mind just pounds the fact that if i were good, shed still be with me, and not have found what i "dont have" in some other dude... im literally depressed... is it possible that i have ptsd?

[Loveofhislife]

[/quote]
I've learnt to ignore everything a borderline says, it doesn't matter, watch what they do to you, they try to push you into a position of need, they need you to need them.[/quote]
Amen. So many times, I would say to exbfBPD that I "choose" to love him--that I don't need him. I kid you not; he was hurt and insulted by this. I'm a very independent woman, in most every way "externally." However, he saw "the lonely child" in me: the codependent, who he tried endlessly to bring into submission. He never could--no matter how hard he tried to control me. So, choosing need over love (because they cannot fathom love), he just left. They need us to need them; he told me in so many ways as if uttering it aloud would make it so. Even the large amount of money and property he took from me, he would say, "But if I pay you back, you won't NEED me anymore. WOW!

[Pingo]

thanks guys...

i can barely eat, barely sleep, im feeling so traumatized... i dont trust anyone, and cant imagine myself trusting a girl anymore...

its really hard for me to take this in a non-personal level... my mind just pounds the fact that if i were good, shed still be with me, and not have found what i "dont have" in some other dude... im literally depressed... is it possible that i have ptsd?

It's absolutely possible, check out this recent thread to see you are not alone.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236698.0

You have been traumatised, it takes time.  What are you doing to take care of you right now?  Do you have a good friend you can talk to?

[jflc]

im talking with my therapist and shes helping me a lot... my friends do help a bit too sometimes

but im going throught protracted benzodiazepine withdrawal, i post daily on benzobuddies, etc.

im going through two of the hardest struggles AT THE SAME time. it kills me... im pretty much housebound bc of benzo wd, and pretty destroyed internally bc of my BPD ex...

im like the unluckiest person alive... my life is shattered and im having to face two of the most difficult emotional bargains of the 21st century...   :'(  

[balou_k]

I feel the same way like you do, like the most of us felt or feel...

Don't blame yourself for loving someone who didn't deserve your love...

[jflc]

people like this shouldnt exist, seriously... they trick us into loving them, when in the end its just a game for them of manipulation and nothing has ever mattered... she tricked me and now im feeling empty, insecure, and without the ability to trust others again... everyone might be a pd in my mine... .idk what to do...

[jflc]

how do i get over this?

[emancipated]

Hey friend... in ur response to how you get through this. Its not simple and you likely have a very long road ahead of u.e and my ex split back in June and she decided to call it quits permanently and left me for a much older much homelier much more financially secure man. To say it devastated me would be a serious understatement. This is the woman I fought for said would love me forever. What makes mine different from most is she hid the new relationship and I had to researxh and find out that way. Almost every story I've read has their exes rubbing her new relationship in their face yet mine wouldnt acknowledge him to me until i confronted her via text and then she tries to call me 8 times to I assume try and explain. So yea it does mess with ur mind and from what a lot of people have said is they choose someone easier to manipulate next time think about it she has another year of seeing how her actions can be gotten away with and like large predator she is becoming more experienced in the hunt. People often say to focus on u and while its important I find that when my focus does shift to them to remember her phone works and the reason she doesn't call is because she doesn't and didnt love u ur angry ur hurt and if they came back today u might sell ur soul to get them back. Focus on how abruptly they left and everyone is right don't think about her words think about her actions. Because in the end when push came to shove they dropped u like a boxer who lost the championship. I think of her like don king the boxing promoter. Go back and watch the Trevor burbick mike Tyson fight on you tube... Watch as soon as mike puts dude on his back don king stepped over the champion to new one when 20 minutes earlier Dude was his man

[Deeno02]

how do i get over this?

Read the lessons on this site, get into therapy, go strict no contact. Its going to be a ___ storm of emotions, but you will make it. Im not 100% yet, probably never will because I will have a hard time trusting again, but the therapy has been great. This site is great and the people on here are great and have been through this! Use them, vent, read.

[drxap]

You may want her to take you back and you believe that you could make it work if you had another shot. Often the pwBPD will recycle you, which will only make your pain much worse, trust me. I just went through this and I promised I wouldn't get emotionally attached.

The best things you can do for yourself are:

1. Absolutely no contact with the exBPDgf. Forever.

2. Maintain a support network (family, friends, therapist)

3. Try to completely avoid checking in on how their like is going via social media.

Many of us found ourselves in these relationships because we were lonely and did not know how to enforce boundaries.

