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Author Topic: What keeps us bound to BPD?  (Read 446 times)
CareTaker
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« on: November 27, 2014, 05:28:37 AM »

Excerpt
So I'm wondering how many of us, and I'm including the ladies here, put up with aggressive or outright violent behavior because we came from violent homes?

As I said on a previous thread, this is a very interesting subject.

I have been in some very loving relationships in my life, and also spent 10 of the best years with my ex wife. All very normal and committed relationships. That got me thinking as to why I spent 3 years in a dysfunctional relationship. What confuses even more is I knew better. So why hang on?

In her book Codependancy no More, Melody Beattie suggests people who stay in abusive relationships, and also relationships with people with addictions, like alcohol, should look at their childhood. The mistake is there. Whether an abusive childhood, or even a lack of love.

Now, until about a month ago I always told people I grew up in a very stable home. I got the best upbringing. Yet I was wrong. You see, I grew up with very religious parents. Nothing wrong with that. BUT, there was no love. No noticeable abuse either. To explain simply, we where 5 friends (mom, dad and 3 kids) who shared the same house. Never had a hug or kiss from either my parents. Till this day. The only time I ever held my dads hand, was while he was lying on his death bed.

So that was the fault. I became codependant, without me knowing it. Looking back now, I can point it out throughout my life. Yet it never affected me in a very harmful way.

Ten years ago I felt I had to take care of my aging parents, and got them to live with me. That ruined my marriage, but I felt it was my duty towards my parents. And I was wrong.

After my dad passed away, I spent 4 years at home, taking care of my mother. Once again, I felt it my duty. In a total moment of helplessness, I fell for someone I met on the internet. I dated quite a few woman at that time, but this one filled my loneliness and that is what I needed at the time.

I am thankful for our time together. I am sad that I wasted so much time on someone I wouldn't notice walking down the street. She just in not my type. Not in any way. Yet she filled a gap in me, at a very vulnerable time. And I got addicted to it. And stayed addicted till the bit of sense I still had in me, dragged me from her flat and eventually set me free again.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2014, 05:55:23 AM »

I am thankful for our time together. I am sad that I wasted so much time on someone I wouldn't notice walking down the street. She just in not my type. Not in any way. Yet she filled a gap in me, at a very vulnerable time. And I got addicted to it. And stayed addicted till the bit of sense I still had in me, dragged me from her flat and eventually set me free again.

I as well looked in my childhood and wondered , I recall having a loving family and great mom and a wonderful dad that I took care of him in my late teens for almost two years, he was sick then died the night before he died he held my hand like saying take care and he passed away the next day .My mom never remarried and still alive loving as she can be .

I went through divorce from my first wife and had a son, after two years I met my exBPD , just like you caretaker met her on line at the time I was vulnerable .

I believe There is a reason why that happened I don't know why that timing but I ask the question what is the lesson I needed to learn from this horrible experience . I really don't think I needed to learn anything as I am happy with who I am ? 

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Take2
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« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2014, 06:09:26 AM »

I too struggle with the whole notion that it had to be something from our childhood that caused me to become so addicted to my r/s with my ex.  I grew up in a very loving, supportive household.  I was never abused.  I was never not shown tremendous love.  I am sure my parents made their own mistakes along the way as every human being does.  I know my mom wound up being mentally ill but honestly as I grew up, she didn't behave that way at all. 

Maybe Melonie Beatty is right about the answer being in our childhood, but I have yet to figure out what it could be.  I am reading Facing Love Addiction... .  and I see myself in the words... .but no idea why... .  will keep reading, will keep working on it... .  I've found a new therapist... .one who worked with both Patrick Carnes and Pia Melody.  He's a sex and love addiction therapist.  And I think I found the right therapist.  I felt that my last one didn't understand what I was going thru.  But I think I was too focused on my ex.  Now, it's only about ME.  MY addiction.  It's MY issue that I stayed.  No idea why... .  but for some reason I did absolutely become addicted... .   and I'm moving on... .  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Happy Thanksgiving!
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Blimblam
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« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2014, 06:39:31 AM »

While often we have a childhood connection to why it is not always necessarily so.

