Dealing with fleas

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So after my relationship with my BPD ex, I have definitely picked up some fleas. They're things I've been working really hard to deal with. I've developed anxiety, mistrust of people, and the like. I feel like her poison has spread to me, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Anyone experience this and know how to deal with it?

[HoneyB33]

So after my relationship with my BPD ex, I have definitely picked up some fleas. They're things I've been working really hard to deal with. I've developed anxiety, mistrust of people, and the like. I feel like her poison has spread to me, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Anyone experience this and know how to deal with it?

[rfriesen]

Yes, absolutely experiencing that still, more than four months out from the final split. My ex was extremely possessive and paranoid jealous - from early on she would quiz me about all my female friends, then start asking who I talked to every day, and by the end was going through my pockets, bags, drawers at work (as we worked together). I made the huge and somewhat cowardly/dishonest mistake of hiding some things from her. I wasn't fooling around with anyone else AT ALL, but I would sometimes lie if asked whether I had talked to any female friends on a given day ... .just to avoid the hassle of explaining myself and going around in circles.

Well, anyway, long story short, my ex would push and push me until she found something that I wasn't totally upfront about and then explode. I feel like all the walking on eggshells and the constant sense of guilt for feeling that I needed to hide things while knowing that she would eventually find some of them out (including my own thoughts!) ... .it's left me incredibly anxious and often on edge talking to people, as if I'm so used to weighing my words and the effect they might produce (notably tantrums, attacks, etc) that I have had trouble relaxing and just being myself.

I don't know if I have any great advice. I've done a lot of meditation, self-reflection, tried to think of the ways I can be a secretive person or the ways that I try to avoid even minor conflict, and I'm working on speaking my mind more openly. I remind myself that I actually am a very loving and kind person and don't mean anyone any harm. I never lash out or intend to say or do offensive things. So I'm working at just speaking from the heart more and not weighing my words so much, letting go of the worry that I might unintentionally hurt someone.

Also, I've realised that the relationship has made me so wary of my own emotions, as if having the wrong emotion might trigger a negative response -- I was walking on eggshells to such an extent that I was afraid of having the wrong emotions. Ha! This relationship really did a number on me. So, anytime I catch my mind trying to deflect or justify or explain away something that I'm feeling ... .I try just to gently pull away from that, observe what my mind is doing, then let it go. I don't have to justify my feelings to anyone, not even myself. I don't control my feelings, I control my actions. So I'm trying to just let the feelings be and focus on what I do.

So overall I would say I'm trying to get rid of the fleas by observing the ways my mind struggles with my emotions - whether explaining or spinning or excusing them, or conversely building them up. My ex turned every bit of tension/disagreement into a monstrous emotional struggle, always loaded with shame and guilt ... .and I think it sucked my mind into viewing every emotion in terms of shame, guilt, justification. Those are my fleas. I think I'll put them aside gradually, as I learn to let my emotions be and not worry that I'll suddenly have to explain them or justify them again. Now that I think about it, I'd say that pretty much sums up what was so toxic about my relationship with my ex by the end -- I felt a constant need to survey my own emotions and think of how I would justify them if she started digging into them. No one should be made to feel so paranoid and guilty of their own emotions in an intimate relationship (well, in any relationship -- but even worse when someone you love is digging in like that).

[hurting300]

I'm finding that I'm paranoid and jealous now. Short tempered. Awful.

[HoneyB33]

So I'm working at just speaking from the heart more and not weighing my words so much, letting go of the worry that I might unintentionally hurt someone.

Also, I've realised that the relationship has made me so wary of my own emotions, as if having the wrong emotion might trigger a negative response -- I was walking on eggshells to such an extent that I was afraid of having the wrong emotions. Ha! This relationship really did a number on me. So, anytime I catch my mind trying to deflect or justify or explain away something that I'm feeling ... .I try just to gently pull away from that, observe what my mind is doing, then let it go. I don't have to justify my feelings to anyone, not even myself. I don't control my feelings, I control my actions. So I'm trying to just let the feelings be and focus on what I do.

So overall I would say I'm trying to get rid of the fleas by observing the ways my mind struggles with my emotions - whether explaining or spinning or excusing them, or conversely building them up. My ex turned every bit of tension/disagreement into a monstrous emotional struggle, always loaded with shame and guilt ... .and I think it sucked my mind into viewing every emotion in terms of shame, guilt, justification. Those are my fleas. I think I'll put them aside gradually, as I learn to let my emotions be and not worry that I'll suddenly have to explain them or justify them again. Now that I think about it, I'd say that pretty much sums up what was so toxic about my relationship with my ex by the end -- I felt a constant need to survey my own emotions and think of how I would justify them if she started digging into them. No one should be made to feel so paranoid and guilty of their own emotions in an intimate relationship (well, in any relationship -- but even worse when someone you love is digging in like that).

