I want her back - she is ignoring me

[guy4caligirl]

I just wonder , if they are over us , and life is so blissfully happy for them , why do they ignore our texts .

Are they still attached to us and don't want to show it ?

If they went on with their lives why don't they just reply short and easy ?

What's the deal here ?

[EaglesJuju]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  Did you text her and she ignored you?

[guy4caligirl]

Yes I did yesterday , after 12 days NC as I think in my situation , I feel like the NC thing is not set in stones .

Al I said is nothing but sweet things I don't care how she takes it , weakness or else , yes I have a weakness towards her ,I know it's going to hurt  me either way , as I hurt a lot less than I did five months ago .

I am thinking to text her and say" Perhaps you're having second thoughts why are you ignoring me ?" .?

I walked on eggs while with her why should I continue doing that ?

[Splitblack4good]

I'm going thru this aswell at the moment my has told me she's happy with my replacement told me it's over etc not to contact her . I get unblocked from her phone followed by a text saying sorry about seeing you today (she turned up at a mates house ) then I text her no hard feelings etc happy Xmas can I have the last of my things back . And now silent treatment and still trying her hardest to cause conflict between mutuel freinds and avoiding me like the plaque !

[guy4caligirl]

How long since you have seeing her last ?

[Splitblack4good]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  Did you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

[EaglesJuju]

Yes I did yesterday , after 12 days NC as I think in my situation , I feel like the NC thing is not set in stones .

Al I said is nothing but sweet things I don't care how she takes it , weakness or else , yes I have a weakness towards her ,I know it's going to hurt  me either way , as I hurt a lot less than I did five months ago .

I am thinking to text her and say" Perhaps you're having second thoughts why are you ignoring me ?" .?

I walked on eggs while with her why should I continue doing that ?

Contact is totally dependent on what your needs are and what you want.  NC works for some people, where as LC can work for others. You should not walk on eggshells but,  you have to understand certain things that are said can trigger a pwBPD. I would suggest rephrasing your text to her.  

[Splitblack4good]

How long since you have seeing her last ?

About two weeks ago if they are happy etc why will she got give my things back either ? Can they not except the fact that we except it's over ? If that makes sense ?

[EaglesJuju]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  Did you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

PwBPD's thoughts/feelings are erratic, and can change instantaneously.  They come back, when they "paint you white,"  meaning they start to associate you with positive feelings.

[Mutt]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  :)id you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

Much of the behavior is driven by the disorder and the disorder is emotional based. As EagleJuju points out feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD and the cycles change rapidly. Your ex may feel one way in the present moment and differently in several minutes or hours.

At the center of this disorder is the core wound of abandonment, abandonment, abandonment fears, trauma as EagleJuju articulates with feelings of hurt, shame, guilt, sadness as the central theme. One would assume a painful burden?

It may seem like she has moved on and it hurts us as we may not be validated or given proper closure. Your ex copes differently with many defense mechanisms and maladaptive coping skills.  It may seem outwardly that life is blissful now, the core wound is still there

and the disorder is triggered by intimacy hence the cycle fear of abandonment and engulfment continues.

[guy4caligirl]

I won't text her , that but I did  text this "Why are you ignoring me "

I think why we have hard time detaching because we can't imagine them being happy for real there is a lot we know about them , the new guy may or may not . But the odds he already  saw the flags and ignored it like we did .

Now ,the fact that we think they might come back gets us stuck in there , I read a lot learned a lot , but I am still wanting another go at it , it's personal and my decision I know her she is a messed up child , we all have problems , I just dated a girl for two days , she had to stay with me a night or two in another bedroom , I saw the signs of BPD big time after 5 hours of meeting her she made my ex look like a saint BPD .

I couldn't wait to get her out and I did not even touch her ,looks  like I relived the two days Chios of the BPD sickness with this girl, but I put up with it with my ex because I endure her out of love, it was so easy for me to  to shut down that new one .

That been said , I feel like just sit still and weather the storm with my ex till the spring , if I am still longing her and she never came back then I am going to get busy and go on with my life . I am going to stay single and no more dates for me ,  I am not ready yet .

I spent 5 years with her they say one month for each year to get over add a half month for the BPD recovery 7 and a half months , I cannot defeat the process .

[Deeno02]

Contacting them is not on my to do list. Good on ya if you guys can handle it, but I cant. I couldnt survive another bout of this lady... .

[Mr Hollande]

Contacting them is not on my to do list. Good on ya if you guys can handle it, but I cant. I couldnt survive another bout of this lady... .

Same for me.

[EaglesJuju]

Now ,the fact that we think they might come back gets us stuck in there , I read a lot learned a lot , but I am still wanting another go at it , it's personal and my decision I know her she is a messed up child , we all have problems ,

That been said , I feel like just sit still and weather the storm with my ex till the spring , if I am still longing her and she never came back then I am going to get busy and go on with my life . I am going to stay single and no more dates for me ,  I am not ready yet .

It seems that you want to try to reconnect. Why are you intending to sit still and weather the storm?  Forgive me, I am not familiar with your situation. 

[Mutt]

Now ,the fact that we think they might come back gets us stuck in there

You make a valid point. I was stuck here and struggled. NC is difficult guy4caligirl.

I often read on the leaving board - "how" do we move past this?

I have to agree with Seeking Balance. I had invested my happiness in the relationship. A painful loss when the relationship ended. I came to the realization that my ex does not hold the key to my happiness. I hope the article helps.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

[Splitblack4good]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  :)id you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

PwBPD's thoughts/feelings are erratic, and can change instantaneously.  They come back, when they "paint you white,"  meaning they start to associate you with positive feelings.

I can only imagine my ex is ignoring me due to what you have stated above plus maybe regret . I ended it with her after she started an argument  . She was devaluing me anyway at the time . Got with someone instantly lack of impulse control ! Plus I rang to apoligies and asked if we could sort it out . She said no .Then it all came back to her a week later  our plans for Xmas etc she rang me crying blaming me and then started saying I had ruined everything after I reminded her all these things but she was to far into the new guy This point he was even living ther I beleive . Then her smear campaine back fired and lost freinds over it .then I heard she is arguing with my replacement  already 5/6 weeks in to ther relationship now she is still clutching at straws trying to slag me off to people mutuel freinds etc . And the bit I don't get is she unblocked me from her phone and I'm still unblocked now ? All I can think is I triggered her big time abandonment fears when she rang me she said it was over because I abandoned her and her kids like everyone else does ! And acussed me of planing the break up on purpose to get out of Xmas etc ! I told her if that were true then why would I want to sort it out ? Even now she is blaming me for her and her kids going to have a crap Xmas now but she could of sorted it ! Can anyone here tell me how this makes sense or can see it were she's coming from were the BPD is concerned as to why she didn't fix this when she could have .

I can only think she is regretting most of it hence she lashed out to start with then the hatred texts now silence .

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Mutt

Eagle juju

I am in the seasonal business the spring is where it gets back it's a resort area on the ocean .

It's a ghost town at this time , loneliness is all over the place, internet dating is rough you don't know who you're dealing with till you see them in person I explained in my last post what happened .

That's why I said the spring , I go through a seasonal depression at this time but I went through it for years and It always go away , My ex was with me I was entertained real well   good and bad , now me and our dog she misses the dog but not me . (I don't think so ).

5 years R/S 5 months since B/U .

[Aussie JJ]

Mine said something to me that shocked me a fair bit when I initiated contact, it got her responding as well. 

She said I had changed. 

What did I change, I ignored the BS and was myself again, I didnt beg, I didnt facilitate, I walked away and I was myself.  She said I was healthier again.  I then said, lets work through those issues.  Instantly the shame came out. 

happy I was all good again, then I ask can we work through those issues, her response.  shutdown, I am no longer that happy attachment, romantically I am assosiated with being bad so that the new partner can be all good. 

If I was still good and a romantic partner material then it would imply that she is bad for leaving me in the first place.  They not only paint us black they paint themselves black as well.  Thats the shame side of it, no empathy for themselves either. 

Forgive but dont forget.  Love them for who they are and recognise unless they choose to change, just as you can only choose to change yoruselves.  It cant work.   :'(

Sorry guy4caligirl.  Like you I don't understand it, I still can say I love her and care for her and know what that means to me.  I wont slander or paint her black.  She is who she is and I will still choose to respect her as a person regardless, as a romantic partner, never can it be. 


AJJ. 

[EaglesJuju]

I can only imagine my ex is ignoring me due to what you have stated above plus maybe regret . I ended it with her after she started an argument  . She was devaluing me anyway at the time . Got with someone instantly lack of impulse control ! Plus I rang to apoligies and asked if we could sort it out . She said no .Then it all came back to her a week later  our plans for Xmas etc she rang me crying blaming me and then started saying I had ruined everything after I reminded her all these things but she was to far into the new guy This point he was even living ther I beleive . Then her smear campaine back fired and lost freinds over it .

I can only think she is regretting most of it hence she lashed out to start with then the hatred texts now silence .

As Mutt stated before, abandonment and variations thereof, are central to pwBPD.  PwBPD cope with their abandonment issues  in various ways, such as projection, splitting, avoidance, withdrawing, dissociation etc. It seems that their maladaptive coping mechanisms are as erratic as their thoughts/feelings.  

[guy4caligirl]

What if I text this . "I realize that I love you just they way you are missing you  ."

Would that help ?

[Mutt]

What if I text this . "I realize that I love you just they way you are missing you  ."

Would that help ?

It's your choice if you want to text. Keep in mind the message you send may not be received as intended.

What is your goal?

[Splitblack4good]

I believe that they ignore texts because, they cannot deal with the feelings (hurt, shame, guilt, sadness) associated to you.  It is the old ostrich syndrome.  It is hard to understand, if you are looking at it from perspective of a non disordered person.  :)id you text her and she ignored you?

If this is right and true why do they sometimes come back ? Surely if they feel like that now then in the future they will feel the same way ?

PwBPD's thoughts/feelings are erratic, and can change instantaneously.  They come back, when they "paint you white,"  meaning they start to associate you with positive feelings.

