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Author Topic: Split black out of nowhere...  (Read 343 times)
jeanae82
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1


« on: December 02, 2014, 11:26:56 PM »

I've been officially with my 30-year old uBPD gf for a year and a half now, but before that for 2 years we were on an on/off relationship. She was living abroad with her bf and whenever she used to come back home we used to be together. I was tired of this pattern and was always stopping contact with her but a year and a half ago she came back for the summer and mentioned she wanted to commit to me and that she made up her mind that I'm the one for her. She also mentioned she will be moving back to my country. Cautiously, I accepted.

For a year and a half (long-distance), she was the most loving person on the face of the earth. I visited her about 7 times for long breaks and we travelled throughout Europe. Last month, she moved back to my country, and two weeks ago we had a small fight where she was saying that guys do not treat her as well when she becomes their gf (which I took personally cause I never really changed my behavior with her). I asked for a 2 week break where we can gather our thoughts and then discuss our issues and solve them. She freaked out at first, then she wanted a one month break (uncommitted), then a two month break, then 'until further notice'. My heart was shattered. We were looking for engagement rings a week before. Once I asked for explanation, she mentioned the following:

- She is not sure that her love for me has grown enough for her to get engaged (although for 4 years our conversations were extremely loving - I read her some 1 month old messages and she started fidgeting)

- I have not been supportive in her health issues (although I used to go with her to every doc / psy appointment and research her symptoms)

- I am not tender with her (although I kiss her for one hour every morning while she's asleep and go out of my way to make her happy, whatever it takes)

- I am very strict when it comes to money management (although I'm the most generous guy ever and spent over 100K on us, invited her to everything from trips to dinners to gifts)

- She wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side and that if not she may come back and we have to move forward

Immediately she started dating a 40-year old single guy, she likes him and claims he's tender. They immediately kissed and she barely talks to me now. She ignores most my calls / messages or delays the answer and is very cold with me. She mentioned she was dreading the moment I was going to propose because of all those doubts that she wants clarified, although we had discussed when we will get married, where we will live, what rings she wants, etc.

Whenever I mention that I won't give the option to come back this time, she freaks out slightly. I am completely lost. I was going to propose in December. She has a very unstable family (father never present, just the cash cow of the family, and betrayed and left her mom all alone), a history of unstable relations / jobs (both have an expiry date of about 2 years), and lived in over 5 countries in her childhood. She never had any stability and I believe that although she wants it so bad, it is beyond her comfort zone.

She is painting me black with all those concerns she raised which are similar to what her dad did to the family. She never gave any sign of concern beforehand. I love her so much and don't want us to miss ourselves for stupid BPD that can be worked on.

Let me know your thoughts and what should I do. Thanks.
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DangIthurts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 181


« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2014, 11:35:08 PM »

depends if you wanna stay in the rabbit hole. She won't change. Mine could talk about kids, kids name, whose going to pick them up from daycare, and within a few weeks when and if I got painted black. I don't want kids ever.

You need to decide if this is what you want to deal with because it won't be isolated, it will be recurring. Most will advise you to get out, but if you're like me and KNOW what you're asking for then by all means keep at it.

But you have a rough time breaking those walls. I was black for two months of on and off contact, and then after a really decent sized argument. I was not allowed to see her for a month [I asked daily] and I'm 30 minutes away.

Only you can decide what you want. The people here, along with myself can only tell you it won't get better, in-fact it may get worse.
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