Contact Making You Physically Sick?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all,

Was emailed today by me exBPDw. She kept it short and civil--just asked if I wanted to see my exSS7 over the weekend. I'm not sure why, but any contact at all, no matter how nice it is, makes me physically sick. I get really light headed and nervous for a long while afterwards.

Do any of you experience this? How do you get over the fear of communicating with them? I keep trying to tell myself, she shouldn't matter this much to me. She shouldn't have the ability to make me so worried and sick. She's just another human being that I didn't pair well with.

Anyway, hope you all are having a nice Friday!

[thrownforaloop]

Hey all,

Was emailed today by me exBPDw. She kept it short and civil--just asked if I wanted to see my exSS7 over the weekend. I'm not sure why, but any contact at all, no matter how nice it is, makes me physically sick. I get really light headed and nervous for a long while afterwards.

Do any of you experience this? How do you get over the fear of communicating with them? I keep trying to tell myself, she shouldn't matter this much to me. She shouldn't have the ability to make me so worried and sick. She's just another human being that I didn't pair well with.

Anyway, hope you all are having a nice Friday!

[Larmoyant]

Hi thrownforaloop,

I can relate every contact I have with him turns me into a quivering wreck of anxiety. There have been times when my heart beats out of my chest and I feel physically sick. No more for me I closed it down tonight and this time I mean it. I've adopted these words from this board "Take care of you!". You too. Enjoy your Friday.

[bunny4523]

Me too.

I think mine comes from not knowing who he is going to be today.  The nice guy who trusts me and thinks I am the best at my job or the one who is a terrible employee, making mistakes, lazy and taking advantage of the company. 

I can best identify my sick feeling with anxiety of the unexpected or even worse the expected.

Not fun.

[fromheeltoheal]

How do you get over the fear of communicating with them? I keep trying to tell myself, she shouldn't matter this much to me. She shouldn't have the ability to make me so worried and sick. She's just another human being that I didn't pair well with.

Is it really fear thrown?  You may be afraid of having the physical reactions during and after, those aren't pleasant and fear is understandable and appropriate, but what you might consider is that you had a dysfunctional bond, a trauma bond maybe, and hearing from her is triggering that, and your body knows what's what, so you have that reaction.  And being bonded that way, she's not just another human to you, although that frame can help get the hooks out.

This was a very significant loss for you, and as you detach, center, find your balance and move forward, new realizations will show up and your opinion of her, the version of her in your head, will change and lessen.  And then interactions like that are a good way to see how well and how far you're detaching, where one day you can see her face to face and have absolutely no emotional reaction whatsoever, which could be called perfect detachment.  :)oes that sound like a reasonable goal?  How can you take something from today's proceedings that can help you move in that direction?

[JerryRG]

Definitely a problem for me as well, what I wouldn't give to have a way to get away from my exgf forever. Just got 27 texts telling me what I need to do to do what I've already done. Getting our son in daycare, she loves her drama and chaos and I just simply say I'm busy and later.

I used to jump at the sound of my text ring tone and I told people I was experiencing PTSD, the people who have not been in a relationship with a BPD do not understand at all.
Thank God for this forum!

Why oh why would anyone want to be with these people ? Makes much more sense to just set myself on fire.

[thrownforaloop]

fromheeltoheal, maybe it's not fear, but it sure feels like it. The way I can't predict her actions/personality, like bunny4523 was saying, is also true in my case. I worry that her next response might be a truth bomb or any other statement meant to hurt my feelings. I'm a pretty sensitive guy. In that way, she holds a lot of power over me. I feel like I have no tools on my side, other than NC--but that's no longer an option. Her number and social media are still blocked, but in order to see my exstepson, I let her email.

fromheeltoheal, that does sound like a reasonable goal... .but is that something that only comes with time? Or should I stop actively avoiding her and build tolerance of her by embracing conversations? I prefer not to, as she sometimes says mean things (2 days ago, she told me she never really loved me and settled for me, until she found real love with her current bf). Not something I could get used to... .Not sure how to proceed right now.

