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Author Topic: My ex husband committed suicide  (Read 1048 times)
SouthernMama

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« on: August 16, 2015, 07:48:35 AM »

We've been divorced for 9 years, we have two kids together. I am remarried. I was his life line, his counselor, his confidant, his friend. Though my frustrations grew w/ his unraveling instability ie: constant job loss, erratic behavior, arrests, addictions, we maintained a close friendship.

Last month, during a visit w/ the kids, I felt he put them in a dangerous situation. It was my final straw. Two weeks after he was handed the termination of parental rights paper works, he killed himself.

That was 6 days ago. The funeral is next week. Yes, I blame every fiber of myself.
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« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2015, 08:01:30 AM »

My thoughts with you, your family and all affected by this situation.

I can imagine this is an incredibly emotional time, but what I read here is someone who cared greatly for this man and did everything possible to support them whilst maintaining the safety of their children as an absolute priority, both reasons to hold your head up high, I hope you have the support network needed around you.
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SouthernMama

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« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2015, 08:26:26 AM »

My ex husband committed suicide 6 days ago after being served w/ termination of parental right papers. I deeply regret serving him. I wish I would have been more patient w/ him. I think after 14 yrs, I was exhausted, & worried one day that he'd hurt the kids.
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« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2015, 08:36:21 AM »

Hi SouthernMama

I am very sorry you are dealing with this difficult situation. He was the father of your kids and the two of you still maintained a close friendship so this isn't easy at all. It's a very sad and unfortunate reality that some people with BPD (traits) are suicidal and sometimes end up taking their own life.

How are your kids coping with the loss of their father?

To help you and your kids deal with what happened, you might find the following material helpful:

A Self-help Handbook For Those Who Have Lost Someone to Suicide

The information in this booklet also addresses the feelings of guilt you are experiencing. It's horrible what happened. The sad reality is that he was disordered and as a result of this disorder behaved erratically and finally took his own life. You aren't the cause of his disorder and also aren't the cause of him committing suicide, but I understand why you now say regretting serving those papers to him. You were trying to protect your children though which is a normal reaction for most parents.

Take care and I am very sorry for your loss
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« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2015, 08:36:41 AM »

My ex husband committed suicide 6 days ago after being served w/ termination of parental right papers. I deeply regret serving him. I wish I would have been more patient w/ him. I think after 14 yrs, I was exhausted, & worried one day that he'd hurt the kids.

You had to do what was needed to protect your children. As a mother they are your first priority. You helped him through 14 years, he was sick and without him deciding to help himself there was nothing you could do.
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Skip
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« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2015, 08:42:12 AM »

I'm so sorry. This has to be devastating to the entire extended family.

You have our condolences and prayers.

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« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2015, 08:47:02 AM »

Hi SouthernMama,  

Welcome

I am sorry for your loss. I can imagine how difficult this is for you.  

I understand how you can feel guilty. Guilt is a common feeling when coping with the aftermath of something traumatic as suicide.

Remember, this is not your fault and you did what you felt was in the best interest of your children. You are not responsible for the behavior of another person.

Did your ex husband have a history of suicidal ideation and mental illness?

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« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2015, 08:57:02 AM »

Southern Mama

Let me extend my condolences to you and your entire family.

May you be comforted in your grief.

Babyducks

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« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2015, 09:15:46 AM »

So sorry 
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« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2015, 09:37:12 AM »

SouthernMama, I am so sorry.   The suicide of a loved one is devastating.

Yes, I blame every fiber of myself.

You were not responsible for his actions. I know it's hard not to blame yourself after something like this. Feelings of guilt and self-blame are very common after a loved one commits suicide. You acted to protect yourself and your children - that's strong and admirable. What he did was entirely his own choice, and outside of your control and influence.

Take care of yourself and your children. We're all here for you. It helps to talk. 
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« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2015, 09:45:57 AM »

Yes, I blame every fiber of myself.

Blame and responsibility are really not relevant here - for yourself or for him. Suicide is a confluence of events that overwhelm someone and trigger latent suicidal feelings. There is typically low brain chemistry (coping) from prior stressors.  It's often impulsive.  