I can only imagine my ex is ignoring me due to what you have stated above plus maybe regret . I ended it with her after she started an argument  . She was devaluing me anyway at the time . Got with someone instantly lack of impulse control ! Plus I rang to apoligies and asked if we could sort it out . She said no .Then it all came back to her a week later  our plans for Xmas etc she rang me crying blaming me and then started saying I had ruined everything after I reminded her all these things but she was to far into the new guy This point he was even living ther I beleive . Then her smear campaine back fired and lost freinds over it .then I heard she is arguing with my replacement  already 5/6 weeks in to ther relationship now she is still clutching at straws trying to slag me off to people mutuel freinds etc . And the bit I don't get is she unblocked me from her phone and I'm still unblocked now ? All I can think is I triggered her big time abandonment fears when she rang me she said it was over because I abandoned her and her kids like everyone else does ! And acussed me of planing the break up on purpose to get out of Xmas etc ! I told her if that were true then why would I want to sort it out ? Even now she is blaming me for her and her kids going to have a crap Xmas now but she could of sorted it ! Can anyone here tell me how this makes sense or can see it were she's coming from were the BPD is concerned as to why she didn't fix this when she could have .

I can only think she is regretting most of it hence she lashed out to start with then the hatred texts now silence .

Do you think my ex is ever gona paint me white again after all the above ? sorry to laugh if I don't il cry (not really ) I just don't get why she is still even now trying to slag me off ? I've told her I except it's over after trying to sort it out . She got what she wants why ignore/silent treatment ? I think I'm likely to be splitblack4good !

[Aussie JJ]

What if I text this . "I realize that I love you just they way you are missing you  ."

Would that help ?

guy4caligirl,

I have a work collegue or old work collegue that has BPD, 100 % more than my ex does.  She is sort of medium functioning if that adds up.  Not low, not high.  

I talk with her using SET and SET only now, I sometimes leave the truth out when speaking to her.  Verbatim below is one of my texts to her

ME:

I can understand feeling anoyed and even pissed that someone would do that to you and your justified in wanting to get some closure.  I just know I am happier myself moving on from negative people in my life, I get nothing but pain from continuing to engage with toxic people.  My 2 cents.  

HER:

Yea but he lied to me and went behind my back, you dont ___ me around I will get you back.  Someone disrespects me I get them back and cause them 10x more pain than I get.  I am a vindictive b___ and i wont give up when someone does this to me you should know that .  Fk him he deserves it.  

No insight whatsoever.  She repeats this pattern with everything, jobs.  Loves them and leaves them.  New boyfriend that is into motorbikes.  She buys a motor bike.  He does something to put her off, she puts a restraining order against him.  She has had 4 previous BF's that she has taken through the Police with AVO's (Agrivated Violence Orders) and others that she has dobbed into the tax office etc.  

No ability to see her role in the dysfunction.  I have always been a friend to her, always known something is off.  Yet she comes back to me in cycles, I wont hear from her for a few months then get bombed like crazy with texts and phone calls with the new disaster in her life.  I step back alot more and have distanced myself a fair bit from her.  I know the damage she is capable of, I am getting her out of my life slowly.  I dont want her to start accusations against me or go to my ex partner with made up BS.  

She offered to lie for me going to court to say she had witnessed stuff.  I asked her what stuff, her response.  You tell me and I'll say it.  

She will say anything to keep me (friend = attachment) happy and fears abandonment/rejection if she doesnt do that.  

Both of our ex's will say all of these things to defend themselves and make them feel better about there actions.  Step back and ask what you want from the text message... .


AJJ.  

[guy4caligirl]

One more chance  .

we never recycled before , we had spaces like visiting her family , she did not walked out on me and yes she didn't cheat on me while together.

It was a mutual thing that we broke off , nasty words to each others a year before she finally left .

Though at the time when she left 5 months ago she will come back ,this time she met someone and was not planning to which  I have evidence to believe her ,if that person wasn't there at that moment she would have come back ,but she believes that it was meant to be , two weeks after her departure she became silent and asked me to cut all ties with  her  she kept it like she was single no boyfriend till a month ago .

[Aussie JJ]

guy4caligirl,

if your going to give her one more chance.  Be clear with what you expect and what you will and wont tollerate.  Be willing to be nuteral and not say things like BUT YOU DID THIS!

Dont JADE conversations etc.  It is hard buddy... .

If doing this, get off this board now and head over to the staying or undecided board.  It is a whole different kettle of fish to leaving. 

I have seen your posts over a while and know that you still care and love this woman.  Nothing wrong with that, recognise that there is also alot of pain that your carrying and you cant take that in if trying again. 

Lastly, set a limit on when you will stop to protect yourself.  Say, at this point I will accept that it cant be and then walk away for my own health. 


AJJ. 

[Deeno02]

Good luck dude if you choose to reengage. I personally couldnt do it.

[EaglesJuju]

Do you think my ex is ever gona paint me white again after all the above ? sorry to laugh if I don't il cry (not really ) I just don't get why she is still even now trying to slag me off ? I've told her I except it's over after trying to sort it out . She got what she wants why ignore/silent treatment ? I think I'm likely to be splitblack4good !

I cannot answer that because, everyone, including pwBPD, has individual traits/characteristics.  Individuality is a factor and generalizations about the behavior of pwBPD are not always true. I do not know if she will idealize you again.

Do you really accept that it is over?

[guy4caligirl]

Well , I posted that today knowing that I would get lots of help .

Thank you all for the kind words , I know you feel with me you live it everyday .

Yes I do love this girl , I feel like I can help her because I want to , in the same token I understand what I am going to face , I am up and down with my feelings I really am , I am not in pain like I use to be I am out of the fog , I know her illness made her act , split me black , that's is her . I feel I can do a better job coping with her illness and get treatments .

She knows I care no matter what she tells me . I made my mistakes but willing to make it up .

But the decision lays in her hands not mine let's see if she texts back I will keep you informed I sent her a text about my son's and said if you would like to see his first solo flight on you tube "our only son that you helped raise "He was 10 now 16 , you can say I just wanted to feel her out and see ... .She is the kind of low functioning BPD no job no money , but I don't forget that she survived and will also survive.

Man life is sometimes hard but I am who I am I do NOT give up easy .

No more texting until she responds .

I really don't know what i would have done without you my friends here, thank you all for your support and happy holidays for all of you hope your wishes all come true with them or without them , after all it's an individual base choice         

[guy4caligirl]

Do you really accept that it is over?

In reality yes I do accept that's over , she still occupies the penthouse in my heart ,but I am hanging in there not in pain but in hope , if it comes to I,t I will deal with it then with a open mind and no fog . 4 months ago I would have walked 600 miles to go get her now I will fly her down 

[Splitblack4good]

Do you think my ex is ever gona paint me white again after all the above ? sorry to laugh if I don't il cry (not really ) I just don't get why she is still even now trying to slag me off ? I've told her I except it's over after trying to sort it out . She got what she wants why ignore/silent treatment ? I think I'm likely to be splitblack4good !

I cannot answer that because, everyone, including pwBPD, has individual traits/characteristics.  Individuality is a factor and generalizations about the behavior of pwBPD are not always true. I do not know if she will idealize you again.

Do you really accept that it is over?

Yes unfortunately I do . Not because she is with my replacement  but we recycled 2/3 times and she always said I never spent enough time with her witch to an extent is true . It's easy to think or blame her for saying that as she has BPD however I do remember times when I got abit complacent and ignored her plus I made lots of mistakes that you should never make with a BPD person like I kept bringing up one of her mistakes that hurt me in the  past in an argument made her feel like I couldn't forgive her or forget second biggest mistake I started shouting at her and getting angry to the point I threw things in anger towards the last 2 months of our relationship that's not good because they always remember negative bad things that happened towards the end so much so she said I had changed not the same person I was years ago and she is scared of me now.it was only out of frustraightsion with her and I shouldn't of done it but was hard not to .That said if I had of given her all the attention she did want would that of ever been enough ? She kept telling then when I did do that things started to go really well she was really happy we both were . Then out of nowhere she started goin out with new group of freinds and neglectede and her kids that's how the argument started . Then decided a break it was mutuel how ever Abandonment fear kicked in for her as feelings equal facts . Next day she started false accusations against me I lost it and ended it so unbeknown to me at the time gave her a double hit of abandoent fears and treated that as I planned the break up on purpose . Again feelings equal facts for the boarderline. To late by then to reconcile . Bit that does conffuse Me tho and always will is she was devaluing me before this ? So why all the abandonment issues ? I can only imagine I hurt her to deeply to ever be painted white again . She I beleive is never coming back based on the above and how scared she is of me now I don't think she will ever forgive me so sadly yes I have to except it's over .

[EaglesJuju]

Bit that does conffuse Me tho and always will is she was devaluing me before this ? So why all the abandonment issues ? I can only imagine I hurt her to deeply to ever be painted white again .

I understand that the behavior of a pwBPD is confusing. Also, I understand your concern for wanting her to "paint you white" again.  I think that relates to our need for a pwBPD to provide validation/closure/explanation.  I think it is great that you acknowledge your role in the relationship. I understand the need to focus on your ex's behavior.  Have you thought about focusing on you?  

[Splitblack4good]

Bit that does conffuse Me tho and always will is she was devaluing me before this ? So why all the abandonment issues ? I can only imagine I hurt her to deeply to ever be painted white again .

I understand that the behavior of a pwBPD is confusing. Also, I understand your concern for wanting her to "paint you white" again.  I think that relates to our need for a pwBPD to provide validation/closure/explanation.  I think it is great that you acknowledge your role in the relationship. I understand the need to focus on your ex's behavior.  Have you thought about focusing on you?  

Yes I have been working on myself since the Break up I'm doing things I neglected hobbies etc it was hard being with her due to my work commitments then making time for my freinds and family and I just felt so tired all the time all she used to say was everyone and everything came before her witch to a boarderline would seem true but in reality it was not the case . Working doing paperwork playing with her kids family freinds it was hard juggling all that . The moments and time spent with her was never enough it did get me down in the end she could never understand . My replacement is non employed drug dealer who has just come out of prison for gbh ! He spends 98% of his time with her witch in comparison to what she remembers with me not giving her time makes it harder for her to want to come back I'm really up against it . Do another reason I have to except it's over.

[Splitblack4good]

How ever I know she is hurting aswell the last call I got from her although she said it is over I could hear the upset in her voice . I think she did love me but it got to much for her aswell she even said when I asked her why did you say you loved me right up until the day we decided on a break to then say you do not love me anymore ? She said she wanted it to work but she lost more and more love for me theirs I shouted at her ! How much of this is true i dont know as she is boaderline and they are confusing in a way I'm an lucky I got at least some form of closure still confusing none the less .so it seemed by the tone of her voice it is easier to move on with my replacement although she knows deep down he is no good for her she knew him for 4 hours as he was homeless due to coming out of prison a week before meeting him she let him move in ! I'm only guessing it was lack of impulse control and her only option so she took it she is that frightend of being Alone. I know they have been arguing already but I truly beleive she will stay with him recycle him many times till she finds another replacement I do not think she will ever come back to me . However she has left her phone unblocked to me and lied to her freinds she told them she deleted my number so maybe she is trying to tell me something ? Who knows ? And she also has some of my things that she is ignoring to give back so maybe another hint .

