Horrible Breakup, destroying me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, This is my first post here. I was notified by my counselor that my ex girlfriend of two years most likely has BPD. This website has been a huge help in explaining her behavior and why it is so difficult to separate myself from her. She has already met someone new (one month after we broke up) and it has really shattered me as I loved and still love this person. Since breaking up however she has said some of the meanest most uncalled for things about be that I could ever imagine, picking at my deepest insecurities. My issue is we are still talking, she claims she wants to be friends but I do no know if this is good for me. No closure or progress is ever made and the conversation always escalates unless I accept 100% of the blame for our relationship not working. I am just wondering what steps I should take to help myself and whether or not I should tell her that she may have BPD. As a result of this situation I have also developed depression and anxiety and my day to day life, especially having to see her with her new "boyfriend" has become a nightmare. Any advice or help would be much appreciated.

-Dan

[westdawk2036]

Hi, This is my first post here. I was notified by my counselor that my ex girlfriend of two years most likely has BPD. This website has been a huge help in explaining her behavior and why it is so difficult to separate myself from her. She has already met someone new (one month after we broke up) and it has really shattered me as I loved and still love this person. Since breaking up however she has said some of the meanest most uncalled for things about be that I could ever imagine, picking at my deepest insecurities. My issue is we are still talking, she claims she wants to be friends but I do no know if this is good for me. No closure or progress is ever made and the conversation always escalates unless I accept 100% of the blame for our relationship not working. I am just wondering what steps I should take to help myself and whether or not I should tell her that she may have BPD. As a result of this situation I have also developed depression and anxiety and my day to day life, especially having to see her with her new "boyfriend" has become a nightmare. Any advice or help would be much appreciated.

-Dan

[BrokenFamily]

I'm sure you've read some things here to help and seeing a therapist is a great move towards recovery! The best advice I can give you in dealing with a BPD ex or friend would be:

Don't take things personally, they are hurting either consciously or subconsciously and will hurt you so you'll feel their pain. I'be seen my ex do it to her family members best friends and even me.

Don't react, it takes two to tango and if you remain clam while they are throwing a temper tantrum they eventually see they have a problem and have no choice but to resort to other ways to communicate. Say you can see they are upset and want to talk about it but can't when your screaming. Also if you do react in a negative way they will later use it against you and blame you for the fight they provoked.

There's a bunch of other resources on this page that can teach you about validation and boundaries.

To answer your question, I wouldn't recommend trying to maintain a relationship or friendship with anyone with BPD unless they are being honest about their problem and seeking help.

[westdawk2036]

Unfortunately she is unaware of her BPD and I do not want to make her aware as I am scared of the repercussions. I realize I probably need to cut her off and have been seeking closure for a month now but that will never happen. When she reaches out to me it is only to hurt me and blame me. I am not on Zoloft and Ativan to manage my depression and anxiety that resulted from the loss of this woman who meant so much to me but who has hurt me so much. I only wish I was aware of BPD before I lost her. Now she is with someone else and I am forced to see them together almost daily. I do not know how I should go about cutting off the communication. This person was my best friend and lover and now seems to hate me... .where do I go from here. Thank you for your response.

[Raybo48]

Great advice from BrokenFamily.  

I'd take a step back from her and work on healing yourself.  Right now all your emotions are so raw it's hard to rationalize anything.  If you feel NC is best for you then take that route.  Also, ask yourself would you be friends with a person who devalues you and can replace you so easily?  It's your call, but that doesn't sound like much of a friend.

[westdawk2036]

I can't rationalize it like that right now, too much emotions involved. It was a two year relationship, longest i've ever had by far. What is NC btw?

[Raybo48]

Unfortunately she is unaware of her BPD and I do not want to make her aware as I am scared of the repercussions. I realize I probably need to cut her off and have been seeking closure for a month now but that will never happen. When she reaches out to me it is only to hurt me and blame me. I am not on Zoloft and Ativan to manage my depression and anxiety that resulted from the loss of this woman who meant so much to me but who has hurt me so much. I only wish I was aware of BPD before I lost her. Now she is with someone else and I am forced to see them together almost daily. I do not know how I should go about cutting off the communication. This person was my best friend and lover and now seems to hate me... .where do I go from here. Thank you for your response.

