The replacement being idealized...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I did something I shouldn't have done, but curiosity killed the cat. I was at my cousins house (he is friends with my exBPD on facebook) and I used his facebook account to look at hers. I knew she was in a relationship with my replacement that she lined up whilst still with me... .this is what I saw. She has statuses that say "Something about this just feels right". Then the next post will be a meme about "sometimes I don't know if i have the strength to endure this" etc etc. She has a whole network of enablers. Her step mom is the biggest one, talking about how much of an upgrade he is from me... etc etc. Is it normal for them to already be parading their relationship all over the place like a fairy tale? It's a tad ridiculous and seems very extreme. Every post of his or hers is about one another and how amazing they are. How can you determine that in 6 weeks? Meanwhile she has done several drivebys at places I'm at. I'm 19 days no contact and feeling okay. Seeing that actually didn't hurt me... it kind of disgusted me at how soon it all happened. Please tell me that the sooner the idealization starts, the sooner the devaluation starts. I can't help but want this to fail miserably for both of them as I know my name is being smeared all over the place. I know you will all tell me that the sooner I don't care, the sooner I will be healed. But that's not what I'm looking for. I'm wanting insight on this relationship between him and her.

[Xidion]

So, I did something I shouldn't have done, but curiosity killed the cat. I was at my cousins house (he is friends with my exBPD on facebook) and I used his facebook account to look at hers. I knew she was in a relationship with my replacement that she lined up whilst still with me... .this is what I saw. She has statuses that say "Something about this just feels right". Then the next post will be a meme about "sometimes I don't know if i have the strength to endure this" etc etc. She has a whole network of enablers. Her step mom is the biggest one, talking about how much of an upgrade he is from me... etc etc. Is it normal for them to already be parading their relationship all over the place like a fairy tale? It's a tad ridiculous and seems very extreme. Every post of his or hers is about one another and how amazing they are. How can you determine that in 6 weeks? Meanwhile she has done several drivebys at places I'm at. I'm 19 days no contact and feeling okay. Seeing that actually didn't hurt me... it kind of disgusted me at how soon it all happened. Please tell me that the sooner the idealization starts, the sooner the devaluation starts. I can't help but want this to fail miserably for both of them as I know my name is being smeared all over the place. I know you will all tell me that the sooner I don't care, the sooner I will be healed. But that's not what I'm looking for. I'm wanting insight on this relationship between him and her.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

This is a very traumatic experience - you have been devalued to the extreme by someone you loved dearly.  You have to remember it is not about you.  The idealisation of your replacement is not about him.  It is about her and her insecurities and her fear of abandonment. When she says that something about this just feels right - just means that the fear of abandonment is temporarily in relief.  It will return.  Turn away and look within.  It is the only way my friend.

[Splitblack4good]

I really wouldn't worry and I know it hurts . My ex and me are only 6 weeks split and she has done the same with my replacement on FB etc she is idolizing him big time ! Hair style change the works ! It's the BPD at work . Normaly tho things Arnt what they seem ive found out that my ex and new bf have been arguing a lot already ! And they dont go out etc as much as they make out . They do this to be the centre of attention and makes them look like ther happy infront of ther freinds etc .

[Xidion]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

[Splitblack4good]

By month 3y ex had tones of statements about me and her on her FB and stated she was in a relationship . By 6 months ther were loads of pictures of us even profile pics of the pair of us .also by this point she even hinted statuses about are arguments or when we had split up like said above just ther insecurities .

My replacements profile on FB however has not changed one bit so that tells me a lot .

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

[Splitblack4good]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

No proberly not . She will act astho she is my ex had me fooled I know a lot of Her freinds that have now fallen out with her and tell me a lot . I used to think like you are about them failing but what's the point ? We all know it will at some point . But by then you will not want her back you will be clear of the FOG and if she contacts you you will see her for what she is .

Plus my ex is feeling so guilty and shamefull she is avoiding me at all costs even has to plan her visits to our mutual freinds house ! To avoid seeing me . She did see me once then I got a text saying sorry she bumped into me !

[Xidion]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

You are painted black.  In her eyes you are a naughty toy and she has found a good toy and she wants to tell the world, and you, how good her new toy is.  Remember - they are emotionally compromised at the level of a three year old.  The FOG will lift if you stick to NC.  And you will see this is the truth.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex even lied to my replacement and her freinds about deleting my number ! Also it seems all she does is talk about me negatively infront of our mutual freinds when my replacement is at beside her . Even tho it's negative just shows she is soo not over it .