I lived through a similar situation and it is troubling to the soul. When you reflect back, you'll see all the places you could have intervened and prevented this. You'll kick yourself for not seeing it. This is natural.  Your going to experience a lot of emptiness from all this.  We all go through this.  It's an unavoidable part of the suicide wave.

We pray for strength for you.  As hard as it is to grasp as adults, its overwhelming to the children and becomes harder for them to understand in time as others ask them. Dad didn't die in a politically acceptable way and there friends will refelect that back to them.  It makes the loss so much harder.

I hope you will stay with us through this crisis. We, unfortunately, have a number of partners and parents that have lost loved ones to this disorder. We have members that can help.

There are live suicide survivor groups. Getting the kids into one will help immensely.

Skip

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« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2015, 09:46:14 AM »

I am so sorry to hear that.  As much as you are feeling guilt, you have to remember that you aren't in control of someone else's actions.  You did what you had to do to take good care of your kids and that's important to remember.  Hang in there, and keep talking to people who care for you.  
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« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2015, 10:33:21 AM »

As hard as it is to grasp as adults, its overwhelming to the children and becomes harder for them to understand in time as others ask them. Dad didn't die in a politically acceptable way and there friends will refelect that back to them.  It makes the loss so much harder.

Skip brings up a very important point.

My personal experience with this is that not only do peers sometimes make things harder, but also children tend to blame themselves and feel guilt over a parent's suicide, as well. Openness, honesty, and reassurance help - ":)ad was very sick, this was not your fault, he loved you very much."

There are live suicide survivor groups. Getting the kids into one will help immensely.

The American Society of Suicide Prevention has a search function to let you find survivor of suicide support groups in your area - https://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support/find-a-support-group.

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SouthernMama

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« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2015, 11:52:43 AM »

He had countless psychiatric stays & suicide attempts. He had substance abuse issues as well. It seemed EVERYTIME he was finally back on track, he would have another episode. No one is saying suicide. It was a motorcycle crash. Everyone is calling it an accident. It wasn't. His mom blames me. His dad & sister have had to keep her from me, & coach her to not scream things at me. His dad knows it was a suicide. I asked if there was a note. He said no. The day before, my ex had called his dad & sister. He had texted me about a hereditary health issue & asked that I get our kids checked. That was it. I feel that I was his anchor all of these years, & that I broke his heart.
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« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2015, 12:27:18 PM »

His mom blames me. His dad & sister have had to keep her from me, & coach her to not scream things at me.

 I am so sorry, it's terrible to have to deal with that. It's good that your ex's father and sister are keeping her away from you and trying to calm her down.

You already blame yourself, and now your ex's mother is projecting blame onto you. That's incredibly difficult and painful. She is devastated and grieving, and her 'blaming' you is a projection of that grief, turmoil, and confusion. She is trying to find answers. She may also feel shame and self-blame, and needs to express that outwardly onto someone. I know this doesn't make it any easier to hear from her. But please know that this wasn't your fault.

   

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SouthernMama

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« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2015, 05:09:12 PM »

I know the MIL is just grieving. She went to great lengths to rescue him. She's bailed him out of jail, visited psychiatric hospitals, helped him move, and most recently, begged his probation officer to let him come live with her. He had been living at home with his mom since Dec when this happened.

I understand it's not all of my fault. However, I think we tend to sometimes discount our BPD loved ones because we are exhausted & tired of their antics. I was tired of my ex. I felt he used self-harm as a way to manipulate me. I was harsh with him. I was done. I am so sad that out of the 14 yrs of friendship, this past month, we were at odds & did not speak. It breaks my heart. I so wish I could tell him how sorry I am.
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« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2015, 07:41:34 AM »

One of my best friends committed suicide a month ago and it's devastated all of us who knew and loved him. His curse was depression and not BPD.

I met him the day before he hung himself. It was a Friday, and I thought that since I had the Saturday available I should invite him over for beers and laughs. It had been a while. Then I thought he must be busy and I don't want to impose myself. I got the call on the Sunday about his suicide.

