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Author Topic: How long until their BPD resurfaces with the replacement?  (Read 751 times)
Xidion
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« on: December 24, 2014, 12:06:18 AM »

I know at first it's all cloud 9 and fairy tale bull crap during the honeymoon phase. My ex was going through my phone 2 months into the relationship.  How long does it take for their BPD to resurface and start causing drama in the relationship?
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« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2014, 12:11:51 AM »

I know at first it's all cloud 9 and fairy tale bull crap during the honeymoon phase. My ex was going through my phone 2 months into the relationship.  How long does it take for their BPD to resurface and start causing drama in the relationship?

My ex started up an emotional affair with me after 2 months.  By month 3 she physically cheated on him with me.

They are still together,  she had purposely been obvious enough about what she was doing to ___ his head up but he belived her when she denied doing anything.

So yeah I don't really know how the first two months were for them but paradise didn't last long and once the monster is out of the closet it doesn't go back in, so he's in for as much pain as he can handle until he either breaks or she has no further use for him and discards

I walked away from her,  she wanted to keep the affair going, she will find someone else to replace my role.
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Xidion
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« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2014, 12:20:40 AM »

I know at first it's all cloud 9 and fairy tale bull crap during the honeymoon phase. My ex was going through my phone 2 months into the relationship.  How long does it take for their BPD to resurface and start causing drama in the relationship?

My ex started up an emotional affair with me after 2 months.  By month 3 she physically cheated on him with me.

They are still together,  she had purposely been obvious enough about what she was doing to ___ his head up but he belived her when she denied doing anything.

So yeah I don't really know how the first two months were for them but paradise didn't last long and once the monster is out of the closet it doesn't go back in, so he's in for as much pain as he can handle until he either breaks or she has no further use for him and discards

I walked away from her,  she wanted to keep the affair going, she will find someone else to replace my role.

She sounds like a terrible person. Were you in no contact with her?
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« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2014, 12:26:05 AM »

Yeah I went no contact after I got replaced and split black,  after a couple months she was texting asking if we could talk and be friendly.  I didn't really see the harm but you can see how well that ended up going.

This time it's no contact for good.
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« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2014, 12:37:50 AM »

One thing I noticed is like the 2nd or maybe even 3rd replacement after me she chose solely to offload her shame into.  At this stage she was very open to wanting to meet up with me and I think her plan was to just treat this guy really badly to dump all her crap into and walk away from.  I could have taken up a role like you inferno at this time.
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Infern0
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« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2014, 12:43:39 AM »

One thing I noticed is like the 2nd or maybe even 3rd replacement after me she chose solely to offload her shame into.  At this stage she was very open to wanting to meet up with me and I think her plan was to just treat this guy really badly to dump all her crap into and walk away from.  I could have taken up a role like you inferno at this time.

Yeah bro. Problem is you are the same as me in that you actually care about her.  It wasn't enough for me to just have a FWB thing behind her boyfriends back.

In all honesty I'm not sure if she was lining me up for a full recycle or not. She was spending more and more time on me and less on him but in truth even if she had dumped him and come to me,  it was never going to work out long term with her. Once I finally come to understand that I emotionally detached pretty easily tbh.  Something I never thought would happen.

She ain't what I thought she was.
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« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2014, 12:55:10 AM »

I know at first it's all cloud 9 and fairy tale bull crap during the honeymoon phase. My ex was going through my phone 2 months into the relationship.  How long does it take for their BPD to resurface and start causing drama in the relationship?

The BPD is always there. It's part of who they are at all times. That intense idealization in the honeymoon phase that pulled us all in? That's BPD as well. When I look back on my relationship, the drama was there almost immediately. I chose to ignore it because everything else felt so amazing (and possibly because on some level I was seeking out drama myself).

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« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2014, 12:56:57 AM »

One thing I noticed is like the 2nd or maybe even 3rd replacement after me she chose solely to offload her shame into.

Blimblam, can I ask what exactly you mean by offloading her shame?
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Blimblam
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« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2014, 01:05:18 AM »

One thing I noticed is like the 2nd or maybe even 3rd replacement after me she chose solely to offload her shame into.  At this stage she was very open to wanting to meet up with me and I think her plan was to just treat this guy really badly to dump all her crap into and walk away from.  I could have taken up a role like you inferno at this time.