[Targeted]

Split,

Same thing with mine, she always complained that she was not first in my life, she would complain if I had to do something with my children and she had another agenda that I did not choose her agenda above my children, I remember one evening we were supposed to be together but mobile phone needed to be fixed and I had to go out of my way to the shop to have that done so I was going to be very late, to her that meant my mobile phone was more important to me and she was and she threw that in my face for two years, if I was talking to her on the phone and one of my buddies called and I asked her to hold on for a minute so I can answer this call to her that meant he was more important than she was, kind of funny because she would remember these things and then saying whenever she got mad how I chose a man over her!  Lol.  Crazy!  Do you think this guy that is with your ex right now being with her 98% of the time is going to be what she really wants and it will work?   I would not worry about it, engulfment is just as damaging to the relationship as abandonment.

[Splitblack4good]

Split,

Same thing with mine, she always complained that she was not first in my life, she would complain if I had to do something with my children and she had another agenda that I did not choose her agenda above my children, I remember one evening we were supposed to be together but mobile phone needed to be fixed and I had to go out of my way to the shop to have that done so I was going to be very late, to her that meant my mobile phone was more important to me and she was and she threw that in my face for two years, if I was talking to her on the phone and one of my buddies called and I asked her to hold on for a minute so I can answer this call to her that meant he was more important than she was, kind of funny because she would remember these things and then saying whenever she got mad how I chose a man over her!  Lol.  Crazy!  Do you think this guy that is with your ex right now being with her 98% of the time is going to be what she really wants and it will work?   I would not worry about it, engulfment is just as damaging to the relationship as abandonment.

Thanks targeted I'm so glad your ex and mine are so similar that does make me feel a little better and not so hard on myself . All I know is she seems to be loving all the attention he can give her over what I could and they go out most weekends having fun when her kids are at ther nans all weekend . She loves goin out partying at weekends with him he in her eyes is more exciting than me and is meeting her needs more than I did .

[EaglesJuju]

In reality yes I do accept that's over , she still occupies the penthouse in my heart ,but I am hanging in there not in pain but in hope , if it comes to I,t I will deal with it then with a open mind and no fog . 4 months ago I would have walked 600 miles to go get her now I will fly her down 

I know it is hard to be internally conflicted.  Your head tells you one thing and then your heart says another.   .

There are aspects of my situation that are similar to yours.  When my pwBPD left, I was conflicted.  I was angry, sad, and hurt, at the same time.  In the beginning, it was really hard for me.  He was trying to push me away and had minimal contact.  The majority of the contact we had was unpleasant. It was unpleasant because, I was expecting him to provide me with some type of validation.  In retrospect, that was foolish of me to think that while he was severely dysregulating.  

Ultimately, I was faced with two decisions: waiting around for him to reach out or to take some time to heal. I decided that going NC would help me clear my thoughts, heal, and to get out of the FOG.  Regardless of the decision I was making, I needed to be in a good place mentally. So, I started focusing on my core issues of dependency and fear of abandonment. I learned that I did not have to put my own life on hold.  I did that before and it did not help myself or the relationship.  

I started recognizing how my own behavior contributed to my relationship.  Focusing on my own behavior, helped me gain a different perspective. After some work, I was able to make a decision.    

[Deeno02]

Split,

Same thing with mine, she always complained that she was not first in my life, she would complain if I had to do something with my children and she had another agenda that I did not choose her agenda above my children, I remember one evening we were supposed to be together but mobile phone needed to be fixed and I had to go out of my way to the shop to have that done so I was going to be very late, to her that meant my mobile phone was more important to me and she was and she threw that in my face for two years, if I was talking to her on the phone and one of my buddies called and I asked her to hold on for a minute so I can answer this call to her that meant he was more important than she was, kind of funny because she would remember these things and then saying whenever she got mad how I chose a man over her!  Lol.  Crazy!  :)o you think this guy that is with your ex right now being with her 98% of the time is going to be what she really wants and it will work?   I would not worry about it, engulfment is just as damaging to the relationship as abandonment.

And this is another reason why I cant have the crazy in my life. I devoted myself to her and her 5 kids. Plus my 2. When it started to go down hill, she started cutting my daughter out of her life. My daughter loved her as a mother. My son loved her too and not only that, she was he volleyball coach. She became jealous of my daughter taking time away from her when my daughter moved back home to attend a closer college. Her and her toxic neighbor friend of hers called my daughter a cock block. Said it to my face and then stood there and asked if I had a problem with that. I said nothing. Father failure right there. I dont forgive myself for not throwing that witch out then and there. I was up front with her about me having 50% custody. She had her kids all the time, except for 2 weekends a month.

Further on, she made comments about my daughter and even going as far as to call her my wife! This coming from a mother of 5 kids, one of whom is an 8 year old girl. Would she condone someone calling her kids names? Especially someone shes in an r/s with? I never said a damn thing about her kids when they were crawling all over us when we tried being alone, or trying to make love in a damn bathroom as thats the only time we may have had to be intimate, or constant calls to her on date night asking when we were coming home, running to her house for sick kids, asking me to talk to her eldest who was in trouble alot at school, etc. etc. Never said a damn word. Oh, and this is on top of helping her with her schedule of carting them around to sleep overs and soccer games and football practices. Spending hours with her autistic son teaching him to tie his shoes and getting him into football were he thrived and made friends. All this and she has the balls to tell me how much I think her and the kids are pains in the asses to me and I could be doing something better with my time then be with them. That killed me.

In short, if they dont accept you and your kids, they have no business in your life. Its a package deal. THAT wont ever happen again.

[guy4caligirl]

We all talk here about focusing about ourselves , ok I understand that , we or most of us had relationships with non .

This is a different situation being with an ex that she is BPD .

Now I understand the theory about looking deep in ourselves , I di and I still do .

I grew up in a catholic home my parents talked me what 's right and what's wrong , I fear god so I do my best to live fairly and respect others . That been said , we encounter a mentally ill person we fell in love , did we choose that no , you can't choose love it's just happens .

Therefore we as non , had experienced  something that is totally against our principals by choice not forced in it .

Looking back before we met them we were fine most of the life time , they came in made us partners in their chaos .

I think time will heal everything , Time is the best medicine  for this period . Don't complicate your life and look deep in your soul to see why did that happen .Period . It did , do as you like feel like you want recycle if you want , and remember you ARE not the one who is Mentally ill you fell in love with one that's the price we pay .

Again time, time, time, if you think a little harder and it wasn't your first break up . That's why I don't care much about LC NC or whatever it doesn't work for me . maybe someone else ok no problem , I think we have to feel what we want to feel at any time of this long process be who you are don't fool yourself as BPD do .

It will get much easier , they are all painful it's a lost of someone dear to you , but here you are again in the same situation but this one has more trauma to it .

Just remember who you are and if you are here because you are a great person !if you weren't you will spending your time Effing someone else .

[Splitblack4good]

I guess I'm struggling the most with is her comments she made whilst we were together like I just want you to be happy ! I dont know what made her think I wasnt ? Was me returning after every big argument not enough to show her I loved her and I was happy ? .

Every massive argument I would leave to let her cool down . Then I get told I give up to easily the next day due to leaving when she raged ! Any body else get something similar said ? .

I gave everything and got nothing in return !

[guy4caligirl]

... .Let me add this .

I texted her sweet texts only wish her to remain Blissfully Happy just like she told me , if she text back which is I would love to but if she doesn't  there is nothing that I can do , I don't want to fight my urges it hurts me if I do so why hurt it makes happy to text response or silent , I did what I wanted to do , 2 to 5 texts every once in a while won't prevent her from being '"BLISSFULLY " happy just like she said even though she might be very sad who knows  .

It's just sad very sad to see a loved one go on with life in the same loosing pattern ,she needs treatments on her own time .

[Splitblack4good]

Deeno interesting what you say about the kids . My ex has 4 and 1 has global development disorder autistic . When my ex was with her ex before me he had 2 children my ex used to start arguments over his kids ! All I can assume is his kids were getting more atention then hers ! She loved the fact I did not have kids so all my atention went on them and her .They were always arguing over it caused by her. Now my replacement has a son so this should be interesting !

[guy4caligirl]

Splitblack 4good

Let me ask you this , do you think you would have met her if she was happy with her ex ?

No , she would not have been looking to date , she was unhappy before you met her and she sadly will always be .

I know my ex was married to a young engineer gave her the world she messed him up like she did me now thinking about it as I type , she then after multiple bad judgments on her part ended up with me she hasn't produce a penny in 5 years I took care of everything , now she is sleeping on a single bed with a bad mattress sharing a room in a downtown big cold city don't even have money for toiletry how about her medicine ?

What is that all about ?

They were ill before we met them , we fell in love it's life .

[Deeno02]

... .Let me add this .

I texted her sweet texts only wish her to remain Blissfully Happy just like she told me , if she text back which is I would love to but if she doesn't  there is nothing that I can do , I don't want to fight my urges it hurts me if I do so why hurt it makes happy to text response or silent , I did what I wanted to do , 2 to 5 texts every once in a while won't prevent her from being '"BLISSFULLY " happy just like she said even though she might be very sad who knows  .

It's just sad very sad to see a loved one go on with life in the same loosing pattern ,she needs treatments on her own time .

Thats why I dont bother anymore. Im my most important person. Not her. Im realizing I cant take care of anyone unless I take care of myself. My ex/gf is just going to have to find her own way. Maybe the replacement can fix her, maybe not. But its not my problem anymore... .at all. Me first.

[Splitblack4good]

Splitblack 4good

Let me ask you this , do you think you would have met her if she was happy with her ex ?

No , she would not have been looking to date , she was unhappy before you met her and she sadly will always be .

I know my ex was married to a young engineer gave her the world she messed him up like she did me now thinking about it as I type , she then after multiple bad judgments on her part ended up with me she hasn't produce a penny in 5 years I took care of everything , now she is sleeping on a single bed with a bad mattress sharing a room in a downtown big cold city don't even have money for toiletry how about her medicine ?

What is that all about ?

They were ill before we met them , we fell in love it's life .

Why do they not see that ther decisions are bad ? Why do they not see when they have it good ? And go about self destruction like they do ? My ex back in the summer after we broke up from our second recycle went into major depression and got so hooked on drugs and nearly killed herself because of it . When I asked her why she said it was the only thing that took her pain away and made her forget . To start with I thought she was talking about me but I realise it wasn't anything to do with me she was talking about her core trauma and emptiness .