I can relate to finding childhood traumas in connection but it wasn't purely that.

I was at the time in a vulnerable place having recently been seriously injured. This sort of power over me as injured and nursing me was highly attractive to her. The level of her compassion and the way she looked at me. She just treated me amazingly and she was so thoughtful towards strangers.

But here is Carl jungs brief explanation on it.

Carl Jung the feminin archetype

www.youtu.be/m12soJiCPcc

Beyond that there is also the truama bonding. Truama bonds are extremely powerfull.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2014, 07:30:16 AM »

I just found this explanation of trauma bounds

Hi everyone  Welcome!

I found this on intensity versus intimacy on a thread recommended by 2010. I found it helpful. Hope you do too.

"A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense relationship/bond.


Some signs of a trauma bond:

.When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)

.When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.

.When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.

.When you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive.

.When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.

.When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.

.When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.

.When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.

.When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.

.When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.

.When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.

.When you are attached to untrustworthy people.

.When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.

.When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.


"The brain pathways actually change due to the intermittent re-inforcement of good times mixed in with periods of trauma. It's the hardest type of behaviour for the brain to stop, hence the " trauma repetition behavior.

It's one reason why a "no contact" period is so helpful, it allows the brain to heal - and then our hearts."  Skip
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anxiety5
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« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2014, 09:37:38 AM »

Excerpt
So I'm wondering how many of us, and I'm including the ladies here, put up with aggressive or outright violent behavior because we came from violent homes?

As I said on a previous thread, this is a very interesting subject.

I have been in some very loving relationships in my life, and also spent 10 of the best years with my ex wife. All very normal and committed relationships. That got me thinking as to why I spent 3 years in a dysfunctional relationship. What confuses even more is I knew better. So why hang on?

In her book Codependancy no More, Melody Beattie suggests people who stay in abusive relationships, and also relationships with people with addictions, like alcohol, should look at their childhood. The mistake is there. Whether an abusive childhood, or even a lack of love.

Now, until about a month ago I always told people I grew up in a very stable home. I got the best upbringing. Yet I was wrong. You see, I grew up with very religious parents. Nothing wrong with that. BUT, there was no love. No noticeable abuse either. To explain simply, we where 5 friends (mom, dad and 3 kids) who shared the same house. Never had a hug or kiss from either my parents. Till this day. The only time I ever held my dads hand, was while he was lying on his death bed.

So that was the fault. I became codependant, without me knowing it. Looking back now, I can point it out throughout my life. Yet it never affected me in a very harmful way.

Ten years ago I felt I had to take care of my aging parents, and got them to live with me. That ruined my marriage, but I felt it was my duty towards my parents. And I was wrong.

After my dad passed away, I spent 4 years at home, taking care of my mother. Once again, I felt it my duty. In a total moment of helplessness, I fell for someone I met on the internet. I dated quite a few woman at that time, but this one filled my loneliness and that is what I needed at the time.

I am thankful for our time together. I am sad that I wasted so much time on someone I wouldn't notice walking down the street. She just in not my type. Not in any way. Yet she filled a gap in me, at a very vulnerable time. And I got addicted to it. And stayed addicted till the bit of sense I still had in me, dragged me from her flat and eventually set me free again.

I believe in God. I know that now days, that's becoming less common. I have codependent traits as well. Despite what you said here about being wrong, I think there is a special place in heaven for anyone with as much compassion as you had for your parents. I understand the fact that you had an obligation to your marriage, and that's probably what your therapist said. There are times for psycho babble and times where I don't think it's applicable. If my significant other had her parents sick, I may be annoyed with the time, energy, and change in dynamic of our relationship but I can honestly tell you I would see it through. I think you were a wonderful son and we can call it codependent all we want, but you were a compassionate person who took care of your parents when they needed you the most. Even if they did not do that for you as a child, to me that's just a sign that you broke that cycle and offered in their time of need, the ULTIMATE sign of forgiveness, by giving someone the very thing they denied you. I think that's heroic, I think that's powerful and I think that your parents were incredibly lucky to have you. There may be a host of other ways you need to make changes, or were not perfect, but when it comes to this portion of it, I think there is a special place in heaven for you, for doing what you did for them.
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2014, 09:43:38 AM »