Yeah bro. Problem is you are the same as me in that you actually care about her.  It wasn't enough for me to just have a FWB thing behind her boyfriends back.


In all honesty I'm not sure if she was lining me up for a full recycle or not. She was spending more and more time on me and less on him but in truth even if she had dumped him and come to me,  it was never going to work out long term with her. Once I finally come to understand that I emotionally detached pretty easily tbh.  Something I never thought would happen.

She ain't what I thought she was.

Well my ex lined me up for a recycle a few times.  I think she was going to screw this guy over then recycle me. But she wanted me to validate her in screwing this guy over. I think she just had a ton of shame after me and was looking for a receptacle to contain it for her.  The sad thing is he was probably the first decent guy she had seen after me. I don't know how to explain it but from the little information I had gathered about what had happened I just knew. I suppose it's the counter transference.   It's strange because from her energy I could pick up on what these other people were like and most of them were selfish jerks.
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« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2014, 01:12:58 AM »

I think it depends on how functional they are and of course, as always everyone is different. But my exBPDgf told me that in the past she didn't make it through more than three weeks with someone, after that she just doesn't want to be in that relationship anymore, she can't take it anymore. I think she's is really low functioning. With me it took a while longer and only because I broke up with her. I broke up with her when we were together for only two and a half month, but the honeymoon period was already over after one month. After the break up we were still friends and was able to be with me altogether for seven month. I guess it only lasted so "long" because I was so stupid and submissive and submitted to her behaviour. Because I never set boundaries. Because when I did finally I got discarded.

I think it also depends on the replacement's set ouf boundaries. Some have enough early on because they won't take such abuse, some are like me and take the abuse every damn time.
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« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2014, 01:16:30 AM »

One thing I noticed is like the 2nd or maybe even 3rd replacement after me she chose solely to offload her shame into.

Blimblam, can I ask what exactly you mean by offloading her shame?

Bpd have a fragmented personality and difficulty regulating their emotions.  So they use projective identification to offload their negative emotions.  I have this sort of gift/curse of helping people that make the transference of confidant onto me of guiding them to the deeper parts of themselves idk I have always had it.  

My ex wanted me back in her life but she had a lot of shame from the end of our rs she never fully delt with.  She needed a place to offload it with my validation to reinforce the bond between me and her and just get rid of it altogether.  

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projective_identification
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Xidion
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« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2014, 01:20:31 AM »

I think it depends on how functional they are and of course, as always everyone is different. But my exBPDgf told me that in the past she didn't make it through more than three weeks with someone, after that she just doesn't want to be in that relationship anymore, she can't take it anymore. I think she's is really low functioning. With me it took a while longer and only because I broke up with her. I broke up with her when we were together for only two and a half month, but the honeymoon period was already over after one month. After the break up we were still friends and was able to be with me altogether for seven month. I guess it only lasted so "long" because I was so stupid and submissive and submitted to her behaviour. Because I never set boundaries. Because when I did finally I got discarded.

I think it also depends on the replacement's set ouf boundaries. Some have enough early on because they won't take such abuse, some are like me and take the abuse every damn time.

I took the abuse without lube. We were together for 20 months... I think it only lasted that long because I put up with her ___. 5-6 months in, she saved pictures of some dudes dick to her email (she went ballistic on me as I was driving her home, she didn't want me to leave her). 14 months in she was having an emotional affair (caught her texting another guy, turned out it was everyday all day for 3 weeks), 20 months she discarded (caught her texting another guy again, this is who she is now with). I don't know if she physically cheated, but i have my wonders. My boundaries were nothing. That's a serious problem. I should have dumped this broad long ago.
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« Reply #12 on: December 24, 2014, 01:26:39 AM »

As previously stated they are all different and have different circumstances. My ex is on her second bf since we spit. He lives away so she only see's him every other weekend when she has no kids. Maybe she has now introduced him to the kids. As far as he is aware she is probably perfect but rumour has it she has been sleeping with her landlord. Her behaviour will not be as apparent to him as he is not there all the time so she can hold it together but her behaviour is out there for others to see. One thing I find interesting is her fb pattern. She is down as single evwn though she gas been with him since september. She made her first post with him in today in which she alluded to him going away for xmas. This is obviously abandonment fear. Letting him know she is there and showing she has moved a step further in their relationship. To him it probably is a good thing as she seems more committed. To me its the begining of the crazy starting.
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Xidion
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« Reply #13 on: December 24, 2014, 02:06:06 AM »