[EaglesJuju]

Why do they not see that ther decisions are bad ? Why do they not see when they have it good ? And go about self destruction like they do ?

PwBPD tend to be impulsive and live in the moment.  They rarely think about consequences for their actions/behavior. As a result of their impulsivity, a lot of their behavior is self-destructive.  My pwBPD has even said that he is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

PwBPD have cognitive distortions and live in fear of abandonment/rejection.  Essentially, they are almost waiting for something bad to happen, even though nothing bad may happen. 

[guy4caligirl]

"Something bad to happen "

Can you please give us an example ?

Does that fall under of their assumption that they might die at an early age ?

[EaglesJuju]

"Something bad to happen "

Can you please give us an example ?

PwBPD have abandonment fears and fears of rejection.  They tend to associate abandonment as them being "bad."  Therefore, pwBPD tend to think that you are eventually going to leave them.  For example, my pwBPD refers to himself as a "bad person and unworthy of love."  His self-loathing and negative thoughts, set him up to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  He thinks that I will eventually reject him or leave him.

[Splitblack4good]

Why do they not see that ther decisions are bad ? Why do they not see when they have it good ? And go about self destruction like they do ?

PwBPD tend to be impulsive and live in the moment.  They rarely think about consequences for their actions/behavior. As a result of their impulsivity, a lot of their behavior is self-destructive.  My pwBPD has even said that he is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

PwBPD have cognitive distortions and live in fear of abandonment/rejection.  Essentially, they are almost waiting for something bad to happen, even though nothing bad may happen. 

I often think now that I know more about BPD than I ever did ther were situations I could of prevented . But have come to realise unless she gets treatment she will only stay the same and our relationship would of ended anyway . It just would of possibly lasted abit longer . So what your saying although my ex says she's happy with my replacement she really isnt ? She is just telling herself she is at the moment but then she knows it's only going to end eventualy ? And he's better than me at the moment because all she's thinking of is how bad I am due to the shouting etc but he's not done that yet . Funny thing is i remember her saying once all the men in my life end up shouting at me but she thought I was different but turned out to be like all the rest. Why do they truly beleive it's not them but everyone else ?

Deep down and in one moment of reality my ex had the day we decided a break she even looked at me and said "I know its me that drives prople away" at first thought well if she knows why do it but she cant change it she's BPD.

[Splitblack4good]

"Something bad to happen "

Can you please give us an example ?

PwBPD have abandonment fears and fears of rejection.  They tend to associate abandonment as them being "bad."  Therefore, pwBPD tend to think that you are eventually going to leave them.  For example, my pwBPD refers to himself as a "bad person and unworthy of love."  His self-loathing and negative thoughts, set him up to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  He thinks that I will eventually reject him or leave him.

Self hating my ex felt this a lot its not until now I'm out of the FOG the things she said regualy makes sense now, like "I'm not enough for you "  "I was never good enough for you" and "I tried but I failed" makes perfect sense to what you just said above .i guess all the reassurances in the world would never be enough ? I wish sometimes I reassured her more but then would I be prolonging the inevitable ? It's days like this I miss her the most and beat myself up for not knowing about her illness when I was with her .

[EaglesJuju]

So what your saying although my ex says she's happy with my replacement she really isnt ? She is just telling herself she is at the moment but then she knows it's only going to end eventually ? And he's better than me at the moment because all she's thinking of is how bad I am due to the shouting etc but he's not done that yet .  Why do they truly believe it's not them but everyone else ?

It is more than likely that she is not happy with the replacement. Yes, the replacement is being idealized while you are being devalued.  To answer the last question, it is easier for most people to not accept responsibility or blame for their own behavior.  From a BPD perspective, it is a maladaptive coping technique to avoid their already existing intense feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, and hurt.   

[Xidion]

Split, in my experience. My ex told me she loved me in the same conversation that she said she was leaving me. She brought up things from over a year before that I thought we had moved past. She left a 3 year relationship for me... I was the replacement to that relationship (stupid me). She idealized me and fell in love with me VERY fast. I had just got out of a relationship, so I was very receptive to all she through at me... it felt amazing to be loved so quickly and so intensely. I'm now looking on as she is doing the same with my replacement. It's only been 6 weeks and they are openly sharing how amazing they are all over facebook. The more intense it is for the BPD at the beginning, the easier it is for things to fail, imo. All the replacement has to do is slip up a few times from being perfect (which will inevitably happen) and they start getting devalued. I talked to the guy before me, and he said that she texted him a few times while her and I were together. Probably when she started devaluing me. He had already moved on with someone else, though. I keep thinking that I would take her back, but really... I think I'm waiting for her to contact be just for validation. In reality, I would not want to subject myself to more heartbreak. The replacement isn't better than us, it is a new warm body that is keeping their fears of abandonment away for now. Once the honeymoon phase ends and the relationship starts to turn "normal", the BPD will start to think that A. they are galling out of love with the non, or B. The non is falling out of love with them. My ex told me that she loved me, but she had lost love... but this is common in all relationships. It isn't a loss of love, it's the loss of the intensity after the honeymoon phase. BPD sufferers mistake this for falling out of love, which triggers their abandonment fears, so they line up a replacement and jump ship.

[Splitblack4good]

Split, in my experience. My ex told me she loved me in the same conversation that she said she was leaving me. She brought up things from over a year before that I thought we had moved past. She left a 3 year relationship for me... I was the replacement to that relationship (stupid me). She idealized me and fell in love with me VERY fast. I had just got out of a relationship, so I was very receptive to all she through at me... it felt amazing to be loved so quickly and so intensely. I'm now looking on as she is doing the same with my replacement. It's only been 6 weeks and they are openly sharing how amazing they are all over facebook. The more intense it is for the BPD at the beginning, the easier it is for things to fail, imo. All the replacement has to do is slip up a few times from being perfect (which will inevitably happen) and they start getting devalued. I talked to the guy before me, and he said that she texted him a few times while her and I were together. Probably when she started devaluing me. He had already moved on with someone else, though. I keep thinking that I would take her back, but really... I think I'm waiting for her to contact be just for validation. In reality, I would not want to subject myself to more heartbreak. The replacement isn't better than us, it is a new warm body that is keeping their fears of abandonment away for now. Once the honeymoon phase ends and the relationship starts to turn "normal", the BPD will start to think that A. they are galling out of love with the non, or B. The non is falling out of love with them. My ex told me that she loved me, but she had lost love... but this is common in all relationships. It isn't a loss of love, it's the loss of the intensity after the honeymoon phase. BPD sufferers mistake this for falling out of love, which triggers their abandonment fears, so they line up a replacement and jump ship.

So what happens when ther isn't a replacement ? Do they stay and put up with who they are with ? Thats if the person hasn't bolted and doesnt want anything to do with them. Then that's when the exes phone number comes into play I guess and they try to recycle .

[Aussie JJ]

I think something here we have to look at is ourselves not the pwBPD that WAS in our lives... .

I'm linking one of the workshops below, hopefully this will help others as it helped me.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114232.0

I like to say in regards to the triangulation aspect that occurs, I am not a victim, I am not a Persecutor and I am not a Rescuer.  I am AJJ and I will do what feels right for me and act on my values without intentionally hurting, demeaning or inflicting pain on others.  I am happy to be that person that behaves that way.  

I had a tendency to not accept responsibility for my own actions.  Just as a pwBPD owns their life, destiny and choices.  We own our destiny, choices and lives.  it is OURS, I am not going to let someone take it from me.  That is what I let happen.  Re-phrase the thinking here to I allowed instead of she did... .

What are you going to allow going forward.  What texts do you want in your life, how much contact do you need with your EX partner to move forward.  It is your life, your choice.  What is a healthy choice for you.  

Took me ages to step back and see this.  It's painful working through our own roles.  For a pwBPD they have the same pain however 10 fold.  Have compassion for that pain that they have and hope that one day they find the strength to address their issues.  At the moment, our EX's partners have a new partner and those issues are the new partners problem not your problem.  My problem is me, not her any more.  Even in the relationship, my problem was what I ALLOWED not what she did... .

Thoughts everyone... . A little direct however I'll lay out a flaw I have that I don't like, it has effected me for ages, I am making a choice to change it.  

AJJ's dysfunctional thought or behaviour:

I have always accepted what others have said about me, I haven't questioned those thoughts or opinions, I haven't challenged them I have let them be.  I have taken others words, perceived them as truths and allowed them to influence my opinion about me.  


AJJ.  

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

BPD doesn't break for Christmas     

[misty_red]

Even though they are suffering from a mental illness I would respect their wish to not contact them. After all they are human beings. Just imagine someone not BPD telling you to leave them alone. Would you still try to contact them even though they said no? It doesn't matter if the BPD didn't respect our boundaries. It's not about paying like with like. I know you are hurting and I wanted my exBPDgf to respond to me so badly as well. But she never did and I stopped. I respected her boundaries even though she now doesn't respect mine. It doesn't matter. She's not able to but I am and therefore I do it.

I hope I'm not too harsh here and if it comes along like that I'm sorry. But remember: we are able to respect boundaries, we are able to control our emotions, they aren't. They not respecting our boundaries doesn't justify us doing the same to them. Just be glad you are not suffering from BPD. It's bad enough for them. I grew up with two BPDs, they are suffering. And no, I'm not justifying their behaviour towards us, not at all. But we have a choice, they mostly act on impulse. We should take the choice to leave them alone.

If she doesn't want to respond she simply doesn't. The reason doesn't matter.

[going places]

My intention is not to be 'bitter or full of rage' but VERY matter of fact.


Forgiveness is for you.

YOU forgive them for what they did, in YOUR heart and mind, and move on.

THEY have no part to play in true forgiveness.

The holidays have nothing to do with forgiveness.

It's just an emotional trigger.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with emotions.

It is a logical and healthy thing to do.

NOT some warm fuzzy thing that makes you feel good.

It's the right thing to do (and if you are a Believer, it is Commanded)

Silent treatment has a couple of reasons.

1. They don't want to talk to you, they have other things / people to do, and they don't want to talk to you.

They have moved on, and they don't care.

2. It is a form of abuse, control, manipulation. It's too keep you on the hook, keep you at arms length, keeps you as a great plan B option. It's a way to 'punish' you, beat you down so that if they asked, you'd sell your soul for whatever they wanted out of you... .silent treatment is cruel, and abusive.

YOU are worth MORE than this abuse.

Do not allow someone to treat you like this.

[CloseToFreedom]

I tried to get in contact a well, and was constantly ignored. Its no use. You'll only feel worse after trying and failing again. Past successes aren't a guarantee this time.

