Did you secretly make plans to leave or discuss it openly with your SO?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm curious about the actual logistics of how people here left. I left once for a few days after a rage turned violent. But I feel leaving in a moment of such high emotions isn't likely to last (as my first attempt didn't). I think I need to plan and make the decision from a wise mind place.

I just can't imagine the actual conversation though, given how much blaming and guilt he puts out there. Can't imagine getting through all of the begging, crying, threats of hurting himself. Nor can I imagine the actual moving out with somebody so volatile and dysfunctional.

Did people here leave during a rage? During a time when there was relative peace? Did you talk about it rationally, or just go? Did you do it in front of a therapist? I've actually considered that--just coming out with it at our couples DBT therapist.

Would love to hear others' stories of how you made the break.

[SusanBB]

I'm curious about the actual logistics of how people here left. I left once for a few days after a rage turned violent. But I feel leaving in a moment of such high emotions isn't likely to last (as my first attempt didn't). I think I need to plan and make the decision from a wise mind place.

I just can't imagine the actual conversation though, given how much blaming and guilt he puts out there. Can't imagine getting through all of the begging, crying, threats of hurting himself. Nor can I imagine the actual moving out with somebody so volatile and dysfunctional.

Did people here leave during a rage? During a time when there was relative peace? Did you talk about it rationally, or just go? Did you do it in front of a therapist? I've actually considered that--just coming out with it at our couples DBT therapist.

Would love to hear others' stories of how you made the break.

[Spartacus]

Hi SusanBB,

I left 6 months ago quietly and calmly whilst my wife was out. She had a major dysregulation/ extinction burst 3 weeks earlier which I was trying to understand and work through. Initially I just wanted to take some time out to reflect on the relationship but she could not allow that and insisted I stay and fix things. There followed three weeks of bizarre, suspicious and nasty behavior with a lot of rage and paranoia. On the day I left she behaved particularly strangely full of drama, performance and control. She had changed so far from the person I knew and loved. I couldn't recognize her. I was in contact with my parents during this, discussing what was going on and they were calmly telling me how this was not normal. My uBPDw was constantly normalizing all the behavior and I believed her and blamed myself, challenged myself to do better. I sat in the park on a glorious sunny afternoon and thought calmly about what was going on and what I needed to do. She didn't come home for ages. When I left I phoned her to tell her what I was doing but she didn't answer. I left a message and sent a message to her father as well to say that I could no longer look after her, that I was worried about her and that I hoped he could help. I drove for 4 hours to my sister's place and broke down telling her everything. It felt like such a release full of guilt and shame but I knew it was the right thing to do for me. I went abroad and stayed with my parents for two weeks and wrote her a letter explaining why I left and why I could not go back/ recycle. Silence for a month from her then she started to paint me black to family and friends who fortunately knew better.

[vortex of confusion]

I haven't left but that is what I would like to do in the long term. What I have done is tried to emotionally detach and become unenmeshed. I have gotten my own bank account.

He and I have discussed the option of going our separate ways but it seems like that when it comes up he finds all kinds of reasons as to why it can't happen. So, what I am doing is trying to slowly take away all of those reasons. It is a work in progress and I sometimes feel like I have one foot in and one foot out. But, knowing that I am trying to find ways to make things more peaceful at home while still trying to work on myself and get myself into a position where I can leave at some point in the future helps. I have to have hope that I am not going to live like this for the rest of my life.

It will be interesting to read other people's stories as I still have a mind towards leaving but realize that it is part of a 5 year plan and isn't something that I can act on immediately.

[Panda39]

Preface: I'm on this site because my SO has an uBPDxw.

I did not leave someone with BPD but I did leave an alcoholic.  I planned for 3 months before I finally told him.  I investigated all kinds of things how to get divorced... .turned out in my state you could do your own for about $250 (money was an issue for us so this was good news), I looked for a place to live, talked to my credit union about getting a used car, talked with family and friends, made copies of paperwork, investigated the sale of our townhouse, started doing maintenance projects on the townhouse to sell it, started weeding out stuff I didn't need and tossing it, took my valuables to work and locked them in a file cabinet.  I also told my son what I was going to do right before I talked to his dad.

Needless to say my ex was upset... .he alternated between saying he loved me to accusing me of sleeping with our local college football team.  Really?

He also made a scene in front of the realtors when they came to meet us about the sale of the house.

And we had the drunken arguments that he tried to start... .sad to say but it was such a blessing to come home from work and find him passed out.

I think by having a plan in place I felt prepared to move and I hoped that things would move quickly because I had everything set up in advance.  I was foiled by a short sale... .had to live with my ex from when I told him I was leaving in April, through our divorce in August, through our house going under contract in November to finally closing on it in March the next year.  Yep, had to live with him for almost a year from telling him to actually leaving... .that's a whole other story! 

[Pingo]

Hi SusanBB, I asked my h for a divorce while in a very stressful chaotic moment.  It was after I had found out he had been stalking me while visiting with my friend.  After about 2 mths we ended up back together.  But things were never right after this, his possessiveness and jealousy were ramped up big time.  I realised I could not trust him whatsoever.  We had a fight and he raged at me and got physical with me.  This scared the crap out of me but I didn't want to make the same mistake, I wanted to be clear headed before I ended our r/s.  After 3 weeks of being very emotionally cool towards him and sleeping on the couch, I asked him for a divorce.  I knew in my heart it was absolutely necessary.  He got very emotional and then angry and I was afraid of what might happen.  I had no idea if he would leave peacefully or maybe kill me in my sleep!  Truly there was zero trust!  Anyhow, luckily it was relatively drama free (as drama free as BPD's can be) and I'm still alive!  I saw a T through the whole process which I think was very helpful in keeping me focused on what I needed to do.  I would highly suggest this.  You need validation going through something this difficult.

[Suzn]

Susan what Panda39 explained is called an exit plan. It's very wise to make an exit plan especially if things have become violent in the past. This information will be very helpful.  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

It would also be wise to speak with your couples counselor alone so that she knows what you're feeling and what you're planning.