I know they are all different, but there definitely seems to be some sort of pattern with all of them. It's hardwired into them.
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« Reply #14 on: December 24, 2014, 02:12:02 AM »

As you say the behaviour is always there it just depends how long they can hide it from their SO. Im sure my exs new bf will have had a couple of What the heck  moments by now that she will have blamed on me or someone else. They always have a plausible explanation for it.
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« Reply #15 on: December 24, 2014, 02:14:21 AM »

I do also think that women with BPD tned to get more obvious about their BPD when having their period. I know it doesn't really have to do with the topic but it just came to my mind. Everytime she was having her period there was a split happening and I was getting the silent treatment. The other time's she seemed to be able to hold herself together.
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« Reply #16 on: December 24, 2014, 02:18:16 AM »

Someone much wiser than me posted on the boards recently about this.

We can't assume anything - it depends very much on the pwBPD and on the replacement. Eg. if the replacement is highly narcissistic, then they might be able to last longer and put up with more than what we did. Our replacements are different people to us and might not be so bothered about things (they might be a robot or a statue for instance).

If our exes find someone to be in a long distance relationship with, I expect that type of r/s might last longer - not spending a considerable amount of time with someone means you don't observe or notice unusual behaviour as quickly and the BPD doesn't have to wear the mask full time either, but who knows.

It depends on lots of things. Depends on what else is happening in their life - if there are other stressors, such as job or financial stress, that might trigger them faster with the replacement. The replacement might have certain behaviours that trigger them quicker (or not) too.

You can be certain though that they can't keep the symptoms held in forever. There will be a point at which they surface and for most, it seems to be around the 3 - 6 months mark. I've seen some comments on here where people had the idealization phase for up to a year. I personally think that would be rare but again, it depends on the individuals involved.

How long until they resurface depends what sort of person they are. My exBPD was very 'secretive' with and about me until well into the r/s. You can be assured though that there will be a replacement, and then another, and then another... .It is a horrible illness that will put them in this cycle for perpetuity, until they start to age and have trouble sourcing replacements.

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« Reply #17 on: December 24, 2014, 02:24:06 AM »

I know they are all different, but there definitely seems to be some sort of pattern with all of them. It's hardwired into them.

There is definately a pattern. I know my ex so I know where I sort of fit in to her pattern.  It was extremely confusing for a long time.  I was in denial too.  The thing about a pwBPD is they pick up aspects of other people's identities and take them into their own and by remembering where they were at various times in your relationship you can sort of feel it all out like the piece of you vs all the other pieces of other people in them.  It just hard being honest with oneself and learning about the disorder.  

Counter transference.

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Countertransference
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« Reply #18 on: December 24, 2014, 02:26:34 AM »

I do also think that women with BPD tned to get more obvious about their BPD when having their period. I know it doesn't really have to do with the topic but it just came to my mind. Everytime she was having her period there was a split happening and I was getting the silent treatment. The other time's she seemed to be able to hold herself together.

it appears to be quite common for women with BPD to have a significant change during their period. A lot of things point to a hormonal imbalance causing BPD behaviour.

This is another factor that will determine when the crazy will start to show.
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Xidion
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« Reply #19 on: December 24, 2014, 02:40:44 AM »

I do also think that women with BPD tned to get more obvious about their BPD when having their period. I know it doesn't really have to do with the topic but it just came to my mind. Everytime she was having her period there was a split happening and I was getting the silent treatment. The other time's she seemed to be able to hold herself together.

it appears to be quite common for women with BPD to have a significant change during their period. A lot of things point to a hormonal imbalance causing BPD behaviour.

This is another factor that will determine when the crazy will start to show.

I couldn't imagine a BPD woman while she is pregnant.
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« Reply #20 on: December 24, 2014, 02:51:55 AM »

Someone much wiser than me posted on the boards recently about this.

We can't assume anything - it depends very much on the pwBPD and on the replacement. Eg. if the replacement is highly narcissistic, then they might be able to last longer and put up with more than what we did. Our replacements are different people to us and might not be so bothered about things (they might be a robot or a statue for instance).