[whythisgirl]

Take it from someone who got them to finally respond after weeks of NC. "STAY NC!". I forgave we were good for 6 days and the idiot went back to his disrespectful non caring ways. As of Fri. we are back to NC. He has no regards for my feeling. I'm am so over him its not funny. Its the holidays and I rather have peace than chaos. Stay away if you want to be happy and come into a blissful New Year.

[peiper]

Stay no contact and she will probably reach out to you. Why do you want back in the fire though ? These people don't change. I can say that from experience. After her splitting me and moving out six times and my letting her come home it always went back to more of the same. The only thing that changed was the abuse escalated.

[whythisgirl]

My intention is not to be 'bitter or full of rage' but VERY matter of fact.


Forgiveness is for you.

YOU forgive them for what they did, in YOUR heart and mind, and move on.

THEY have no part to play in true forgiveness.

The holidays have nothing to do with forgiveness.

It's just an emotional trigger.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with emotions.

It is a logical and healthy thing to do.

NOT some warm fuzzy thing that makes you feel good.

It's the right thing to do (and if you are a Believer, it is Commanded)

Silent treatment has a couple of reasons.

1. They don't want to talk to you, they have other things / people to do, and they don't want to talk to you.

They have moved on, and they don't care.

2. It is a form of abuse, control, manipulation. It's too keep you on the hook, keep you at arms length, keeps you as a great plan B option. It's a way to 'punish' you, beat you down so that if they asked, you'd sell your soul for whatever they wanted out of you... .silent treatment is cruel, and abusive.

YOU are worth MORE than this abuse.

Do not allow someone to treat you like this.

Nicely stated! Totally agree!

[whythisgirl]

BPD doesn't break for Christmas     

Agree!

[Ripped Heart]

In answer to the original title, you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do, BPD or not.

The only person you have any control over is yourself so take this time to enjoy being you and do the things you want to do. It's already been stated below, forgiveness comes from within and is only for you.

Give yourself an early Christmas present this year and allow the abuse of you to stop 

[guy4caligirl]

I was NC for 12 days. Started texting her on Saturday, a few , a day , nice kind words like come back home,  etc.

My last text today I said "I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost"

Few seconds I get this text "I have not responded to you ever since you wished me to experience a broken heart, you were beyond ugly , and that is unacceptable to me"

I said, "I was mad like you are mad now I am sorry, and I love you".

She said "I'm m not mad now, I've moved on ,as should you, and no you never truly did love me, you simply want what you can't have.  I'm taking a nap.  I've  been sick hope all is well."

Please your input on this, is important for me.

Yes, I want to give it another chance as we each have a unique situation.

Now every time I text and I get silent treatment from her.

Why is it that she always respond after I say I want to let go now ?

[jammo1989]

Here is what happened to me today what do you all think ?

I was in  NC for 12 days started texting her on Saturday , a few , a day ,nice kind words like come back home etc  .

My last text today When I said" I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost ."

Few seconds I get this text

" I have not responded to you ever since you wished me to experience a broken heart , you were beyond ugly , and that is unacceptable to me "

"I was mad like you are mad now I am sorry  , and I love you "I replied .

She said "I'm m not mad now ,I 've moved on , as should you , and no you never truly did love me, you simply want what you can't have , I'm taking a nap ,I've  been sick hope all is well    "

Please your input on this ,is important for me ,yes I want to give it another chance as we each have a unique situation .

Now every time I text and text ST from her

Why is it that she always respond after I say I want to let go now ?

Hey Guys, in my opinion this is what shes doing,  she is playing the victim card, and by playing the victim your empathy rises to the surface, shes basically doing this to manipulate and control your good nature.  For example, I love you but YOU hurt me, she knows by playing the victim you will start to chase her with messages like i love you to, and if you have extremely weak boundaries you will be apologizing for things you haven't done wrong.  What she is doing is dangling a piece of string in front of you and testing to see if you take the bait, she wants your attention, not you, but attention.  I know it hurts but i can assure that this is true, she giving you the typical come here go away behavior, shes basically saying ill talk to you when i need you, hence why she said ive moved on.  She is basically saying i dont NEED you right now but when i do ill let you know, do not be apart of her crazy making script that she has wired deep inside her brain, shes projecting her issues on to you.  I bet she was the one that hurt you, and now shes turning it around on you by playing the victim.  You need to trust me on this one, she is merely putting on a show for you and you are both in the play, she expects you to act out and accept your role in this play, and when you dont shes gone.  Those texts mean NOTHING, she is only doing it so that she can take advantage of you when your weak (showing hr you care)   

[jammo1989]

Hey Guys, in my opinion this is what shes doing,  she is playing the victim card, and by playing the victim your empathy rises to the surface, shes basically doing this to manipulate and control your good nature.  For example, I love you but YOU hurt me, she knows by playing the victim you will start to chase her with messages like i love you to, and if you have extremely weak boundaries you will be apologizing for things you haven't done wrong.  What she is doing is dangling a piece of string in front of you and testing to see if you take the bait, she wants your attention, not you, but attention.  I know it hurts but i can assure that this is true, she giving you the typical come here go away behavior, shes basically saying ill talk to you when i need you, hence why she said ive moved on.  She is basically saying i dont NEED you right now but when i do ill let you know, do not be apart of her crazy making script that she has wired deep inside her brain, shes projecting her issues on to you.  I bet she was the one that hurt you, and now shes turning it around on you by playing the victim.  You need to trust me on this one, she is merely putting on a show for you and you are both in the play, she expects you to act out and accept your role in this play, and when you dont shes gone.  Those texts mean NOTHING, she is only doing it so that she can take advantage of you when your weak (showing hr you care)   

[Splitblack4good]

I was in  NC for 12 days started texting her on Saturday , a few , a day ,nice kind words like come back home etc  .

My last text today When I said" I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost ."

Few seconds I get this text

" I have not responded to you ever since you wished me to experience a broken heart , you were beyond ugly , and that is unacceptable to me "

"I was mad like you are mad now I am sorry  , and I love you "I replied .

She said "I'm m not mad now ,I 've moved on , as should you , and no you never truly did love me, you simply want what you can't have , I'm taking a nap ,I've  been sick hope all is well    "

Please your input on this ,is important for me ,yes I want to give it another chance as we each have a unique situation .

Now every time I text and text ST from her

Why is it that she always respond after I say I want to let go now ?

Most likely can't except it or beleive it.its ther abandonment fear that's why she prob replied. I said the same to my ex 2 weeks after we split and got a phone call telling me to leave her alone so I did went NC then a week later she started texting me hateful stuff now just get silence blocked me on her phone then unblocked me ! Now silence again but unblocked I think that's her way of leaving the door open if she wants to come back later once it all goes wrong with my replacement.

[NonAverageJoe]

If you hadn't of been clingy she'd have left you for not giving her enough attention and having your own life.

There is no chance at a healthy relationship with an unrecovered borderline.

[Ripped Heart]

It sounds like you reaffirm her thoughts and feelings each time you do that and also, it shows from your message who truly has the control.

I'm assuming from your message, it's not the first time you have told her you are letting go and each time, she replies, you respond straight back which just takes you around in circles.

You're being clingy. It's not attractive to her. The more you move toward her the further she backs away.  It's hman nature.

Skip

Couldn't agree with this quote more from Skip having been there over the past couple of months. I've been through difficulties and "needed" to lean on my gf for support. However, all it managed to do was push her further away, the more distant she got, the more I chased and the more things started to fall apart.

Take yourself out the situation and deal with your own issue and things fall back into place. The past couple of weeks, I just sent her the occasional text to she how she was, made it all about her and her feelings and got on with my own life. Day by day, she started becoming more approachable and things gradually balanced out. It still hurts, it's still frustrating but those are my feelings and I'm the only one who can deal with them.

Likewise, when I found out she was on about ending the r/s but felt guilty doing so, my approach was slightly different to yours. I let her know I cared about her and her happiness and that as much as I wanted her in my life, I also didn't want to stand in the way of her happiness. So if she wanted to walk away, I didn't want her to feel any guilt and that the door was open for her to leave.

It made all the difference. When I send her a text, I make it about her, asking how she is feeling and asking how her day is going. Then I just leave it with the ball in her court and get on with my own life. Again, it's extremely difficult and it can be frustrating when you hear nothing but those are your feelings. When gf calls, I answer in a friendly manner, again the focus of the conversation is all about her, I'm not critical that I haven't heard from her all day (she has done that to me before and I've done that to her too but it gets nowhere and can make things worse)

It is rough because relationships should really be 2 way but if this is the path you choose, you have to accept the illness as being part of the r/s, adapt and grow around it but without compromising your own health and well being in the process. It's all about finding that balance

[jammo1989]

Jammo 1989

I agree with what you said I further ask how would you handle this situation I am in ,what would you do if you were me ?

You dont play the game, Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it, so i would strongly suggest you exercise strong boundaries, if you truly want her out of your life you must do the following:

Call her out on her s h i t, tell her i know your playing mind games with me and im not playing them anymore, I was good to you in the relationship and you know it, dont let her know that you hold any doubts.  For example, dont tell her maybe i should have done more, because she will use your weakness against you.  Im not one to advise this because i honestly think that playing with madness is dangerous, but if you wanted to claim a bit of control back, play the same game, let her text you 1st and then dont text back, or say fancy meeting up later then text her saying cant sorry im busy.  By doing this your making her lose her control so she will try harder to hook you again, but i STRONGLY advise AGAINST this approach, because BPDs can be dangerous!

So you either call her out on her s h i t, and when they know you know who they really are (behind her mask) she will run away and may return

play the game, push/ pull (dangerous)

or educate yourself about BPD to the point you feel like you have more control in your life      

[guy4caligirl]

what if I want her back for another chance ?

What should I do ?

[EaglesJuju]

what if I want her back for another chance ?

What should I do ?

Hi guy,

If you want to go that route, I would strongly suggest to do what Skip advised   You need to make that decision first though. 

[Mutt]

Only you can answer that question guy.

I'd like to echo EaglesJuJu

You did it one way.

When things don't work one way it's good to change how we do things.

--Mutt

[guy4caligirl]

Hi Mutt ,

I have listened to one of my best fiends ,and you all ,including Skip and others ,I texted her around  618 pm saying " I hope you feel better soon .Please get plenty of rest ,and I hope you have the greatest of dreams . I love you much and always shall. Good night

And at 857 pm she responded thanks .

[guy4caligirl]

This girl doesn't care about you at all! She responded with one word hours later!

Let me remind you my friend every case is different none are alike good luck to you !

[Mutt]

Guy,

My advice. Do as Skip says.

It's win-win  

You'll walk away with tools (tools you use for you / her and others in life) and dig through what you really want.