[Xidion]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

You are painted black.  In her eyes you are a naughty toy and she has found a good toy and she wants to tell the world, and you, how good her new toy is.  Remember - they are emotionally compromised at the level of a three year old.  The FOG will lift if you stick to NC.  And you will see this is the truth.

I need to resist the temptation of looking at her profiles online. It's actually been a daily thing for me. I haven't been able to not do it. It's been my only connection to her. This is truly the hardest b/u I have ever endured by a longshot. Especially with being replaced immediately and made to be a monster.

[Splitblack4good]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

This is bang on truth me and you are blacker than black he's washing machine White at the moment ! Until he does something bad in her eyes but will go Ivory in colour until the reality of the relationship kicks in the she will devalue him and he will be were we are now !

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

You're right. I would almost be terrible enough to recycle and dump her. I know that's not right and I need to have more honor and dignity than that... .I'm just dumbfounded by how they are broadcasting it all over the place.

You are painted black.  In her eyes you are a naughty toy and she has found a good toy and she wants to tell the world, and you, how good her new toy is.  Remember - they are emotionally compromised at the level of a three year old.  The FOG will lift if you stick to NC.  And you will see this is the truth.

[Xidion]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

[Splitblack4good]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

[Turkish]

The hair style change that Sb4g mentioned is interesting... my Ex ran to a guy young enough to be my son. She grew her hair out long, despite keeping it short our whole time together. I'm almost 11 years older than she is. I found reference in her journal, where she questioned changing her hair style to cope with her inner feelings. A hair change is easy; not so much a change of feelings.

Xidion, it's hurtful that she's publicly idealizing the new guy. Mine did the same. In a subtle way while she was still living with me, and blatantly right after she left. I blocked her while she still, lived with me, and despite my clear instructions, a friend shared with me the juvenile idealizations she was psting on FB, which were probably an unconcious stab at me.

Can you accept that curiosity wounded the cat and not check again? It's understandable to seek amswers, even to questions which may never be answered to our satisfaction.

I did a google search on my replacement last week before I stopped myself and asked, "what am I doing? This isn't going to change anything." It's been ten months since she moved out. I'm doing a lot better, but the pain and curiosity still lingers, and that's ok.

[Xidion]

I'm going to do my best not to look at any of their social media. I have nothing to gain from it. I guess I looked because I really wanted to know to what extent it was. It was more than I had ever imagined. Seems like she is over-exaggerating her happiness to compensate for her inner darkness. I won't lie... .I want her to contact me a few months from now for some validation and to see her for what she really is.

[Xidion]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

[Splitblack4good]

The hair style change that Sb4g mentioned is interesting... my Ex ran to a guy young enough to be my son. She grew her hair out long, despite keeping it short our whole time together. I'm almost 11 years older than she is. I found reference in her journal, where she questioned changing her hair style to cope with her inner feelings. A hair change is easy; not so much a change of feelings.

Xidion, it's hurtful that she's publicly idealizing the new guy. Mine did the same. In a subtle way while she was still living with me, and blatantly right after she left. I blocked her while she still, lived with me, and despite my clear instructions, a friend shared with me the juvenile idealizations she was psting on FB, which were probably an unconcious stab at me.

Can you accept that curiosity wounded the cat and not check again? It's understandable to seek amswers, even to questions which may never be answered to our satisfaction.

I did a google search on my replacement last week before I stopped myself and asked, "what am I doing? This isn't going to change anything." It's been ten months since she moved out. I'm doing a lot better, but the pain and curiosity still lingers, and that's ok.

The reason my ex changed her hair style is because my replacement is black (she is white) guy and all his freinds that are female and also black have similar hair styles . She done this for 2 reasons 1-so she would fit in with the group and the whole identity lack .my ex has been thru 4 groups of freinds in 1 year alone ! Each time clothes and hair style have altered to match she mirrors a lot . I almost feel sorry for her massive need to be excepted . I know deep down tho she is struggling with this and it hurts her not knowing who she is.

2 -so the replacement would feel comfitable and she thought its what he would approve of .

[Turkish]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

In a healthy r/s, no one should have to "prove" their love. This is the stuff of fairy tales. When we  were still friends, my Ex said she hated marriage, and didn't believe in it. I stuck it out through our one recycle to prove her wrong, and proposed to her, though we never married. I moved in with her after less than 4 months of a romantic r/s because I bought into the "why don't you want to move in with me. Don't you love me?" Much crying, and some anger.