If our exes find someone to be in a long distance relationship with, I expect that type of r/s might last longer - not spending a considerable amount of time with someone means you don't observe or notice unusual behaviour as quickly and the BPD doesn't have to wear the mask full time either, but who knows.

It depends on lots of things. Depends on what else is happening in their life - if there are other stressors, such as job or financial stress, that might trigger them faster with the replacement. The replacement might have certain behaviours that trigger them quicker (or not) too.

You can be certain though that they can't keep the symptoms held in forever. There will be a point at which they surface and for most, it seems to be around the 3 - 6 months mark. I've seen some comments on here where people had the idealization phase for up to a year. I personally think that would be rare but again, it depends on the individuals involved.

How long until they resurface depends what sort of person they are. My exBPD was very 'secretive' with and about me until well into the r/s. You can be assured though that there will be a replacement, and then another, and then another... .It is a horrible illness that will put them in this cycle for perpetuity, until they start to age and have trouble sourcing replacements.

Exactly someone that is preoccupied with something else and doesn't have much invested in the rs but has "game" ie they go through the motions and are mysogynists will be able to maintain a long rs with a pwBPD because to them the pwBPD is like an accessory a commodity.
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« Reply #21 on: December 24, 2014, 03:24:29 AM »

Blimblam I deployed game on my pwBPD and it didn't work at all.

The usual stuff like negging,  taking ages to respond to texts etc all it did was make her depressed and texting me how upset she was.

Game doesn't work on them imo.
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« Reply #22 on: December 24, 2014, 03:37:14 AM »

Blimblam I deployed game on my pwBPD and it didn't work at all.

The usual stuff like negging,  taking ages to respond to texts etc all it did was make her depressed and texting me how upset she was.

Game doesn't work on them imo.

You were emotionally invested that's why.  PwBPD are often preoccupied by something out of reach like a long distance relationship or some guy they fancy whose posts they like on fb and follow on social media, a married guy.  A pwBPD want to try to get an emotionally unavailable guy to love them.  It doesn't really matter why they are emotionally unavailable it's just that they can give and give for crumbs of validation and won't have the deeper intimacy they find triggering.  She won't hurt the emotionally unavailable guy becuase he hasn't invested any emotions in her.  
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« Reply #23 on: December 24, 2014, 05:10:09 AM »

Blimblam I deployed game on my pwBPD and it didn't work at all.

The usual stuff like negging,  taking ages to respond to texts etc all it did was make her depressed and texting me how upset she was.

Game doesn't work on them imo.

You were emotionally invested that's why.  PwBPD are often preoccupied by something out of reach like a long distance relationship or some guy they fancy whose posts they like on fb and follow on social media, a married guy.  A pwBPD want to try to get an emotionally unavailable guy to love them.  It doesn't really matter why they are emotionally unavailable it's just that they can give and give for crumbs of validation and won't have the deeper intimacy they find triggering.  She won't hurt the emotionally unavailable guy becuase he hasn't invested any emotions in her.  

That's seems true to me. Right before I broke up with my exBPDgf because I couldn't take it any longer (her withdrawing, the silent treatment etc.) I asked her whether she's able to develop  true feelings for someone or not she said: "Yes, I am able. But when someone's coming too close emotionally it's like some wall is building in front of me and I can't get through that anymore. So the only way I can truly feel is from the distance. Only through distance I can feel truly." Textbook BPD I guess.
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« Reply #24 on: December 24, 2014, 06:28:41 AM »

I know at first it's all cloud 9 and fairy tale bull crap during the honeymoon phase. My ex was going through my phone 2 months into the relationship.  How long does it take for their BPD to resurface and start causing drama in the relationship?

The BPD is always there. It's part of who they are at all times. That intense idealization in the honeymoon phase that pulled us all in? That's BPD as well. When I look back on my relationship, the drama was there almost immediately. I chose to ignore it because everything else felt so amazing (and possibly because on some level I was seeking out drama myself).

This is so true as I look back and continue NC.Her ''drama'' and BPD was there in the first 2 weeks.

I said something on the phone and she said it hurt her feelings and she then disappeared for 4 weeks.At that point we were just dating.I was not fully emotionally vested.

One day, 4 weeks later she called me out of the blue and I did not even know who it was.She said,Hi it's (name).How are you.I am sure she was prolly chasing something else or with someone else in that 4 weeks.