If you are out of the relationship why do you feel it's up to you to tell her she has BPD?  Yes, there could be repercussions because you don't know how she will react.  My BPDxgf got very hostile when I informed her on a few occasions that I thought she had the disorder and she became very vindictive.  

[Raybo48]

I can't rationalize it like that right now, too much emotions involved. It was a two year relationship, longest i've ever had by far. What is NC btw?

no contact...  

[westdawk2036]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left. But your right she will become vindictive and evil, I know it. She is already spreading around her sorority that I am crazy.

[Raybo48]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left. But your right she will become vindictive and evil, I know it. She is already spreading around her sorority that I am crazy.

Everything you have described has happened to me and to many members on here.  You need to be careful on what you say and do if you are out of the relationship.   As much as you'll hate hearing this if she's with someone else it's her business and you can't do anything about it.  When the relationship comes apart like it did us non's have the tendency to act like a Bull in a china shop to try and get things back the way they were.  You need to remember if she has that disorder she thinks completely differently than you do and she'll view your actions totally different than your intent.  

[Raybo48]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left. But your right she will become vindictive and evil, I know it. She is already spreading around her sorority that I am crazy.

Final thought.

Most people with that disorder rarely think they have a problem and even if they go into therapy they don't stay in long enough for it to be effective.  I think it's admirable that you want to help her and it speaks about how you feel about her.  I also have no doubt you have compassion for her and love her, but it's not necessarily your job to enlighten her that she has BPD post-relationship.  

Just my two cents.  

[BrokenFamily]

Everyone has their own way of dealing and it will happen in its own time. No contact, removing pictures and controlling your inner dialogue (thoughts) are very good tools to help. When I start thinking about my ex who's she's with and how abruptly it turned from love to hate i get confused because it makes no sense and understanding it impossible. This page has helped but what has helped the most is once I start thinking about her I change the subject in my mind to something productive that can actually benefit me not something that will prolong my pain. Unfortunately the Eagle's brought me pain this Sunday, I'm assuming your a fan with a name like WestDawk

[walksoftly]

Oh man, you are in the right place. I was in a ten year relationship with my now ex. The divorce was incredibly high in conflict-it was absurd. I was the perfect husband and father and there we were in the courtroom;me, and her and her new man, who she was with for at least a full year when she was with me. They both tried to tell the Judge I was a violent alcoholic and have my daughter taken away from me-it didnt work.

Youll have to move on somehow and oh man it hurts like no other hurt you had before. I can tell you from experience that time heals. Use this time to work on yourself and realize that you are the person with integrity.

[westdawk2036]

Makes sense. I just don't know what do with myself at this point. It feels like the last two years have been all a lie. A waste of my love and full of fake memories and fake affection. How the hell does someone move on after something like this... .

[westdawk2036]

Agreed about the eagles Broken Family. Definitely did not help to have to watch that. As far as stopping the racing thoughts and feelings about her it is very very hard. It has caused me to struggle in school and lose interest in many of the things I used to enjoy. I have considered deleting the pictures but I don't know if I have that in me... .but i'm sure she will delete them herself soon enough. Worst part about BPD is the feeling of being completely replaced and the past being meaningless to her.

[BrokenFamily]

I was with my BPD ex almost 4 years we have a 16 month old daughter together and 90% of the time we were the happiest family you've ever seen. We were so happy that people would say wow want a beautiful family! Like any couple we had the occasional fight but I was loyal loving and kind. Her moods became impossible, she would make accusations about me that even she couldn't believe at times. Example: a bag of salad was missing and I must have had sex with a vegetarian while she was at work. The day before she left she looked me dead in the eyes and said she's never been happier in her life and would love me forever. I went to work the next day with a smile on my face only to get a phone call from her accusing me of not texting her back quickly enough and her finding porn in my browser history. I explained I was busy at work and admitted looking for the celebrity nudes that were leaked and porn popped up and we would talk about it when I got home. I came home her and my daughter were gone. The following day I learned she was in a new relationship with a bag boy from her work, he has is GED he's kind over weight lives with his mommy and has no car. We were civil and actually getting along really well despite the circumstances but when I mentioned she seek help for BPD she exploded and has been hurtful and cruel ever since.