Thanks for such an in-depth reply rfriesen. I'm definitely dealing with similar things. You totally hit the nail on the head--I am so afraid of my own emotions, and I totally find myself in them, defending them. A huge one for me was that I was angry a lot towards the end. I finally got to this place where I just could not control it, and I would snap at her. And as you would guess, that would load me down with shame and guilt from her.

I'm finding myself to be mostly anxious with myself. My ex made me feel horrible about myself, and like I deserved the discard. She esp did this during a time that I was focusing on myself, so I have had a sort of PTSD response to focusing on my own self (how very f**king helpful for healing!)

I'm experiencing a lot of dread and feelings of helplessness. Things I never really felt before. And a generalized anxiety, esp when it comes to conversations with people. I find that I am literally triggered by conversations with most people, because I'm so tense about having to defend myself (this has to do with a larger scope of PD ppl I've had in my life).

I've also found that I'm struggling with having hope. It's kind of like she responded with such helplessness, and drained me so much, now I feel a helplessness. I hate it!

I think the hardest one for me is the anxiety. I have never been scared of people or insecure, and now I totally feel so insecure all the damn time. I hate it. I use to be so confident in who I am, and now I feel totally lost from myself, and was buried by horrible accusations for so long.

I think I feel hopelessness in a lot of ways because of the "flip-script". I did everything to help my ex, and to avoid her fears of rejection, and in the end she was telling me how SHE had forgiven ME. Just the entire delusional world, where someone can completely deny reality, and what they have done. It made justice feel so powerless. I'm struggling a lot with it. That I can literally give my absolute best to someone, and left for a year thinking I'm a horrible monster, and becoming a shell of a person.

Thanks again for your reply, it's reminding me that I should never be scared of my emotions. That is a huge flea that I have. I hardly even understand that it is normal and safe to hold any emotion that I am feeling.

[rfriesen]

I can relate to so much of what you're saying. It has been a huge challenge for me to finally get to the point where I can observe my mind trying to defend or justify or explain or "fix" emotions I'm having, feelings that are coming up -- I've actually found myself pacing my apartment talking out loud to myself (but really to my ex) explaining how angry I was at how selfish and childish and inconsiderate she can be, not just to me but to her friends and family too. Ha, I have to laugh at it too! It's really like losing your mind a little. I mean, I've never had an experience like this. I've never had a love/hate relationship, and I tried so hard to convince my ex it's not normal to feel such extreme and opposite emotions for your partner. I've had longterm relationships before - some better than others, of course, but nothing in the same universe as this last relationship, in terms of the tension and pain involved. I don't understand how I stayed so long, trying to at least bring things to a friendly close.

Thanks again for your reply, it's reminding me that I should never be scared of my emotions. That is a huge flea that I have. I hardly even understand that it is normal and safe to hold any emotion that I am feeling.

This is the key, I really believe. Or at least it's been a big help for me to start letting go of the need for control. I don't have to control my emotions. They won't dictate my actions. It's a matter of letting go a little at a time. Every time I catch myself internally trying to justify or fix or deny my emotions, I make an effort to let go. Just let the emotion be, and I'll take care of what I'm actually doing. It's like relearning how to feel emotions. Learning how to do it without judging them. I'll judge myself on my actions, not my feelings. It's liberating to change to that perspective, and I've noticed that I'm actually breathing easier the past few weeks. I've been so incredibly tense the past few months.

But it's a slow process, that's for sure. I hope we both find a more peaceful state, little by little.

[HoneyB33]

Oh yeah, I can totally relate to that, haha. I remember vividly talking to my ex trying to explain things to her. I think the reason we get stuck in these relationships is that we are literally just trying so caught up in trying to mend it. I basically tried in the end to fix things with my ex because I was trying to fix her discard of me. I wanted to be the one to leave, because I deserved to. She was only "leaving" me because she was trying to punish and control me, because I was trying to take care of myself. I was trying to flip things back, and I spent months exhausting myself just trying to do that! It's crazy making.

Yes, judgement is for my actions, and not my emotions. That is a very important reminder in this. Because I have felt so much judgment for my emotions, even after the relationship. Esp from ppl around me, judging me for being so angry. As if I'm "negative". These people really shove you towards trying to control your emotions. And of course, you don't see it at the time. I remember so vividly being SO angry with my ex, and locking myself in a room for hours, trying to calm myself down. This by the way, is when she broke up with me. Because she couldn't take it anymore. And put all this blame on me for doing that! Trying to calm down. And she of course made me feel like I was an abuser and mentally ill. Even tried convincing me I had BPD because I was so angry. I guess in a way, I started trying to control my emotions too, because I felt like they further "validated" her claims against me. It's liberating to realize that isn't true, and to know that I can feel how I feel. There is absolutely no need to control how I feel. Strangely that also frees me up to see my actions in this relationship more clearly. There are a few moments I really blew a gasket, but that's obviously in response to her insane dependence upon me, and guilt, shame, and blaming me. I think I've been stuck the most, because the flea that's kept me feeling judged for my feelings.