I asked her some questions as to where did you disappear to.I got a lot of lies back then and did not even know it.I asked her if she was with anyone and She told me no.She said she went to work and went home and dreamed of me everyday and she was heart broken.That is the answer I got.

I found out later she ''recycled'' a guy that liked her and she was able to get 100.00 out of him.She never owned that when I confronted her.I ended up talking to him and he said that she called him and they met up.They did not have sex but she cried and asked for money.He never heard from her again.

Stupid me invited her over and then we went full steam ahead and I jumped on the ''Crazy Train''.

Within 1 month her BPD Traits WERE IN FULL SWING.Push/pull,lies,abandonment,very secretive behavior,blame,men on cell contact list, and many more red flags and behaviors.

My take is if they have BPD it is always there and will continue to show it's ugly face in all there relationships and friendships.It will continue to destroy until they stop blaming the world and own it within themselves.
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« Reply #25 on: December 24, 2014, 06:33:53 AM »

Blimblam I deployed game on my pwBPD and it didn't work at all.

The usual stuff like negging,  taking ages to respond to texts etc all it did was make her depressed and texting me how upset she was.

Game doesn't work on them imo.

For me, when we begun our interaction, it worked like charm. Then it became a trigger just as you mentioned.
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« Reply #26 on: December 24, 2014, 08:18:28 AM »

Xidion: It's funny you say that about pregnancy. When my expwBPD was pregnant... .Those nine months were the most blissful and amazing months we had in the entire r/s! Almost zero negative behavior and very loving and supporting.
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« Reply #27 on: December 24, 2014, 09:02:20 AM »

My uexBPDgf had the worst PMS, and I always knew when she was about to begin. She would get very depressed and very mean. I always knew when she was about to begin, like a clock (or,stick of dynamite). She'd complain about everything. She'd say mean things about anyone and everyone. She cursed like a sailor, moreso than normal. And she'd yell at her kids as if they were little hellions (which they aren't). The day she began, her raging and depression ended within 24 hours. It was like the old her was back.

This went on once a month for 10 years. I could never understand how she couldn't control her emotions or realize she was about to begin to the point that she would want to do something different than the rage thing. But she never did. And it's one of my clues that she might have BPD. I mean she could have asked her gyno over 10 years about what to do to counter act herself during the week before she began, but she never did. It's like she enjoyed having a built in excuse to be a b___ each month.

So to answer your question, whomever she is with, if she is with someone, got a taste of it within the first 4 weeks they were together. If there is someone, he sees it every 3-4 weeks. There's no way she's managed to change that.
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« Reply #28 on: December 24, 2014, 09:41:05 AM »

25 days ago my ex told me before I went NC that she believes she found somebody that will love her!   And she is back on a dating site as we speak! 
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« Reply #29 on: December 24, 2014, 11:29:47 AM »

It baffles me she and my replacement are still together... .yet my track record with her indicates I suffered it out and enabled it so what am I to say? Gulp
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« Reply #30 on: December 24, 2014, 12:08:49 PM »

I've come to the conclusion, not just a stab in the dark  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), that I am BPD with N traits. I've played both the pwBPD and, most recently the even more excruciating role of co-dependant. I think you truly have to live with, or develop some form of intimate relationship with a pwBPD in order to make an accurate diagnosis. Most (P's and T's included) simply don't see it on the "surface",  just as we did not with our partners/ex's. It took time for the mask to come off. And why would we want them to anyway? Wouldn't we then have to be responsible for our abhorrent actions and behaviors?

The term "resurface(s)" would imply a pwBPD has the luxury to call upon command the tricks, smoke, hate, rage, etc. It needs to be triggered.

Even more sneaky than the lurking dark shadow of depression, BPD behaviors are so ingrained, one should not assume they ever disappear, or hide. We do our best to hide them. It is part of who we are; part of our being.

The short answer, though, is likely after the 2nd or 3rd "filthy" martini. More olives, more and more and more olives and vodka of course. Until we puke and black/pass out then expect you to clean up the mess, compartmentalize the associated memory/event and forget. Just like we do.

So the PD is always there,  just perhaps turned off as we are being fueled by your willingness to so freely offer narcissistic supply, or ego boost. Our preferred drug of choice.

Who would I be without you? I would be just another damaged and empty shell.

I hope this makes sense.
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