just feeling down when I wake up

[momtara]

I measure how well I'm doing by how I feel when I get up in the morning.  For several months I've just felt bad.  It's hard to get both kids ready for school alone.  I needed to get the divorce, but there are times I just wonder if my situation is much better now when I feel so miserable sometimes.  I tiptoed around my exH throughout our marriage, then had to get a TRO one day when he raged at me all night (this was about two years ago), lied to the cops and said I abused our kids, and other things.  After a few tense months he started counseling and wanted to come home, and admitted to ALL his lies and problems.  But I would see the behavior periodically come back.  I loved him and was angry that BPD took away a guy who was really sweet half the time, and had a lot in common with me, and was so triggered and angry the rest of the time.  I continued with the divorce but I wasn't psychologically ready.  I didn't think it was an idea to stop the divorce or just get a legal separation to see what happened, because he might spend a year trying to get better, and if I still couldn't live with him after all that, he'd just be angrier and it would be harder for me to go through with it all.   I had a chance to leave, and I took it, but it was all very sudden.

So we're divorced, coparenting, he takes the kids every other weekend, yada.  It is hard to be alone in life, with not one other person who wants to hear your thoughts or asks how you're doing.  At least my ex cared when he wasn't triggered.  He wasn't as bad as some of the cases; I think he did truly feel empathy and was capable of being unselfish when he wasn't triggered, but a lot of things triggered him.  (I'm NOT making excuses, just giving a picture of the situation... .) 

Anyway, I have lots of "Facebook friends" and some friends in real life, but there's no one who can really help me or is there for me consistently.  They can't be - everyone has a family and they're busy with their life.  My father and stepmom come about once a month to visit.  I never realized just how much people are committed to their own lives and families when they get into their 40s and never have time for anything else.  I can certainly understand that, but no one invites us over, asks how we are, etc.  Weekends come and I see all the Facebook photos of people going somewhere for the weekend and the holidays.  We stay home.

I am nervous about my exH having the kids because of those times when he gets angry.  He lives with his parents so that's good.  He sees them only every other weekend.  I'd rather have them stay home and stable and safe.  But he offered to take them extra time over the holidays, which would allow me catch up on a lot of personal stuff and get a break - and I have to say no, just because I don't want to set a bad precedent of going outside the parenting agreement.  It would be nice to have a little time to catch up, though.

I thought I would have some extra money to get occasional babysitting and such by now, but this summer, ex inexplicably went off his meds and I spent $5K in court to get him to at least commit to occasional therapy.  I should have asked for more but got intimidated.  What  waste of money.

I guess this is a rambling post.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I know people who have much, much worse.  But it gets pretty lonely sometimes.  

The thing about my ex was, when he insulted me (called me a bad mom or whatever), I knew it was the disease talking.  People have said much crueler things to me throughout my life.  I was a short, shy and awkward kid, and was often picked on for my looks or shyness.  My ex respected the good things about me (when not triggered of course) and never insulted me in that way - he was similarly shy, but still funny and kind (again, not triggered).  There  have been people who weren't very nice throughout my life who had no disease to excuse it.  When I was dating, before I met him, it was pretty harsh out there, being judged all the time.

I guess it's hard to be alone.  People in marriages don't have to sit and examine themselves and what they are doing wrong.  They have someone there for them no matter what, someone who appreciates the good things they do on a daily basis.   Well, just wanted to vent, I guess.  I needed to get the divorce for the sake of all of our mental health, and because my ex simply lied and couldn't be trusted, and to make sure the kids could be in a calm, safe place.  But it's just hard being alone.  (And yes, I do see a T, but that's not really the point... .)

There's a local single moms group, and often they talk about their dates, etc... .they're happy to be free and livin' it up.  Sometimes they joke about who they just slept with.  Erghhhh, I don't really fit in there.

The 1-year anniversary of the divorce just passed.  I heard the first year is the hardest, but really, it's been 2 years since we've been apart, and I don't see it getting easier now.

[Grey Kitty]

This is the personal inventory board, where you look at your own deeper issues, and in supporting you, we ask you tough questions. (Venting is great, but this isn't the board for it.)

You didn't ask a question, so I'll ask you one:

The 1-year anniversary of the divorce just passed.  I heard the first year is the hardest, but really, it's been 2 years since we've been apart, and I don't see it getting easier now.

Instead of waiting for it to get easier, what can you do that will make your life better, or richer in the next year?

[momtara]

Which board would be more appropriate?  Staying or leaving aren't really the right ones... .

One helpful thing might be to be on Facebook less often!

[Forestaken]

There's a local single moms group, and often they talk about their dates, etc... .they're happy to be free and livin' it up.  Sometimes they joke about who they just slept with.  Erghhhh, I don't really fit in there.

The 1-year anniversary of the divorce just passed.  I heard the first year is the hardest, but really, it's been 2 years since we've been apart, and I don't see it getting easier now.

As a guy, I can relate.  My D less than a year, don't regret the divorce, but still not happy.  But Happiness is appreciating what you have not what you don't have.  Stop comparing yourself to other people, its a mistake.  Be happy that you're not under rage anymore.

PS. I'm not dating either and my kids are S24 and D21.

[momtara]

Yes, that is certainly part of it... .to just look at what I have.  Facebook and the photos of everyone having joyous holidays with their family... .that can be a bit frustrating!  But really, I have great kids, I'm in a really cool city where I can walk to everything, I love our little apartment, and I don't have to walk on eggshells.

I thought considering dating might actually help me, but it just makes me feel old, since I see on dating sites that a lot of guys my age can still get women in their 20s and 30s and don't need to look at anyone close to their age.  It's early to date, anyway... .not trying so so so hard, but it goes back to seeing others having success with it - normal relationships - and I get a bit envious of what they have.  Having someone to share my daily burdens would be such a relief.

[Grey Kitty]

momtara, instead of directing you to another board I'm going to direct you to do some personal inventory while you are here. 

Having someone to share my daily burdens would be such a relief.

That's good insight. Don't stop there. Here are some directions you could take it:

1. Explore the feeling of relief you are looking for, or how this unmet need feels for you.

2. You admit you aren't taking actions in this direction. (not dating) Why is this?

3. Are there things besides seeking and finding a romantic partner that would fulfill this desire of yours?