[westdawk2036]

Damn man thats awful. What a truly terrible disorder. My ex before had almost overdosed on pills and this past ex with BPD tried to use suicide on me twice and then went ahead and said that it was my fault they both did that, that I caused it.

[BrokenFamily]

I can live with the breakup, I can deal with the abusive treatment towards me and total disregard for my feelings but what I can't deal with the just errks my soul is that she actually believes our whole relationship was horrible and she was never happy. I sent her a bunch of pictures taken prior to the beak up and showed her just how happy we were and it didn't even phase her.

To respond to your comment; I would suggest you (like me) are attracting these type of girls and maybe you should be more cautious in the future.

If you in Philly we should grab a beer sometime!

[westdawk2036]

Boy do I feel you on that one. She says I made her depressed, that she was unhappy for most of the relationship and that I never cared about her... .I have emails where she's literally ranting about how great I am and how much I care. Its like they completely forget about everything that you and her had before. She has made me out to be such a bad guy at this point we can't even get through a simple couple minute conversation. I remember she got mad at me once for saying I thought decorative fruit at the dining hall were fake when she thought they were real... .Like it didn't even matter to me I just genuinely thought they were fake. That everyday for months... .and i'm the one who ruined the relationship... .

And thanks bro I wish but i'm actually in Rhode Island

[westdawk2036]

and ya I wonder what we're doing to attract these kinds of people... .

[BrokenFamily]

People with BPD are the most sensual, happy go lucky fun people you'll ever meet during the honeymoon period. So it's no wonder we love them.

[westdawk2036]

Tell me about it. That's probably why my ex is already with someone else... .Easy to love when you see that side. The very side that's so hard for me to forget about and let go

[BrokenFamily]

If I didn't' have a 16 month old daughter with my ex she would be nothing but a bad memory. The complications this causes for me as well as my daughter are without end.

Fortunately I'm coming to terms with it and seeing that all the stress and aggravation isn't helping anything or anyone and is ruining every aspect of my life. For my daughter I can no-longer allow that to happen.

[westdawk2036]

I can't imagine having a child with someone with BPD. I really feel for ya man. Your right though your kid is what's important right now, make sure her mothers disorder doesn't ruin her life also. She's living with you or her mother?

[BrokenFamily]

Were doing a shared custody thing where our daughter spends half the week with me and half the week with her, unfortunately my ex sleeps till noon and leaves her mother to take care of our daughter. Its just a matter of time till I get my act together enough so I can seek full custody.

[westdawk2036]

Do it. I can't imagine the kind of damage a BPD person could do to a child. Is it hereditary?

[BrokenFamily]

Her dads been in jail for most of her life, he was abusive to her mom and has serious drug problems. Her mother is a drunk who neglected her as a child and dumped her off with her grandmother most of the time. My ex always said she didn't want to be like her family unfortunately she's following right in her mommy's footsteps.

[westdawk2036]

___ well my ex actually comes from a very nice family so there's no real resson for her to act this way except for the BPD. I'm sure in your exs case that that only made things worse. I'm pulling for ya in the custody battle man, your daughter should not be around that. Stay strong.

[Fluff]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left.

Hmpf. =\ Been there, done that. That last self-sacrificing act doesn't work. Burning bridges with these people might be a good thing, but you will be annoying to her and you will feel you betrayed yourself, again.

She does not deserve your love.

NC. Heal. Get stronger. Roar.