[jflc]

how can the border have so much power of manipulation, where they can make you act in complete contradiction to your most fundamental beliefs and values, in a way where you never let yourself act that way before - with any relationships whatsoever with non BPD partners? -- (like accepting cheating for example)

i dont understand where so much power from them over us comes from

[emancipated]

My response to why they have so much power is when they mirror you and idealize you .it makes u remember other relationships where your wants... needs... and desires were not taken as seriously and the borderline knew this and made it seem perfect. For example my non BPD ex wife wasn't very open sexually and found my bodybuilding to be very boring and uninteresting and a waste of time.the borderline wanted to know everything about it including supplements ... exercises and seemed to show genuine interest. And of course as they are known the sex was earth shatteringly amazing never said no and anything I wanted to do as often as I wanted . and in my experience had never had that before and led to for while be more apt to dismiss what would have been deal breaking behavior in the past.

[bungenstein]

how can the border have so much power of manipulation, where they can make you act in complete contradiction to your most fundamental beliefs and values, in a way where you never let yourself act that way before - with any relationships whatsoever with non BPD partners? -- (like accepting cheating for example)

i dont understand where so much power from them over us comes from

jflc, what we exprienced being with an abuser is something called the trauma bond:

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Our exes created chemical imbalances in our brain through the push/pull behaviour of extreme idealisation followed swiftly with devaluation and abuse, it creates an addiction and a withdrawal inside for us, and this is why we accept unacceptable behaviour. We are literally drug addicts and now we are crashing, its very hard, learn about trauma bonding and you will get a much better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Take care, you will recover.

[jflc]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

[bungenstein]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

Its a learned way of getting their partners quickly attracted and addicted to them.

My ex was also pretty much a michellin star chef, she didn't seem to enjoy cooking, I'm pretty sure it was another way of trying to keep me addicted.

[Raybo48]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

I've never read where they are known to be good sexually, and I've read a ton of material on BPD. Now where you may be confusing it is they have been known to be hypersexual, but that doesn't mean they are awesome in bed.

[bungenstein]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

I've never read where they are known to be good sexually, and I've read a ton of material on BPD. Now where you may be confusing it is they have been known to be hypersexual, but that doesn't mean they are awesome in bed.

Actually you have a point, my ex after a few drinks would turn into a porn star, and would often freak me out because just behaved ridiculous, it seemed like an act.

Or, she would be incredibly shy, she just wanted to please me and didn't care about me pleasing her, and sometimes burst into tears after sex.

Either way, there was no real intimacy in it, I explained that sex for me is about an emotional connection, thats what makes it amazing, she didn't understand.

[Raybo48]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

I've never read where they are known to be good sexually, and I've read a ton of material on BPD. Now where you may be confusing it is they have been known to be hypersexual, but that doesn't mean they are awesome in bed.

Actually you have a point, my ex after a few drinks would turn into a porn star, and would often freak me out because just behaved ridiculous, it seemed like an act.

Or, she would be incredibly shy, she just wanted to please me and didn't care about me pleasing her, and sometimes burst into tears after sex.

Either way, there was no real intimacy in it, I explained that sex for me is about an emotional connection, thats what makes it amazing, she didn't understand.

Excellent point,  same with me.  She seemed to be going through the motions and there was no emotional connection, which has always been very important for me no matter who I was with.   There was always an end game when it came to sex with her.   A few days later, a week... She would use the event as something she did for me and now look how horrible I am right now that I showed up 5 minutes late to her house, or I wasn't able to come on that particular day to see her, or I didn't offer to buy her something when we were out.   It goes back to my point about everything being conditional with them... I'd love to hear from any member where they could site an example of something 'unconditional' they received from their BPDx in any form... Love, sex, a gesture... .It just doesn't happen.

[Deeno02]

Funny, I remember when at the very end in the gym, when she was raging, one of the things she spewed was "you blame your sex problems on me". ? We never had a sex problem unless you count trying to bust one out with 5 freakin kids running around the house. There was a time when they changed my blood pressure medicine and I was sick a couple days, but we weren't planning anything anyway. I dont know why she said that other than to demean me on something that never happened. What the heck... .

[bungenstein]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

I've never read where they are known to be good sexually, and I've read a ton of material on BPD. Now where you may be confusing it is they have been known to be hypersexual, but that doesn't mean they are awesome in bed.

Actually you have a point, my ex after a few drinks would turn into a porn star, and would often freak me out because just behaved ridiculous, it seemed like an act.

Or, she would be incredibly shy, she just wanted to please me and didn't care about me pleasing her, and sometimes burst into tears after sex.

Either way, there was no real intimacy in it, I explained that sex for me is about an emotional connection, thats what makes it amazing, she didn't understand.

Excellent point,  same with me.  She seemed to be going through the motions and there was no emotional connection, which has always been very important for me no matter who I was with.   There was always an end game when it came to sex with her.   A few days later, a week... She would use the event as something she did for me and now look how horrible I am right now that I showed up 5 minutes late to her house, or I wasn't able to come on that particular day to see her, or I didn't offer to buy her something when we were out.   It goes back to my point about everything being conditional with them... I'd love to hear from any member where they could site an example of something 'unconditional' they received from their BPDx in any form... Love, sex, a gesture... .It just doesn't happen.