Now, until about a month ago I always told people I grew up in a very stable home. I got the best upbringing. Yet I was wrong. You see, I grew up with very religious parents. Nothing wrong with that. BUT, there was no love. No noticeable abuse either. To explain simply, we where 5 friends (mom, dad and 3 kids) who shared the same house. Never had a hug or kiss from either my parents. Till this day. The only time I ever held my dads hand, was while he was lying on his death bed.

Ten years ago I felt I had to take care of my aging parents, and got them to live with me. That ruined my marriage, but I felt it was my duty towards my parents. And I was wrong. After my dad passed away, I spent 4 years at home, taking care of my mother. Once again, I felt it my duty. In a total moment of helplessness, I fell for someone I met on the internet. I dated quite a few woman at that time, but this one filled my loneliness and that is what I needed at the time.

I am thankful for our time together. I am sad that I wasted so much time on someone I wouldn't notice walking down the street. She just in not my type. Not in any way. Yet she filled a gap in me, at a very vulnerable time. And I got addicted to it. And stayed addicted till the bit of sense I still had in me, dragged me from her flat and eventually set me free again.

Good morning, and happy Thanksgiving here in the US.  I certainly am thankful for my BPD Family brothers and sisters.  CareTaker--I read your post this morning, and had to do a double take, because it sounded as if I wrote it.

My parents too were VERY religious, but honestly, it was like one of many addictions they adopted over the course of my life.  They say (and so does Melody Beattie) there is a very real tendency to swap one addiction for another.  My parents were addicted to each other (trauma bond); my mother was almost hopelessly addicted to nicotine and to shopping; my father was a workaholic; I often felt they loved and cared for their animals and friends and work colleagues and business trips more than they did for me.  My mother had a VERY unhealthy relationship with my older brother (no sexual abuse, but another trauma bond). So, where did that leave my sister and me?

On the outside, we were the PERFECT family.  Even I believed that most of my life until my body told me otherwise (many unexplained illnesses were experienced by all five members of my family).  Eventually, when the foundation looked as if it might crack (older sister demonstrating BPD traits and self medicating with drugs and alcohol, older brother outed as gay, mother taking Valium to keep it together, and father raging constantly in what looked like a mid-life crisis; I, THE PERFECT CHILD, became the "care taker" of all.

In the meantime, the swapping of addictions, became a rather sudden switch to a very fundamentalist church "Hell fire and brimstone."  My sister detoxing from drugs had become a "Jesus Freak" and had "proselytized" the family to became members of a very different church.  Eventually, I was completely lost in the fervor of their new found religion.  I even was forced to change schools, because my sister convinced all that I too would walk down the path of unrighteousness if I continued in the public school system.

So, how did that make me vulnerable to exbfBPD?  I bolded the sections of your initial post, as they are identical to my situation:  I was lonely (divorced after a nearly 25 year marriage); I needed help (that was my bf's call lure, "I want to help you." I had just ended my first post-divorce relationship; and I had spent years nursing both of my parents who had passed, and I had handled all of their estate issues to the satisfaction of older brother and sister. 

Other circumstances as well, but CareTaker, no doubt you're onto something here.

PwBPD can smell need and vulnerability from miles away.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2014, 09:45:51 AM »

I just found this explanation of trauma bounds

Hi everyone  Welcome!

I found this on intensity versus intimacy on a thread recommended by 2010. I found it helpful. Hope you do too.

"A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense relationship/bond.


Some signs of a trauma bond:

.When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)

.When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.

.When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.

.When you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive.

.When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.

.When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.

.When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.

.When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.

.When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.

.When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.

.When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.

.When you are attached to untrustworthy people.

.When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.

.When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.