[Fluff]

When the relationship comes apart like it did us non's have the tendency to act like a Bull in a china shop to try and get things back the way they were.  You need to remember if she has that disorder she thinks completely differently than you do and she'll view your actions totally different than your intent.  

[westdawk2036]

Been seeing her around like everywhere. So much hate in her eyes it makes no sense. Really destroys me inside. I remember the good days with her like they were yesterday, we were best friends. Now its like this... .so painful

[westdawk2036]

Any tips from people who went through something similar on how to move on? Right now (as I mentioned above) i'm on meds for depression and anxiety and my day is consumed with thoughts of this person who I loved (and unfortunately still do in a way). I struggle looking at other woman with romantic interest. On top of this I have no idea how to even show romantic interest in someone since I have been in a relationship for two years and I still feel so hurt and confused by that. Anyway just looking to hear stories or advice on how others have dealt with similar situations?

[guy4caligirl]

Any tips from people who went through something similar on how to move on? Right now (as I mentioned above) i'm on meds for depression and anxiety and my day is consumed with thoughts of this person who I loved (and unfortunately still do in a way). I struggle looking at other woman with romantic interest. On top of this I have no idea how to even show romantic interest in someone since I have been in a relationship for two years and I still feel so hurt and confused by that. Anyway just looking to hear stories or advice on how others have dealt with similar situations?

I really feel your pain I am going trough the same emotional state you are in se had destroy  me and I can't do nothing about it she does Not  care  .

[westdawk2036]

Thats the worst part. She doesn't care. Honestly it's almost like loving someone with Alzheimers or dementia. They forget all the good memories, they forget who you are, they just hate you for no reason.

[Raybo48]

Thats the worst part. She doesn't care. Honestly it's almost like loving someone with Alzheimers or dementia. They forget all the good memories, they forget who you are, they just hate you for no reason.

That's why you really need to try your best to focus on you right now.  I know that's very difficult when you are consumed with thoughts of her.  None of it makes any sense really, constantly thinking of someone who discarded us so easily, but we do it.  We all do it at one time or another.   

It's very difficult, but you need to own your part in the relationship.  The enabling part, and the reasons why you stayed with someone who you probably knew a while ago wasn't going to be good for you emotionally especially since the good memories were few and far between compared to the bad.  You knew that but looked the other way because you thought hey, I love her!   Maybe you don't want to hear any of this, but I've been there and I was just as immersed as you, and just as confused, and ended up being just as discarded.   I still struggle daily, but I also realize it wasn't all her.  I knew pretty early on she had something going on with her long before I knew about what  BPD was, but I still stayed. I figured if I tried harder, or just ignored some of the behavior it would go away.  It didn't.   

It's about owning your part, breaking the addiction, and healing. 

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thats the worst part. She doesn't care. Honestly it's almost like loving someone with Alzheimers or dementia. They forget all the good memories, they forget who you are, they just hate you for no reason.

See its the opposite for me right now. She doesnt hate me and acts for the most part like the girl i fell for remembering the good. The thing is all it ever seems to be is im the "funny and light ex who still cares about her". Essentially she thinks im here to make her laugh or im just here to soothe her when shes hurt. I put on this mask because i know she responds to it well. Im at the point though that i cant keep pretending. Its ripping me apart. This isnt being true to me. Im neglecting all of my emotions and its building up to the point where im emotionally a mess again.

What im trying to convey here is either side of the spectrum causes immense pain and suffering. Im really sorry youre going through this. I hear from others it gets better with time. Even though im very skeptical im just hoping theyre right.

[westdawk2036]

Ya I think you have to think about yourself in this case. Although you might think your doing the right thing. seems like your just hurting yourself everytime. I know cause I tried the same thing with my ex. And I really hope it gets better with time. Cause right now I feel like I lost two very important years of my life

[westdawk2036]

Just out of curiousity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

[Raybo48]

Just out of curiousity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

Personally, I deleted all pictures of us and her.  We are no longer FB friends and I don't have any reminders laying around.  That's just me, everyone is different.

[CareTaker]

Just out of curiosity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

Any tips from people who went through something similar on how to move on?