Yeh it was always "I do a, b, c, and d, what you do for me?"

Its comments like that that made me start backing away (amongst a million other things obviously)

One comment in particular that made me skin crawl which she said a few times was, "what am I actually getting out of this relationship?"

Like a relationship is some kind of trade of goods, not loving another person.

[peiper]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

I've never read where they are known to be good sexually, and I've read a ton of material on BPD. Now where you may be confusing it is they have been known to be hypersexual, but that doesn't mean they are awesome in bed.

Actually you have a point, my ex after a few drinks would turn into a porn star, and would often freak me out because just behaved ridiculous, it seemed like an act.

Or, she would be incredibly shy, she just wanted to please me and didn't care about me pleasing her, and sometimes burst into tears after sex.

Either way, there was no real intimacy in it, I explained that sex for me is about an emotional connection, thats what makes it amazing, she didn't understand.

Excellent point,  same with me.  She seemed to be going through the motions and there was no emotional connection, which has always been very important for me no matter who I was with.   There was always an end game when it came to sex with her.   A few days later, a week... She would use the event as something she did for me and now look how horrible I am right now that I showed up 5 minutes late to her house, or I wasn't able to come on that particular day to see her, or I didn't offer to buy her something when we were out.   It goes back to my point about everything being conditional with them... I'd love to hear from any member where they could site an example of something 'unconditional' they received from their BPDx in any form... Love, sex, a gesture... .It just doesn't happen.

Never a thing. It was always about her. Without a doubt the most one way relationship I've ever been in. I'm really mad at myself for putting up with it for as long as I did.

[Deeno02]

wow... its like i entered a rabbit hole a few days ago and im in a new dimension reading all of this... and whats worst about it is it all makes 101% sense... im devastated...

are they really known for being good sexually? why is that? my ex was incredible...

but rationally, why are they known to be good sexually?

I've never read where they are known to be good sexually, and I've read a ton of material on BPD. Now where you may be confusing it is they have been known to be hypersexual, but that doesn't mean they are awesome in bed.

Actually you have a point, my ex after a few drinks would turn into a porn star, and would often freak me out because just behaved ridiculous, it seemed like an act.

Or, she would be incredibly shy, she just wanted to please me and didn't care about me pleasing her, and sometimes burst into tears after sex.

Either way, there was no real intimacy in it, I explained that sex for me is about an emotional connection, thats what makes it amazing, she didn't understand.

Excellent point,  same with me.  She seemed to be going through the motions and there was no emotional connection, which has always been very important for me no matter who I was with.   There was always an end game when it came to sex with her.   A few days later, a week... She would use the event as something she did for me and now look how horrible I am right now that I showed up 5 minutes late to her house, or I wasn't able to come on that particular day to see her, or I didn't offer to buy her something when we were out.   It goes back to my point about everything being conditional with them... I'd love to hear from any member where they could site an example of something 'unconditional' they received from their BPDx in any form... Love, sex, a gesture... .It just doesn't happen.

Never a thing. It was always about her. Without a doubt the most one way relationship I've ever been in. I'm really mad at myself for putting up with it for as long as I did.

Ditto, so fu*king demanding. Nothing about me or my needs.

[Infared]

seriously this doesnt seem real... i was manipulated something i never dreamed existed... how is this even possible... how was i so easily fooled? and why do i feel like i love her so much? how did she get me to have such strong feelings for her? why do i think she was the person i loved the most in my life?

seriously im so confused right now this seems like a work of fiction or something... everything with her seemed so real...

how can i let go of these feelings? how can i forget her? i really need ur help guys...

I was in your shoes.  Initially I was just shell-shocked... .bewildered, confused. I would consider myself extremely sensitive and my pain was great. She ran off a week before Christmas and left me in our home, feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas tree by myself. She said there was no one else... .

I will agree with what someone said above, Do not believe a WORD she says. Mine was a pathological liar. I had to look directly at her actions to see the truth. Very difficult when you love someone soo much. I was totally devastated. I could not cope. My depression became so great at the loss that I became suicidal.

I got a good therapist to find out how I ended up there... .and got in a self help group where I could process the insanity that had become my life.

You can get through this... .but look elsewhere for support, not to her. Mine was absolutely a selfish, cold, dishonest manipulative sociopath. Could "fool" everyone. I was dealing with an extremely sick person. The only thing that was healthy for me was ABSOLUTE no contact... .and a huge effort at healing myself from the emotional pain I was suffering. I needed to take care of me ( as much as that confused me), and I needed no more lies and abuse from her.

I had a very painful life choice/struggle. It was serious stuff.

Take care of YOU. They will not... .there is only harm there.