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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Just like DEJA' VU  (Read 377 times)
mermaid8
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Relationship status: Broken up from ex boyfriend for 9 years - was able to form a friendship until recently.
Posts: 405



« on: February 13, 2021, 01:41:48 PM »

So, I logged back onto this site after over nine years... Long story short, I dated my exBPD bf for 3 years... Was the "love of his life" according to him, etc. etc... And then he dumped me out of the blue with no remorse and had someone else already lined up, which he dated on and off for the next 6 years. My r/s went through all of the classic BPD r/s stages.

Fast forward several years... I was able to become friends with him. I have boundaries, have never reentered a romantic relationship nor wanted to, yet we became good friends. We both dated other people and I was transparent to anyone current that I maintained a friendship with my ex.

SO... my ex has been single for the past 2.5 years. So was I. I had left another 5 year relationship on my terms. My BPD ex and I became very good friends. We texted daily, we leaned on each other and were sounding boards etc...he has been a great friend! I helped him with moral support through his cancer diagnosis 2 years ago...

Well... as of last week he let me know that in November, he met "THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE" on a road trip and they have kept in touch cross country. Through is actions, he has let me know that he basically no longer NEEDS ME. He created a new facebook page to which I am not part of even though we had shared forwards and messages almost daily... yet we're still connected on Insta.

Here's the Deja' Vu part... I'm now seeing his Insta posts of his wonderful new relationship. He's now visiting her and their r/s is plastered all over social media. I have absolutely NO problem with that. In fact, I am happy for him and hope that it works for him. He's a good guy, just really disordered.

My issue is that he has basically ghosted the friendship because he no longer needs me. And now, I'm seeing his new romance played out in grandiose fashion on social media... and it is literally a carbon copy of how he was with me! Down to all of the adjectives he's using to describe the new gal. It's actually quite odd and disturbing. I mean...it's like watching our relationship play out just like he did with me on social media 12 years ago. The photos, the adoring affirmations...etc. etc. etc. Oh, and I should have mentioned, the girl in-between me and this new one. Yea, that one went through the same cycle too. He then painted her so black and complained about her to me once they broke up. Yet their r/s lasted twice that of ours.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has seen their ex play out the same scenarios with new people in the same exact way that they did when they were with them?

Of course I'd never ever interfere...but my internal dialogue says "yea, just wait until the new gf gets her first glimpse of the downward spiral"... she has no idea where this is headed. She is on top of the pedestal now but I'll give it a year and a half tops before she becomes where I was when I toppled down from the pedestal on which he placed me. The poor girl really believes she has met prince charming! And, like I said, he's a great guy! He just can't maintain this. Two weeks ago he was texting me telling me that he missed seeing me and that he was "in a dark place". Now he's on top of the world.

Just feeling a bit hurt, actually. But maybe I should have known better than to have expected I could have a real friendship.

Anyone have advice about what to say or do when/if he contacts me as a friend again? I feel like I've been dumped twice now. I mean... I'm not possessive, but true friends aren't fair weathered and drop you once something "better" comes along to fill all of their time. I guess I was just serving a purpose for the time-being? Maybe it really isn't possible to even maintain a friendship with someone with BPD?

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Cromwell
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2021, 02:03:58 PM »

Hi mermaid8,

it is triggering I bet and deja vu like. I didnt stay in contact so its different, although I did sometimes check her facebook, I noticed briefly one relationship that was "so happy out of this world" and it lasted a few months to crash. It has helped just not to have any contact at all, no exposure to her life equals, no opportunities for being triggered that way. But I look at how you managed to do it this way with a lot of interest and respect for coping and it sounds like it worked quite well for the most part.

my thoughts are generally what my therapist said to me once, "you dont have to do things that end up making you feel upset", and it makes sense to me, I knew it was too upsetting to stay in contact, so I stopped. Then the times I peeked on social media, that upset too, so eventually I stopped. Thats pretty much it.

as for fair-weather friends, its exactly the word I have used for my ex, a long with "fickle" and its not with an emotional hit at all, its just objective, I see her that way, I feel she is that way, and its about my own having to learn and just accept that for what it is, or "was" to be more accurate.