7 years and two kids later, I'm not sure if I'm more mad at her, or mad at myself.

[Splitblack4good]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

Exactly the same with mine you almost just told my story ! She told me after getting with my replacement that I got to close but in a non direct way .

At a guess if you have not left things and split up on a good positive way I'd say yours will be back . Mine however will not due to we had 2 bad recycles and to much damage done .

[Xidion]

My brain knows that if I were to invest more time into this, that I would get nowhere. I know I wouldn't want to have children with this woman or marry her. But my heart is way behind my brain. Hurt is hurt... .

[Splitblack4good]

I know she isn't over her and I's relationship. Her sister keeps putting motivational sayings on her page, which leads me to believe she is confiding in her sister when she is feeling down about it. She also has a long post about how happy she is now, and that she wasn't sure she could do it, but somehow she mustered up the strength to leave me and couldn't be happier.

It's all words trust me . It's difficult I know and man am I hurting right now ! Just like you but I'm letting mine get on with it she is pushing me away further but they do that for several reasons being - she prob does love you and you got to close !

She feels shame

She feels guilt

I got really close. I was bringing her home flowers, and doing everything I could do to prove my love to her. It almost feels like she "conquered" me, so she got bored and moved on to the next. I was evening talking about getting another job that allowed me to have more evenings free to be able to spend more time with her. She replied with "No babe, just stick it out and see what happens in the next 2 years". The very day and she left me I said "It feels like I'm losing you". She replied with "Baby you aren't losing me, I will always be here with you". She also told me she loved me in the same sentence that she said she couldn't be with me anymore... Talk about a complete mind ___. Anyway... .

Funny how you say you were going to change jobs to spend more time with her . My ex suggested that I have 2 days off a week and she work 2 nights a week to cover my days off she said it was coz she knew how tired and stressed I was come Thursdays and my job is physical .

Looking back and knowing what I do know about BPD she suggested this for her needs as in Id spend more time with her ! She hated the fact I worked long hours . My replacement is unemployed and they are together 24/7 no wonder she likes him .

[Xidion]

My replacement actually has a job that he works long hours. However, he is pretty darn ugly (all my friends that are girls were pretty surprised) and he has no life outside of that. It looks like they are spending every free second together as well as plastering it all over facebook.

[Splitblack4good]

My brain knows that if I were to invest more time into this, that I would get nowhere. I know I wouldn't want to have children with this woman or marry her. But my heart is way behind my brain. Hurt is hurt... .

It is hard to except I know but I see it now that after 3 attempts it's not going to work Thers so many underlying problems that Arnt resolved and she is never going to admit her mistakes and all blame is on me ! So it's a rock and a very hard place situation love will never be enough unless they except they have an illness and want treatment .

[Xidion]

My brain knows that if I were to invest more time into this, that I would get nowhere. I know I wouldn't want to have children with this woman or marry her. But my heart is way behind my brain. Hurt is hurt... .

It is hard to except I know but I see it now that after 3 attempts it's not going to work Thers so many underlying problems that Arnt resolved and she is never going to admit her mistakes and all blame is on me ! So it's a rock and a very hard place situation love will never be enough unless they except they have an illness and want treatment .

You're right about that. I guess in the end, once we weather the storm and get past this... we are able to learn of this and move on and be happy. But they will always repeat the same cycles, never be happy, and always blame the other person for being at fault.

[enlighten me]

My ex has put nothing about my replacements on fb yet. She is very secretive about them when it comes to me. She goes to vist and has her new bf over but her fb status is still single. She has been out in public with her previous bf but never mentioned him.

She was secretive about me aswell. I think her and her ex hadnt split up when she contacted me so she didnt want to show she had moved on so quickly.

They either flaunt it or hide it. I suppose it depends on them and how they actually felt about you. The ones that rub it in your face are showing you meant something to them. The ones that hide it may be doing the same. Who can really know?

[Splitblack4good]

My ex has put nothing about my replacements on fb yet. She is very secretive about them when it comes to me. She goes to vist and has her new bf over but her fb status is still single. She has been out in public with her previous bf but never mentioned him.

She was secretive about me aswell. I think her and her ex hadnt split up when she contacted me so she didnt want to show she had moved on so quickly.

They either flaunt it or hide it. I suppose it depends on them and how they actually felt about you. The ones that rub it in your face are showing you meant something to them. The ones that hide it may be doing the same. Who can really know?