Not a day goes by where I don't ask myself if an invitation would have prevented him from doing what he did but I always come to the conclusion that his decision had been made well before I bumped into him that Friday. He'd been doing the rounds. Seeing people everywhere. Popping in at an old place of work here, phoning someone up there and so forth. Me bumping into him by chance saved him the trouble of calling me or "popping over for a chat". It's obvious now that he was saying his goodbyes.

Ultimately his decision was on him and it had nothing to do with any of us. I know he loved us and I know he knew that he was loved by all of us but he needed to leave and he chose a very final way to do it. I can't judge him and I judge no one else either. I only hope he was at peace when he did it.

Sorry to ramble. My point is that the decision to commit suicide is ultimately on the person doing it. We may travel some of the distance with them but the final leg is always taken alone when none of us are present. It's their very private solution to their problems. We are not invited and they give us no say in it.

I hope my words are of some use to you. Sorry if they aren't.
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« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2015, 08:39:09 AM »

There was a story on the news this morning about a young man who stepped out on a ledge to try and save his friend from suicide in Hawaii, and he unfortunately tumbled off the building with him and was killed. How far are we supposed to go to try to save a loved one from harming themselves? I struggled desperately with this dilemma for a long time. My partner tried to kill herself several times. She threatened it many other times. I allowed myself to be in harm's way multiple times over it before concluding that the limit HAS to be when yourself or your loved ones are also in danger. That has to be the limit. 

I consider myself to be a very strong person. I hung in there for 2 years in that environment. 14 years? You are a rock star SouthernMama. I fully believe your motherly instincts were accurate.

Sending you love, strength, and prayers.

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« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2015, 08:49:29 AM »

I allowed myself to be in harm's way multiple times over it before concluding that the limit HAS to be when yourself or your loved ones are also in danger. That has to be the limit.  

This is the place I've reached with my daughter.  A few of the kids she use to hang out with just got arrested for breaking in to a home and stabbing the father of one of their "friends" in a robbery attempt.  At 16 the kids got 20 years for attempted murder.  Those same kids were in our home at one point (without our knowledge)!  That is when it really hit me.  Now not only was she putting herself in harms way multiple times, she was putting us (her brother 8, my mother who is on hospice, my husband and myself) in danger now too!  That should be the defining moment for everyone involved in whatever form with a BPD person.
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« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2015, 06:16:09 PM »

Hi SouthernMama, 

I'm sorry for your loss
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SouthernMama

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« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2015, 06:00:20 PM »

Day 9 & still in disbelief from my BPD ex husband's suicide. Like most of our relationship, his method was confusing, and he left doubt whether it was actually a suicide or accident. Well, doubt to those who did not know him well.

I am so grateful for this board. I've been reading post after post echoing my story.

We had a very push-pull relationship. He had major substance abuse issues which deepened after he left the military. I believe the structure helped him, & after he got out, he was never able to hold it together for very long. He was brilliant, charming, handsome, kind, generous,... .and also scary, raging, violent, impulsive, & confusing.

I'm struggling to balance my grief.

I watched as people tried to help him, get burned out, & leave him. I pray my sons do not have BPD. It's my greatest fear.
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SouthernMama

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« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2015, 10:01:57 PM »

Tonight, I was able to speak to my ex-MIL. I've been praying for peace & reconciliation. I was abLe to tell her how I was sorry, and how I wish I could go back & change things. I just want healing and peace. As awful as this ordeal has been, I feel the love of Christ has carried me through. Knowing that she's beginning to forgive me, and not blame me, has felt like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I fear for her mental health though. Anyone who has cared full time for a BPD knows the emotional tolls it can take on you.
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« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2015, 10:47:50 PM »

Hi SouthernMama,

I have read that some sufferers of BPD found that they liked military structure because of left and right limits with black and white thinking. He sounds like he had wonderful qualities and I agree BPD can take an emotional toll

It's great to hear that you had a conversation with ex-MIL and she's beginning to forgive you, I can see how that would help with your grieving. It sounds like the news hit your ex-MIL pretty hard.
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« Reply #23 on: August 21, 2015, 07:54:40 PM »

Thank you southern for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you have to experience this ordeal. Every story shared here provides support and understanding to others who have been through similar times so thank you for that, I hope this site can also provide you and support and understanding and thanks for updating us with your meeting with the MIL
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