There are a few facts here you have to keep in mind:

Firstly, the woman you met, and had a great time with was a fake personality. The real woman is that toxic b___ that runs you down for trying to do good. The fake personality is the only reason you fell for her, and because of her verbal abuse it has created a chemical imbalance in your brain which made you addicted to her, not in love. These woman will date and/or marry anyone who can constantly live up to their demands. So no matter what she said to you, there was nothing special about your relationship or you as a matter of fact. When this relationship eventually crumbles, she just moves on to the next victim who can supply her demands. So in reality, you just a source of supply. You will notice a set pattern here, most of these woman fall "in love" with the next victim within a couple of days of breaking up with you.

We not like that, we need time to recover. That is normal and you must go through that to "heal your brain." Much like a wound on your arm that is sore and take a while to heal.

This is the reason why I walked out, and never gave my ex that baby she wanted. I realized that any relationship with these woman, would be hell and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

What I did was: I deleted everything. Threw everything she gave or bought me in the bin. Basically I erased 3 years from my life. I was fortunate that an ex from a couple of years ago came back after working overseas. We date occasionally, but nothing serious. Just friends. So now after 2 months of break up I am feeling ok again and really enjoying the company of my (new) friend. We have a great time and things are progressing to the stage where we actually are planning weekends away and a holiday together. But no love-at-first-site type off bull. This is how a normal relationship develops.

If anything, I suggest anyone coming out of one of these relationships must move on as quick as possible. Delete, erase and move on. Forget being friends, unless there are kids involved and then just stick to the basics. You deserve a better life, and also someone who really cares for you. Not one that has a list of unreasonable demands that you can never fulfil. Be sure of the fact that your replacement will not have a wonderful like with your ex. Her demands and verbal abuse will wreck ANY relationship she will ever have.

I want to share this story with you guys. A few years ago a friend of mine suddenly got divorced. Wow, they  where a perfect couple and it came as a shock. Some months later he met and moved in with a new girl. I asked him what makes him think this new relationship is different. His reply: I don't need her money, and she doesn't need mine, we just need each other.

Isn't that where you rather would want to be?

[CareTaker]

Sorry I just realized my last post was directed to woman only. Sorry to all the ladies on here. We know you having the same problems with you ex male partners. I just put the post up from my personal point of view.

[Infared]

Westdawk ...

Your story sounds like all of ours.

The abrupt ending. The new guy. Being painted black and her changing your history to justify her actions.

Please also consider that she was already in the new relationship before she left you. pwBPD can rarely strike out on their own... .They MUST have supply. I thought mine truly loved me, but she turned out to be an expert liar and manipulator. I sussed out that she was with another guy for sometime while she was still living with me (5 yrs). Lied about all of it... .to everyone.  Truly a sociopath. I just kept saying "Are you kidding me" to myself as I slowly opened my eyes and put 2+2 together.  I was dumbfounded and like you ended up in a TON of pain, in therapy... etc. trying to figure out what had happened.  I never will really know.

What I had to do is gather myself up and accept the reality that was her actions, NOT her words. It takes a while to sink in as we are shell-shocked and in pain and disbelief and denial of the reality in front of us.  Once I slowly started to "get" who this person really was I HAD to start taking care of me. NC was an absolute. These people will string you along forever, just for their own enjoyment. Really sick stuff.

I had to get down with the fact that she was not the person that she had presented to me. That was fake. She was/is mentally ill and she does not know this so she is going to do nothing about it, In her world you are the problem. She has a new knight in shining armor and I was just discarded trash. She will come back whenever the fancy strikes her to "poke the trash". The only thing I can figure is that at any given moment it gives her some kind of entertainment value or power or something. Don't know.

I disallowed ANY type of contact. ANY. That includes if she tries to walk up to me in public... .I put my head down and move away... .anywhere that is safe. There is nothing that is healthy there for me, and I just need to protect myself.