"The brain pathways actually change due to the intermittent re-inforcement of good times mixed in with periods of trauma. It's the hardest type of behaviour for the brain to stop, hence the " trauma repetition behavior.

It's one reason why a "no contact" period is so helpful, it allows the brain to heal - and then our hearts."  Skip

Thank you for posting this. It's incredibly insightful. I can say without hesitation this was me. I was cheated on in a previous relationship. When we were first getting to know each other after a few weeks the "talk" about our ex's came up. I told her I was cheated on and had a difficult time working through it and how it wrecked our relationship. She turned to me and said, you should figure out why you stayed with someone like that, that's horrible. Would you believe that 3 months later I caught this person cheating on me? I was numb. I was angry. I just left. A few days later she shows up at my house and takes complete physical advantage of me in a time I couldn't even think clearly and proceeds to have the most intensive constant sexual advances towards me for the next week or two. My head was on a swivel. By the time I regained my bearings, it was like waking up from a dream, realizing how hurt I was, how lost I was, but then looking over and realizing this person is laying on the couch with me telling me she loves me.

From there, it initiated this frantic clinging, anxious side of me. Fearing constantly she was going to do something behind my back, but never presenting it as anger, instead manifesting it as giving up 100% of my time, my needs, my wants, and everything I had in me, to somehow win her over to a point she wouldn't do it again.

I was definitely "trauma bound" And what's more, she did it instinctively. Sick.

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CareTaker
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« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2014, 09:47:18 AM »

Excerpt
I believe in God. I know that now days, that's becoming less common. I have codependent traits as well. Despite what you said here about being wrong, I think there is a special place in heaven for anyone with as much compassion as you had for your parents. I understand the fact that you had an obligation to your marriage, and that's probably what your therapist said. There are times for psycho babble and times where I don't think it's applicable. If my significant other had her parents sick, I may be annoyed with the time, energy, and change in dynamic of our relationship but I can honestly tell you I would see it through. I think you were a wonderful son and we can call it codependent all we want, but you were a compassionate person who took care of your parents when they needed you the most. Even if they did not do that for you as a child, to me that's just a sign that you broke that cycle and offered in their time of need, the ULTIMATE sign of forgiveness, by giving someone the very thing they denied you. I think that's heroic, I think that's powerful and I think that your parents were incredibly lucky to have you. There may be a host of other ways you need to make changes, or were not perfect, but when it comes to this portion of it, I think there is a special place in heaven for you, for doing what you did for them.

wow, I seldomly cry, maybe one of my weaknesses. But I think I must tell you the tears are running down my face. Thank you and God bless.
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CareTaker
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« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2014, 09:54:06 AM »

Excerpt
On the outside, we were the PERFECT family.

Yip loveofhislife, I think the problem with me, I was the oldest of the 3. So they had all their hope in me, but they did it the wrong way round. And the more they tried, the more I tried to get a message across. But they where only interested in their own agenda for me.

I am not saying childhood is the only place to develop codependancy, nor am I saying that it is a given that all attracted to BPD are codependants, but it seems to be a common pattern.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2014, 10:02:12 AM »

Excerpt
I believe in God. I know that now days, that's becoming less common. I have codependent traits as well. Despite what you said here about being wrong, I think there is a special place in heaven for anyone with as much compassion as you had for your parents. I understand the fact that you had an obligation to your marriage, and that's probably what your therapist said. There are times for psycho babble and times where I don't think it's applicable. If my significant other had her parents sick, I may be annoyed with the time, energy, and change in dynamic of our relationship but I can honestly tell you I would see it through. I think you were a wonderful son and we can call it codependent all we want, but you were a compassionate person who took care of your parents when they needed you the most. Even if they did not do that for you as a child, to me that's just a sign that you broke that cycle and offered in their time of need, the ULTIMATE sign of forgiveness, by giving someone the very thing they denied you. I think that's heroic, I think that's powerful and I think that your parents were incredibly lucky to have you. There may be a host of other ways you need to make changes, or were not perfect, but when it comes to this portion of it, I think there is a special place in heaven for you, for doing what you did for them.

wow, I seldomly cry, maybe one of my weaknesses. But I think I must tell you the tears are running down my face. Thank you and God bless.