The first time I saw her profile pic of my ex kissing my replacement (12hours arfter we split) and I asked her was that to hurt me as I split up with her I got back "the pic done its purpose " ouch that hurt .

[Infern0]

Read my thread about how replacements get treated.

Idealisation is FAKE,  it's a coping mechanism that invariably ends.

Think about yourself

[fred6]

When we  were still friends, my Ex said she hated marriage, and didn't believe in it.

7 years and two kids later, I'm not sure if I'm more mad at her, or mad at myself.

That's interesting Turkish. My ex said the same thing. She didn't believe in marriage, "Why get married, why can't 2 people just be in a committed relationship". However, it seems as thought her idea of a "committed" relationship involved cheating and lying. I believe that my ex doesn't believe in marriage because she knows that all of her relationships eventually end the same way. Not to mention the hypocritical nature of a church going Christian who "puts god first in her life", saying that they don't believe in marriage. Her Christianity seems just as fake as the rest of her existence. 

[Splitblack4good]

I should of seen the big red flags with my ex when I came to marriage she had been engaged 3 times , planned 2 weddings even got a wedding dress when she was with her ex before me . She always made out it was something they had done for her to not marry them . Hhhmmm think maybe they got to close then she sabotaged it . I'd love to be able to ask her exes what really happend . Think she loved the idea of it and the fear of abandonment was gone but only in the engagement .

Come to think of it when we first got together I said to her does she fear commitment to marriage after she told me the story's and she said yes . So I am an idiot ! Lol .

She even confesed to staying with her ex before me for 4 years as she would rather be with someone than be on her own .   she said the 1st year was great the last 3 she didn't go anywere near him and slept in seperate beds .even told me after I asked why she stayed with him for that long if she wasn't happy and said I tried to love him but couldn't   I now know I was his replacement ! Dam !

[Deeno02]

First off, my ex is blocked by me on everything. I wont look. I cant. Secondly, my ex never changed her profile picture to one of us(I had), there were only 3 pictures taken of us in the whole 16 months anyway, nor did she ever change her relationship status(I wasnt until she did.Never happened) with me. Im afraid to look and see if she had with the replacement. I fear if she has, I would feel even more a loser than I already do, so I wont. Stay my course of NC and pray for the best.

[Xidion]

My ex did have me blocked on everything, but unblocked me from it all about a week ago. Her behavior has been odd. She seems so happy with the replacement. That's the hardest part.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex did have me blocked on everything, but unblocked me from it all about a week ago. Her behavior has been odd. She seems so happy with the replacement. That's the hardest part.

Why do they do that ? My ex blocked me then unblocked me the same day what the heck ?

[myself]

What's so ideal about running from what wasn't to something that also will not be? Basically replacing one set of pains for another, for a lifetime?

[Hawk Ridge]

This was good for me to read as I struggle with jealousy of my replacement, baffled they are still together

[parisian]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

Xidion, please try not to look at social media if you can help it. It is just painful every time. Sometimes we hope they will post things like 'missing my ex' or 'sad about being single', but in reality they will never ever post that. All you will see on Social Media are things that are hurtful to you. They post to give the perception about what a wonderful life and how much fun they are having. In reality, they experience shame, guilt, embarassment and much self-hate.

They will fail. Give it time. 4-6 months on and you know from your own experience (and from everyone else's on here), they will start to dysregulate and your new replacement will bear the wrath of everything you experienced also. Failure is a given, you can be assured. That is the sad repeating cycle for pwBPD. It can't be anything but a fail because a BPD will not suddenly get better unless they invest massive amounts of time in DBT and/or other ONGOING therapies. Eventually it will be even more embarassing and shameful for them - everyone will start to see the repeat patterns of their life. Just try and be patient - this is hard when you are seeing them with someone else and think they are all happy and over you. It's never about us or the replacement, but only ever about them needing to have some form of attachment to placate the awful feelings from their illness. It is not about the replacement either - the replacement could be the best looking, most awesome person in the world (just like you probably were), but in the end, none of that will matter. The BPD WILL kick in and it WILL end.

Make a bet with yourself that things with the replacement will go downhill - try and put aside $1 a day every day for a few months, until you get word that things aren't going so well with the new replacement, then 'reward' yourself with that 'bet' money and go use it to treat yourself to something awesome whilst smiling, laughing and congratulating yourself on 'winning the bet'  

It hurts and is sad for us but our satisfaction will come from knowing that the disease will always win in the end. Every time.