Makes much more sense to just set myself on fire.

JerryRG, hahahaha. I hope you don't set yourself on fire. Hang in there, you're free now... .though being connected by children does make things so much harder! And you're right, this forum is wonderful.

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal, that does sound like a reasonable goal... .but is that something that only comes with time? Or should I stop actively avoiding her and build tolerance of her by embracing conversations? I prefer not to, as she sometimes says mean things (2 days ago, she told me she never really loved me and settled for me, until she found real love with her current bf). Not something I could get used to... .Not sure how to proceed right now.

The best focus is whatever's best for you.  Some folks say limited communication is the best way to detach, some say complete no contact is best, and there are other factors like children and some folks work together.  It's whatever's best for you.

Sounds like she's unpredictable and unreliable, plus you're still emotionally bonded to her, so you decide how much of that you can handle and stay centered; it's not much right now.  I got an email from my ex a few months after I left her, and it sent me into the same kind of physical reactions you're getting, but now, years later, it wouldn't affect me at all, since I've spent the time working on myself and populating my life with people who are supportive and reliable, so I have a base and a core.  So point is the priority is your own mental and emotional health, and if that can be helped by sticking your feet in the fire enough that you don't get burned, that's one way, another is focus on you entirely and make detachment a project, and it really will have nothing to do with her at that point, it's all you. 

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks for the response, fromheeltoheal.

Now that we are thinking about it, complete no contact would be what's best for me. During the weeks we go without communication, I've felt a heck of a lot better. The problem is, she used to be okay with me contacting her mother in order to see her son, to telling me I have to go through her personally to see him. But since then, I've felt much worse. I think I need to put my foot down and say, "either I go through your mother or [exSS7] won't be able to see me." 

[fromheeltoheal]

I think I need to put my foot down and say, "either I go through your mother or [exSS7] won't be able to see me." 

Yes, that is making your needs a priority, which is good, and sometimes it's a tough decision, seems you have bonded with her son, and hopefully she puts his needs ahead of her own and accepts you going through her mother.  One way or the other, you gotta do what's best for you, and just think, when you do see him you'll be the best you for your time together.

[thrownforaloop]

That's a good point--making the best of the time I'm with the child. For instance, last weekend when I agreed to pick him up from her and her boyfriend's apartment, it really threw my mind off balance. I put on a happy face when I was spending time with him, but on the inside I was screaming. Haha.

So yeah, got to set my limitations. I'm just not emotionally ready to be seeing or speaking to her. It hurts too much. I tried telling her that a couple days ago, but she told me she felt the opposite. She said she misses talking to me, which makes sense--she always feels the need to be contradictory to me and do whatever hurts me the most.

[fromheeltoheal]

She said she misses talking to me, which makes sense--she always feels the need to be contradictory to me and do whatever hurts me the most.

OK that, and it's also a way to keep the emotional attachment alive, or at least test it to see if it's still there.  Borderlines are all about attachments, and hate to lose them, that's the core of the disorder and it hurts to the core, although she probably can't articulate it like that, so the only one who's going to sever that attachment is you, and if you need to keep your distance so you can do that, then it is what it is.

[thrownforaloop]

That makes sense. She's kept friendships with all of her exes. I can't do it though.

Does yours still try to keep in contact with you?

[fromheeltoheal]

Does yours still try to keep in contact with you?

She did for about 9 months after I left her, sporadically, but I was done, done, done, that and learning about the disorder, I knew what was up, and I just ignored her and she eventually stopped.  I left her, so in her head I abandoned her, the worst thing that can ever happen for a borderline, and at some point it needs to be about us, yes?

[Larmoyant]

Does yours still try to keep in contact with you?

thrownforaloop, my ex tries to keep in contact with me too. It's been 6 months since I ended it, but he's in regular contact and I keep responding. As you've recognised it comes with contradictory statements and it's confusing. I can't make out if my ex wants me or not, but now I've learned about their need for attachments and fear of abandonment I'm beginning to see what this is really all about. It seems much harder for you as you have your step-son. I too hope she puts his needs before her own and you eventually get to see him without her power plays.