I realise its been a triggering time, I hope it helps to talk it out and thanks for sharing also. take care. Crom
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HopelessBroken
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 144



« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2021, 03:06:27 PM »

Oh yes Mermaid, my expwBPD has duplicated the relationship we had with his relationships after me.  It lead me to think, do we all do this? Do we all act a certain way in a relationship regardless of the other party? Do we go to the same vacation spots, attractions, restaurants? It’s heartbreaking enough to be thrown away by the pwBPD, it’s an extra blow when you feel like they just move to the new person and do and say the same things.   It made me feel very replaceable.
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I’m not hopeless or broken anymore, instead I’m pretty hopeful and pieced back together with some really strong glue.
ljwin

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2021, 03:27:31 PM »

Not my exGF who was diagnosed with BPD but my exWife who may or may not have BPD I’ve no idea but certainly towards the end of 17 years displayed some form of BPD traits, during her affair took the AP to my hometown where we first met, then to a beach spot around 100 miles away that we used to visit as teens and basically spent the first two years of their relationship revisiting many of the places we had been to even when we were 16 together. It was all very odd and something I haven’t thought about for a few years now.

Although I also took my exGF to the place I proposed to my exWife, not the exact spot but same little town as I spent all my summers as a child there so it was special to me, but the significant difference was it was special to me for childhood reasons and not because I had previously proposed there and we also took the kids too.
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mermaid8
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Broken up from ex boyfriend for 9 years - was able to form a friendship until recently.
Posts: 405



« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2021, 03:30:52 PM »

Hi mermaid8,

it is triggering I bet and deja vu like. I didnt stay in contact so its different, although I did sometimes check her facebook, I noticed briefly one relationship that was "so happy out of this world" and it lasted a few months to crash. It has helped just not to have any contact at all, no exposure to her life equals, no opportunities for being triggered that way. But I look at how you managed to do it this way with a lot of interest and respect for coping and it sounds like it worked quite well for the most part.

my thoughts are generally what my therapist said to me once, "you dont have to do things that end up making you feel upset", and it makes sense to me, I knew it was too upsetting to stay in contact, so I stopped. Then the times I peeked on social media, that upset too, so eventually I stopped. Thats pretty much it.


Cromwell, thank you for sharing. I'm glad you had good advice from your therapist that you were able to put into action to help.

I went to therapy after the break up and it helped a lot. This site did wonders to help me too. Maybe even more so than the therapy because I learned specific things about  BPD and learned about NC etc... this site is truly why I resisted any recycle attempts as well as adhered to a strict NC for a very, very long time.

It wasn't until I was healing and gained a lot of perspective that I was able to have some conversations with him and become friends. I believed that being friends and actually enjoying a friendship was a way to have him in my life and vice versa, without all of the dysfunction of being in a relationship. And, I truly forgave him because I know he is not psychologically sound. (He is very high functioning and a local celebrity).

The latest situation has caused me to wonder if it is ever possible for a BPD to have a stable relationship of any kind? I thought I was "safe" with a friendship. There was no way I would have put myself in situation where I would be hurt again. Yet, here I am. I suppose it opened a wound. I didn't think I'd be discarded again as a friend.

Thank you for commenting. It helps just to be able to write and share among people who understand.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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mermaid8
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Broken up from ex boyfriend for 9 years - was able to form a friendship until recently.
Posts: 405



« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2021, 03:36:45 PM »

Not my exGF who was diagnosed with BPD but my exWife who may or may not have BPD I’ve no idea but certainly towards the end of 17 years displayed some form of BPD traits, during her affair took the AP to my hometown where we first met, then to a beach spot around 100 miles away that we used to visit as teens and basically spent the first two years of their relationship revisiting many of the places we had been to even when we were 16 together. It was all very odd and something I haven’t thought about for a few years now.

Although I also took my exGF to the place I proposed to my exWife, not the exact spot but same little town as I spent all my summers as a child there so it was special to me, but the significant difference was it was special to me for childhood reasons and not because I had previously proposed there and we also took the kids too.

