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Author Topic: Need help with clarity over this craziness.  (Read 405 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 11


« on: January 01, 2015, 04:45:24 PM »

Hi all,

Need some help assessing things here:

Not sure if spouse fits in here or is under NPD issues or what...

So 6 days away and with family.  My husband was soo nice, wonderful, non stressful, easy going. We get home and he professes his love... Realizes he loves me as much as ever... UH HUH I think. Says he wants to work really hard on not arguing with me... He doesn't know how but he is going to do it. He says maybe he has to get a sponsor... I said I have one... he was surprised...

Talking on and on how he is going to find a simple mountain where he can teach me how to snowboard... umm never cared before... knowing he is really good at it and I have never tried. Knowing he needs to include fun because he is simply a workaholic, tho we never get ahead.  Lately been realizing he is sick of big city and wants to move to small town with slopes... Umm... No... We just got back to big city in 2011. Either way - he was pleasant.

Anyways... so while we were away, I had not made any gestures towards being intimate... not then nor for several weeks before because previously to going away it was chronic hostile conflict.  I had decided concretely I was done with the up and down and chaos... and was going to work very hard on being clear and believing my take on things.  I joined alanon a year ago to set my head right.  I bought the emotionally Abusive relationship and Verbally Abusive relationships by Patricia Evans... Reading this second book really hit home for me because it documents exactly how subtle and at the same time how suffocating things can be...

SO I was pulling back- friendly but pulling back... Normally I go to him and resolve any tensions,, talk too long and explain a lot but in her book I was like WOAH!  that's our mess...

OK so back to story- sorry a bit fragmented in writing... we get home he professes love and commitment... cut to... I had a few sentences of lamenting my daughter's crazy life and the switch went off... he said in a loud voice WOW stop obsessing ,, its crazy you do this all the time and I can't deal with it... HOLD on I thought an finally said... I said two sentences - thinking how lucky her friends are that they went to good schools, didn't have a baby, seems like she has fallen off the planet as far as stable goes, herself... SO I tried to draw a boundary- said no... really it was a few sentences... and I feel I should be able to reflect... it was only a minute- and you don't get to tell me what to think or feel... Probably shouldn't have said that... but his reaction was so strong and harsh... I felt... so after trying to draw line - he got pissed and went to bed... of course I felt all entangled... but I let it go.  

Next morning- he was still sleeping on the sofa at 11:00 am... suddenly couldn't sleep near me or in our bed... once again...   I woke him gently- then asked if he knew where he put the coffee... he said no in a harsh tone - i stupidly repeated myself trying to ignore the tone... he got more pissed... I lashed out and called him a priq!  blegh... an hour later I apologized... he refused to accept it.  Said he sees the patterns now... I don't think I can do this relationship etc. etc.  I took the bait... I said you know... .nothing happened... I simply was rude - and angry because your tone triggered me to call you a name... I'm sorry- if you can't allow me to move forward... He said apologies mean nothing... I said OK if they don't mean anything I won't bother... end.

HE has been angry all day-barely speaking to myself or my daughter.  I just went on- chatted with him about moving away... (making him happy) chatted with my teen... went shopping etc.  I feel hurt.  blegh... annoyed I was doing so well keeping my head together.  Totally different vibe and mood than yesterday. It can days or weeks to see his happy cooperative side again... and of course a lot of it gets blamed on me... Not sure what I really did... I did say something nasty... the problem is - is it justified to then turn it into a crisis?  yes - we have been at this a long time but my motto for my spouse is - I can't really tell you or you will turn it into a crisis. He becomes the crisis because he flips out... or makes a small thing a huge thing.  WHen you talk to him about others he seems really rational but anything involving us or his kids once this mood hits is now unmanageable... He went to movies with my teen... Who knows how that will go... ? he could come back in a great mood.  Loves the Hobbit an films like that... or in a low emotive dark mood.  How can he be so reasonable and pleasant for 6 days when around family and know he was doing well and then suddenly be so difficult? 

SO... .thanks for bearing with me... This is but one of bazillion examples, I posted recently about my turkey argument... Because I engage and get pissed and act less than polite at times... How do I determine if I'm the one with an issue?  I mean I obviously need help and i have reached out here and with alanon and finally hired a therapist to help me sort this out... After 22 yrs obviously I'm confused and need help freeing myself from this mess. How do we not know we have the bigger problem if we put up with this and then feel the need to stay with someone who makes us feel so awful? Thanks for helping...

T
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