I know that you are having a tough time and you are not alone. Things got better when I started loving me... .I was all that I had. I also slowly realized that if I wanted closure I would have to create that on my own. There was nothing on the other side but lies and totally craziness. Tough stuff... .but you can do it.

[Earthbayne]

Just out of curiousity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

It took me a few days, but I deleted all of her pictures from my FB and my phone. I only have one picture of her left and it's framed.

But it's locked away. It makes it easier and more helpful to not keep running into the pictures, by far.

[westdawk2036]

I just feel like deleting the pictures is hiding from the past (no offense) thats why i'm hesitating to do it. Psychologist suggested I don't block her number for the same reason, don't hide from it. Learn to deal with it... .easier said then done however.

Also just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded and shared the stories, really feels good to have other people who went through something similar to talk to and hear from.

[CareTaker]

I just feel like deleting the pictures is hiding from the past (no offense) thats why i'm hesitating to do it. Psychologist suggested I don't block her number for the same reason, don't hide from it. Learn to deal with it... .easier said then done however.

I disagree with your psychologist. I totally erased 3 years of my life. There is nothing about that toxic relationship   I need. There is no good this woman can bring into my life. I don't need her as a friend, as my friends are all great people. I am not running away from anything, and I am not hiding behind anything. I just don't need any reason to have this person in my life. In 3 years she has not added any value to me. Just sucked my life from me with unrealistic demands and constant verbal abuse when I never lived up to her standards. I don't need friends like this. My best friend is my very first girlfriend. She is happily married and I often have supper with her and her husband. So I am not bitter towards my BPDex. I just don't need pics, cell numbers, cheap aftershave and a pair of slippers bought at Half Price Stores from someone who never could return the love I gave. All that mattered in our relationship was HER. No thanks, I deleted everything.

[Raybo48]

Yea, that is interesting that your psychologist would recommend that.  Are they familiar with BPD?  I don't think it's a matter of hiding from anyone, but trying to heal from the toxic nature of the relationship.  It's going to be difficult to do that when there is a very real possibility of hearing from her if she wants to recycle or you are no longer painted black.    It's certainly your call, but I think it's going to be difficult if you don't set some concrete boundaries.

[Rifka]

I disagree with your psychologist as well. Maybe they are not an expert on BPD. Maybe in a normal/non relationship that would be a good suggestion, but many pwBPD are mental and emotional abusers. They get in your head and alter your thought process and you become addicted to them. Non relationships usually end and you move forward, not distroyed to need meds or see a therapist!

I have been out about 3 months. I went complete n/c for my well being, not him! Deleted everything, threw away everything, all notes, love letters, cards, gifts. No anything, I chose to erase everything about our fake, fantasy relationship. I needed to do that for myself, to be able to move forward for myself, to heal myself. I did it with the help of the people here literally teaching me how to use my iPad and phone. I did one thing a day for me. Healing is for us, not them.

I am not making believe it did not happen because the pain in my heart is a strong enough reminder as was my pride in accepting that there was nothing that I or any woman could do to please or make this man complete for more than a few minutes. They are mentally sick. I'm not willing to waste anymore time on him, it's totally about me and fixing me. It's about learning what was wrong with me and why I stayed with a of the red flags waving in my face. Why I believed it was my job to fix, or teach a shattered person to be healthy. It takes time and a lot of self reflecting to look inside yourself, accept your parts of this and stop worrying about them and start turning it on to you.

Yes we all felt that intense bond, but that is addiction we are feeling. Love takes time, it doesn't happen overnight except in fairy tales and in BPDrss which is like a fairytale.

When you are ready, you will have to disconnect to heal, until then you will be on full blow suffering. You can't do anything for her, unless she decides what she wants from you, but why even let her do that to you, why let yourself accept more abuse. She has a new man, she is his problem now!

Love yourself, allow yourself to heal, read everything here on the forums and workshops. It's very difficult. We have all been in denial of what they are and what it was because its very had to really understand, plus the pain is sometime unbearable.

I'm sorry for your pain, it takes time to heal, but the time starts when you think of yourself and not her.