It is kinda bizarre, isn't it? To me, it's almost as if there is framework that they follow to mirror the stages of a relationship that is not unique to each person.

It's not only the places they go, but it's the WAY and level of intensity they communicate and make a grandiose gesture to shout it to the world (social media). I'm personally, very wary of any relationship that has to be displayed like a motion picture for all to see. I now understand this to be "love bombing" and at once, I felt very flattered about the over-the-top demonstration of affection but now I would run the other way. It's a big red flag!

This new r/s of his is now the 2nd one I've watched -- and both are unfolding exactly as mine did. Idealization, then downhill from there... until the victim is discarded and disliked.
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mermaid8
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Broken up from ex boyfriend for 9 years - was able to form a friendship until recently.
Posts: 405



« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2021, 03:47:30 PM »

Oh yes Mermaid, my expwBPD has duplicated the relationship we had with his relationships after me.  It lead me to think, do we all do this? Do we all act a certain way in a relationship regardless of the other party? Do we go to the same vacation spots, attractions, restaurants? It’s heartbreaking enough to be thrown away by the pwBPD, it’s an extra blow when you feel like they just move to the new person and do and say the same things.   It made me feel very replaceable.

I have asked myself that same question. To some degree, I think we all may do some of the same things or visit some of the same places, but there should be unique aspects to a relationship. My ex seems to be following a script. Literally. It's not just the places, but rather the way he displays the new girl like a trophy on social media etc. The things he writes are verbatim what he said to me and about me. We/she is perfect in the beginning. The idealization stage is in full gear. What I remember about his ex before this girl (the girl between me and this new one) is that he would periodically contact me and tell me about how awful his r/s was and how he was so unhappy, yet the propaganda he displayed on social media with these overly loving affirmations and photo's of the two of them, would lead someone to believe it was paradise.

I was only able to recognize the pattern because this is now girl #3...and it's looking a lot like what he did with me...and the girl after me...

When I first found this site 9 years ago, I read about the stages of a BPD r/s and now I cannot believe how uncanny it is that they really do go through similar stages.   
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ljwin

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2021, 04:15:26 PM »

I think my BPDexGF will struggle to recreate any of our relationship with the guy she’s replaced me with as he’s 28 year old on minimum wage with no car and lives with his mother! She always said she likes older men yet he’s nearly 8 years younger! She also doesn’t drive and also earns minimum wage so there will be no trips out to the country for singalongs with her kids unless they take the bus and no meals out except McDonalds!

She made a lot of friends where I live but she won’t be welcome hear anymore although I’m guessing she’ll show up at some point, I think she’ll find people are not as friendly as she remembers. She seems to think they were “our friends” however that isn’t the case, most disliked her as she was too loud. Some really cared for her and I’m sure would like to stay in contact. She messaged today to say she’s contacting my daughter to tell her she loves her! That’s after ranting at me yesterday about it’s all my fault she cheated because I won’t choose happiness, erm yeah happiness is sitting watching you get drunk and trying to hide it from my kids by carrying you to bed just to watch you pop right back up and start screaming the place down. I don’t think so.. sorry ranting there but it does get my goat!
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ljwin

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2021, 04:24:06 PM »

It is kinda bizarre, isn't it? To me, it's almost as if there is framework that they follow to mirror the stages of a relationship that is not unique to each person.

It's not only the places they go, but it's the WAY and level of intensity they communicate and make a grandiose gesture to shout it to the world (social media). I'm personally, very wary of any relationship that has to be displayed like a motion picture for all to see. I now understand this to be "love bombing" and at once, I felt very flattered about the over-the-top demonstration of affection but now I would run the other way. It's a big red flag!

This new r/s of his is now the 2nd one I've watched -- and both are unfolding exactly as mine did. Idealization, then downhill from there... until the victim is discarded and disliked.

My BPDex was constantly bothered that I didn’t like to share my private life on social media, when I said OK let’s post our relationship then she sat for hours counting the likes and responding to comments. I just sat wondering but the reality is in this room sitting next to you, who cares what people think!
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