Give her space for 6 weeks.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm not insinuating that she's as dastardly ad my ex but she is projecting, deflecting and telling you loud and clear she doesn't want to be with you.

I'm a little agitated right now because I want to give my ex a piece of my mind but it doesn't matter she knows the truth and chooses to deceive herself.

You have to take back your control.

[guy4caligirl]

I'm not insinuating that she's as dastardly ad my ex but she is projecting, deflecting and telling you loud and clear she doesn't want to be with you.

I'm a little agitated right now because I want to give my ex a piece of my mind but it doesn't matter she knows the truth and chooses to deceive herself.

You have to take back your control.

I thank you for your help I post what I feel so I can get a real good advise .

[Infern0]

If you want to talk to her and she's giving you the silent treatment,  the best tactic is to act like not a single ___ is given.

Act like she doesn't exist and before long you'll get a text along the lines of "why do you hate meeeeee"

That's how mine rolls anyway.

[Ripped Heart]

If you want to talk to her and she's giving you the silent treatment,  the best tactic is to act like not a single ___ is given.

Act like she doesn't exist and before long you'll get a text along the lines of "why do you hate meeeeee"

That's how mine rolls anyway.

So very true. I have to admit, over recent months, the more mine pulled away and shut me out, the more I did to try and get close to her. She was angry for no reason and giving me the silent treatment, I would send flowers. It was extremely frustrating because I couldn't figure out what was going wrong and then I found this site 

She told a friend she wanted to end things, I opened the door for her. She cried and said that wasn't what she meant. Tried to build bridges and she backed away. If I text to tell her I loved her or that I missed her, got no response, if I text and asked how her day was, got a response. Gradually it got easier to the point I get up and get on with my life and she is the one to initiate contact.

Sent her a text yesterday to ask how she was and how her day went - got nothing. Left it there and didn't send anything else, first thing she does this morning when she woke up was call to see if I was up and around. It's not a nice way to live, can be very frustrating and hurtful at times. You can end up going to bed with a pit in your stomach wondering if the other person actually cares but sometimes you have to play the game.

I have a crisis, she backs away. She has a crisis, I'm expected to be there for her. Those of us in these kind of r/s have to understand that above all else, the illness is the one with the control.

[guy4caligirl]

So very true , they do think about us the same way we do after all they are human .Illness makes it foggy we should always remember that they can't help but act the way they act nothing against us , after all if they are not ill , I don't think they would have ran in the first place .

My thoughts !

[guy4caligirl]

I don't think so how about you ?

[downwhim]

Yes, I think they move on physically but emotionally no. They wonder off with replacements but until they get treatment they remain 3 year olds doing 3 year old stuff.

Borderlines have so many issues that unless they get help they continue their patterns.

[mrshambles]

This is a loaded question. I agree physically they do. I finally found out my replacement is a guy she dated like 7 years ago for a very short period. I think that they always a piece of you. When you get painted white again they tug. That's just what I've noticed.

[guy4caligirl]

So very true , they do think about us the same way we do after all they are human .Illness makes it foggy we should always remember that they can't help but act the way they act nothing against us , after all if they are not ill , I don't think they would have ran in the first place .

My thoughts !

Spot on, it's something I battle with on a regular basis. When gf makes a nasty comment, she will apologise a couple of hours later usually in tears and explaining that she didn't know where it came from, it was just a feeling she had with no warning or control. If I call her out on something, she is really upset because she isn't like that and that it's the illness.

Where I battle is that if you know something is causing you to do something involuntary, wouldn't you want to seek help in trying to stop it from happening? My gf default is to run and hide herself away for a few days because she would rather run away than work through the issue. She's tried to break it off a couple of times, stating that she is being unfair on me because her words don't match who I am. I'm still here but it is very frustrating. I just think that it's down to the illness but if things progress into next year, I want to work towards getting her better treatment because in my eyes, she deserves happiness and doesn't deserve the pain that comes with it. She knows that and wants to make an effort but wanting to and doing are very different things.

I know we all get to several stages in the process of letting go , what is so  different from a non BPD B/U

The ex non would continue her life we get sad fine , but she's a non , we work that out finally and go on trusting that she will make it on her own okay , good , now in the case of a BPD that we loved and still love dearly we can't act the same way we did with an Ex none here is why as you all know .

How could you get on your life knowing that she will always suffer , the goodness in us caretakers should not cease cause these human being need help of course we should not let go that easy and let the saga continue , fine we have to think about us first , I totally agree ,I spent five years with one , five years , do you know how much effort and sacrifices mum and dad invested in me for five years  my mom and dad , I have a son and I know what it takes , to go back on the topic ,

I want to make a difference in her life , I need patient and practice what Skip and others advised me to do .

I would not be able to release  her of my mind , I choose to help her out when she is ready I will take her to treatment I will make it my goal , it is worth it that's my relation and I choose to be in I want to spend my off work time to save a soul , that's  so dearly close to my heart  , at the end if things get better I can feel that I really accomplished something and It will be one of the reason to live and be content that I made a difference .

In my case that's what I want to do , I will not give up , I will play the game of NC LC as long as it takes , I know now how to play it (Not my choice ) you can't make a blind horse see unless he wants to . Skip I kind of alter that saying a bit if you don't mind         

[rosannadanna]

What is your definition of moving on? It seems obvious that if someone leaves the relationship, they have moved on.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I think they do move on but you will always be there somewhere.  My BPD mother divorced my father over 20 years ago and married another man.  She is still married to this man but is cheating on him with an older man.  According to my father she also tries to sleep with him every now and then.  Crazy

[guy4caligirl]

If someone has told you that they have moved on and you refuse to believe them, is that considered denial?

2010

If I am dealing with a non I will say you're right , but the fact that I'm dealing with a BPD ex for five years I would say , Every case /situation is so different from others... .it's has it's "uniqueness" in a sense, that's why we shouldn't generalize it .

There are millions reasons to stay away . But the heart has the answer .

My thoughts .

[NYMike]

Yes they move on Physically.

Then it's the same old same old for the next people that Co-Sign all her BS.In time they will live what I lived.

Just like she did to her 2 friends that were nice enough to let her stay.She behaved in the same mannor.

Now she is at her sisters and I would think the BPD in her will play out and cause her sister and sisters husband to fight.

It is a sad Disorder that does not Discriminate.She will be on her best behavior until it all starts again.Then she may turn her sister and brother in law black.

The fact is that it is not my problem anymore what she does and who she does.

She wronged me on many levels emotionally,financially,mentally and I have to stay pissed at her and angry or I will get sucked back in.

[Deeno02]

Holy ___. Why do this to yourselves? Please just stop. They have moved on and are in happy mode until this r/s ___s the bed and then on to the next. I'm over 4 months out and yeah, I would love to have her contact me, contact her, be with her, but why would I? I barely survived this 16 months. Seriously, I'm not tolerating this from anyone anymore. Doubt I will forgive her, don't need to. I will fix myself first, I'm the important one not her. She does not matter. What she does, does not matter, who she does it with, does not matter. I'm done with her. Painful? Fu*k yeah it is, but it's my life, not hers, that matters. I matter. She's on her own, or I should say, the new guy is on his own.

[misty_red]

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

Okay, what would you do if someone without BPD would tell you they have moved on and that you should leave them alone? You would believe them, right? If you really want to treat your exBPDgf as other people then do so. Respect and accept that she has moved on. It doesn't matter if she really has or not. You are thinking that she hasn't because of the disorder. Even if you're right there is nothing you can do about it. So treat her as you would treat every other human being telling you they have moved on. Grant her that wish.

I know you are hurting and I was in a place where you are now but it doesn't help. You can't control others. It doesn't matter if they are being honest when telling they have moved on or playing some weird game. If you really love your exBPDgf then think of it this way: every time you try to recycle/get in touch with her again you enable her behaviour. You add more fuel to the flame. No, it's not your fault she's suffering from BPD in the first place but you should leave her alone.

[guy4caligirl]

I am doing what you suggested to me to do Skip , I have listened to you all's comments thank you for your advise I really appreciated it . happy holidays !

[guy4caligirl]

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

That's true Guy. They are people. And on some level, they are owed the same consideration that we would show to any other person. And part of that consideration is respecting it when someone asks you to be left alone. It is possible (even likely) that her feelings are going to change at any moment, but at this given time she's told you that she's not interested in a relationship. And until her feelings do change, you've got to respect that. Is there a chance that you're using her BPD as an excuse to ignore what she's telling

I agree with most of the people on here that suggest taking a step back. You've got to give it some time, and give both of you the space you need. I did a similar thing with my ex. I took a step back, put space between us so we could both heal, and studied up on the staying pages. We didn't get back into a romantic relationship, but we're probably as close to a stable relationship as is possible. Trying to force things is just going to hurt you, her, and your chances at something working in the future. If you are interested in getting back together with her, try and put yourself in her shoes. Would you be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone that didn't respect your requests for space?

Stay strong Guy. This is a tough spot to be in. I know, I've been there. It can get better, but you've got to make sure you're giving yourself time and taking the steps necessary to get to that place. Best luck to you.

Thank you Rise for your kind words .

[hurting300]

Guy, if you will leave her alone for six weeks like skip said it would probably be ok. I'm telling you this right now, I wish the day I came home and discovered her missing i would not have tried calling or texting her. Sure she did drive by's and some stalking. Now eight months later we're still trying to locate her to serve her court papers but I'm no contact. I blocked her on Facebook, changed my number And moved into one of my rental properties. I disappeared too. I know In my heart she is bad and no good for me. Work on yourself buddy. This is painful but it does get better. When she first left i was searching day and night for her. Now I don't. I do not care what or who she does. You have us to vent to.

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Hurting , I really took the advise and put it at  work since yesterday, and started a personal inventory to see why I am acting this way ,I am reading more and will vent if I need to , but this method I was using isn't get me anywhere m believe me it's not a good think when you text and get ignored , I am not going to  contact her anymore .

I asked questions I got answers  , that's what it's all about .

Thank you all and have a Merry Christmas       

[oletimefeelin]

You say every situation is unique.  To me, the real value of these forums here and elsewhere is seeing that these situations are not unique at all.  There are a few factors that are important in my opinion like high-functioning vs low, do you have children together, and is there a drug or alcohol issue.  Nonetheless, you read these forums enough and you realize this stuff is pretty hard wired.  It's really amazing actually.

All that said, if I were trying to get a borderline back I would do exactly the opposite of what you're doing.  They are attracted to indifference.  This whiny, groveling you're doing is going to repulse her.  You need to be strong where she's so weak. 