Hugs to you! You are with friends here who all walked in the shoes of BPD!

Rifka

[Pingo]

I just feel like deleting the pictures is hiding from the past (no offense) thats why i'm hesitating to do it. Psychologist suggested I don't block her number for the same reason, don't hide from it. Learn to deal with it... .easier said then done however.

Also just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded and shared the stories, really feels good to have other people who went through something similar to talk to and hear from.

If you don't feel comfortable deleting them, put them on a thumb drive and give it to someone for safekeeping.  You can't deal with it bc you are in the midst of the worst grief of your life.  But there will be a time you will be able to deal and then decide what you want to do with the pics.  I didn't delete my pics, we were married and that's a chapter of my life I cannot erase.  But I did remove all pics and posts from fb and my phone so I couldn't ruminate on them and also to symbolise moving forward.

[westdawk2036]

Ya i'm considering deleting them or at least hiding them on Facebook. Worst part is with the depression I find myself questioning whether it was truly BPD or she was right and I just didn't make her happy. She does seem much happier now. How long did it take you guys to move on with someone else? I have an urge to find someone else even though I realize this is definitely a bad idea.

[Raybo48]

Ya i'm considering deleting them or at least hiding them on Facebook. Worst part is with the depression I find myself questioning whether it was truly BPD or she was right and I just didn't make her happy. She does seem much happier now. How long did it take you guys to move on with someone else? I have an urge to find someone else even though I realize this is definitely a bad idea.

I still haven't found someone else.  Everyone works off of a different clock, but I personally wouldn't do it just for the sake of getting over my BPDxgf. 

Healing is also about exploring why you were drawn to them in the first place and owning that.  There are various reasons why we are drawn to these people and you can't just chalk it up to meeting the wrong person at the wrong time.  If you were drawn to a BPD individual and you don't work on yourself then you'll likely be drawn to another one and be an easy target for them.   None of us want to hear that, but it's accurate.

[westdawk2036]

What do you think draws us to people with BPD? Wouldn't anyone be drawn to a person like that? So loving, so caring, felt like the perfect match at first. I even waited a whole month before we even started dating... .just feels like bad luck

[Raybo48]

What do you think draws us to people with BPD? Wouldn't anyone be drawn to a person like that? So loving, so caring, felt like the perfect match at first. I even waited a whole month before we even started dating... .just feels like bad luck

No, not necessarily.  An emotionally balance person wouldn't likely be drawn to them at all or if they did manage to go out with them they'd be gone the second there was one or two crazy making behaviors.

I'm co-dependent, a people pleaser, and a fixer to name a few.  My personality type is drawn to them and they are drawn to me.   Part of owning my part in the relationship is realizing it takes two to have the dysfunctional dance.  You can't just point your finger at their disorder and say that's the reason for the relationship failure.  They had a huge part in it, but they were also enabled. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

What do you think draws us to people with BPD? Wouldn't anyone be drawn to a person like that? So loving, so caring, felt like the perfect match at first. I even waited a whole month before we even started dating... .just feels like bad luck

No, not necessarily.  An emotionally balance person wouldn't likely be drawn to them at all or if they did manage to go out with them they'd be gone the second there was one or two crazy making behaviors.

I'm co-dependent, a people pleaser, and a fixer to name a few.  My personality type is drawn to them and they are drawn to me.   Part of owning my part in the relationship is realizing it takes two to have the dysfunctional dance.  You can't just point your finger at their disorder and say that's the reason for the relationship failure.  They had a huge part in it, but they were also enabled.  

I agree, but you know, it's like a drunk and a co-dependent or a battered woman who keeps going back to be beat. One of them is obviously much more of the perpetrator than the other. Also, I do think an emotionally healthy person would see the over the top behavior and the blaming of everyone else and the victimization and the rushing into the relationship as warning signs. I wanted someone to fix me too, that's why I looked passed the insanity and believed I found "the one". Now I know "the one" is me and some sort of god.

[drummerboy]

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