[Xidion]

Parisian, 

Thank you for that. I often forget that eventually the BPD will kick in. I was stupid for looking at what I did. It made me miss being idealized and all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  In the end, it was doomed from the beginning

[parisian]

Parisian,  

Thank you for that. I often forget that eventually the BPD will kick in. I was stupid for looking at what I did. It made me miss being idealized and all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple.  In the end, it was doomed from the beginning

The idealization was so amazing, that is what keeps each and everyone one of us in these realationships (oh and throw in a bit of co-dependecy too). We all want to get back to that magical place however that is all it ever was - a magical place that never really existed and no longer exists, and will never ever be again no matter how much we wish or hope or try and stick around. We fall so deeply during that phase because they mirror us, so essentially we fall in love with ourselves.

Try and focus on what the reality was, rather than a hopeful, non-existant future dream state. As much as that is what we would have liked, our BPD relationships could never ever be like that.

You weren't stupid - we all go through that desire of wanting to know. There's an overwhelming desire to want to see them, to want to see what they are up to but checking social media is just like picking a scab. And when you do, it keeps hurting and that scab will continue to bleed and won't heal while you repeatedly pick at it

[Splitblack4good]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

Xidion, please try not to look at social media if you can help it. It is just painful every time. Sometimes we hope they will post things like 'missing my ex' or 'sad about being single', but in reality they will never ever post that. All you will see on Social Media are things that are hurtful to you. They post to give the perception about what a wonderful life and how much fun they are having. In reality, they experience shame, guilt, embarassment and much self-hate.

They will fail. Give it time. 4-6 months on and you know from your own experience (and from everyone else's on here), they will start to dysregulate and your new replacement will bear the wrath of everything you experienced also. Failure is a given, you can be assured. That is the sad repeating cycle for pwBPD. It can't be anything but a fail because a BPD will not suddenly get better unless they invest massive amounts of time in DBT and/or other ONGOING therapies. Eventually it will be even more embarassing and shameful for them - everyone will start to see the repeat patterns of their life. Just try and be patient - this is hard when you are seeing them with someone else and think they are all happy and over you. It's never about us or the replacement, but only ever about them needing to have some form of attachment to placate the awful feelings from their illness. It is not about the replacement either - the replacement could be the best looking, most awesome person in the world (just like you probably were), but in the end, none of that will matter. The BPD WILL kick in and it WILL end.

Make a bet with yourself that things with the replacement will go downhill - try and put aside $1 a day every day for a few months, until you get word that things aren't going so well with the new replacement, then 'reward' yourself with that 'bet' money and go use it to treat yourself to something awesome whilst smiling, laughing and congratulating yourself on 'winning the bet'  

It hurts and is sad for us but our satisfaction will come from knowing that the disease will always win in the end. Every time.

My ex and replacement are arguing already after just 6 weeks as stated here just because it looks like they are happy doesn't mean a thing . It won't be long now before he sees the crazy come out !

When I started seeing her I wasnt seeing her every day so it took at least 4 months before I started noticing it.

My replacement spends 98% of his time with her they are always together ! He's gona see the crazy so much quicker !

[Infared]

It does hurt.  But I'm okay.  I guess it really shows how unhealthy of relationships they have. I know I shouldn't worry about it. But my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just want to see them fail. Maybe I'm just seeking some sort of validation that will never come. Do you think she is as happy as she is making things out to be?

They seem to thrive on drama and chaos.  Misery is at their core.  It is hard but my advice is to accept it is over.  You will be given the opportunity to triangulate and maybe even recycle.  Respect yourself.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  And most of them will be healthier.

+100     

[enlighten me]

I just want to add my own experience from yesterday. I went to pick up my sons from my ex wife. I arrived early so went in for a coffee. She started reminiscing and told me how she lovdd me so much and went on about a guy she had been chatting to online when we were together. She was insistent that nothing had happened between them. She went on about how she would never cheat on me. I told her there was too much other stuff to believe that like the guy she had living in my house before we were married. She denied it had happened until I told her she had admitted it to me. I told her that it doesnt matter now and whether anything had happened that was in the past and we had both moved on.

she remarried this year so her reaching out like that said to me alls not as rosey as she may make out.

Eventually the replacement will be devalued. They do have a special ex who was the best they have had and only appreciate them when its too late.

[Infared]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blame.