Disappear and get your stuff together.  Say nothing.  Respond to nothing.  The added benefit here is that you get your own head straight to see where you are at.  What you are doing now will never ever work. 

[hurting300]

Buddy I'm there with you. Mine ignored me too. I loved her so much... .Still do. I took care of this woman and went without for her. Now if she wants me she has to find me. The disorder always wins. My therapist told me I am a great Guy who got crossed with a professional victim. Non BPD girls come back too you know... .She'll make a come back. Just let her go.

[hurting300]

You say every situation is unique.  To me, the real value of these forums here and elsewhere is seeing that these situations are not unique at all.  There are a few factors that are important in my opinion like high-functioning vs low, do you have children together, and is there a drug or alcohol issue.  Nonetheless, you read these forums enough and you realize this stuff is pretty hard wired.  It's really amazing actually.

All that said, if I were trying to get a borderline back I would do exactly the opposite of what you're doing.  They are attracted to indifference.  This whiny, groveling you're doing is going to repulse her.  You need to be strong where she's so weak. 

Disappear and get your stuff together.  Say nothing.  Respond to nothing.  The added benefit here is that you get your own head straight to see where you are at.  What you are doing now will never ever work. 

also you have to look at if they overlapping issues. Mine is more anti social. Which makes it worse.

[guy4caligirl]

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

Okay, what would you do if someone without BPD would tell you they have moved on and that you should leave them alone? You would believe them, right? If you really want to treat your exBPDgf as other people then do so. Respect and accept that she has moved on. It doesn't matter if she really has or not. You are thinking that she hasn't because of the disorder. Even if you're right there is nothing you can do about it. So treat her as you would treat every other human being telling you they have moved on. Grant her that wish.

I know you are hurting and I was in a place where you are now but it doesn't help. You can't control others. It doesn't matter if they are being honest when telling they have moved on or playing some weird game. If you really love your exBPDgf then think of it this way: every time you try to recycle/get in touch with her again you enable her behaviour. You add more fuel to the flame. No, it's not your fault she's suffering from BPD in the first place but you should leave her alone.

MY goal is:

I want her to get normal days... .When I saw Her cry most of the time saying , "I just want to feel normal "

One day when she decides to seek  treatment , I will be beside every step of the way .

[Aussie JJ]

I want to live my life and love my life. 

When friends or foes ask for help I will always be that person I know I am and help to the best of my ability. 

I wont let people stop me from being that person, I will earn my own respect before I try to earn others.  If I can respect my actions so can they. 

[Deeno02]

I want to live my life and love my life. 

When friends or foes ask for help I will always be that person I know I am and help to the best of my ability. 

I wont let people stop me from being that person, I will earn my own respect before I try to earn others.  If I can respect my actions so can they. 

Very honorable. While there is nothing I wouldnt do for anyone at any time (my core problem, ), Im not going out looking for it any longer. I cant. No contact is just that, no contact. If for some reason she needed help, of course i would help, but im keeping my distance. Its safer for me to do so while I heal.

[BorisAcusio]

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.

[Blimblam]

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.

Lol you see I don't think it's impossible to maintain a long term relationship with a pwBPD but learning all that would be good for healing anyway.

[guy4caligirl]

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Very funny but nicely put .

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.

Funny How when I always said every case on here is unique , I hope members see what I mean , I am good being on my own ,I am fine with myself , my treasure is having a son that already a pilot at 16 , I have a lot to look forward for and be thankful ,you all too , I did NOT allow her destroy who I am or yet my spirit of good will , yes I have my issues and who doesn't ? I will listen to the board advice definitely specially going NC or LC and improve my communication skills of validating her thoughts and respect her boundaries ,best of all I know my ex she wasn't the cheater type she fought for us to stay together , she loves what I do for living and was involved in my business and still misses it ,we planed our break up for years she never just left suddenly we both were at an agreement .

Just after I heard her saying when she got to her state where she moved from that it's over don't contact me anymore I got hit with the reality of loosing her , she stayed in town for 3 days so I can tell her come back I didn't , and here I am still fighting for her and I, to heal together , I pray that would happen . I am still sticking with the leaving board just in case it doesn't happen . Cheers to you all          

[ucmeicu2]

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding (and well documented).

it's even difficult for therapists to get a good handle on Dx'ing it, to truly see behind 'the mask",  b/c the Cluster B's lie/manipulate/deceive so much and so well.  initially pwBPD play The Victim and get huge amts of N-supply from therapists.  until they don't.  then when therapists starts seeing behind The Mask, pwBPD get scared, they quit and go find a new victim therapist.  just like they do in r/s's with Nons, idealize/devalue/discard go find another victim lover.  lather, rinse, repeat.

and that's if a pwBPD can even find a therapist that will treat them.  the small percentage of therapists that do treat BPD seem to keep it to a low percentage of their total patients AND the therapists themselves need to get therapy/group meetings to debrief/decontaminate/recover from their contact w/BPD!  this is serious stuff, people!  think about it... .if therapists avoid pwBPD and need therapy themselves, that should be a ginormous clue that us Average Joe's probably don't stand a chance.

i had to get therapy during my r/s w/my xBPDgf.   and my own therapist ~ of whom 1 of her specialities is BPD(!) ~ told me pwBPD can be dangerous, can be homicidal, and to RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!  

good advice.  unheeded, but good advice.  

icu2

Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it

[Deeno02]

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- a lot of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident, but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they will admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding (and well documented).

it's even difficult for therapists to get a good handle on Dx'ing it, to truly see behind 'the mask",  b/c the Cluster B's lie/manipulate/deceive so much and so well.  initially pwBPD play The Victim and get huge amts of N-supply from therapists.  until they don't.  then when therapists starts seeing behind The Mask, pwBPD get scared, they quit and go find a new victim therapist.  just like they do in r/s's with Nons, idealize/devalue/discard go find another victim lover.  lather, rinse, repeat.

and that's if a pwBPD can even find a therapist that will treat them.  the small percentage of therapists that do treat BPD seem to keep it to a low percentage of their total patients AND the therapists themselves need to get therapy/group meetings to debrief/decontaminate/recover from their contact w/BPD!  this is serious stuff, people!  think about it... .if therapists avoid pwBPD and need therapy themselves, that should be a ginormous clue that us Average Joe's probably don't stand a chance.

i had to get therapy during my r/s w/my xBPDgf.   and my own therapist ~ of whom 1 of her specialities is BPD(!) ~ told me pwBPD can be dangerous, can be homicidal, and to RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK! 

good advice.  unheeded, but good advice.   

icu2

Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it

Wow! Good info! I didn't realize!

[guy4caligirl]

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding (and well documented).

it's even difficult for therapists to get a good handle on Dx'ing it, to truly see behind 'the mask",  b/c the Cluster B's lie/manipulate/deceive so much and so well.  initially pwBPD play The Victim and get huge amts of N-supply from therapists.  until they don't.  then when therapists starts seeing behind The Mask, pwBPD get scared, they quit and go find a new victim therapist.  just like they do in r/s's with Nons, idealize/devalue/discard go find another victim lover.  lather, rinse, repeat.

and that's if a pwBPD can even find a therapist that will treat them.  the small percentage of therapists that do treat BPD seem to keep it to a low percentage of their total patients AND the therapists themselves need to get therapy/group meetings to debrief/decontaminate/recover from their contact w/BPD!  this is serious stuff, people!  think about it... .if therapists avoid pwBPD and need therapy themselves, that should be a ginormous clue that us Average Joe's probably don't stand a chance.

i had to get therapy during my r/s w/my xBPDgf.   and my own therapist ~ of whom 1 of her specialities is BPD(!) ~ told me pwBPD can be dangerous, can be homicidal, and to RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!  

good advice.  unheeded, but good advice.  

icu2

Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it

My ex said that a few times to me "This time I will leave and never look back " No Wonder .

[BorisAcusio]

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.

Lol you see I don't think it's impossible to maintain a long term relationship with a pwBPD but learning all that would be good for healing anyway.

Humans are remarkably adaptable. My grandfather spent years in a Siberan forced labor camp(GULAG), with an annual mortality rate ranging between 10-20 percent, of course it could be done. Lifelong scars and lifelong strength(!) was gained. Would he had done it again? I doubt it.  

It is unhealthy for the untreated pwBPD and unhealthy for their romantic partner. Reconciling sometimes could spur growth for both parties but not in the way of maintainaing the fantasy roles.

All good relationships have an element of childlike wonder in them. However, if a fantasy role (supported by the false self of the altruist and the true self of the Borderline) was the majority of the relationship, then one person is using the other to remain in a one-up parent position while the other remains in a childlike or irresponsible state.  For her to become mature means putting away childish expectations of being carried like a child in life or having a pseudo-parent for a partner.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I guess I'm struggling the most with is her comments she made whilst we were together like I just want you to be happy ! I dont know what made her think I wasnt ? Was me returning after every big argument not enough to show her I loved her and I was happy ? .

Every massive argument I would leave to let her cool down . Then I get told I give up to easily the next day due to leaving when she raged ! Any body else get something similar said ? .

I gave everything and got nothing in return !

Oh yes, in her break up "note" (couldn't even tell me on the phone after 9.5 years) she told me that I "deserved consistent happiness." Utterly bizarre! In all of our time together my feelings toward her never vacillated between happy/unhappy. That was clearly her projection on me. Happiness is an internal state, so if she did something that I didn't like, I'd let her know and that was that. It didn't change my feelings toward her. So I was consistently happy anyway! Naturally her actions this year have made me unhappy, and that has been consistent too... .

She's a psychologist so I know she understands these things. And yet in the midst of not allowing me a say in this life changing event, she was making a determination of what my feelings may or may not have been. Anymore I feel sorry for the college aged kids she counsels. Lord knows what's coming from her mouth.

[ShadowIntheNight]

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding.

So true. My uexPBDgfmwould always tell me how good looking her body was; her hot legs, her muscular arms, etc. I always kidded her and told her she'd date herself if she could and she said she would! Not making this stuff up. And frankly, looking at some pictures from earlier this year, she was getting frumpy in the midsection and sagging. She is 46, but she wants to think she's as hot as the college aged girls she works around. Physics doesn't work that way on the female body!

Having said that, she knew/knows exactly what she is doing when it comes to her actions toward giving the silent treatment. I see it with what she has done toward me the last 4 months and what she did toward other "friends" the last 5 years. Now that I have some understanding of this illness it helps me to understand those actions. But don't presume they are acting subconsciously. Mine knows exactly what she is doing. And she knows that she will get from whomever she is punishing what she wants, which is this idea of "if you don't give me what I want, you will pay."

[Blimblam]

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding.