Happy Thanksgiving my friend. Be good to yourself.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2014, 10:26:23 AM »

Excerpt
I believe in God. I know that now days, that's becoming less common. I have codependent traits as well. Despite what you said here about being wrong, I think there is a special place in heaven for anyone with as much compassion as you had for your parents. I understand the fact that you had an obligation to your marriage, and that's probably what your therapist said. There are times for psycho babble and times where I don't think it's applicable. If my significant other had her parents sick, I may be annoyed with the time, energy, and change in dynamic of our relationship but I can honestly tell you I would see it through. I think you were a wonderful son and we can call it codependent all we want, but you were a compassionate person who took care of your parents when they needed you the most. Even if they did not do that for you as a child, to me that's just a sign that you broke that cycle and offered in their time of need, the ULTIMATE sign of forgiveness, by giving someone the very thing they denied you. I think that's heroic, I think that's powerful and I think that your parents were incredibly lucky to have you. There may be a host of other ways you need to make changes, or were not perfect, but when it comes to this portion of it, I think there is a special place in heaven for you, for doing what you did for them.

wow, I seldomly cry, maybe one of my weaknesses. But I think I must tell you the tears are running down my face. Thank you and God bless.

thank you
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maternal
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« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2014, 04:25:23 PM »

Conditioning.  If you were subject to as much push/pull as I was, then your brain associates the push with the ever present return, which was always such a nice, pleasant, loving time.  The push always sucked, but it was always followed by the pull, and the pull was awesome.  The wiring in our brain has actually changed, we're like Pavlov's Dogs, salivating at the opening of the door now, not just at the introduction of food.  We're salivating at the return, because we've been conditioned to associate the push with the pull.  We've learned this behavior and we can unlearn it.

Addiction.  That pedestal is damn nice.  I like the pedestal.  I want more of the pedestal, and I was willing to stick by through all of the horrible bullsh!t to be on that pedestal again.

Water seeks its own level.  Until we see that we are on the same emotional level as them and work to "fix" that within ourselves, we will always be subject to entering these types of relationships.  Whatever the origin of our emotional level, we have the power to change it.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2014, 05:19:58 PM »

Conditioning.  If you were subject to as much push/pull as I was, then your brain associates the push with the ever present return, which was always such a nice, pleasant, loving time.  The push always sucked, but it was always followed by the pull, and the pull was awesome.  The wiring in our brain has actually changed, we're like Pavlov's Dogs, salivating at the opening of the door now, not just at the introduction of food.  We're salivating at the return, because we've been conditioned to associate the push with the pull.  We've learned this behavior and we can unlearn it.

Addiction.  That pedestal is damn nice.  I like the pedestal.  I want more of the pedestal, and I was willing to stick by through all of the horrible bullsh!t to be on that pedestal again.

Water seeks its own level.  Until we see that we are on the same emotional level as them and work to "fix" that within ourselves, we will always be subject to entering these types of relationships.  Whatever the origin of our emotional level, we have the power to change it.

What would you suggest focusing on to improve/fix our emotional levels? I know that's a complex question because each person is in a different circumstance, but what type of questions must one ask themselves to even begin to dig into the reason's why we got caught up in these relationships? Sometimes, I feel as if the wreckage is so extensive after these relationships, it's like being in a landfill and picking up a discarded single piece of trash. The mess seems so infinite and daunting, it's unclear where to even begin to clean it all up.
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maternal
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« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2014, 06:17:16 PM »

anxiety5,

I am no professional, but I think that a hugely important thing that we have to ask ourselves is "what did I get from this person that I am not able to give to myself?" That question can lead to a why, which can lead to the resolution if we're willing to put in that work.

The destruction our partners gave us is our chance at rebirth.
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Sandman1881
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« Reply #15 on: November 28, 2014, 08:29:18 PM »

Core trauma stemming from abuse and neglect during childhood. That's what it was for me. That and her magic box.
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maternal
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« Reply #16 on: November 28, 2014, 08:55:32 PM »

Core trauma stemming from abuse and neglect during childhood. That's what it was for me. That and her magic box.