[kc sunshine]

HI! I totally know about the physical symptoms when they contact you-- for me, my ex hadn't contacted me for about a week and when I saw a text from her my insides just clenched, and totally tensed up. It was wierd because I also was relieved to see it at the same time. I think it is what FHTH so beautifully explained: my body knew what was up.

[JerryRG]

All this reminds me how much power we gave our exes over our lives, I'm taking my power back little by little, seems small and insignificant but I feel my power returning. I'm in control of my life and I'm taking the keys away from the disordered drunk driver and never getting back in for another ride.

Again, foo issues, controlling mother, abusive father.

No one controls me, I gave up my control to unhealthy disoredered people and it isn't going to happen again.

So the truth is I was in control all along and just didn't realize I was giving my control away.

They can only take what we agree to give.

[thrownforaloop]

I knew what was up, and I just ignored her and she eventually stopped.

That's very wise, fromheeltoheal. I find it difficult to constantly keep in mind that she will always be like this. I'm so quick to trust, so when she begins being nice, I immediately think "oh great, she's recovered and is being civil and rational." Doesn't last the length of a day, so I'm always disappointed. I've got to take your stance.

Larmoyant, if you don't mind me asking, what is your motivation for staying in contact? Especially if it's confusing and contradictory.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

I knew what was up, and I just ignored her and she eventually stopped.

That's very wise, fromheeltoheal. I find it difficult to constantly keep in mind that she will always be like this. I'm so quick to trust, so when she begins being nice, I immediately think "oh great, she's recovered and is being civil and rational." Doesn't last the length of a day, so I'm always disappointed. I've got to take your stance.  

It was pretty easy for me Thrown, my ex is a very unhappy person, too many decades of living with a nasty disorder, but she can turn on the bubbly, cute and sticky-sweet in a heartbeat, a highly refined skill designed to attach, and it works very well.  And the more time you spend with her, the more you see the contrast between that and who she really is, which ends up making the bubbly look fake, which it is, and it all just becomes pathetic.

One thing that helps is to make a list of all the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated in the relationship, and the list will grow as you remember things, and then read that list when you're tempted and she's in idealization mode.  It's a simple but effective focus shift, and it's easy to think about, but actually DO it, and hang it on your refrigerator or somewhere obvious, and it should be handwritten and not typed, more emotional connection to things we write by hand.

It's helpful to think of detachment as a project, a pretty important one since it's your life we're talking about here, and projects that are worth it take time and effort.  So get in the habit of taking the list, reading each item, and fully associating emotionally to how each of the behaviors made you feel.  :)o that a few times through the list and you'll want nothing to do with her, which is the point yes?

What's the first thing on the list?

[Larmoyant]

Larmoyant, what is your motivation for staying in contact? Especially if it's confusing and contradictory. 

Hi thrown,

I think there were a lot of reasons why. A number of things were going on I think, some of them may overlap:

1. Focusing on the "pull" parts of his messages and downplaying the "push".
2. Making assumptions that he was thinking and feeling like me.
3. Trauma bonding and the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment. I was/am addicted and found it difficult letting go of the good times. Also, the overwhelming sense of pain because I love him despite all the abuse. It got the better of me at times.
4.Fear of further loss was another. I’ve lost a lot, career, friendships, finances, and the thought of any more loss was unbearable. I got stuck in a thought pattern of “it can’t all have been for nothing”.
5.Social isolation was another. He’d become my major source of social contact and not having that meant I was alone or so I thought. Also the fear of having to start again and hope that somehow we can work it out so I wouldn’t have to. So much false hope.
6. Feelings of low self-worth originating in my childhood, but triggered by his devaluation of me. His contact meant relief from these feelings. False thinking 'if he still wants me it means I’m ok'.

I think all of this conspired to keep me hanging on. I finally stopped responding to his messages 3 days ago. Only 3 days, but it’s a start.