So true. My uexPBDgfmwould always tell me how good looking her body was; her hot legs, her muscular arms, etc. I always kidded her and told her she'd date herself if she could and she said she would! Not making this stuff up. And frankly, looking at some pictures from earlier this year, she was getting frumpy in the midsection and sagging. She is 46, but she wants to think she's as hot as the college aged girls she works around. Physics doesn't work that way on the female body!

Having said that, she knew/knows exactly what she is doing when it comes to her actions toward giving the silent treatment. I see it with what she has done toward me the last 4 months and what she did toward other "friends" the last 5 years. Now that I have some understanding of this illness it helps me to understand those actions. But don't presume they are acting subconsciously. Mine knows exactly what she is doing. And she knows that she will get from whomever she is punishing what she wants, which is this idea of "if you don't give me what I want, you will pay."

Yeah, I feel you they are aware they are manipulating and harming with intent a lot of the time.  Where I think it comes to the subconious is the true reason of "why?"  I think it comes down to the splitting it just sort of happens they don't control it but once it has happened they are aware of what they are doing. 

Boris,

Keep in mind though that there are a lot of flavors and levels of severity of BPD.  Many of us on the leaving board got hurt badly in our rs with a pwBPD and we hear a lot of common stories so we tend to project our own situation as a way to relate.  While the boards have trully been a life saver for me I harmed myself when I accepted the line of thought that my ex is just a bad person who goes around with the intent to ruin people's lives and it is impossible to have a relationship with her. I really feel it's important to understand that we may be angry and hurting but when we project that onto other people we may be inadvertently causing them harm.  People often arrive at the boards confused hurt and very impressionable. 

I seem to be attracted to women with BPD but almost exclusively quiet borderlines that are often altruistic and have a rich inner world.  They tend to defy in many ways a lot of the descriptions and assumptions make about borderlines but they are borderline.

2 of the borderlines I have known with a bit of therapy and maybe a year or two dedicated to a deep meditative practice I think could have a very fulfilling life and with the right partner have healthy long term relationships. But it would require I'm thinking like 2 years fully focused on healing with a guide.

[ucmeicu2]

I was NC for 12 days. Started texting her on Saturday, a few , a day , nice kind words like come back home,  etc... .My last text today I said "I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost"... .She said "I'm m not mad now, I've moved on ,as should you... ."  Please your input on this, is important for me... .Now every time I text and I get silent treatment from her.... .

here I am still fighting for her and I, to heal together , I pray that would happen . I am still sticking with the leaving board just in case it doesn't happen

dude, please wake up.  she might be messing with your head but i don't think she's giving you The Silent Treatment.  you can only get The Silent Treatment from somebody you're in a relationship with.   she stated very clearly that "she has moved on" and advises you to do the same.  she has ended it with you.   if you continue to contact her, that is called Harrassment... .possibly Stalking.   that's not "love" dude ~ that's "addiction" and "obsession".   and you could get into legal trouble if she pursues it. 

you asked for input, here it is:   consider yourself fortunate and take her advice:  take her at face value and move on.  like it's been suggested, take 6 weeks off to leave her alone and work on yourself.  NC doesn't have to be "forever" but right now you seem to b in a bad place.  give yourself the gift of NC.

this is the board where you will get support if you're not sure:  [L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving

this is the board where you will get support if you want to stay in a relationship  [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

but this board right here that you're posting on, this board is about Moving On.  that's why it's called [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship.

[guy4caligirl]

,Thanks for your advise it might be so ,She texted last night and wished me merry Christmas she never change her number , I know my situation , one of the reason , I am moving on ... .

[hurting300]

,Thanks for your advise it might be so ,She texted last night and wished me merry Christmas she never change her number , I know my situation , one of the reason , I am moving on ... .

mine changed her number the day after she left. She actually never told me we were over, she just simply vanished. Then stalked me. You got closure. Your lucky because she literally told you "it's over"...

[hurting300]

I was NC for 12 days. Started texting her on Saturday, a few , a day , nice kind words like come back home,  etc... .My last text today I said "I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost"... .She said "I'm m not mad now, I've moved on ,as should you... ."  Please your input on this, is important for me... .Now every time I text and I get silent treatment from her.... .

here I am still fighting for her and I, to heal together , I pray that would happen . I am still sticking with the leaving board just in case it doesn't happen

dude, please wake up.  she might be messing with your head but i don't think she's giving you The Silent Treatment.  you can only get The Silent Treatment from somebody you're in a relationship with.   she stated very clearly that "she has moved on" and advises you to do the same.  she has ended it with you.   if you continue to contact her, that is called Harrassment... .possibly Stalking.   that's not "love" dude ~ that's "addiction" and "obsession".   and you could get into legal trouble if she pursues it. 

you asked for input, here it is:   consider yourself fortunate and take her advice:  take her at face value and move on.  like it's been suggested, take 6 weeks off to leave her alone and work on yourself.  NC doesn't have to be "forever" but right now you seem to b in a bad place.  give yourself the gift of NC.

this is the board where you will get support if you're not sure:  [L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving

this is the board where you will get support if you want to stay in a relationship  [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

but this board right here that you're posting on, this board is about Moving On.  that's why it's called [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship.

what does it mean when they move out while your at work and never tell you it's over ?

[guy4caligirl]

just got another text  tonight .

[hurting300]

just got another text  tonight .

what. Did it say?

[guy4caligirl]

how was your Xmass ? I said good .

[hurting300]

how was your Xmass ? I said good .

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't take that. She's playing with you. She clearly told you to move on right? Now she's texting... .Give short replies don't over text her. You need to work on yourself and hope you find someone better. With all do respect that's just my opinion.

[Infern0]

Cali I'm just going to be straight up,  even if you could get her back you are in no fit state to handle a pwBPD relationship at this point in time.

I advise go NC,  work on yourself and if 3 months down the line you still keen then text her and see what happens.

Jus from reading your posts I sense real danger for you if you don't heal the emotional damage you've been dealt.

[cosmonaut]

Ah, the infamous borderline silent treatment.  Oh, you are indeed being punished, friend.  For sins your could never even imagine.  Things you never did, of course, but it hardly matters to her.  You are guilty and you will be mercilessly punished.  I've been there.  Almost an entire year now and not a word of contact.  She just up and disappeared one day.  It hurts worse than anything I've ever known, but while the pain never really goes away, you do get used to it.  Contacting her is only going to drive her further away.  Best thing you can do right now is to just step back, take a deep breath, and realize that this is going to last for a while.  Forever?  Maybe, maybe not.  But it is going to last for a while.  You can be sure of that.  You are are being punished and you will be punished as long as she decides you deserve to be punished.  Nothing you can do about it.  You are stirring up horrible feelings inside of her and that's all your fault.  At least it is in her head.  I'm really sorry, man.  I know it sucks.  And it hurts like hell.

Take the advice of the people on this forum and spend some time focusing on you.  I know you aren't going to forget her.  I haven't forgotten my ex either.  But I have made some positive changes in my life.  Do the same.  Work on you.  After you do, you will be a far more desirable man to her if she does come back and if not you are a far more desirable man for any woman.  You'll also be a better man for yourself!  There really is nothing you can do at this point to change her.  She's a very sick person and her thinking is deeply disordered.  She is seeing the world filtered through a lens of suspicion, betrayal, and paranoia.  You can't change that, man.  Neither can I.  All we can do is cope.  And work on us.

Merry Christmas and all the best in the coming year.  It does get easier.  Promise.

[hurting300]

Ah, the infamous borderline silent treatment.  Oh, you are indeed being punished, friend.  For sins your could never even imagine.  Things you never did, of course, but it hardly matters to her.  You are guilty and you will be mercilessly punished.  I've been there.  Almost an entire year now and not a word of contact.  She just up and disappeared one day.  It hurts worse than anything I've ever known, but while the pain never really goes away, you do get used to it.  Contacting her is only going to drive her further away.  Best thing you can do right now is to just step back, take a deep breath, and realize that this is going to last for a while.  Forever?  Maybe, maybe not.  But it is going to last for a while.  You can be sure of that.  You are are being punished and you will be punished as long as she decides you deserve to be punished.  Nothing you can do about it.  You are stirring up horrible feelings inside of her and that's all your fault.  At least it is in her head.  I'm really sorry, man.  I know it sucks.  And it hurts like hell.

Take the advice of the people on this forum and spend some time focusing on you.  I know you aren't going to forget her.  I haven't forgotten my ex either.  But I have made some positive changes in my life.  Do the same.  Work on you.  After you do, you will be a far more desirable man to her if she does come back and if not you are a far more desirable man for any woman.  You'll also be a better man for yourself!  There really is nothing you can do at this point to change her.  She's a very sick person and her thinking is deeply disordered.  She is seeing the world filtered through a lens of suspicion, betrayal, and paranoia.  You can't change that, man.  Neither can I.  All we can do is cope.  And work on us.

Merry Christmas and all the best in the coming year.  It does get easier.  Promise.

she never told you it was over? Mine did that. She just left... .

[cosmonaut]

she never told you it was over? Mine did that. She just left... .

She did.  She called me.  She wouldn't see me.  She refused.  Said it would just be too hard for her.  She couldn't even really explain why she was breaking up, except that she wasn't going to change her mind and it didn't matter what I said.  She said it was nothing I had done or hadn't done.  She just couldn't do a relationship.  Sorry, but it's over.  You know the story.  Formally the man of her dreams, the love of her life, the best thing to ever happen to her, the greatest blessing she's ever had, ad nauseum.  Then... .poof she's gone.  Just like that.  Never did find out why.  That was the last I heard of her.

[fred6]

she never told you it was over? Mine did that. She just left... .

She did.  She called me.  She wouldn't see me.  She refused.  Said it would just be too hard for her.  She couldn't even really explain why she was breaking up, except that she wasn't going to change her mind and it didn't matter what I said.  She said it was nothing I had done or hadn't done.  She just couldn't do a relationship.  Sorry, but it's over.  You know the story.  Formally the man of her dreams, the love of her life, the best thing to ever happen to her, the greatest blessing she's ever had, ad nauseum.  Then... .poof she's gone.  Just like that.  Never did find out why.  That was the last I heard of her.

It does suck. Mine did the same thing cosmonaut. One day everything seems mostly ok, then the next day BAM. It's over. Said that she loved me and that I hadn't done anything wrong. Haven't seen or talked to her since I moved out 14 weeks ago. I'm fairly certain that the guy that she was cheating on me with will suffer the same fate eventually. Even if he doesn't, he has his work cut out for him.

[Deeno02]

I didnt get any contact. Im thankful, yet a little sad. Oh well.

[maxen]

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