So then a good next question for you is:  "how do I resolve this within myself so that I don't repeat this pattern?"  And that's just a suggestion, I am not a professional.  But it's a question that I have and am answering myself as I refuse to go down that particular road ever again.  Seek whatever help you need.

Magic boxes aren't uncommon at all.  Don't attach yourself too much that particular one or you might miss an even better one... .
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Sandman1881
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« Reply #17 on: November 28, 2014, 09:35:49 PM »

I just found this explanation of trauma bounds

Hi everyone  Welcome!

I found this on intensity versus intimacy on a thread recommended by 2010. I found it helpful. Hope you do too.

"A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense relationship/bond.


Some signs of a trauma bond:

.When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)

.When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.

.When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.

.When you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive.

.When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.

.When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.

.When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.

.When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.

.When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.

.When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.

.When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.

.When you are attached to untrustworthy people.

.When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.

.When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.


"The brain pathways actually change due to the intermittent re-inforcement of good times mixed in with periods of trauma. It's the hardest type of behaviour for the brain to stop, hence the " trauma repetition behavior.

It's one reason why a "no contact" period is so helpful, it allows the brain to heal - and then our hearts."  Skip

WOW! Thanks. I'm afraid to look back at that list.
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CareTaker
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« Reply #18 on: November 28, 2014, 11:47:01 PM »

Excerpt
What would you suggest focusing on to improve/fix our emotional levels? I know that's a complex question because each person is in a different circumstance, but what type of questions must one ask themselves to even begin to dig into the reason's why we got caught up in these relationships?

Anxiety5 strangely enough, that through out my life, co-dependency never really played a big part. I had very close relationships in stable conditions. I was with my ex wife for 10 years and the emotional bond between us was so special.

When I decided to move my parents into my house, things fell apart. Now I know my dad had a very serious disorder. Me and the ex wife sat down and chatted about the situation like adults. She explained she cannot live with them, and I felt my obligation toward my parents. Therefore I divorced her, and set her free. Sure I went through a mourning process, but no serious withdrawal symptoms. The 10 years I spent taking care of my parents, triggered the co-dependency again. By the time I met the BPD, I was the perfect victim just waiting to be taken advantage of. And she new exactly how to use and abuse me.

This worried me and I have been reading up on co-dependency. Obviously we don't want this cycle to repeat. Although more related to alcohol, in her book: Co-dependency no More, Melody Beattie explains the reason why we find it hard to let go. She also gives advice on overcoming co-dependency.

What is interesting is that co-dependents don't only get attracted to BPD. They get attracted to ANY one with a disorder or addiction. Many BPD have addictions. Some not. So it is quite a complex issue. But I found this book valuable, simply because I do not want to go that route again. I now realize I have to watch who I get attracted to.

I got the audible version from Amazon. I strongly suggest it.
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Sandman1881
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 106



« Reply #19 on: November 29, 2014, 12:19:41 AM »

Core trauma stemming from abuse and neglect during childhood. That's what it was for me. That and her magic box.

So then a good next question for you is:  "how do I resolve this within myself so that I don't repeat this pattern?"  And that's just a suggestion, I am not a professional.  But it's a question that I have and am answering myself as I refuse to go down that particular road ever again.  Seek whatever help you need.

Magic boxes aren't uncommon at all.  Don't attach yourself too much that particular one or you might miss an even better one... .

I resolve this by doing some good old fashion soul-searching. And that is exactly what I'm doing right this very moment. That and by continuing to express myself through writing about my experiences in an attempt to help someone else recover from these relationship nightmares. During my relationship I found myself having to stuff my true feeling in a box so I wouldn't disturb my precious. Once they've gone cold for us the game is over. That's no way to experience life and, although I want more than anything to {hate}, my feeling of empathy and compassions overwhelm my desire to do so. Give love and you'll receive love. It just that the opposite is true for our BPD's. With them we have to eat ___ and die.
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