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

[Beach_Babe]

My ex even lied to my replacement and her freinds about deleting my number ! Also it seems all she does is talk about me negatively infront of our mutual freinds when my replacement is at beside her . Even tho it's negative just shows she is soo not over it .

Do we know the same person?

[Splitblack4good]

My ex even lied to my replacement and her freinds about deleting my number ! Also it seems all she does is talk about me negatively infront of our mutual freinds when my replacement is at beside her . Even tho it's negative just shows she is soo not over it .

Do we know the same person?

Yes we do she's called boarderline disorder .

[Beach_Babe]

Lol. Sad but true

[Xidion]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blame.

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

[Infared]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blame.

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

If you have no sense of self and are unhappy with your life (YOUR LIFE by yourself)... I believe you have no shot at a caring loving relationship with someone else.  PwBPD have no shot at that. None.  They will always eventually be unhappy because they have no capacity to love themselves.

[guy4caligirl]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blam

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

What an awful illness , if they only realize what they do ... .Acting , is really tireing , their end must be painful .

Does anyone know about an older BPD, when got really old and lost their looks , where do they end up ?

[Infared]

I have come to realize that the "person" that I was with was an invention of the moment created to interact with me. It was nobody. That is who your replacement is with right now.  Nobody. There is no sense of self as we know it. PwBPD will say what ever they need to to gain acceptance and control.  They have an incredible ability to pick partners who are easily and happily mirrored. (That is our part in this).

Did yours play the victim?   ... .we just love to rescue them.  

Their "love" is that of a child. They live in that fantasy, but eventually... .slowly or quickly that dream crumbles. It cannot be sustained. When it does the looking for someone else devaluation of the curent partner begins.   They will become whoever they need to be for the next victim that strikes their fancy.

I have seen glimpses that under it all they truly loath themselves (whoever that is).   There is no helping or fixing any of it as the pwBPD sees that they have no problem. They just attach and renew. We are all to blam

Better just avoided... .not recycled.

You nailed it. Looking back, I can see how she mirrored me. My likes were her likes. She was never the leader in activities or anything. I was always the leader and she happily followed acting as if it was what she wanted to do, too. She never truly devalued me until we lived together. That's when it started to go into full force. Things that she used to love about me began to annoy her. I would laugh and she would give me a dirty look at how I was laughing. She became passive aggressive. She didn't want to do anything around the house. She litterally sat around watching tv while I was at work. The more days go by with NC, the more I remember in the 5-6 month range of our relationship and a lot of the drama she caused. She would often start an argument over some girl talking to me, leave my place having a hissy fit, then call me wanting to talk about it. Ths replacement has no idea what he is in for. Right now he thinks he found the girl of his dreams. He is in for a rude awakening.

What an awful illness , if they only realize what they do ... .Acting , is really tireing , their end must be painful .

Does anyone know about an older BPD, when got really old and lost their looks , where do they end up ?

Well, imagine being 55yrs old and still acting like you are in Jr... High School.

I am not a young man... .and I am surrounded by this in NJ.

I stay single.

I just laugh and walk away... .I go ride my motorcycle, hang out with friends or go create some great photos.

The swirling drama and self-discontent holds nothing for me. No thanks.

[parisian]

Does anyone know about an older BPD, when got really old and lost their looks , where do they end up ?

Guy, you will find some discussion on that topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37775.0

Noticeably: 'the promiscuity often gets better, simply because there are fewer partners that a 60-year-old hussy or lothario can attract. Also, the classic picture of a young BPD having their flaws overlooked because of their great looks and sexual prowess will definitely fade over time'



My exBPDgf has a relative who I believe also has the illness. She never told me that, just said was recluse and no one visits although my ex used to try. There's probably a good reason why and I think it's probably BPD also... .if my ex keeps going the way she is, she will end up like that too sadly. I think she fears that.

There are lots of potential health impacts as they age also - particularly if they have used drugs or alcohol to self-medicate for years.

There is one sad case in this article, although non-BPD elderly folk can also end up in not so pleasant circumstances too:

www.medscape.com/viewarticle/505595_5

'Interpersonal losses of previously sustaining relationships; decrease in physical beauty, energy, and capability which were sources of external admiration; similar loss of role-functioning-occupational, parental or societal; restriction in outlets for management of intolerable anxiety such as sexual or aggressive acting out, increased reliance on forced intimate relationships with caregivers leading to mobilization of rage, primitive dependency conflicts, fantasies of rescue, abandonment anxiety, and fear of engulfment.